Well to start off, I would like to say its nice to have a resource to read, and realize your not alone in these situations. I thank all of you for this.

I have been married to my wife for 3 years, and been living together for almost 8. We have a 4 year old boy.

Recently after the birth of our boy, like many many others, the stress took a toll on our relationship. Things were hard, and I certainly withdrew into myself during the first 2 years, and neglected my wifes emotional needs.

She got a job at a new branch in her career, and it was a pretty big promotion for her. Of course, to keep up, she started to do alot of "overtime". I started suspecting pretty early on that somthing might be up, as most people do when the other has an affair. I caught her at a bar near her work with "him" one night, when she was supposed to be working. Afer a couple hours of drinking, they disapeared into the office for 30min. hmmmm. I had a friend follow them. She denied it happened until I gave her complete details of the night. She then came clean, but denied anything happened sexually, and that it was just drinks.

As time went on, things were getting worse and worse, overtime until 1am, at least 4 nights a week. She would send me out for some errends, and the second she thought I left, she would be on the phone with him. ect.. I was absolutely positive somthing was going on, but she would deny deny deny. Finally I placed a friends GPS in my car to monitor, and I caught her in a lie when she said she was at work. This was enoughf, even without proof, it had to be happening, and I had to bluff it out of her. I confronted her saying I have indisputable proof, by placing a voice recorder in her purse, that her, and him where having sex in the office, during these "overtime" sessions. She denied and denied again. Until I said I would call up his wife, and show her the proof I had, and let her decide. But if she comes clean, then I would keep it between us. She came clean, and said it only started in the last month or so. This is complete [censored], as I have suspected for almost 6 months before, and have been activly accusing her of it, but without proof.

She promised it would end, and nothing more would come out of it. I told her no more overtime, and we hatched out a list of things we need to work on. He said the same thing to me also, as I sent him a rather colourful email, saying the only reason his wife doesnt know, is I promissed my wife I wouldnt tell. And im a man of my word. This man is her boss, and her career is actually pretty good, considering she only has a high school education. The problem is, she does not want to leave her work, expecially knowing our relationship has been teetering on the brink for about 6 months now. She is afraid of quitting, and then me leaving her regardless. She has said she will look for new work, but those are just empty words. She hasnt even updated her resume.

The thing is, I can tell she is working VERY hard to reconnect with me, and we have actually been doing very well after some very hard months. I even felt confident enoughf to let her do a little overtime again, when she fell behind.

My problem is, when I gave her a little room to work overtime, it quickly turned into a regular occurance again. Probably 1-2 nights a week. She has also recenlty got a cell phone, and refuses to allow me to see it, or even the bills. Abolutely refuses, we fought about it so much, she's practacly willing to leave me before letting me see it. She says since the affair, she's had no privacy, and that I always assume the worst when I dont have complete control of it, like her phone. So she says its a matter of priciple. Plus, in councelling, I said I would try to trust her again more, and not be so overwhelming. And finally, some wierd occurances happened, where she would go out for coffee by herself, for over 2 hours. Just sitting by herself apparently. This is just not somthing she does, she cant sit still. And of course, her phone was off.

All this is leading me to think she is back in the office, with the otherman at night. As a matter of fact, I know he is there sometimes, as last night when she got home, she wanted to let me know that he was there. I got a little upset, but she says theres nothing to worry about, and that I can trust her. There is no way I can bluff her out again, and getting raw proof will be extremely hard considering the location of this affair is where she says she is going anyways.

I do love her, she is a very easy person to live with, and we have a child. She defenlty wants our marriage to remain, as she has been fighting for it just as hard as me. But she is also a very adept lier, and I worry that she will succumb to the afair again, if she hasnt already, if things continue.

Any advice is welcome, and thank you for reading.

Obviously...the affair never really ended.

Expose to the OM's Wife. Do not negotiate or warn your wife just do it. If you forewarn them you forearm them.

Hopefully his wife will make him get a new job since your WW appears unwilling and perhaps unable to get an lateral job position.

Just maybe exposing him at work having sex with a subordinate will get him fired.

They must have NO CONTACT for the affair to end.

You've made mistakes...no recovery can ever occur without NO CONTACT but you are here now and have the opportunity to do this right.

If you need some current evidence to confirm the affair has resumed read the Spying 101 thread. You can get to it by linking off of Longhorn's signature. If you have not read the thread started by him on the Just Found Out board ...go there now. The thread is entitled "For Newly Betrayed Spouses" and it is pinned to the top of the Infidelity - Just Found Out board. Likely the voice activated digital recorder hidden in her car will get you the evidence you need. Until you get the proof you may need to keep quiet a few days.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

I agree totally with MrWondering. No contact is absolutely essential. I would also insist that the both of you get tested for STD's. Absolutely contact the OM's wife. Clearly the affair has not stopped and she is playing you. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

Don't be surprised at the continuous denying.
It's the only way a WS (wayward spouse) can mentally and emotionally keep an A going.
And even if they want to stop the A - it's most often just "easier to lie" than to confront the pain and hurt they have caused their loved ones.

Being a WS means you're NOT in a good place in your life.
WS's are lying and deceiving and doing things they would hate their loved ones do to THEM..
They're basically the "bad guy"..
That's very hard to realise, so most WS's prefer the easy way out by lying to everyone.. even including themselves.

This will have a serious rebound when your WW comes out of this "fog", as it's called here on MB.
She'll feel terrible about what she has done.. THEN.
Right now she's too busy getting her "fix" - 'cos this A-thing is like a drug, blocking any rational thinking.

Hang in there CM.
Don't get caught up in your WW's lies and twisting of history/reality.
She's like a drug addict right now.

Ok, it seems that your wife has a little problem with secrecy vs. privacy...Here is a great post by 2long on that...


Further, trust is something that is EARNED...She has most definitely given you reasons not to trust her...NEVER trust the untrustworthy, and your wife has clearly demonstrated herself to be untrustworthy...

Mr. W is right, recovery can not begin until there is NO CONTACT...Without no contact, she will not withdraw from the OM...She or OM MUST leave their respective positions...YES, the OMW MUST KNOW...I suggest you go to her with the proof you already have-an affair DID occur-it matters not whether it is going on now or not (I believe VERY STRONGLY that it is)...You would want to know, right? OMW has a right to know! Promising your wife that you wouldn't expose was a bad promise and the only thing worse than making a bad promise is keeping a bad promise...Call OMW and expose TODAY...Yes your wife will be angry...Anger your marriage can survive, an ongoing affair it can NOT and will NOT survive!

Mrs. W

Thank you everyone that replied. Sometimes I think I'm just allowing these little things happen because its just easier. But in the end, I agree, I dont think any true reconciliation can occur with the OM in the picture. Its a hard reality, being we depend on her current income to live the way we do. We couldnt pay the mortgage without her job. Some toughf decisions will need to be made.

Regarding the secret vs privacy response. Thank you. I have been looking for a way to say it clearly to her, and I think that will be a quote I pull out.

Regarding telling the OMW. How will this actually benefit my relationship, if she can actually have no contact with this man. True, this mans wife should know. But at this point, I couldnt give a ****** if his marriage is secretly ****** up, if I can salvage mine regardless?

CM,

Please, read more of the site. You are gonna have to do some work here. If you want to save your marriage, you have to do the work, she isn't going to. I can tell you haven't read near enough, especially given the way you are 'giving' her the benefit of the doubt in all of this.

As for the job. Kiss that income goodbye. She will have to QUIT. It won't even be an option. Of course, I guess you could try to get him fired for sexual harrassment, but, good luck getting your wife to file that! ROFL. I guess, if she insisted on working there, you could insist on her filing charges, and that would settle it. Let her decide which is more important, or true. Guess what, she will be quitting or divorcing you before she files charges against him.

-hang in there

There are two reasons to tell OMW.

1 It only aids your own marital recovery likelyhood.

Then she can be vigilent as well. Two pairs of eyes are better than one.

Then he has something to lose..reality injections for OM are good for your marriage..remember fog = fantasy..the more you are able to remove the fantasy element the quicker the A dies.

Not to mention that he is very likely USING your wife..but do you honestly believe he is telling her this?

Let him do his OWN LBing and let her see how irrelevent she is to him where the rubber meets the road.

2 She is a co-victim.

Please do not allow your hatred for OM include his own BS..she is not responsible and has been harmed just as much as you.

It is incredibly excruciatingly selfish and just WRONG to use this womans life, health, and well being as your Judas Goat/bargaining chip.

She has as much right to know what is going on her life as you have..denying her this info is cruel and does not reflect well on you.

To the contrary..your behavior mirrors the selfish entitlement of a WS so precisely..dismisses this womans life so completely that frankly I am disgusted by your lack of empathy..you should know better..if you do not know better I honestly don't know what to say to you.

3. Stresses injected into the affair after unmitigated exposure usually cause it to implode. Or explode. Either way, it is a good thing. Search for exposure threads. You will discover exposure almost always kills the affair while not once, that I have read, ending the marriage.

4. It's the only ethical thing to do.

Canadian,

Agree with all the advice you are being given with one addition.

No colourful email, get into this man's face and calmly but forcefully tell him quit or face all the consequences. Let him figure out what those are. Say nothing else and wait for his response. If none is received , repeat your promises in that same clear, calm voice with a hint of smile on your face.

Then leave before he has to clean his shorts

As Melodylane, one of our regular posters here, is fond of saying, the only thing worse with making a bad promise is to actually keep it. Promising that you would not expose to OMW was a very bad promise on your part. Although I see your intent, it is totally anathema to your main goal of saving your M. If you really want to give your M, a chance, you will have to break this nonsensical promise and expose.

Keep the following three things in mind.

1. It is not honorable to keep a bad/foolish/harmful promise.

2. It is not honorable to help OM sleeps with your wife. And this is exactly what you are doing by protecting their secret.

3. It is not honorable to care only for yourself, only for your own self-interest. To care only for one’s self is not only not honorable it is also unethical. On the one hand, you want assistance to help save your M, on the other you don’t give a d*mn about OMW. In other words, ask yourself why should we care about your case? Maybe for the same reason(s) you should care about OMW’s case. As co-victim of this A, she deserves to know the truth.

It is clear that you need to do some more reading on this site. Do so, there is much to learn. You’ve come to the right place. Welcome.

Ok, im obviously much less informed on these matters then you guys, and believe me, I know its a much more 'ethical' thing to do by telling the OMW. However, I have confronted him about this twice. The last time I did this, he informed me he has nothing to do with my wife unless its strictly buisness related. He wants no more part of our life, and doesnt want to be contacted again.

As far as my wife is concerned, it was not a prolonged afair. It was a moment of weakness, and no feelings were created between them. And from the sounds of it, her job may be in jepordy if the accusations continue. Especially since the OMW is a part of the same company.

Because I mostly feel like she is actually telling me the truth. I dont want to 'jepordise' the progress we have made. And we have made progress. I wonder if my mind is actually reading too much into these little wierd occurances. She always has a legitimate excuse for the little situations. Is it not possible that this situation could truthfully be resolved? Could she and him, both be telling the truth. It was a moment of weakness, and they both sincerely regret what happened?

I also realize I could be rationalizing, and possibly sheltering myself from reality. I never truley put my gaurd down, and consider all aspects.

I figure, give her a chance to find a new job. When she has moved on, I can decide at that point if I should tell the OMW, without jepordising our financial life. I also have a child to think about, so its not just about me. Call it self centered, but I can live with myself. Im not perfect, and I wont always jump into an idolized conception of right, and wrong. Sometimes you need a little grey to make things work.

However, if she does not truthfully attempt to find work, I will have little recourse, but to inform her, as I cannot continue to be on gaurd forever.

A "moment of weakness" doesn't last 6 months. The A has not stopped because they still get their "fix" every work day.

Tell the man's wife, CM. Even if the A is technically over, that lady has a right to know that her H is cheating on her. She should be given the options of marriage counseling, STD testing, kicking him to the curb....whatever. She DESERVES the same options that YOU have, donch'a think?

If you want to live an excrutiating life, always wondering what's going on at the office...has the A started up again...who's she having lunch with...etc, then go ahead and encourage her to stay at that work place with the OM.

I'm really sorry that you're in this position, CM. It's devastating, I know. Please keep reading and posting here on MB.

Lori

"I also realize I could be rationalizing, and possibly sheltering myself from reality. I never truley put my gaurd down, and consider all aspects."

Do you want to have to keep looking over your shoulder for the rest of your marriage?

Well, there is good news in that, though: Don't follow this excellent MB advice and it will be a relatively short rest of your marriage.


You know, CM, she will carry a torch for this guy for as long as they remain in contact. You are signing up to play the lead butt in a long term EA. (And they almost never stay just EA, you know.)

OK, don't listen to the people who have taken the time to post to you. That's acceptable. At least go read Dr Harleys main site, please.

With prayers,

it always strikes me as odd...



when a brand new male poster says this " and neglected my wifes emotional needs. " ... in his very first post ...

it's as if this man was speaking for his wife explaining away her immoral choices ... from the very first posting ...

just a curious observation

Pep

Welcome to MB C_M

Have you been studying emotional needs for awhile now?

Pep

Which is more important 2 you? The BMW or a faithful marriage?

This isn't rocket surgery. It isn't "hard" either. It's simple. Ever hear the joke about the difference between 'simple' and 'easy?' The question about what 2 do in this sitch is simple, but won't be easy.


Do like others have suggested here and read the articles on the main page, then all over these forums. You can't "educate" her. It might be nice 2 be able 2 have a conversation with your W about the difference between secrecy and privacy, but it will go in one ear and out the other, so long as the A continues. And it will continue so long as they're in contact, and they'll be in contact so long as they work at the same place. That needs 2 end now.

-ol' 2long

I am confused about your timeline



your son is 4 years old ... what exactly does the "recently after the birth of our boy" mean?

Pep

CM:

My ears caught fire when Pep posted that. Do this: Stop making excuses for your W's current behavior by blaming your past behavior for her poor choices.

They're unrelated.

-ol' 2long

Thank you all for your honest, and clear advice. I realize now I can no longer sit on the fence, hoping everything is as she says. Its time for an ultimatem.

Tonight I am going to lay it out. I will need access to her phone, and all the call logs she has in the last 2 months. She NEEDS to get a new job. I will layout a concrete timeline on which this will be possible. All the extra overtime she does will stop immediately. No exceptions. If they think she cannot complete her job without doing this, well then she may get fired, and thats something we will have to deal with. Because the OMW is also part of the company, I will not inform her while my wife is looking for anouther job. However when she does find one, I will inform her to solidify no possible chance the affair will continue even when she no longer works for the same company as him. Also, as you all have said, it is probably the right thing to do. However, I will be truthful in the main reason I will do this is for my own benefit.

If I am correct this is close to what you all describe as plan B? I will read up on this so I can deliver this ultimatem clearly, and without lovebusting.