I am just wondering if I am clinging to something that isn't there. I have been in Plan A for awhile and I think I am doing a good job of changing myself, but it is hard to tell. We had a good weekend with one exception. When I took my son to the pool, I found a notebook in the "pool bag" that included my w's notes on her "fling". I, of course, read it and my son told my wife that I was reading the notebook. My wife was not happy about this...another case of me invading her privacy. However, she also said that she felt those things about the om when she wrote them (things like the hardest thing she ever did was put him back on a plane..."he is her life") but it didn't mean that she felt that way now (probably a lie). We had a conversation where she cried, accused me of being a horrible husband for the last 12 years ect, ect. But then she cried and said that I deserved better than her and asked how I could still love her after the horrible things she did. She also said that she couldn't give me 100% of her love like I wanted. During this I did NO LOVEBUSTERS (I hope anyway). We finally found a baby sitter and had our first night out alone in months. Instead of a movie, we went to eat at the beach and had a great time. She even held my hand and let me hug her. But during dinner she made the comment that she didn't think our marriage could ever work(?) The next day, we took our son Rollerblading with us and had a great time. She talked about all the things that she wanted us to do here (we just moved here). She also wants to have a short trip for just the two of us (just to have fun). But as usual at night, it is back to sleeping on the couch. She still won't say that she loves me. I also saw in her notebook a list of what she would take with her when she moves out (I don't know when she wrote it). She still does not have a job yet, so I am still scared that when she gets one she will bolt. I wish I had not read the notebook, but it's too late now. I don't know what to make of these mixed messages I am getting. I tend to want to believe the best, but I don't want to have false hope. What is all of this? Help!

I almost forgot to mention this. At one point she told me she wished that I knew the om because I would like him (I'm going to throw up now)!

drtz,<BR>The one thing I have learned through my H's affiar is not to put everything into what he says. It could be that she is just very mixed up and full of guilt. Just keep loving her and supporting her. In time, things will work.

dzrt you have always responded to my posts with something useful to say, yet I find myself responding to yours with what is probably useless dribble. To cling or let go? If you love something set it free, if it returns then it's yours forever. (or something like that) but then again, Sometimes the best things in life are worth fighting for. To points that make a very valid stance. Search your love dzrt, is it what it used to be or could it be what it used to be? If so fight for your love with a renewed fury. Change those things which do not fulfill both your needs. Even if she still leaves you will gain strength and wisdom from this. If your love is not the same then I suggest letting it go. Bow down on humble knees and pray "I have done all I can do, Your will be done" (which should be our prayer from day 1) God may have something better waiting in the wings. Ouch. Either way dzrt you can become a better man in the eyes of God and your fellow man. Prayers

This is about the only time I don't agree with Paul.<P>If you love something, HANG ON!!!!!<P>Your wife is coming around to your plan A.<P>You must not listen to what she says, and you must make smaller measuring marks in that old measuring gauge.<P>Your plan A IS working, so don't stop, or get discouraged, or listen to what she says.<P>Okay?<P>God bless.<BR>M4B

dzrt<P>Listen to Mrs. Mush, she knows of what she speaks.<P>The conversations you've had with your wife are the exact same phrases I heard(are they using the same book?). One of the first things she said was that I would br good freinds with the OM. The advantage you have is distance. My wife spends time with the OM 3 times a day.<P>Keep up the plan A and be patient, be her friend , help her get a job, do the things together that you want to do, don't be afraid, the changes in her won't come as quickly as you want but they will come.<P>The notebook is yesterday's news look for answers in her actions not her words.

I do so agree with awoken and Mrs Mush, you have something and it sounds as though she wants something more, she talks about times alone with you, maybe she's looking for a way to get back into your bed or a way for you to invite her. It sounds as though she doesn't feel like you really want her there and maybe that's her hang up. So she suggest things like a weekend alone for fun, time for the two of you to open up. I would come right out and ask her when and how and why, honesty has always been my best policy and I would want to know the truth. You really shouldn't have read her journal, you don't know when it was from. And it is a major privacy breach. I can't say I am much better though, I ran across old loveletters on my H computer to the OW and it hurt all over. But I really think that was part of my healing process and I can definately say we are in the healing process without questioning it too much! Good Luck and God Bless! <P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

Thanks Awoken, Mrs. Mush, chick and others. I also feel like I am maybe getting through a little. It is hard, however, to keep up that feeling when you know she is talking to the om when I am gone. It looks like we may go away this weekend just to "have fun". This could be a good chance for me to show her how I've changed and how much I love her. I will not give up on her! That much I know!<P>dzrt