This is a fabulous way to look at it!!!



Good for you to focus on this!!!

~ Marsh

Nice to see you MM, Thanks for stopping by.



It works wonders when you readjust your thinking.



Well, she really hasn't had a good day that I can see.
I just keep getting stronger and stronger and having more fun with my kids and my friends and neighbors.
She's just..........uuuummmmm.......status quo, I guess.

Thanks MM

JS

2 questions for mwil...
Did your friend ever start posting here?...I remember you saying that a friend just found out he had a ww.
Hows he doing?

Jeff

Him and his wife are in recovery. The exposure was done by the school she and OM worked at. They got caught in the act by a janitor!!! They both lost their job and the OM is now 2000 miles away!!! They seem to both be doing fine!!!

Sounds like JS(Jeff) is doing fine too!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Look in the mirror and see the change from just a month or two ago. We learn about ourselves through this process.....hard way....but we HAVE to learn!!

Good luck, my friend,
MWIL

When I look in the mirror now theres always this guy with this big grin looking back at me.
Didn't know who he was for a couple of days.

Oh yeah............I know that dude. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

About your friend.
I thought you were going to say that you snapped his ww out of her fog like superman or something. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

You Da man G.
well....you and The Harleys.

JS

Nothing new really going on. Same old interactions between ww and I.

We talk about kid stuff and thats about it. She's never been mean or rude to me and we don't argue.
I set up a schedule for the kids and she agreed to it. S12 still don't want to stay much at her house.

At S12's football game she sat a couple of rows behind me and din't talk much...just small talk with me starting it usually.
After s12's football game Saturday, she was taking the kids that night and S12 said "its the weekend, I stay at dads on the weekend" (he is rude to her). I told her I didn't know what to do about S12.
She said if he wants to go to your house thats ok. Well, he decided to go to her house but Sunday morning he called and asked if I could come and get him so I picked him up and talked with her and the little ones for a little bit.

S5 was very sad and wanted to come with me....he is becoming so attached to me lately.
I told him he would have a good time with mom today and that he will be staying with me on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday this week.
He was still sad but ok.

I just don't see where anything I'm doing is making a differance with her.
I guess I just keep reading other threads here and seeing where the other ww's out there are at least questioning themselves from time to time.
I just wish she would give me a crumb once and a while.

Oh well, she is doing better these days with the kids, I think and she never calls and says that she is "overloaded" like she used to.

Should I just keep on keepin on or should I be doing something differant.

I will see her tonight to go to D8's parent teacher meeting and then to the other school for S12's meeting.

What more can I do? Just keep waiting it out?

Guess (like my name says) I'm feeling a little lost today.

Yeah, I know I can make it without her but I choose to be with her.


Pep talks appreciated.

JS

Little afternoon <bump> here.

Forgot to mention.....Sunday I mowed my lawn, edged the sidewalks and put up Halloween decorations.
Yeaaaaaahhhh.

Kids will be pleasantly suprized when they come over tonight.
Skeleton haniging out front, window clings all over the windows, skeleton hanging on the front door, black light bulbs in the outside lights, Halloween garland in the entrance to the kitchen, couple of tombstones in the front yard. LOL

My neighbor put up 2 of those big blow up decorations.....one is a giant pumpkin with a witch sticking out...looks like she flew into it and her legs move up and down. Also another big clear blowup that has a cat inside with little bats flying around inside.

We were all cracking up laughing last night when we were putting it all up.

WW used to do all of this stuff in the past, but now its my turn to have fun.
I felt so proud of myself for decorating for the holliday.

Jeff

Jeff,

I am in NO WAY an expert here but I too asked some of the same questions in the begining.

During my plan A I got no crumbs what so ever. It was awful. Then one day when I didn't expect it.
There was a crumb and I held on to that crumb for days....then there was another.

I can just repeat what was said to me.
Be true to yourself. Do the things that make you smile, like the decorating etc. and maybe you will one day find a smile or touch that seems strangely familiar.

Hold on friend, you can do it!

Blind

Thank you Blind for the kind words....they do come at a good time for me.
I will start your story tomorrow. I'm very glad you have a link to it as I'm very interested in hearing more stories here like yours.

By the way Blind.....

In my opinion....if you've been down the road that I am now traveling, then you may be more of an expert than you give yourself credit for.
I can't wait to read your story.
You now know what works and what don't.
Your post is very important to me and I hope to be able to ask you questions as I travel down this "hilly" road.
Thank you Blindsided06.

This morning I thought I saw ww's van come through my parking lot at work..(people sometimes cut through from one street to the other) Sure enough the kids told me that om was at ww's house last night to help them put together a "bunk bed" for them.
They said he didn't spend the night but he did use ww's van because his van "might run out of gas".
At first I kind of laughed because they were telling me all of this stuff.
Later it kind of made me mad and I didn't know if I should mention this to ww or not.

WW and I were supposed to go to D8's and S12's teacher conferences tonight but S12 hurt his wrist at the skate park today so I went to conferences while ww took S12 to the clinic.
He was fine by the way.
WW called me on my cell after D12's conference and said her and S12 were waiting for the doctor to come in and wanted to know how the conference went.

She got interupted a few times while we were talking and I did say to her "I saw your van come through my parking lot this morning and was ready to go out and see what you wanted and then realized "someone" else was driving it."
I said it in a laughing kind of voice (not mad or anything)

She acted as if she was being interupted by someone at the clinic and said "ummm yeah....(kind of embarassed) I got to go" and hung up.

When I got home from the conferences she was getting home right behind me and we talked for about a half hour about kids school and the doctor visit.
She never mentioned anything about my earlier statement.

I thought maybe it was a good time to say that I felt hurt by what happened that morning but thought I would run it by you guys first.

It was hard for me to not bring it up again but I think she might have been a little embarassed that it happened.

BUSTED!!!!!!!!! LOL
Oh well, I kind of feel as if I did the right thing by not making a big deal out of it.

What would you guys have done?

Thanks all
JSlost

Jeff, don't take this wrong but .... Why do you care if someone else was driving your W's van? And why is it a big deal if that person drove through your lot. You knew who it was and you know that people use it as a side street. So what? What did you think to accomplish by mentioning it to your W?

You know she's seeing OM. She knows you know she's seeing the OM. It's probable that he might use her vehicle. What is it you were fishing for?????

Now it isn't the end of the world but I would suggest you figure out why you needed to mention something to her. Of course you're hurt. But she's seeing OM and that's already been established. You're hurt because she's seeing him not because he drove through your lot. The fact you seen him, driving your W's van, in your parking lot isn't really anything new ... is it?

She knows you're hurting. What you need to do is prove to her that you are surviving despite this hurt. That you are making attempts to move on. Holding on to your hurt and then displaying it to her ("I saw someone driving your van") isn't going to help you or the situation.

Realize your hurt. Find healthy ways to deal with the pain outside of sharing your pain with your W. That only looks needy, clingy. That's not attractive.

I understand you want to shake things up. But let's find different ways to do that. What have you found out about Mr. Scumbag? If you find some goodies on him then you've got something to use to shake things up.

For instance, if he has a criminal record for let's say drug possession. Then when you see him driving a van that is in someway affiliated with you (title, auto insurance, etc.) then you approach your W about a boundary.

"I do not want Frank driving that vehicle. So long as my name is on the title and my name is on the insurance policy I want no part of a criminal driving that vehicle. I hope I make myself clear."

And you need to protect your kids.

"I'm uncomfortable with my kids being in the presence of a person with a criminal record. You may date whomever you like but these are my kids and I'm going to do everything in my power to protect them from your poor choices. He's a criminal and I do not want my children to have contact with him."

Jeff make sure you get more advice from the experienced posters once you find out the goods on this guy OK? I'm not sure I stated the boundary regarding your children correctly.

In the meantime get back to taking care of you and them kids. Keep doing those things that make you and them happy.

Good Morning Mya,

I wanted her to know that I saw him. This is not a route that would make scense for him to take unless he was trying to flaunt it in front of me.
She is very carefull not to let anyone know that he is around as much as he is.
Sunday ww had a bowling benefit for a coworker and she hasn't ever brought him around any of her coworkers and he didn't go to that either.
He's not the kind of guy she would want to show off to anybody except her scummy friends.

I really just wanted to make her squirm a little. She's never tried to do anything to hurt me directly like flaunt him in my face.

I think there might be a little lovebusting going on over there. LOL

Because of past dynamics, I don't think she would approve of him doing this and if I didn't notice it then no confrontation between them but because I mentioned it (in a non threatening way) she most likely would have been a little po'd at him.....Lovebuster???

I guess I gave you the impression that it hurt me but it didn't really hurt.
Let me explain.......I keep hereing on here that part of plan A is to show your feelings only.
Like I hurt or I feel disrespected....I thought this would be a way to do that because I haven't really had the chance to do that up untill now.
She didn't think I was hurt by it because I wasn't and I was calm and kind of laughing about it.....I was just letting her know about it because it's not the kind of thing she would want him to do.

He might have told her he did it and she would be mad at him and if I never said anything she would think that I maybe didn't see him.
He might have gotten a laugh out of the fact that I saw him but I know she wouldn't find it amusing.

She doesn't want to do anything hurtfull to me....thats why she never has said anything about him....almost as if he doesn't exsist in her life.
You know....the old I can do this on my own thing.
Look....I see what your saying here Mya but I really think it caused a conflict between them.

She would have never told him to do that and she was probably mad about it and I think he may be becoming a little insecure...Of course, this is just speculation but thats all I got.
WW and I go to S12's football games, conferences etc. and the only place she takes him is to the bars.LOL

She doesnt take him to any work functions, she doesnt have him around when the kids are staying there except for a short time once in a while and I'll bet he doesn't like to have to still hide all of the time.

I don't have "jack$hit" on him right now. Don't care much anymore but am still trying to get more info....it just looks like they are not together as much as they were before and she seams to be making better choices for the kids.

Hey Mya, I appreciate your kind words and your concern for me but I'm doing so good now and I'm really not hurting very much anymore. I even started listening to the radio again.

Someone posted a long time ago that you should not listen to the radio (songs) because it would always remind you of (her) so I stopped because it did hurt a little.
I just now started listening again and I don't think about her at all.....well mostly, but it doesn't bother me like it used to.

Got to go buddy..
Jeff

Good enough Jeff.

I just think it is a little presumptious of you to think that he cruised the lot looking for you. You know your sich so obviously you had to make that call.

You based your communication to your W on an assumption.

Is it your W was embarassed and so now there may be a LB between them or is that she was a little irked at you for having to bring it up. Do you see where it could/may have come acrossed the wrong way? Just be careful. Sometimes saying nothing is best.

I hope your right when you suggest you're starting to see some trends. I think playing the scumbag card is going to help you. You're the lighthouse and he's the septic tank. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Good to hear you're doing well.
Take care buddy.

IMO, Jeff, the way you approached it was fine. I found that ANYTHING I could do in a very subtle way to create discontent between FWW and OM was very much to my advantage. Nothing prevoked or instigated by me, mind you, but when an opportunity arose, I used it to the fullest extent.

For example, I remember back in early March that I had the kids and FWW and I were communicating really well, but I knew OM was at her place. I had to call her and ask her about something dealing with the kids. So I just continued to talk and listen to her, and before you knew it, we'd been on the phone for 45 minutes!!! (I'm sure with her outside or in the other room!) That (I found out later) really pissed him off and lovebuster's flew.....FWW was defending ME!!!!) Then a few days later, FWW's car died and I asked her if I could go with her to pick out her new car to check for the safety features in it for the kids. (Again, completely legitimate reason, with a nice benefitial side effect! OM found out, and it ruined a "night" they were supposed to have out....and instead, FWW, the kids and I, went to Ponderosa to celebrate the new car!!!!! OM called while there and found out I was with her......he BLEW UP! And that, was the true beginning of the end for that relationship.

Your timeline may not be the same.....but it certainly and most likely will happen with your WW and OM, and you just have to be ready with a plan!! Remember, these relationships have NO FOUNDATION!! They are built on the most fragile of reasons, lies, deception, and shame. Give it time, my friend.

Keep going!!
MWIL

Heres a photo of the kids and I.

Kids and I

That's a lovely looking family you've got there (short one person of course).

Look at you with your full head of hair (us folically challenged people are envious). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I'd post a picture for you to see but my W has stated she isn't comfortable putting pictures out on a public site for display. So I have to reject her wishes.

Mya....You've got mail.
J

Divorce papers arrived this evening. Had no idea, none whatsoever.
She wants sole custody of our kids, sell my house and split the assets, me pay insurance for her and the kids, me pay daycare, me pay child support.etc.etc.
You get the picture.

She is sighting mental cruelty and irreconsilable differences.
She stated I suffer from depression and theres an injunction about not talking to the kids about seperation, divorce etc.

I'm not going to post anymore right now. Need to get the kids bathed and then try to sleep.

Got to call my lawyer tomorrow morning and get the papers to him.
Don't know anything about all of this and I guess I'm scared.
We'll see what my lawyer says tomorrow and maybe I'll post more when I get more info.

She filed 9/29/06 and I have to answer to the judge on 10/10/06

Please keep me in your prayers.
Thank You.

I am very sorry.

Don't fret about the filings contents...it's her opening salvo.

Hire a pitbull and take her on...with extreme prejudice.

[edited to ADD --- YOU HAVE EMAIL FROM ME]

Consider Plan B, not today, but in the near future.

email me if you have legal questions...though I am a tax attorney and not a divorce attorney, I may be of some assistance with strategy and MB is too public a place to post specifics. Your wife may read it.

Get some sleep. You are going to need your energy. Let tomorrow take care of itself.

Mr. Wondering

(*sighs*)

I am truly sorry to hear this.

I'm also sorry to see she's taking the low road on separating. Looks like she's going to try for everything, I suppose, in hopes to get something.

I don't know much about the laws in Illinois so I'm not sure if her affair will be used against her. Good luck with the lawyer today.

And yep I'm sure a Plan B is definitely in order. More importantly maintain minimal contact with her. She's probably trying to fill her Divorce basket with goodies so give her nothing to use against you.

Again I'm really sorry to hear this. I certainly wished for different things for you.

Try to take care of yourself. Hug those kids.

You've got my addy if you need it.

Mr.W and Myalias.
Only got a minute here...Busy, busy, busy at work...Thats good huh?
Keeps my mind going. In what direction, I'm not sure yet.
Mr. W. Got your E-mail.....Can't wipe the smile off my face yet. Enough said?

I'll try and keep everybody updated.

I still have hope because of you guys here, but man, after getting served and reading the contents just goes to show how messed up she is and kind of squashes any hope.

But I won't give up yet!

Would have been nice to settle things better than this but "Oh well" My lawyer handles things for my brother and does work for my mom and dad and he's very good.
I'll put it in his hands and continue as I have from the start of all of this.

My mom called this morning and said "Have him (my lawyer) send the bills to me"(mom and dad)

Starting to feel better already.....I'll just wait and see what the lawyer says about these papers.

Love you guys ((((((((((((((MB))))))))))))))

Jeff