I just googled STFU to see what it meant. If it means what it said it means ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I agree ... even though I wouldn't have said it like that myself.

I would have said ... tell your husband to STFU and don't let the door hit you in the *[censored] on your way out!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


And then went and had lunch with my sister.

Well, that about sums it up doesn't it.... sometimes a STFU is worth a 1000000 words. You rock BK.

larrygeorge,



I read "self-interested" in this rationale. Your poor BW is not alone. She has the MB Community.

There is not reason to tell the sister--EXCEPT to continue to feed your fantasy about her.


I congratulate you for being honest about your feelings to your BW. (I assume you confessed? Or did she confront you?) At any rate the truth is out there and that is a really good thing. Remember that it was the actions that hurt her--not the telling part.

As to the honesty, I note that you admitted this is about your ego. Thats a good first step. See, its not really about her sister at all--another woman n the same situation would have had the same pull on you. Because the pull is about YOU. Your attraction is really about how she makes you feel about YOU. So start focusing on what is missing inside of YOU....as well as what is missing in your M.

Welcome Darkclouds,

though I am sorry that you must be here, I am sure you will find comfort and support among the many people who have been in a similar situation.

Just a couple of observations, if I may be so bold.

First, please start your own thread. Though you are on this road of recovery with tyou FWH, you experience will be very different and merits its own attention.

I can only imagine how much you must be hurt, and what an uncomfortable personal family situation this must create for you--to further complicating things.

In your post, I notice some tones and comments that your BH might find hurtful. Remember, saving the M and recovering means protecting each other from each other. I recommend reading about "Love Busters" and how they may impact your M. I have found the material on this website very helpful.

Another observation. I see that you are really close to your family, which is great. Beware, though, of putting your own nuclear family and those relationships BEFORE your marriage. It appears you are rather early in your M and that you dont have children, sometimes that transition does not happen for people until they have their own children, but the M will undoubtedly suffer if your place each others own family (the in-laws) as a priority relationship before the M.

Just my 2 cents. Keep posting (oh, please add PARAGRAPHS!)

Are there any WS out there who also seem to have a chronic need to prove to their BS that they aren't worth keeping? Every time it seems like we're on track, I do something so outrageous and out-of-character that I myself am surprised at my actions. Tonight we went out for dinner and a movie, and everything was going well... so I ended the evening by getting into a shouting match with a group of cyclists and proceeded to explain to my wife why I wanted to kill them. I was very angry, and then I naturally aimed my venom at her.

So now she's left to go for a drive, so she can be angry without risking saying something to me that she'll regret... once she cools down a little, she'll come home and we'll talk...

I don't deserve such good treatment... perhaps if I keep the insanity going for a while I'll drive her away... and then I can be alone and miserable... I don't know why that appeals to me so much these days.

Either way... I'd love to hear from people, be they people who have been in my situation, or people just wanting to send me some more hate mail... either one's good.

Thanks.

Do your REALLY want to be ALONE?

Have you looked into therapy yet?

What makes you think your actions will DRIVE HER AWAY?

If you want to leave, you can leave. It is not necessary to DRIVE HER AWAY is it?

I'm going to therapy in around seven hours.

I just found out that my wife's sister was already aware of our issue, and also decided to pull away.

I need to work out why I want my wife to hate me... I think that's the core issue.

Maybe you want out of the M but are lacking the courage to take that step, by placing the decision on your wife you do not to have to face her pain and disappointment if you leave.

Or, maybe you want her to punish you for your behavior because it makes it easier to accept. If you were acting selfishly AND she is still loving--it is much harder to face your own behavior....there is no defense for it!

I dont knoz. You are the only one that can know, but both of the above reasons stem from not wanting to assume responsibility for your feelings.

Larrygeorge,

A few random thoughts here.

I hope your therapist/counselor can help you with this issue.
I'm glad you're going into therapy.
I think you understand that if you run away from this M, you'll just be taking this issue to the next M.
This is not about you being the "bad" guy.
It's something that needs to be healed, inside you.

This "I'm not worthy" thing..
It can make you hurt others..
Thus confirming to yourself "See? I'm an ****".

So it's very important and worthwhile that you look at the reasons for it, and heal them.

About the anger..
This scenario would work for me, I don't know if it would work for you:
Maybe you're just angry at yourself for f*cking up?
Own your actions..
Say.. ok, I'm an idiot for making everything so complicated and messy that I'm actually driving the people I love away..
I'm going to do my damndest to fix this!
I will not rest until I get to the bottom of WHY I'm doing this, and heal it at the core.

Please let us know how this develops.
Don't throw in the towel.

Just a quick update, for any who may wonder...

I went to my first therapy session on Friday, and I'm going back on Tuesday. I know it's going to be a long process, but this beginning has also made me see how necessary it is.

My wife and I had a big argument yesterday afternoon, and I said some things that really hurt her (she said some hurtful things, too, but I was worse) about being bored with my life. Obviously, I should have realized at this time that I was really just declaring that she is boring, which isn't true.

Anyway, I had a meeting to go to that evening, and when I returned, we had a talk. And at that point I started to finally realize what my feelings really are on this situation: I love my wife, and I'm in love with my wife. For a while we were both concerned that I had fallen in love with her sister, but in reality, I had become terrified of my grown-up and empowered wife (I have some issues with that), and her sister was just a shadow of my wife when she was a little less mature and confident, and not as scary. That's all her sister is to me: a shadow of her... almost as smart... almost as pretty... almost as funny... almost as caring... but not quite.

I'm still going to maintain a no contact policy with her sister, who has also independently made the decision to pursue no contact with me, but now I'm starting to realize that I didn't choose the wrong sister to be with... I am with the right woman, but I need to get these issues resolved so that I can treat her with the respect she deserves.

Anyway... that's my update... I have a big mental health questionnaire to fill out at therapy on Tuesday, and we're going to talk family issues... so I know it'll be nice and unpleasant.

Sounds great!

Do you understand about the concept of LOVEBUSTERS?

This means NO ANGRY OUTBURSTS.

I ran into my wife's sister tonight by chance... things went well... I held the right balance between being too affectionate and sounding angry and/or insane... I was polite, but not particularly warm... she asked my wife if I was angry with her, but my wife replied about how she had been jealous of me getting more of her sister's attention.. that seems to have been believed.

Mimi, thanks for your comments. There were no angry outbursts at all... we're pretty calm when we speak about our feelings, but sometimes our discussions still end up with hurt feelings.

I'm going back to therapy tomorrow, and I haven't done my homework yet... I'd better get on it...