Could anyone direct me to some plan B letters.
Thank you

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Thank you pep,
I've read many of your posts and I'm currently reading Mywifeilove's I'm in January 06

Thanks everyone.
I have been posting in En's for a couple of months.
My W has moved out and I just am starting to see that she has moved on with another man.
It hurts like He!!.
Thanks again.

JS,

I encourage you to do more than just ask for some examples of Plan B letters. Give a more detail account of what's happening to you currently and ask the GQII'ers to give you some solid advice above and beyond a Plan B letter.

For instance, what will a Plan B look like for you?

Isn't a Plan B desiged to be a separation so you can maintain the love you have for your W while also sending her a wake-up or I'm out of here message?

I think right now you need to deal with the A. Your W has openly admitted she's exploring the possiblity of falling in love with someone else while still being married (albeit separated from you).

I think you need some serious help from the GQII posters to help you with this. You going off concocting a Plan B letter isn't going to be enough.

Folks JSLost needs your help.

Hey, JS, just TRY AS HARD AS H E L L to do all the things that you enjoyed doing when things were fine. Whether it be basketball, golf, doing things with the kids...etc. Her problems are hers......YOU CAN'T CHANGE HER!!! But you can look at yourself and change the things that you KNOW need changing.....

When a car breaks down, due to a blown engine, you pop the hood and recognize that not only hadn't you checked the oil in awhile, but the battery cables are damaged, the belt is worn, the radiator is leaking, etc. You've neglected the car for awhile now....and NOW you realize it....but it's too late.

It doesn't mean you can't replace the battery cables, replace the belt, repair the radiator......but the car still won't restart.....BUT....

maybe you have the knowledge to change the entire engine...and have a new car with the same body!!!!! And you gain knowledge of how to change the engine, by making the small repairs first, improving the car, making it more attractive.

As you learn about the car, you will become more knowledgeable in how the car works, and it won't ever get to the point it was before the engine blew.


Now re read the above analogy replace the word "car" with "your marriage".....and the same applies.

Take it as literally as you can.....just go fix YOU.....hopefully you'll learn how to change "an engine" after awhile.
MWIL

JS,

I've been out of town....sorry I missed your email, but I'll try to respond today. It's too early for Plan B....let me explain. You haven't finished Plan A. According to what I know about you and your wife over the last few months....she has felt neglected and controlled. Now that she has finally broken free....it's not going to be easy to turn her around until you can demonstrate that the changes you're making are real and sustainable. Right now, you need to concentrate on stopping the love busting and filling the needs she WILL allow....which won't be much and won't be easy. She is likely to view your attempts at contact as "stalking".....so before you go dark and in Plan B....I think it's important to show her that you are strong and capable of letting her go even though that isn't your choice. Let her contact YOU....let her make the moves towards you...instead of the other way around. When she does....don't try and fix anything, plan anything, control anything....just be receptive and independent. Don't give her compliments....as you can tell...they aren't well recieved right now. Don't tell her you love her....unless, she says it first.

She has to see your ability to function independently, respond with stength and confidence, and resist the urge to check up on her. You know the score now....don't waste your time riding by her house or following her. It will work against you.

Please stop pursuing her in any way. Do not tell her about how miserable you are. Do not ask her about what she's doing. Do not tell her that you know she can fall in love with you again. Right now....she is feeling her freedom and she is fogged with fantasy. Reality has not yet set in. You've already confronted her with your feelings....and her cold response is an indication of how closed her heart is to you right now. Because of the past dynamics.....please limit your exposure to the people who support your marriage and are most likely to help rather than a scorched earth kind of exposure. Choose your targets wisely. I know you're somewhat close to her mother....enlist her help if you can. Doesn't she have a sister too?

The one place you're going to have to put up with the accusations that you're controlling is with the children around Frank. The man is a drug dealer....and that means....it's not safe for your children to be with him. You will have to confront your wife about this. If she wants to see Frank....you can't stop her....however, you can prevent her from bringing him around your children. And you need to. Make it clear to your wife that you have no intention of trying to control her life....but that you are still responsible for your children and will do whatever needs to be done to protect them....including taking legal action to prevent them from being exposed to a drunk drug dealer. If she balks....you follow through.

You need to decide what to tell your children in an age appropriate way. Be honest to them about the fact that Frank has problems and isn't the kind of guy that you want around them. Let them know it's your job to protect them from any danger and you aren't comfortable knowing that he's around them. Explain that you and their mom are still married.....and married women are not supposed to have boyfriends so you feel hurt and angry about her choice to date right now.

Do not go to Plan B until you've demonstrated that you can be attentive without smothering.....caring without being needy....against the affair without stalking or jealousy.

Don't forget to take care of yourself and as others have suggested....invest some time in recreational activities that you enjoy. Spend time with your children. Exercise. Eat well....look your best.

I'll add more after you fill in some of the details for other people here.....to get good help they need to know your story and a brief history of your marriage.

Good Luck my friend!!

MyAlias, Mywifeilove, and Star*fish
Thank you for the posts...I'll try to give more background when I can.
No plan B......I'm researching........Now I'm up to mwil's second plan A and i know this is where i need to go.
Thank you all for the direction. I'm not giving up.
I'm glad to see that there is another man involved because now I know she's in "the fog"

That probably sounds strange but I had no hope for my situation before (I thought she was just done) but now i can see theres still a chance. (A Fog)
The op (Frank) is a dirtbag kind of like mwil's op.
I'm not to sure about the information I got on the drug dealer stuff so I'm going to talk to a couple of friends i have on the police force and get his last name and criminal background and find out whatever else i can.
I'm up to 05/18/06 on mwil's thread...can't wait to finish reading it.
It out to be a book on how to do the plan a and plan b right.

JS

New header

E-Mail exchange between W and I
Thanks mwil

From JS
Hey,

I just wanted to let you know that If I can help with the stress thing......(the van, your work, the kids, etc.) I'm always here to listen to you....yes...LISTEN! I know it sounds unbelievable at times, but I want to help you get through all of this!! I wish I could have had the calmness I have now, back in Oct.-Dec. Not that it would have changed anything, but......

Or maybe I'm not the right person to turn to...I wouldn't be offended...just offering an ear....with no judgments or opinions...just an ear, and understanding. I wish that I could take all your stress away...I have always wished for that...no matter what the circumstances were.

Your decisions and the way you have always lived your life, have always had someone Else's best interest in mind. (me, the kids, your mom, your sister etc.) I'm glad your doing things for yourself now.

It's time to focus on you and only you.
You deserve this. You have worked so hard all these years for the kids and I. I know this sounds strange (or fake) coming from me but I know who I am now. I'm not a vindictive person.
Just someone who really cares.
I do hope that Frank knows what a wonder full person he has in you.

I wont interfere with that situation anymore but I do hope you continue to think about the adjustment that the kids are making and just give them a little time to accept all of this.
Your the mother of my children and a DAMN fine one at that.
It may be to soon for you to trust me so all I can say is "just trust me".

Honestly, there are still times I long to hold you...touch you....love you in the most cherishing of ways...but I have detached enough so that it is a warm feeling....not a painful one, to think of those images.

Our marriage is over but the friendship doesn't have to be. You've been real good to me through all of this and I won't forget that.

Oh, just one question. Would it be easier if I just backed off for a while from being around you and gave you some space?
Reply with your honest thoughts. It's safe to speak your mind, I promise.

J

WW reply
I just would like for you to respect my privacy and space like calling before you come by. I know this is hard for you and I try not to say much of anything because I don't want to cause any more pain. Just to let you know I am thinking of the kids as well and letting them adjust to the whole situation. I'm not pushing anything on them.

An update on the work situation..... Coworker walked out at 1:30.....not coming back........They are making a BIG mistake.


My reply

Thank you so much for the honesty...I can understand what you mean about your privacy.
The hard part has been not knowing your bounderies or rules.
I just never suspected that you had someone else and it was kind of a shock to me.

Please, please be honest with me in the future. Talk to me. I know you think it is none of my business and that you don't owe me anything but it sure would help to know what you are thinking so I don't have to guess and then make things worse later.

I wasn't trying to imply that you were pushing anything on them, (the kids) I'm sorry if it came off that way.
I'm not trying to guilt you either if that's what it sounded like.
Like I said "your a great mother".


("An update on the work situation..... Coworker walked out at 1:30.....not coming back........They are making a BIG mistake.")

OH MY LORD...you have got to tell me more...what is she going to do?
Talk to me, talk to me.
I NEED gossip.

Ok, I'm ready for this. I can do this.

Thanks Star, I printed yours and Mwil's above posts and have been rereading them this evening.

I can do this, I know I might have sounded desperate in the beginning but I've calmed down now and I CAN do this.

I feel better being here because it gives me a direction....FINALLY.
I've just been so lost up untill now. But now I know what I'm up against and I've watched others here in plan A struggle and succeed and I've seen others fail.
In the end they were better people for being here and thats what I'm hoping to do. Become a better person, father, and yes even a husband to my ww (I hope) if not then to some other lucky girl.

I want my wife back.....(remember I said that) because in 3 or 4 months when I want to give up I want some 2x4's brought in here to keep me going strong.

Mywifeilove.....you have inspired me as well as the others who have been posting to you for the last several months.
You guys rock...all of you.

Thanks for the support...now....... where do I start? LOL

JS

I'm going to fight this A.

Last night as I lay in bed I thought about my ww and op. I pictured them together in my mind. I pictured them sleeping together and doing all sorts of things.I got the mental picture in my mind of them doing "IT".
You know what? It didn't bother me as much as I thought it would.
Strange but thats why I think I'm ready to take on this challenge.
He can't compare to me and never will, he is pond scum and I really think that she will see that someday.
I'm told he is a cheater and sleeps around with other women quite a bit.
Kids called me last night to say goodnight and no mention of him.
It will be hard for them to be together with the kids there all of the time.
Knowing what I know about him (which at this point is very little) he will be going out and partying when he's not with her.
I'm sure at some point she will have me start to take the kids more.
A lot of stress at her work now and if she will talk to me about it then that gives me an opportunity to make deposits in her bank.

I called her coworker last night to tell her I'm sorry to here about her situation at work and that I have a friend that is in the same business and that I would talk to her to see if anyone is hireing.
When kids called last night they asked "do you want to talk to mommy?"
I said no thats ok, I said goodnight and see you tomorrow then hung up.
I called ww back (I know mistake) and asked "did you need to talk to me?
She said "no" I said "oh, ok, I just wanted to make sure.
I said "I called your coworker tonight"
She said "Why?" (kind of mad)
I said, "I just told her about a place that might be hiring and told her to get me a resume when she had a chance and that I was sorry to here about her situation and that was all"
ww- **quiet** for a minute (upset)
ww-"I'm outa here
Me "what?"
ww "I got to go"
me "ok goodnight"


Thoughts on this?

JS....just watch out you don't go TOO overboard....the call to the co-worker (unless you know the coworker outside of your WW's work) was probably viewed in a cynical way by your "fogged" out WW.

Get in tune with yourself. No calling WW!!! Slowly, let her do all the calling!! She will start to wonder what is up....you can still do Plan A, but only when WW initiates contact....and believe me....she will....be upbeat...YOU SHOULD BE....YOU'RE A GOOD GUY!!!

Enjoy all the things that you put off to the side while concentrating on your family!!!

And if the OM in your sitch is like you describe....that will only work in your favor!!! If you demonstrate strength of self all the time, you won't need to "fake it" in front of your FWW, ....and when she see's strength, she will start to see the "weakness" of the OM in comparison to you....after those darn brain chemicals wear off!!

MWIL

Thanks mwil,
I will listen to you carefully.

no calls.

Told WW yesterday that I might want to stop by her house today at lunch time to see the kids. I said "I'll call you first and then call the babysitter to let her know to have the kids outside so I don't have to go in the house".

She said that sounds ok. I had other things to do today so I didn't go see them, thus I didn't have to call her.

I'm sure I will see her tonight at S12's football practice. She will probably want me to take the kids tonight.

Let her talk first?
Don't say to much?

I want to start this off correctly.

Any thoughts or comments?
Thanks

(((JSLost)))

Would it be an LB to remind her that she said that she said she wanted to know what it was like to live alone, without being controlled, that she went from her parents house to yours, and then, she moves some guy in weeks from when she left you? Maybe her mom could remind her instead?

Why is it time to focus on her when to her that means move some guy in? How well does she know this guy? JSLost, when my parents were divorcing when I was a kid, my Dad didn't want to fight anymore, he felt guilty about his own affair, and so he said NOTHING when my mom moved some guy she had known for less than a month into our home. She went on to marry him, and is still with him. He turned out to be a child molester among other things.

Do you know whether your kids are left unattended with this guy? Can you ask your daughter to call you if this happens?

What about running a background check on him?

Have you told your kids that they can come to you with ANYTHING? And if for ANY reason they are uncomforable talking to you, to tell a teacher, or grandma?

Have you asked your son to not leave his sister alone in a room with this guy?

Why do you hope this? Wouldn't you rather he gets away from your family? I'm not sure what you meant here?

(((((((ears)))))))good to here from you.
I'm sorry if i don't make scense, I'm just really confused right now.


This is a very good point but how do I approach this now?
He does spend the night there when the kids aren't there but he hasn't "moved in" yet.
See, the thing is, I know very little about him right now.
As soon as I can get his last name then I will get more info.
I asked ww if she was in love with him she said "I dont know yet"....... "its been too soon"........"I'm just having fun".
I'd like to just go over there and tell them both that there aSSh__les.
What do I do?

They will not be there alone with him anymore...I made this clear with ww.
The kids know this too and I told ww that I sat the kids down and told them the rules regarding OP.
Kids will call if this happens.I have discussed it time and time again with ww and the kids.


As soon as I get an liscense number or a last name.
I have someone working on the name right now.
He hasn't been there as much lately but he did spend the night 2 nights ago.
My kids were there last night and he wasn't there. ww niece was over to so she could watch the kids today.
Babysitter needed a day off.

This was part of what I told kids when I sat them down the other night.
They were instructed to call me if Frank stays there or if ww leaves them there with Frank and they are not to go anywhere without ww.
WW also knows what I told them and she knows they will do it too.



Again...I dont know what I'm doing.......I'm new at this.
I said it so that she knows that I fully understand that she is in an affair and that they are not "just friends" as she has stated earlier.
I want her to know that I've changed...you see in the past i would have called her every name in the book and went nuts and ran to the lawyers office.
Now i just show some composure and she is standing there waiting for the Chit storm to start and she gets nothing.
I believe this is really confusing her and i think she is trying to test me sometimes and I am not showing the usuall me.
Ya know?
I told her I'm changing and now I'm showing her.
Wrong? I don't know but i do know ww and she is confused with "the new me" and i can tell you from what I heard her say in the past that she don't trust the "new me" yet.

It's a little confusing
set bounderies...dont love bust....emotional needs...
I guess I need a little more help with how to talk with out djing and not love busting but at the same time set bounderies.

I hope he get the He!! away from my family, What do I do?
I could go over there and pull his pony tail out.

Not sure thats showing a good plan A

HELP.

Quick question.
Remember I'm new.

I just got an invitation to go to a baseball game on wednesday night from work.
Do I ask ww if she wants to go?
Just take the kids and not ask her at all?
I know she will NOT go with me (I'm 98% sure) but do I ask anyway? just to be nice or is this my way of showing her I can do things with the kids.

I'm taking the kids either way but do I ask her?
If I take all of the kids it gives ww a chance to have om overnight.
If I take just S12 (which is what i probobly will do) she will have to have 2 little ones and no om
2 younger kids wouldnt want to sit still for that long

Thoughts?

<bump> for thoughts please

JS, I'm so relieved you have protection set up for the kids, so that they know not to be unsupervised with this guy. I hope you get some good insight on what to do next.

You got some solid advice from star amd mywifeilove, hang in there!