LG,

Have you had any sort of physical contact or relations with SIL? Please be clear with your answer because everytime you answer that question you deny it and then seem to admit it.

You have discussed your sitch and thrown out the good terms like EN's and LB's in an almost clinical fashion. Do you feel emotions over your sitch? Have you always lacked empathy for the feelings of others?

I fear that you are trying to intellectualize your way out of the mess you created. Ain't gonna happen, no way no how. Develop some emotional depth, or allow your emotions to surface, and take another run at it.

LG... what part of the country are you from?
Have you posted here before???

Hmm... I think I'm ready to make the switch from posting to a forum to speaking to a counsellor. I'm not sure the contempt some responders seem to have for me are helping me make productive choices.

What I'm trying to say is that I didn't know it was possible to hurt someone as much as I've hurt my wife... every time in the past that I thought my "heart was broken", it wasn't even 1% of what I just did to her.

I understand now that what I've done can't be described as only "half-bad" because I didn't sleep with her... I've seen that to my wife the results weren't any different at all.

And to confirm once and for all, I have never expressed any sexual or physical affection to her... the only touching I have ever done was the level of touching that would be appropriate for anyone (horseplay/goofing around), and was almost always done in the presence of my wife. Granted, I shouldn't have been doing even that.

My worry is not that I'm going to have a tough time trying to build up trust in my marriage; my worry is that I'm going to fail and break her heart all over again. I just hurt my wife far worse than I've ever hurt anyone in my life, and right now I have a strong urge to run as far away from this place as I can. And as has been said, if I'm not "man" enough to do this 100%, I should run away.

I wouldn't say that I have no empathy, or that I lack emotional depth. Like most people who are too self-absorbed, I overlooked the emotional consequences of something that to me seemed to offer nothing but good times.

I've never posted here before; I'm from the midwest.

This statement bothers me. It's almost a victim type statement, only in reverse.

They say some seek counseling before they run out the door as a validation to themselves that they did all they could do, but alas...just couldn't do it, too late, they are too weak, etc.

No 2x4 intended, just an observation.

I think waking up now is a good thing for your marriage. You didn't realize what was going on, now you do so you won't let it happen again. It's called having good boundaries.

It is important to know that you have the power to not hurt another, to think otherwise is victim mentality.

Does that make sense?

>...if I'm not "man" enough to do this 100%, I should run away."


The problem with running away, LG, is that you can never outrun yourself.

While running away might end the drama for this family after they spend the next two or three years in therapy, it will do nothing for you and for any other people you might get involved with in the future.

Why not instead find a counselor, face your demons, and become the kind of person you are happy to face in the mirror each morning?

Hi,

Thank you everyone for your advice and opinions. I'm going to be getting the counselling that I so obviously need. My wife has made it clear that we're going to be working through this together.

I had another question: I was reading about Plan A, and I was wondering if that is something my wife needs to consider executing... should she be exposing what I've done to her friends and family, or is that something she doesn't need to do unless I fail in doing what I'm supposed to?

Thanks.

In MB terms, you should proceed with RECOVERY..protecting and strengthening your marriage..not PLAN A.

Exposure, IMO, is necessary when the WS does not acknowledge an A.

You have done that.

It is important for you and your wife to begin to focus on meeting each other's important ENs and for you to begin spending all of your RECREATIONAL TIME together..at least 15 hours a week of uninterrupted time together..

So read up on RECOVERY...

(I was told that it would be better for continuity to keep posting in the same thread, so I've pasted in this post I had placed in "Recovery")

Hi,

It's been almost a week since I came clean to my wife about just how out-of-control my feelings for her youngest sister are. I'm still not sure that I made the right choice by telling her at such a fragile time, but I didn't want to see our relationship weaken any further. The first few days afterward she seemed to handle things really well, but now she is on the verge of a complete breakdown.

She says that she's slipping into a deep depression, and that she's angry at herself because she doesn't want to be angry with me. She's feeling guilty for "allowing it to happen", even though she has nothing to feel guilty about.

Does anyone have any experience with a betrayed spouse who is internalizing anger and guilt? We're both going to go to independent counselling, but we don't think we'll actually get in to see anyone until September, and I'm really worried that we won't be able to hold it together until then.

Does anyone have any ideas on what I can do to support my wife? I've tried to convince her that she needs to be angry with ME, and that she has nothing to feel guilty about, but obviously she's not accepting that.

Should she try and find a friend to confide in? Should I try to convince her to post to a place like MB? Should I just let her have the distance she seems to want until she figures out what to do, or until she starts getting the counselling she needs? (The problem with this last idea is that I'm really worried about backsliding, and I feel like I really need to be close to her if I'm going to stay strong.)

Note: it may seem strange to some people that my wife would be in such a fragile state due to my revelation, but she's also trying to cope with her mother's cancer and some past sexual abuse that she only recently started to face. So obviously I'm really good at my timing.

Thank you.

Hi Larrygeorge,

Your wife seems to be in a similar position I was in.
During my H's A I was going through a rough time myself.
Maybe you turned your attention to another woman like my H did because you/he weren't getting the "normal" amount of attention from your own wife.

It wasn't my sister but my best friend my H "choose" to have his A with.
It's just convient I guess - she was around a lot and they shared a mutual interest in computer programming that they spent ALL the time talking about, leaving both her H and myself out of the conversation, even when we were out all together each week.
And she was all over him with her admiration for his computer skills...
Admiration being his #1 emotioneel need.

When I found out they had been having sex for +1 year.
I felt that I had to be a really bad wife and friend for them to be ABLE to do such a horrible thing..
Because I couldn't imagine them doing this to someone they loved!!

I didn't find MB until months after D-Day, and even then it took me months to get it into my head that I wasn't the bad guy here..
To get in touch with the internalised anger.
I just thought I had to "get over it" and go on with my life because they promised to never do it again and were really sorry.
I couldn't understand why I couldn't let it go and yes.. I was angry with myself for not being able to let it go.

My advice to you?
Get your wife here on MB.
Let her read and read.
Let her speak her mind here, to get it out of her system.
And to get feedback from people who have been there.

And counseling is important of course.
With a GOOD counselor, not someone who minimises her feelings "because nothing really happened".
September isn't that far away...

Meanwhile, try to find out what your W's emotional needs are and start meeting them big time.
It's one of the best ways to show her you love her.

And.. keep posting here.

You seem to have a desire to get this out in the open though several have advised against this.

What do you hope to gain by having this attraction to your SIL out in the open?

nams,

I'm constantly fighting that ridiculous urge to find out if my wife's sister feels the same way about me (I know that's wrong)... but I do think that my wife needs to tell someone, because she's feeling all alone in this. The truth is, I have two friends who know what I'm feeling, and sometimes it really helps me to open up about it once in a while. (And they're both guys, too.)

brownhair,

Thank you for sharing your experience. I do agree that my wife should spend some time on MB. One thing she noticed from posting to another forum (for survivors of abuse) was that people tended to dismiss her intense emotions because it was only a one-sided emotional affair... but I don't think that would happen here.

You really need to grow up... you sound like a high school girl. Be a man. Why would you care if she feels the same for you... unless you would act on your feelings... which I think you would. You come here pretending to be concerned for your W. I just don't see it. You just want to act like you are trying to get help for and obsession that started when this girl was a minor. You need some serious help.

I keep being told (by numerous posters) to "grow up", "be a man", and that I "need some serious help". Does this mean that there's a general consensus that I'm a lost cause?

I'm trying to be honest about every feeling, and yes, there are definitely many feelings that are inappropriate, obsessive, and dangerous. But that doesn't mean that my concerns for my wife are insincere... given the fact that I am still very tempted to act on my feelings, I know that I don't really have any right to be anyone's husband.

So maybe I need to take a break from my wife and her entire family while I get the counselling I need? Or maybe I need to end this marriage now, so that my wife can find someone who is mature enough to be her husband?

But my wife tells me that she doesn't want me to leave, and that everything's eventually going to be okay.

I honestly don't know if it's better to stay, and hope I don't make this situation worse, or if it would be easier on my wife for me to leave now. A week ago, I thought that running away was just a silly way to avoid seeing my wife so upset... but now I wonder when leaving would be the right decision? Are there wayward spouses who are so wayward in their hearts that their marriages are beyond hope?

OK, I have to put my 2c in as well.
You are treading on very dangerous ground, if you are not careful a land mine will explode in your face.

How do you think it is going to go down with your wife's family that you have this going on. You are betraying one daughter for a lustful infatuation with another. You may very well destroy a lot of lives with your childish fantasy.

You need to either grow up or get out of the lives of both these women and this whole family before you cause major problems for them all.

Seems to me you have just changed your mind mid-stream about who it is you want to be with. Personally, for everyone's sake, I hope the younger sister tells you to take a hike. Hopefully she has more maturity than you.

Stop playing with people's lives and either get over it or do everyone a favour and leave permanently.



Apart from that .. I'm thinking you are a troll. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Larry,

Your M is in huge, huge trouble. You need to stop contact with your W's sister FOR LIFE if you ever want to save it.

It's quite possible that you are too self-focused to save your M, yes (I'm answering in response to "are there WS who are so wayward in their hearts that their M are beyond hope?") It really isn't your heart, either... it's your loins.

Have you thought about how your behavior is affecting your W's relationship with her sister? Do you have any siblings? Think about growing up with your sibling(s)... playing outside, going to school together, sticking up for each other, confiding in one another, coming downstairs on Christmas day, etc... think about those childhood memories BEING RIPPED APART by someone who was suppose to love and protect you. Think about someone coming in and altering that innocent relationship for the rest of your life. You are playing with fire in a huge way.

I guess I'm wondering what kind of advice you're really looking for here. Do you want to save your M, or do you want us to tell you that you are "too far gone" so you have "permission" to pursue this self-absorbed fantasy with your SIL?

I'm sincere with my question.

KM

LG... I am beginning to wonder about the veracity of your story. Considering your ridiculous replies and lack of morals...I wonder if your story can in fact be real.

If you are for real... get professional help immediately. If you are not and are playing games here... get professional help immediately. Obviously your first stop needs to be a counselors office.

You need to be a man. You obviously have no idea what that entails. So, either be willing to start following some advice... perhaps you need to call the Harley's... or just go away. Because frankly, I am tired of wasting time on someone that seems to want to play the role of a concerned spouse... yet seems to have NO desire to do anything to improve his situation. SHE IS A CHILD FOR GOD'S SAKE... LEAVE HER ALONE. Stop being a dirtbag and do the right thing... and if you can't... leave... and never speak to your SIL again.

BTW... if these were my sisters you were screwing with... I would rip your head off.

Perhaps you live too close to some of the corn fields that dominate your state.... pesticides can do crazy things.

Wow... I think I'm going to have to stop posting... I don't see how I'm being stupid and disrespectful. And I'm not really sure how my replies are ridiculous and without morals.

I haven't had contact with my wife's sister in a week, and I have no plans for any contact. When I started reading and posting at MB, I was feeling very confident that I could follow the advice contained herein and restore the love and trust in my marriage; now, I'm not sure I can even have any relationships with anyone... however, this barrage of collective disgust has helped my wife out... whenever I tell her about the latest comments made about me, she smiles... and she hasn't been smiling much lately.

LarryGeorge,

you need to do everything you can to stop this emotional affair where it exists - IN YOUR HEAD.
You have to treat it like you would treat a life-threatening smoking habit.

Or you can keep feeding it:
fantasising about it:
while, realistically, giving into this fantasy would
- destroy your M
- destroy a family
- IF your SIL would have the same feelings..
you would very likely find yourself in a very short-term relationship with an immature, selfish person (who wouldn't minding cheating on her own sister)
- if your SIL doesn't share these feelings..
and you tell her about them..
and she thinks you're a jerk for even thinking that way about her..
you'll be in for some very ackward X-mas parties for the rest of your life.

Not a pretty scenario, is it?

I do think it's a good idea to find a good counselor.
You'll need support, too, to get through this.

If you get out of this M - you'll take whatever makes you run and take the easy way out into the next relationship.
You have nothing to lose by trying to fix this.

Well, here goes. I was invited on here by my husband, who is calling himself Larrygeorge. Which is kinda funny realy. When he told me about this web site he said he picked a totally random name. Not really random if you know him at all. Both names come from his pop culture idols. Neither of which I can stand. I wonder if that has any meaning? Anyway I wanted to come on here and say that yes, this is for real. And that I know how incredibly annoying his whole intellectualizing thing is. He even over thinks christmas stocking stuffers. Hes a real pain in the *ss to grociary shop with. I bet I am sounding a bit glib here, but I am nervous. I havent really said anything about this situation out loud never mind seen it written down in black and white. Its incredibly unnerving to me. This past week has been by far the hardest of my life. My sanctuary has been taken from me. Has anyone on here heard that new Dixie Chicks Song, Easy Silence?

"Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay"

Well thats what he was to me. I am still figuring out if he can be again. We shall see. I think I am so filled with rage right now my mind is not letting my heart feel it all. Or really anything beyond quick flashes of intence anger and betrayl. My mom taught me when I was young about the trust bank. I havent really looked on this web site before but I am told there is a'love bank'. Well I have no idea what that is but my mom told me that the trust bank is where you deposit and withdrawl trust. Well up to about a week ago his was as high as you can imagine. And then he made a massive withdrawl. Theres not much left there. Infact he is in arrears, and the interest is high at the trust bank. My relationship with my sister will never, ever be the same again but it will allways be there. She is my everything, just as my other sister and my parents are. But it is forever changed. I saw her yesterday and had to conciously not snipe away at her. But I did fine I think. She suspects nothing. We sat together at dinner and laught together. When our waitress told us a funny-ish story of her best friends two timming boyfriend things got awkward for me, but my lovely sister laught away with the rest of them. I am so happy she knows nothing. I can handle me being hurt, but her, if she ever knew, it would kill her and there by kill me. She is a really wonderful, sparkly person, who I love more than I can put into words. I am not me with out both of my sisters. We have been there together through my mothers illness, through my other sisters illness, through everything. Our relationship will remain when everyhting else is gone. And my husband knows that. If it came down to him or them, he knows that he would probably not like the outcome. But he also knows that I am not built for giving up. I am but for committment and determination. My best trait isnt my looks, its my willingness to work hard, to respect others, to be perceptive (or at least I thought I was until all this) and love with my whole heart. So we shall see if those things can carry us through. I hope so. I am not good at failure. I guess I just wanted to say that he is for real, this aweful, terrible, shameful, disgusting story is for real, but my relationship with my sisters is stronger than this story is aweful, and that my ability to love is bigger than my husbands ability to screw things up. We will see if my ability to forgive is as large.

If your husband is stupid enough to tell your sister of his feelings, one thing is certain - your family will be destroyed.

The 2 other things that could happen is he will be humiliated OR they will get it on.

Read the infidelity FAQ's linked in my signature and tell your husband to STFU.