Step 4: You’ve studied Plan A by now. You know about Love Busters (LB), Disrespectful Judgments (DJ), etc. If the confrontation didn’t end the affair and exposure hasn’t either, Plan A gives you the opportunity to work on yourself and the marriage to show the adulterous spouse what a marriage with you could be like.

By the way, betrayed spouse, your marriage may not have been perfect before. That doesn’t in any way justify the affair. You did NOT cause the affair, but you may not have done everything you could have done to prevent it.

So Plan A lets you work on things you don’t like about yourself. Maybe you’ve put on those extra pounds and you know you’re not as attractive to your spouse as you once were. In Plan A, you begin those workouts you’ve been putting off forever. Your temper gets the best of you sometimes? Find some anger management seminars and learn to control it. You have no way to express yourself? Take up painting, plant a garden, work on your tennis/golf game, start writing that great American novel you know is inside you…whatever.

While you’re working on you, you do nothing to make things worse with your spouse. You don’t even talk relationship with your spouse in this time if he or she doesn't want to. This plan is partly designed to show your spouse you can be one heck of a partner in a revitalized marriage. They will see…but don’t expect kudos from them. Actually, they’ll be more inclined to say something like “I don’t trust these sudden changes. They won’t last.” Another one can be paraphrased as “too little, too late.” Don’t worry about their reluctance to recognize the new you. In their fantasy world, they don’t know what’s good for them and no amount of reasoning will bring them to understand it. Don’t try.

Plan A is a process that has a definite time limit. You do not explain that to your wayward spouse, but you have to decide on a time frame to work on you and show your spouse how good it could be. Women typically work Plan A for about 3 months; men do a Plan A for about 6 months.

Step 5: Plan A sometimes works. Dr. Harley says it doesn’t 85% of the time. Therefore, a Plan A is usually, logically, followed by Plan B. The temptation is to skip Plan A and go straight to Plan B. That doesn’t work in the overwhelming number of cases. You have to build a basis for Plan B so the wayward spouse finds out what he or she will be missing.

NEWBIE UPDATE

Well, today I thought I'd add my "Do's and Don'ts of Plan A List". This list I carried around with me from early into my wife's affair and then well into recovery. I referred to it from time to time to keep myself grounded in how I wanted to behave. A big part of Plan A is being the best person, spouse and parent (if applicable) that you can be despite the circumstances around you. My basic premise that enabled me to survive day to day was "Act, Don't React" (i.e. - "ACT" like the person I wanted to be without any love busters and do not allow myself to simply "React" to the harshness of the reality I foung myself in at the moment). Using this basic premise, I was able to weather the roller coaster of infidelity and eventually restore my marriage.

There are many emotional strains on the wayward spouse but their primary problem/issue is the OP (Other Person). If "No Contact" has not yet been established they will behave with a single minded intention to get their "fix" of the OP. If you threaten their ability to obtain such fix depending on the length of time between fixes, the quality of the recent fix and the security of such fix you will be met with resistance in varying degrees. No doubt about it, your efforts WILL be resisted but how they do it is a crap-shoot. They may yell, threaten or otherwise blatantly attempt to manipulate you with fear, anger, intimidation or whatever OR be more caniving and attempt to appease you with lies, more deceipt and covert manipulation. Either way they are not really LISTENING to you...you are their secondary concern. Understanding that is essential.

Conversly, the things you do that do not interfere with their addiction will be strongly encouraged and reinforced or perhaps simply ignored. Again, it's manipulation. They will be nice to you, have sex with you, spend time with you IF you allow them to continue having their affair...unabated. The policy of appeasement does not work. You can't simply be a doormat no matter how comfortable your wayward MAY attempt to make you feel.

So in the end you are left feeling powerless and beat up. Which in all essence you are. It's THEIR addiction you have little influence over. Only the addict can decide for themselves when to releive themselves of their addiction. They will do so IF YOU behave according to the solid, well tested, professionally advised Marrigage Builders principles. You, of course, must practice both the "CARROT AND THE STICK of Plan A (see link in my signature line below) to attempt to bust up the affair. But much of the STICK does not involve your day to day interactions with your "FOGGED OUT" wayward spouse. My do's and don't list is how you manage your spouse while you do the rest of Plan A.

Some days your spouse will be kind to you and other days hostile. As you ATTEMPT to pull closer to them and reestablish intimacy they will no doubt respond by pulling away for fear of you interrupting their affair OR, if the affair is over, for fear of leading you on. If you pull away from them the Waywards may often pull you closer for fear of losing you, for fear of losing their options as they cake eat/ride the fence of indecision. However, if you pull away to hard you may run a huge risk that you will merely reinforce and legitimize their built up rationalizations and justifications. It's simply the roller coaster of infidelity and the more you recognize it for what it is the more POWER you have to control YOURSELF as you both progress through this mess.

The wayward emotional pull back is to be EXPECTED. Waywards almost always do this. They take a step towards you and you respond appreciatively...you acquire Hope and push for more, more, more. You hunger for HOPE and they fear it. WS's don't feel worthy of it and are holding on to so much of the rationalizations and justifications that they can't see straight YET...even if they HAVE recommitted to the relationship and gone to "NO CONTACT". They fear hurting you further, hurting their family further. They fear you are placing much more significance on each step forward than you should cause they legitimately and quite necessarily DON'T FEEL IT...YET. So they slap you down and retreat. They may even defend/insulate themselves from you by calling you NEEDY AND UNATTRACTIVE to get you to back off. Hence, the step backwards.

When you detach from the rollercoaster and allow him/her to proceed at his/her desired speed you can hopefully minimize the steps back. When YOU internalize and beleive yourself to be the obvious choice, acquire patience and the confidence that he/she would be a fool not to recomitt to you, then you become the confident, unpressing, spouse that swept them off their feet so many years ago. He/she can more easily recommit to the person they saw back at the beginnig of your relationship than they can to the devastated spouse they see before them now.

You are behooved to for the most part just let it go for now, OP's soon to be or IS out of the picture...this is just you and your spouse now. Try to date them (alone time without KIDS is KEY...family time is NOT as effective). Movie dates suck cause you can't talk but those are the kind of dates you want now. Consider loud restaurants, clubs and bars. Activity based dates where you are not seated facing each other forced to have that “serious talk”. But if they won't date you go out yourself and either have fun or feign fun. They will eventually get suspicious or feel the need to take a break themselves and hopefully follow along.

In conclusion, you only control you. The more you understand the dynamics of infidelity the more prepared you will be to anticipate it and combat it. Your spouse, as expected is behaving like an idiot right now and "idiocy" will likely be the forecast for some time. YOU must be the leader of your family and the leader of your marriage and despite the crap you are putting up with BE the best person you can be....simply, ACT, DON'T REACT.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

How old are all the parties and do you have any children with your H?

Admin assistants are a dime a dozen.

He won't replace her because he doesn't want to.

Are you self sufficient?

First, you have been in plan A too long if the A is still on.

Have you read the book "Surviving An Affair"?

This is the kind of situation where I find this website and the "plans" do much more HARM than good. Plan A for a year? negotiating NC? Let me tell you....and pardon my harshness....but you are where you are solely BY YOUR OWN CHOOSING.

When you decide to have respect for yourself and child, and stop enabling this affair, then maybe you can start to recover yourself....What you are doing here has NOTHING to do with "Plan A" or "PLan B" or anything resembling healthy behavior.