Hi. I have never posted before, but I have come here frequently to search for answers – which I often found - thanks to all of you. I am finally posting because I cannot find an answer or advice for the problem I am having now.
Brief history - D-Day was June 2005. Decided together to reconcile. So I thought. WH lied all through MC that summer. He did tell me that the A was over, but that he wasn’t sure he wanted to stay married to me after all. Turned out that he was continuing the affair all along. D-Day #2 was in September (almost a year oago). After that discovery, I was devestated, but still resolved to continue to work at the marriage, and to work on ME. His excuse was that he fell back into old patterns, that he thought he could end it without hurting either of us, that she was his only friend… blah blah blah –
Anyway, I have been using Plan A officially since January. Trying to get WH to agree to No Contact with her. As far as I am concerned, if he will not agree to NC, then the affair continues… Right? WH has never agreed to No Contact. I decided to do Plan A, while gently bringing up NC every so often. The response continues to be the same. I continue to monitor for a real recurrance of the affair. I put a recorder in his car. I gave Plan A until June – 1 year from original D-Day.
The complication with NC is the job. You all will probably cringe to hear this – My WH’s business consists of 4 people… him, 2 other dear friends (who know about the A), and the OW. The 2 “dear friends” insist that they cannot remove her without also removing my husband, since they are both at fault for the affair. The OW flatly refused to quit (her excuses- she has 4 kids, I revealed the affair to her husband and he’s left so now she NEEDS the job, blah, blah, blah...) I personally feel that by not removing her from the business they betrayed me (She’s their “admin assistant” no jokes please about who she “assisted” more…), and even sort of sanctioned the continuance of the affair. I have spoken with them about how I feel, and they believe that there is no reason for my WH and the OW to have contact during the day, and that they have tried to give her tasks that in no way require his involvement. They feel they have done what they can. I have read other books that indicate that in a workplace affair, NC can be accomlished even if both partners remain at the job. But I really don’t think this can apply when there are only 4 people in the office!
So – to get to the point! I need NC. The affair isn’t over unless there is NC. I believe it can be accomlished even if she still refuses to leave the job. The two of them CAN arrange their schedules so they do not overlap, do some work from home, etc. I would prefer my WH seek employment elsewhere if she won’t leave– but this is a business that he has built, and I undestand his feelings about this. I can compromise, and I will agree to NC with very strict guidelines- and full disclosure if contact does occur. Problem is that WH STILL refuses to accept this. He says that his contact is already minimal, and that the is no “relationship” of any type with her anymore. They don’t “chat” about stuff, they only talk about work, I have nothing to worry about, etc. Well, that’s crap. I know because I record him in his car! Does he know I am recording him in his car? Yes. I told him after a New Years Eve call he made to her that made me believe that the affair had resumed. Besides calling her in the first place, he made several suggestive remarks, and seemed to made a plan to meet her the next day. His claim is that 1) she shut him down, and 2)did not meet him the next day. Who knows, but the point is he denyed and appologized, and though I didn’t totally “buy it”, it was possible that I was wrong in assuming they were truly involved again. BUT I still believed it was just under the surface. That’s when I began Plan A. I stopped recording for a little while, and then resumed. I guess he figured I had quit, because he kept calling her! (He doesn’t call her cell – he calls the office, so on the bill, there is no way to tell WHO he spoke to- clever, isn’t it?)
I decided to do Plan A, while bringing up NC issue every so often. The response continues to be the same. I continue to monitor for a real recurrance of the affair, or undeniable proof of its continuance. The only way I have stayed sane is by repeating to myself – “Plan A! Plan A! Plan A!” Reminding myself of the goal of Plan A, and that June is the deadline.
Here’s the thing – I have seen real positive changes in my WH over the months, and therefore extended my Plan A deadline. In April I was sure I would be in Plan B right now. But Plan A seems to be slowly working! I know his phone calls to her on the way to work have gone from every day (8 months ago) down to NONE for the past couple of weeks. What does it mean? What do I do now? Here’s my problem. I don’t know what to do now. I stopped recording, thinking that he maybe discovered me again. I plan to resume this week, and today I recorded our home phone while I am away for the day. No results from that yet. I don’t know how to bring up the subject of NC again without potentially LB-ing, and hurting the progress that has occurred. I know that I still need NC, I just feel like I am at a loss now.
So there’s my long story. I hope that some of you wonderful people here might be able to help me find direction again. You have already helped me so much, and didn’t even know it! Thanks!
