Hi,

Over the past year, I've been having some of my most important emotional needs filled by my wife's younger sister. I recently realized that I was actually destroying my marriage, since these "love deposits" were actually leading me to switch my romantic love from one sister to the other.

My wife and I have come up with a plan to make sure that she remains the most important person in my life. It centers around making sure that we're working hard to acknowledge and fulfill each other's most important needs. Because her sister is completely blameless (she doesn't know my feelings, despite how obvious I am at times), my wife decided that "no contact" would be unfair and unworkable, since her sister lives with her parents and probably will continue to do so for another five years. Plus, they are really great friends and spend time with each other 3-4 days a week.

So my question:

First of all, I am a very inconsistent person... I tend to go back and forth between overcompensating and relapsing as far as my wife's sister is concerned. I'm making sure to not be alone with her, but my behaviour towards her can now be described as completely unstable. Sometimes I act as though I don't even notice she exists when she's around, while other times I can't keep from showing my affection for her. So while she tends to be rather self-absorbed, I think she'll soon realize that something strange is going on, and I wouldn't be surprised if she confronts me about it.

I'm not sure if I can wait to see if my wife's sister realizes that something is happening... I want to tell her the truth, but I know that the truth probably won't help her too much... I know that complete honesty is only required for spouses, but I feel like it's wrong of me to treat her in such a strange manner without any kind of explanation. And part of me wants to apologize for the damage I've done to her relationships with both her sister and I.

So should I explain to my wife's sister why I'm avoiding her/acting oddly? If so, how can I explain it without making her uncomfortable or worse, making her feel she's somehow responsible? And if I don't tell her, do I risk blurting out something stupid when the day of confrontation comes?

Thanks.

Larrygeorge, welcome to these boards – I’m glad you’ve discovered this website.

Whatever you do, DON’T share your feelings with your wife’s sister! That will be the most terrible mistake you can make so please don’t do it. You did the right by being honest with your wife and tell her about this…actually, this was the first most important step you’ve taken, so congratulations on that.

Before I go further I have some questions for you:

You said “over the past year, I've been having some of my most important emotional needs filled by my wife's younger sister”. Be more specific please. WHAT needs did she fill for you and HOW was these needs filled exactly? What part did your wife’s sister played in all this? How did she contribute to put “love units” in your Love Bank to such a degree that you’ve developed romantic feelings for her?

You also said “sometimes I act as though I don't even notice she exists when she's around, while other times I can't keep from showing my affection for her”. When you show affection to her, HOW do you show it (verbally and/or physically) and HOW does you wife’s sister reacts exactly when you do this?

The reasons I’m asking the above questions is to determine the seriousness and level of this “one-sided EA” and if this EA is really just “one-sided”. I don’t know why but I have a suspicion that your wife’s sister already knows that “something strange” is going on and might not be completely blameless here (in her reactions towards you)...

How old are you, your wife and your wife’s sister? And how long have you been married? What Emotional Needs does your wife’s sister fill for you that your wife is not filling?

Hi,

Thanks for replying, Suzet*. Here's some more info:

The major emotional need she fulfilled was recreational; essentially, she and I would have fun together whenever we were with one another, and we'd always be doing something interesting (we have many similar interests). I'm not sure what the other needs are specifically; basically, she and I have very similar philosophies and goals in life.

My wife's sister seemed to have just as much fun as I did, and I think we both just wanted someone to share fun activities with. She's single, and she finds most of the men in her age group very immature. I think her "love units" came mostly from a mixture of having fun together and something about her that makes me feel really good about myself, though I can't exactly say what.

I tend to avoid physical contact with her, since I wouldn't want to risk being inappropriate, so I show my affection mostly through the intent way I listen to her and in the way that I am always looking out for her feelings and well-being. Basically, an outside observer might even believe that I'm just a caring person, but I can't imagine she's never noticed that I look at her differently than I do everyone else in the family. I treat her like we're a couple in every way but physical contact. Her reaction to me when I am over-thoughtful and over-generous is generally one of discomfort; not that she's upset that I do it, but rather that she knows that it's not a normal way to be treated by someone she isn't in a romantic relationship with.

As far as ages, my wife and I are in our mid twenties (I'm just over a year older), while my wife's sister is embarrassingly young, comparatively (she's just starting her university education).

My wife and I have only been married a couple of years. I don't really have any complaints about my wife; we just have different interests, and we had gotten very lax about spending time together HAVING FUN (as opposed to everything else couples end up doing together). With my wife's sister being so much fun, I sometimes found myself hoping that my wife would be unable to join us for whichever activity we were about to enjoy. That was not necessarily so we'd be alone together, but so that the person who signified responsibilities and commitments (and no longer signified good times) wouldn't ruin our fun. My wife can be fun, but there are varied reasons why she and I just weren't able to have fun together lately.

I wouldn't be surprised at all if my wife's sister enjoyed the opportunity to compete with her sister for my attention, but I doubt she thought there was a risk of something dangerous developing.

Does that answer your questions?

Well my take on this is that you are a young guy who is suddenly trapped for life in a marriage by one person and it scares you. Go find a male friend to do things with. The sister is all about your ego.

Agree with Pio.

Surprisingly, I also agree with Suzet - whatever you do DON'T tell your wife's sister about your feelings.

Larrygeorge, sorry for the late response – I didn’t had time to respond to you immediately.

Yes your response did answer my questions and I have a better “picture” of the exact situation now. I think the best way for you to handle this from now on is as follows:

1) Back off from your wife’s sister totally and stop behaving in inappropriate ways towards her e.g. stop showing affection to her; stop doing fun things with her and stop doing recreational activities alone with her. You’ve already said she shows discomfort with your “over-thoughtful” and “over-generous” behavior so stop doing that too. If she approaches you and question you changed behavior (which I don’t think she will), just tell her you’ve realized your behavior was inappropriate and wrong for a married man and that you’ve decided to stop doing it out of respect for her and your wife. That’s all. Don’t share your feelings with her at all! I can’t emphasize the importance of this enough.

2) If you happen to be in your wife’s sister’s company due to family events, visits to your wife’s parents house where she lives etc., make sure you’re never in her company alone (in case you might say or do a stupid thing) and try to behave NORMALLY and appropriately e.g. behave the way a married man would towards his spouse’s family members of the opposite sex. That means you must neither totally ignore her nor being over friendly with her. Be friendly and speak to her if/when necessary, but keep your boundaries and keep conversations to the minimum. However, if you’re going to avoid her too obviously (when you happen to be around her) it will raise suspicion from her and other people. You have to keep a balance here and try to react/behave as normal and indifferent as possible.

3) Ask your wife’s assistance to make sure you’re not around her sister alone and to plan events in such a way to reduce contact (between you and her sister) to the absolute mimimum. Don’t let this influence the precious relationship between your wife, sister and other family members though.

4) Most importantly you need to start focusing on your wife and marriage...and start focusing your thoughts, feelings etc. on her in stead of her sister. Both you and your wife also need to fill out the EN’s questionnaires and start fulfilling each other’s needs. Find fun things to do with your wife and start getting your need for Recreational Companionship etc. met through her.

Hope this will help.

Actually, how old is your wife's sister?

She's so young it makes me look very bad... she's only eighteen. And I can try to say things like "she's mature for her age", but really, I look pretty silly. In the end, I'm well aware that I'm really around five years too old for her (although she disagrees that it's a big age difference), but that still didn't keep me from having this problem.

Thank you everyone for replying... it sounds to me like we're getting a consensus that telling my wife's sister how I feel is the WORST IDEA EVER.

Or does anyone have a different take on this?

Thank you very much.

so, if I am hearing you correctly... this has been going on for over a year... which means you were having this issue with a minor. Correct? Use that to help you keep this in perspective.

As far as you still having this problem. Grow up. Be a man. This is your W's family for God's sake.
Do NOT tell her how you feel. Never mention to anyone. get yourself some very swift and intense counseling. If you were having emotional needs met by a minor... they were needs that reside south of your waist. The only reason you could have wanted to tell her about your feelings was to see if she felt the same way.
You have already ripped a big hole in the ability of your extended family to live a normal life. Now, it is time for you to start fixing it. Do not spend any time with this child until you have received extensive therapy. Your wife needs to be on board with everything that is going on here. Communicate your "emotional needs" to your wife. Frankly... I give so little credibility to these being sincere needs if you found them being met by a minor.
Really, I am sorry for the 2 x 4 here... but you need to grow up and be a man and stop chasing little girls.

Why have you been talking to her about your age difference?

Of course you should not tell her about your feelings.

IMO, you should no longer have a relationship with her at all.

You should immediately and suddenly become the cold, distant brother-in-law.

You even need to stop coming to family functions so you no longer have to see her.

And I agree you definitely need to immediately go into counseling about this.

Your thinking is no longer rational about her..to think that an 18 year old could possibly understand what's going on here.

Mimi...mother of a 19 year old son....

Hi,

Thank you very much for your perspectives; it's nice to hear the kind of response that parents and people with a little more life experience generally have. I think I agree with you, mimi1254, about how an 18-year-old wouldn't be able to understand and deal with this situation. And I do think that it might be a better idea to go with "cold and distant" than to continue being so inconsistent.

mkeverydaycnt, while I can certainly understand that there is something not quite right about the idea of having emotional needs met by someone so young (I think that's a very astute observation, in fact), I wouldn't want you and others to think that this was all about sex. But, you're onto something... that is how it started.

My wife told me that she wholeheartedly agrees with the notion that I really just need to grow up, be a man, and stop chasing little girls.

So now I have a good idea of what's next, and I know it isn't going to be easy.

So did you have sex with SIL before or after you got married. You had a PA and then an EA? Is that what you just said?

No... I've never had sex or any inappropriate physical contact with my wife's sister. But I have to admit that truthfully, it was my sexual attraction to her that first had me focusing my attentions on her... I went into this in a very inappropriate way, thinking that I could spend time with a beautiful young woman and leave it at that. Then things got out of hand, and now I'm not just a "dirty old man", I'm a dirty old man who lost control of his feelings.

Do you not find your wife sexually attractive or are you just not a one-woman man? Do you think you maybe used the family relationship to get close to a young woman that might have otherwise been difficult if there was no relation? I find some women other than my wife sexually attractive but I don't go out of my way to get near them. Have you considered counseling?

piojitos,

It wasn't that I was actually going to try and have sex with her, it's just that being around an attractive young woman who liked being around me was giving me an ego boost... and then that lead to other good feelings, and then it got out of control.

Certainly counseling seems to be the oft-recommended course of action, especially since it's obvious that I have little to no self-control.

Well, my wife has finally decided to let me know what she's really feeling. It's strange... I always knew that I didn't want her to know because it would hurt her... but I never IMAGINED that I would ever be able to hurt her as much as I actually have.

In order to regain her trust, I'm going to need to provide for the emotional needs of hers that I've been overlooking, and I certainly won't be receiving much from her for the next little while.

So I guess I'm having serious doubts that I have the strength to fix this; if I was weak enough to betray my wife in the worst way possible, how can I find the strength to spend the coming weeks or months building up "love credits" for her while she finds it harder than ever to give any to me (with good reason)?

To be honest, I am not sure if you should ever even be married. It would be far better to have cheated with a stranger than a sister. Those two have a lot of history and have been competing since preK. Regardless, the problem is YOU.

Larrygeorge,

The fact that you’re willing to seek help for your problems…the fact that you’ve reached out for help on this forum to help save/protect your marriage…AND the fact that you’ve turned to your wife about your feelings and became honest with her about it (instead of turning to her sister and share your feelings with her)…is VERY positive signs in my opinion and tells me that there is much hope for you and that you can turn this around… As I’ve said yesterday, you did the right by being honest with your wife and tell her about this…this was the first most important step you’ve taken and I comment you for that. Now you need to take further steps as already pointed out to you on this thread.

Please keep posting and seeking advice,
Suzet

Are you kidding me with this? You didn't know how much it would hurt your wife? BULLCRAP. You may have fallen off the turnip truck yesterday but we didn't. And now, you can't find "the strength" - two weeks worth - to make it up to her? What are you made of silly putty? That is a very selfish statement. If you are going to make it through this life you better pony up and deal with it.


As I see it you have two choices. Stay away from little sister as if she had the plague and work on those vows you took not so long ago {remember those?}. OR B - move to another country and leave that family alone before you really mess things up for all of them.

Now run to Sears and get yourself some big boy panties. Pull them way up high. Look yourself in the mirror and chant "I am a man" "I am a man" "I am a man".

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />