I met a Pakistani man and we started seeing each other. We had some common interests and similar personalities. We were friends first and the more we saw of each other the closer we became. Soon, we spoke to each other every night and saw each other when ever we could. It became apparent that we were both in love.

The problem is that I'm American, I'm divorced, and I have three children. He has never been married, and he is very tied to his family who has strong religious and cultural beliefs. He has told me that he could never marry me and that he must keep our relationship a secret from his family.

I was very unfamiliar with other cultures before my relationship with him. I had no idea that there were grown men in this world that couldn't openly date or marry women they were in love with without the permission of their parents. Now I feel that it's too late for me. We have been dating for two years now. We have tried to break up several times and the pain has been too much to bear for both of us. We last about a week or two apart and we end up in so much pain that we get back together.

After our last break up he told me that he would be happy just dating me for the rest of his life. However, he would understand if I "met a nice man and decided to marry". He has also asked me to stay away from Indian or Pakistani men.

Knowing what I know now I never would have gotten involved with him. He has also told me the same. Has anyone out there had a similar experience and what was the outcome?

How old are you guys?

PS: I have no experience (nor I'd dare to have) but know a lot about all those 'different cultures'...

I'd guess (not so many info from your post... and it looks to me more of a passion vs. love...) you have only two options:
- enjoy till last and accept no marriage possible ever
- leave it and find someone to be free and married with
Hope no worse options in front of you...

Where do they live?
And why not if you change religious, learn their customs, your children too...

...
Are you sure he's not already married?...

I have some very good friends like this.

One of my very good friends had this exact same thing happen.

He fell in love with a divorced white woman with 2 kids. He is the only boy, and both his sisters have arranged marriages. At first his family was very upset, but in the end, they accepted the woman, taught her traditions and such. You can't really convert to this religion, but you can partake in customs and traditions. They ended up having a daughter together. Several years later, they divorced.

Everyone still embraces the xW as part of the family, because it's just their personal nature.

This isn't good. If he doesn't respect you enough to "out" you... you're short changing yourself. Even if you didn't know his cultural standing on interracial marriages... HE did ..and he chose to get involved with you.

This is quite sad. Don't be a secret...you deserve more. He's disrespecting both you and his family by doing this.

I'm 37 and he is 31...and his parents live in Pakistan. I'm positive he is not already married. And as to the question, "why won't he marry me, if I change religions"? Two reasons: his parents want him to move back to Pakistan and if he stays with me he won't be able to because I won't leave my kids... The second reason is that they want him to marry a Pakistani woman for their own personal reasons...of which I do not know.

Anyone else get the feeling he doesn't want you to run into someone he knows?

I'm betting he is married, or else engaged, to someone here or in Pakistan.

Maybe I'm wrong. Even if I am, he isn't going to marry you. So what was your question again?

Regards,
rs0522

I'd have to agree jaanuu that this relationship has no future. He's unwilling to go against his parents, he's not willing to openly be with you. You're in a no win situation with no respect from him for you.

Sounds like he wants you on his terms only without consideration for what you want for your future.

His parents have excellent reasons for not wanting him to marry a foreign woman. If he is from another culture, they want to maintain that culture. If they practice another religion, they want no conflict about religious rites and practices. If they practice arranged marriages, they choose fiancees whose families they know - it cements the bonds between the families moreso than a "love match."

Also, generally speaking, marriages are successful when the couple has backgrounds, religion, interests, and values in common. His parents know this. They want a lasting match, they want their bloodline to continue. They want SONS.

It is hard enough for liberal westerners to embrace a daughter in law who is divorced and has children by another man. In Pakistani culture, where tradition is more important, chances for acceptance is even slimmer. Virginity is paramount in the match.

If you aren't of their faith, and even of their particular branch of their faith, you are suspect to them.

I'm wondering why you are involved with a man who is so impossible to marry. Are you really afraid of intimacy? Is that why such an exotic choice is so attractive to you?

jaanuu,

Let me get this straight.

He dates you for two years and then tells you he can't ever marry you. Is that correct?

Why didn't this major issue come up before?

I don't like this at all. Not one bit.

I am going to risk getting stoned for this, but I have known several women who have married men from an Islamic culture and each married ended badly. Their way of thinking, their expectations, their paradigms of life are different from comtemporary western thinking. For example, one woman found out that her mother-in-law was now running the house. Her husband expected his wife to obey his mother. Period. No arguments. Of course, he never told her that before they were married. If you aren't aware of those differences you should be. Keep in mind that their belief system puts women in an inferior position (from a Western point of view). Keeping you in the dark just reinforces that.

And yes, I agree he may be married or betrothed.

Be careful. Be very careful.

jaanuu, I read a couple of other threads where you posted some advice and I'm confused.....you really sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, posted some good advice, so why are you involved in a 2 YEAR relationship where you are not acknowledged and told you can never be?

How could you possibly want this for yourself?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Dear jaanu,

I live in the East, and there are many Indians and Pakistanis in my community:

- You are the Pakistani man's bachelor fling in the west.
- You're 37, he is 31. He's learning from an 'experienced' woman.
- He will marry a virgin of his parents' choice.. one with no 'reputation'.
- He doesn't want you to see other Pakistani or Indian men because it is such a small community he needs to protect his own 'reputation' first. Ever wondered why you are a 'secret' from his family and community?

- He tells you he will not marry you.. for cultural and religious reasons. This says he probably knew from the begining that both of you will never marry. Why is he leading you on?
- He tells you he could continue to date you... I can add, even after he is married; because he will marry out of obligation. You will be his 'outside interest', his 'escape'. Meaning; he will make you OW. This happened to my best friend, and Indian girl. She dated an Indian man for several years and later found that he had agreed to marry a woman of his parents' choice, and offered to continue to be with her outside his marriage.

Sorry, girl. I've seen too many cases like this. By continuing with him, that means you are agreeing to have this relationship in secret from his family and friends. Ah, the stolen fruit is always delicious. I'd say, stop wasting your time. Don't waste the pretty with this man.

What you are expecting from a person, who has no problem to say that Pakistan/Indian guys are no good for dating even though he is a Pakistani. I agree with RuffledNOT and others. Whatever he mentioned about culture and why he doesnt want you date Indian/Pakistani guys. He wants to keep it secret, its waste to continue with a guy who doesnt have guts to be with outside but in the bed and telling you all stories. At the same time I am not agree with a statement that all Indian/Pakistani guys are same, a relationship builds on trust and honesty. A relationship or marriage is going to long last only on Love, trust, understanding, honesty, loyal and giving support. Religion, age and culture are nothing to do in a relationship, if his love is true and his family care about his feelings its not that hard to marry him. But I do not think he is trust worthy anymore, everybody whoever gave you reply to this post said right about his nature he just want to be with you for sex. if you leave him he will find someone else and tells her same story.

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