I've been in Plan B since June 13th and it's been very difficult to keep my mind off of WH. Even though he's disgusting me with staying in the A, I am still very much in love with him.

I came across a love note from WH to OW today which made my skin crawl! He recalled how last summer he had a "special moment" with OW at a company party which I didn't go to. He said he wasn't going to treat OW "less than a princess." Is this what the A emotions evoke? He also called her "lover." YUCK! I'm sickened because this is the first time I have found communications from WH to OW. It seems like WH was in EA for quite awhile before the physical A began. I was so ignorant to think he was in love with me. During the possible EA, he continued to give me lovey dovey cards. I feel like an idiot.

So much for trying to move on w/o WH in my life. Though he is gone physically, he is still in my heart. My heart is shattered to pieces.

Is this normal for WH to express such strong emotions for the OW? I was hoping it was more superficial but at this point, it doesn't seem like it.

This is going to be an uphill battle. It's not getting easier.

Yes R2W it is grossly, sickly, sadly normal...Here's why...What you read was your WH's manipulation to get his fix from OW...He strokes her ego to receive ego strokes in return...REALLY...It is just that juvenile and simple...I've been there firsthand so I can solemnly swear to you as one who has been in the thick of the fog, come out and lived to tell about it, that my assessment is dead on here...

Hugs to you...I'm sorry you had to read that drivel...but that's what it is...DRIVEL...

Mrs. W

I get a mild physical reaction when someone tries to apply "normal" to adultery ... just YUK

So, with that in mind, I will say

It is average for adulterous infidels to blather back and forth with very intimate love notes/calls/photos/etc

it is average for an affair .... an affair is never normal ! puhleeze <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hope this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> answered your Q

Pep

Right Pep...Not normal...Just the average run of the mill YUCK...Agree!!!

Mrs. W

Thanks, Mrs. W and Pep,

It's nice to hear from you both. I like my MB pals!

Here's an ignorant question: What does it take for the WS to come out of this dense fog? It seems like some WS emerge so much faster than others. Others never emerge.

Where's the switch to the fog machine? I'd like to pull the plug, please. If only life were that easy, huh?

I've exposed where I can. Plan B has been relatively good for my own recovery until my wounds get agitated. Ouch!

Well, I guess it depends on your definition of normal. But yeah, its pretty standard WS behavior.

Don't let it get you down, its not real.

Adding, yes affairs aren't normal, that is what I meant when I said depends on definition. (Just don't want to get slammed by someone thinking I might think affairs are normal)

An answer to your ignorant question..

What does it take to break the fog?

What does it take for ANY person to snap out of a fantasy/denial state?

Pain Loss Reality.

Those who for whatever reason are able to inject those elements are also the ones whose WS seem to get their head above the water faster.

A WS who is ABLE to sustain the fantsy will do so.

Why do you say it's ignorant?

Stop that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

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OK ~~~> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> face now

Dense fog means the WS is living in an UNreal world

a world where some of his needs are met in absence of his needing to be ethical

a world where some of his needs are met despite his lack of a clear sense of self

Why would someone want to leave that world? A world where lazy solutions seem to be working for him....

Here's when he will de-fog ~~~> when he wants to get his needs met in the real world

And sometimes that happends when WH is God-smacked with some serious pain/consequences/shame/embarrasment

This might take a very very long time ~if~ the WH was addicted or otherwise immature

If the pre-affair marriage was pretty dysfunctional to begin with, he might not return at all

If your WH has had other previous affairs that you do not know about .... it is then a life-style choice, and not a run-of-the-mill affair.

so ... what else can de-fog the foggy?

sometimes a serious life-threatening situation which frightens the bejeebers outta him

Pep

Ready2wait,

Almost 2 years ago I caused quite a stir on these boards when I revealed that after finding a picture of my WW and her new OM ,I framed it and put it on my desk and at my home. Posters had a hard time understanding if I did it so other people could see my WW in all of her A glory or if I was just nuts.

Like you(and most BS's here), the temptation is to have your mind wander and dwell on the good things you shared with the WS especially during Plan B. After daydreaming about what was, a simple look at my picture frame reminded me that IT was reality and not my own BS fog.

I used it to help me. Perhaps your note can do the same.

I always liked your framed pic Cymanca.

I think it did it's job very well.

Hi MB friends (and I do consider y'all my friends),

Thank you for your responses. I guess I never thought my H would have the potential to be a WH. I am having a hard time accepting this fact. This fantasy world is taking over his life. Reality has been put on hold for him and I can only hope that it is a matter of time for him to "wake up" and deal with the disaster he's created.

The hardest thing about being a BS is to watch the destruction of your M happen right before your eyes. It's like a car accident in slow motion. Since d-day, my M spun out of control but the details replay themselves in sloooow motion. It's painful because I don't know what the results will be. So far, I am only noticing the carnage around me. Where are the rescue crews to clear out this devastation?

Pep,
Thanks for turning my frown upside down.

I agree. WH needs to be God-smacked. That's quite an image. He stopped going to our church to avoid this. He's found another church but he can't hide his sin from God. WH needs a huge reality check. When it does occur, it's going to be an earth shattering wake-up call.

Noodle,
Pain, loss, reality. So true! May I order up a double serving of everything and hand it to my WH? hahaha

Cymanca,
Wow, that's gutsy. A photo like that will definitely remind you of the reality of the sitch. There have been times where I gathered every little bit of courage I had to look at the evidence I found. I'll be adding that note to my collection. Ick. Yes, that will definitely awaken me from the daydreaming of the past, of the pre-A H I once married.

ready, keep your chin up. you deserve much more.

pep, something you said made sense to me in my predicament. I believe for some WS, their's is a lifestyle. Maybe reocurring. Especially true when there is absence of good moral character beforehand, or at least an apathy about it.

This can go a long ways toward understanding where your WH may be, ready. Some will take years to understand their mistakes. Some will revisit continually for lack of discipline.

How long will you wait? Not to discourage you, just a question I've been asked before.

There's something honorable about waiting I believe.

There's also no loss of honor in moving forward and away.

Sometimes there are no answers, only a knowledge you held up your end of the commitment when it mattered, which you have already done in spades.

Hi Corinth,

I'm glad to see you responded. How have you been recently?

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about WH's past and his lifestyle. Though he seemed to have "come clean" early in our courtship, I am starting to think that maybe this sitch is WH's lifestyle. In the beginning, he was everything I wanted in a H. I met him at the peak of his spiritual life. He was beaming with Christ's love. Our pastor even said this at our wedding ceremony. My H seemed to be the perfect Christian man. Albeit, I knew he had a tough relationship prior to meeting me but I was certain that we had a bright future together. Perhaps, the past 5.5 years was a divergence from his former lifestyle. Perhaps, WH had a tainted lifestyle before he met me. Perhaps, WH is retreating back to the "real" man he was. Who knows? All I know is that this is the lifestyle he seems to be choosing and it may be a permanent decision.

How long will I wait? My WH isn't giving me much time. Upon d-day, I was willig to wait as long as it took. Now that sounds unreasonable but I committed myself to this M. I made it clear to WH that I was willing to wait. He wasn't listening nor willing to listen. He's already filed for D. He's flying into the D without any doubts. Our friends can't believe how fast WH is moving towards D. In our state, it takes 6 months to finalize.

No matter how much I am trying to prepare my heart, I'm just not there yet.

hello ready,

I hope my responses are of some help. I'm just learning as I go. As for me, I'm looking forward to something I still can't see yet: a true marriage with a true woman. I don't know sometimes if that even exists anymore because all I know about marriage is how it can be destroyed and how it feels when you can see it crumbling around you. But, God willing, I will have a wonderful one someday.

God's promise is what I have faith in now, not with anything my wife says, thinks or does. To me, my wife doesn't deserve anything right now, and that includes a devoted husband. She has made her decision and now she gets to experience it. This doesn't mean I love her any less, in fact, I have more compassion for her now than ever before. But she is also wayward, and if it takes her cheating on her husband, divorcing him, living in a sinful relationship with her affairee and continually denying God then that's what it will take for her. There is nothing in scripture or otherwise which says I need to stay around for the destruction that lies ahead. Believe me, this hurts to watch her do this. I've been known to start weeping out of the blue at the thought of this.

ready, has WH talked to you at all in the past few months? You are on a solid Plan B, huh?

It's clear you are still very much in love with this man, I am sorry he's made such a ruthless decision, you don't deserve it. But if this divorce goes through, I would just say to you this is not the end. You are much too bright and faithful for that.

Well, I'm going for a walk.

God Bless,
Corinth

Hi Corinth,

How was your walk? It's nice to get some fresh air and praise God for nature's beauty.

Yes, your responses along with everyone else's have always been helpful. All of us are learning. Everyone has something to offer here on this site.

I think it's going to take my WH to hit rockbottom when he is forced to eat with the pigs to see the light. Based on what I know of him pre-A, he's going to self-destruct. It's just a matter of time. I, too, have gained more compassion towards him.

We haven't talked since June 13th. I gave him the Plan B letter on the last day we met with our MC. Honestly, I think my WH was thrilled with Plan B. This meant he could devote his all of his time to OW. Based on eav1967 post on romantic affairs yesterday, my WH seems to fall into this category. The romance of the A is sending him running towards D.

You are a good man, Corinth. I know that you will have a truly wonderful M one day. I hope that all the BS' on this site do.

Blessings to you.