i was wondering why everbody is talking about plan a or b ,and then d
if we were wronged why cant we just go ring the other persons bell slap them around ,and every time they call a ws we ring the bell again.
i dont wqant to cause trouble but i see when i was creating noise at first i got much more contact with my wife who left somewhat 80 days ago and been in affair about 5 months.
im not sayin this is smart but im getting to my breaking point
1 i was cheated on
2 i was lied to by wife
3 i was lied to by other guy
so you see i am starting to feel that if i sit back and let her see some plan a when she aint here or deep down she knows this change is because i want something i dont think she will ever return.
so sort of speak i feel i should go out like jesse james guns blazing ,at least that way they know im taking this seriuos........sitting back is not my style and my wife knows this so i dont see how this can work for me if i dont go and get my family back

Well, JM, it depends on your goal.

If your goal is to save/restore your marriage, then I'm guessing that the plan you propose, however satisfying it might be, is unlikely to work.

More likely, you'll end up in jail.

As an alternative, I suggest you try Dobson's book "Love must be tough". You like "tough".

It has often been said "Living well is the best revenge." Prisoners are rarely described as "living well".

-AD

i fully understand what you mean,but im not sayin doin something nuts.im just sayin doin something thats expected
i intercepted an email back when i first found out and my wife had told the other guy to get ready for drama cause theres no more hiding it from me....
you see what i mean?its almost like she knew shed get caught and expected me to go crazy ,now that i didnt i almost feel as though she lost respect for me?
i know my sitiuation looks like everyones here and that gives me hope,but in another sick sense im getting the feeling if i knock him around and bring her home itll almost be like what shes been waiting for?
well this is what people who know us for a long time tell me and i dont want to gwt my head clouded but this had to have worked for someone no?

jm75,

Although I believe you are mistaken as to the expectations from your WS, I welcome your frankness. I also do not advocate violence but I would like to see a lot more BH's confront the OP in no uncertain terms as you have laid out.

You are correct in stating that once your WS loses respect for you, your M might be dead in the water. So regardless of the Plan, your self respect being intact will have a much better chance to bring her home.

thank you for looking at my point although im not about to advertise getting crazy on the internet of all places ...
this was just to see where people stand on this issue,and i believe its a valid one
i believe in all the plans the harleys put forward and all of you wonderful people who take time to help strangers,i really do,BUT it is something thats been waying in my mind now that ive stopped contact with all.i could see it as pulling the white flag and at this moment i fell i lost her already.
so with that said should i send them a wedding gift?
no thats my wife ,my family i have to fight for her ,or at least then she knew i fought till the end even if she chooses to go
i know i cant force someone to stay but if someone broke into my home i sure as ****** would protect my backyard.
and in my opion a house is replacable a wife aint.....
i know this is childish in some peoples minds but how could you want to kill someone who dents your car but youll waiver and retreat when someone takes your family from you

JM,

My friend, you nailed it. I wonder from a FWW's perspective if the BH's reaction was important in the reconciliation process.

How about it FWWs?

im not tryin to start some charlie manson cult to go out do stupid things,but i feel the plans work well here cause your just doin the stuff you have put off<like the new years resolutions>and never keep,but now that were all desperate we keep em
but we dont really want to get perfect and be able to move on and have others take interest in us.we want what we had
thats not too much to ask for?is it
im not sayin to attack im just sayin exposure and bettering ourselves is great ,but in my opinion and i might get burned on this im gonna take it to another level,im in no way sayin im gonna destroy him,but he destroyed me i will retaliate.
thats all im sayin some people have their affairs die out and come back and for those people god bless!!!!!!!!!!!!
but for me i cant live with myself if i dont make a valiant effort to save my marriage.
and to me that means making it perfectly clear that they wont be together thats it ,nothing more to it,they wont be together
we could get divorced and if it goes there ill have to deal with it ,but the 2 of them wont be togehter for the fact of how they started

JM75,

I don't know if this sort of drama is what your WW expects from you to show her "that you love her".
It's possible, but it sounds a bit childish to me.
She might side with the OM when you do that and make you the big bad bully.

Because violence is against the law and patience is a virtue. Someplace inbetween that is sanity and a plan.

U R praying for the clear mind and calm heart, right? Now be patient 'cuz your time is coming when u w/b back in control of your life and be able to give it good direction. When your mind and heart get in sync. It isn't far away.....just gotta be patient 'cuz it takes time. Even if you know where you gotta be. ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

In the meantime, if you need to share wild ideas, vent here. If they are too wild for the board....there's a few of us you can e-mail cuz we've probably thought of 'em 2! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

When you get back together with your W and start working on the M..
She'll have to do HER part as well..
Marriage is a two way street..
Plan A is just to show her what she's missing right now.
Rather than showing her your worst side right now, even if that's exactly what you'd like to do.
Remember - Plan A has a time limit !


Problem is.. the M like you knew it, is gone.
You cannot get it back.
That is why it's Marriage Building.
It's not "I have a nice house now, I don't want to do anymore work on it."
A marriage grows and changes: your WW has "inserted" a gigantic change: it will not be the same anymore.
It will need healing and talking and recovering.
If you love your WW and your family, it's worth giving it every possible chance for recovery.


Right.. do something stupid..
Go to jail for it, or end up in court for years..
How is that going to help your family?


You don't have to sit around until the A bleeds out.
Plan A... but not too long.
Plan B.. maybe around the corner for you now.
How about exposure?



Again.. don't do anything stupid that might costs you many years to repair in your OWN life and family.
Go work out in a gym and punch that bag..
Get this agression out of your system..
Get working on the plan..
How much of plan A have you done?
Have you exposed to the people that can help stop this A?

And by the way..
Plan "me" won't work because your WW is already doing that!
And look where that got your M.
You need to get her back into plan "us".
Be a man with a plan !

Cym said:

"My friend, you nailed it. I wonder from a FWW's perspective if the BH's reaction was important in the reconciliation process.

How about it FWWs?"

I think it depends how the A is discovered.

I confessed to H... I packed a bag before I did it... I was certain he would kick me out.

Instead, he told me he felt relief because all this time he thought the problems we were having were his fault. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I do think his reaction helped me feel safe in telling him about the A, and brought us closer together.

However, I was already prepared to disclose anything he asked for, because I knew I was going to confess. So I was already open to the possiblity of recovery as much as I was to the possibility of divorce.

Since we're talking about being a "tough guy" here, I will say that my H is an artist and quite a wallflower. He is very easy-going and hardly ever says a harsh word to or about anybody.

After finding out about OM, I saw a side of H I had never seen before. He didn't even know OM or know anything about him, but he seemed to understand what OM was all about just based on the fact that he was an OM. H use to curse OM up and down and talk about what a loser he was, all in his very New York accent and slang. This actually made me feel good and I absolutely beamed with respect when he talked about OM like this. In some ways, it seemed quite chivlarous in my fogged out little mind.

Also, I am not from NYC, but when New Yorkers are down on someone, it is very, very funny. So when H talked about OM like this it also made me laugh.

So my sitch was a little different... I wanted to tell H, and H reacted in a way that was unlike him... but it seemed to work for me. I'd be curious to see what other FWS have to say as well...

KM

I agree that Plan A doesn't include saying nice things about OM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> !!

It's just that a lot of WS's will start defending their OP when you "attack" them.
Even if you are telling the truth!
It's REALLY gut-wrenching to hear the "Oh, but she/he really is a nice person" or "I bet you would get along just fine with him/her in other circumstances" (yikes).
Or "You're just saying that because you don't know him/her."

My point is..
.. better be prepared for ANYTHING
.. WS's say the weirdest things
.. and might react in the weirdest way.

i respect and value all of your opinions.
but i still dont understand why nobody believes in contacting the other person with a little more intensity?
expose to family friends op w/h and hope they influence the ws to clear there head and come home
isnt that something that a bs has to do more hands on?
im not looking to go to jail ,but i also dont see winning her back when i sit in idle..
im plan aing to the best of my knowledge but she aint here to see it!!!!
i know its about me but working out,make believe im happy, dressing up etc. its attracting people it really is but not the one i want it to attract.
plan b? i think im already in it without wanting to be.
people here say dont contact her ,let her contact you ..thats not working out to well
the other guys brother had assured me the affair was over ,that he put a stop to it ,and said hed take the blame
so now i guess i should call him and let him take the blame right?
someone has to end it ,and in no way am i trouble making tough guy but through the years i never let anyone mess with me or my wife and she loved that
now i hear from close fam and friends thats what she might be waiting for ,to see if i give a crap.
by not doing that the next time i see her will be in divorce court ,thats how i feel please if there are any women out there give your point of view.
men too dont anybody think this is a valid point/

jm75,

if your wife is waiting for you to come and drag her from OM's place, preferably exchanging a few blows with OM..
What kind of childish game is that?
That is high school stuff, not adult reasoning.

You seem to be very certain this is the only good approach in your W's case.
Then what stopped you from doing it so far?

no i dont think thats what shes waiting for
people had told me maybe shes looking to see more of a fight from me..not a fist fight just more of a fight.
im just sayin i dont see how a person who left for another would come back,without seeing the other try to get them back...
and with that i do mean go seeing this guy and letting him know its gonna end bad for all this is my wife,how do you think he would react if i slept with his mother?

jm75,

I'll tell ya why. Eventually, you may get to the point where you are in recovery in your wife, and evetually, you will have to square off and face this head on. SHE IS HAVING SEX BY HER OWN CHOOSING. THE OTHER GUY DOESN'T MATTER. IT COULD BE ANY OTHER GUY. When you can swallow down that nasty statement, and accept it, you will realize that your wife did this to you. Not any other man. Confrontation won't change a thing. Her life being impacted will. That is what Plan A and B are about, impacting her life. Plan A shows her you know you made mistakes in your marriage, and can make changes. Plan B takes your presence away from her. Both of those things impact her life much more than you will understand.

Sorry if that was harsh. If it's any consolation, I'm a BH, who is now just shy of 3 years of recovery. You can do it, and honestly, I haven't talked to the OM since my wife moved out. I never confronted him, the closest that ever happened was when I returned a phone call that was from a number I didn't recognize...I recognized his voice on the other side of the phone. I said my name, his address and hung up...my wife had already moved home at that point. I was emphasizing the point to him, I was done. But, my wife was home at that point, and so I had that range of motion.

-hang in there (It sounds like you are about ready for plan b.)

no i thank you for keeping me on course.
i was just wondering if something like that wouldve worked.
thankfully my wife is living with her parents so its not that bad yet..that was why i figured to take a shot and forbid him to make contact and then i wouldve got my chance for mc.
but isee what you mean its really not about him is it?
i take her out of there she is liable to create another one right?
i just dont think plan b is good yet i rarley get to speak to her as it is so i dont know what she will remember me by ..the good times we had or the lunitic on the phone when she moved out and i discovered the affair?
what do you think should i start to make more contact ,people say thats needy looking,but she contacts me so what do you think

jm75,

What you said on the phone during that fateful nite, or honestly, what you say for the most part now, is greatly irrelevant. You hit it right on, this is about her, and it will just be another guy...unless she fixes herself. It might be 3 or 6 years down the road, but, if she doesn't grow up, and realize what she is doing, it will happen again.

Living at her parents = probably just about the same as living with the OM. Unfortunately, most parents turn thier eyes away from thier own child who is having an affair...meaning they know it's happening and choose to ignore it. The truth is usually too hard to face. Especially when you think about 1/2 of the marriages have infidelity in them, it may be too painful for them to face...

I don't know enough of your situation for advice on contact. It doesn't sound like you have kids? How long have you been married? Statement about you sleeping with his mother won't get you much of a lifespan as a MB poster. That garbage usually screams troll. I think you should really think about your situation and what you are saving. Or trying to.

-hang in there

it was a distasteful comparision about the mother....no pun intented.
my story in short living together for 6 and a half years married for 2 and some change.
never ever had problems ,minor ones naturaly but always happy
bought a bar and stopped meeting all needs began to fight etc.
she was working ,going to school to get teachers degree,and then came to bar to help.
i didnt tell her how proud i was and she resented that.
sold the bar and woke up to this nightmare..
some calls are terrible and some are almost like nothing ever happened so i dont know if i shuold try to contact again..
family of hers say she looks miserable and might miss me .
thats why im coming up with these type of plans ..
i need it to end ,i need my wife home
i dont want to start a relationship with anyone else this was supposed to be it for me ,and puff out of nowhere everything is gone
parents are moving out of town
wife left
lost busness
too much all at once