I have been married for 22 years and my youngest child belongs to OM. She is now 18 and has recently gotten married and is attending school. She also has a 2 month old infant daughter. <P>The OM has never been a part of her life and though my husband knows about him, my daughter does not. The OM is my husband's uncle. The OM would not have spit on my daughter had she been on fire while she was younger. He was far too afraid of having to pay child support. (which I never, ever asked of him) Anyway, he conveniently waited until she was married and then decided he wants to be a part of her life. His grown children also want to be a part of her life, but in my opinion that is only because they belong to some sick little cultic religion and they see her as a potential convert. The idea of them being in her life on any level makes me sick to my stomach. <P>While I do agree that she has every right to know the truth about her bio dad, I would like to tell her on my timetable. Is there anything I can legally do to this dirtball OM? Can I possibly sue him for retroactive child support? I understand some states do allow this up until the child is 19? Any other ideas? I just want him to leave my daugher alone! Lisa<P>

I'm facing a similar situation although I guess I would represent your H. My wife (we're seperated) is pregenant by OM, she has mentioned reconciliation but we're not there yet. Anyway she said that she's afraid that the OM might one day appear and try to claim some sort of fatherhood. To me this sounds like scum. How could one go for so many years and then all of a sudden say Hey I'm your real father. forget the man whom you've called dad, the man that's cared for you when you've been sick, the man who has helped your mother raise you while I've cowered in the corner. Forget him and love me. DISGUST!!! I can not say how I would deal with the situation as it has not arose yet. But I do feel for you. If he is any kind of man he will see that this can only be detrimental to her and drop out of the picture before he gets in it. If that does work then I know this guy for fifty bucks...

Paul: This is the major part of what makes me so sick. My husband has always been there for her. He would do anything for her and he absolutely adores her child. What gives this dirtball any right to walk into her life now? I dispise him beyond belief! My husband is the one who will be hurt more than any other person by all of this, and it breaks my heart. He's been through so much already and now this. Of course my daugher will be hurt also and I pray she will have the guts to tell the OM what a piece of s*%t he is! Do you have other children? I hope that you and your wife can find the way to reconciliation Paul. I'm so very thankful my husband and I did, although I continue to pay everyday for what I did. Lisa

I do have other kids as a matter of fact. I also note that you are from the same area that I am from and your story sounds familiar. Hmmm...

Paul thanks for reminding me to remove some of the things in my profile and for the little mini heart attack! Lisa

HeHe...you're welcome. I do not worry about what is in my profile, I am beyond hiding from anything and as a good friend told me...my life is an open book before God.

Lisa,<P>I have never been in your situation and with any luck I never will be in one even remotely like it. Yet it crossed my mind that there might be away to do what you need to do and make it a positive thing (or as positive as such a thing can be). <P>Please realize I don't know anything about you relationship with your H. Is your marriage what you want now? You indicated that your D and he are close. Are they real close? How threatened by this do you think he will be? Is your relationship with your D close? Is she close with your H? Do you both you and H approve of her H? Is this a marriage you would like to see continued? <P>Another is there more background you can comfortably share?<P>Let us say that for the sake of discussion, that most of the answers to the questions listed and probably more, is yes. Then perhaps a way to approach this would be as follows.<P>Involve your H in this process and perhaps D's H. It seems to me if you and your H invited D and her H stay over night. Sit down with them and explain to the best of your ability not only that she is not H's bio daughter but also what it took for you and your H to be there talking to them. Let your H explain his feeling towards her, her H, and her new baby. Tell them why you are telling them now. The idea of involving your D's H would be so that he could support her and better understand her response. He won't be left guessing why his W suddenly is very bothered and afraid to tell him from possible embarrasement.<P>What is am suggesting is that this is an OPPORTUNITY to not only tell her something she needs to know now that she is a mother, but to explain to both of them about marriage and that the tough times that will surely come and be overcome. You and your H are living testament to this.<P>I am presumming that your love of your H is very strong and strongly suspect that his must have been and still is for you given the circumstances. Do your other children know about this? In fact you indicated that the OM's children seem to know about your D. This is a very complicated situation. <P>I hope that this idea while maybe impractical depending on the answers to the above questions will give you something to consider during you decision process. By the way what does your H think.<P>Good luck and God Bless you and your family.

I like that approach Just Learning

Just Learning: My husband and I have a great relationship. I just pray after the storm that lays ahead that we can still say that. My daughter's husband is a pretty good guy and yes my husband and I both like him. At first I thought telling her with him present would be good, but then after further thought I feel that she needs the opportunity to decide whether she wants to tell it, that I should not make that decision for her. She adores my husband, and has no reason not to think he's not her bio dad. I'm praying that the only thing that may keep her away from OM after this, is love and respect for the only man she's ever known as a father. As you can imagine, my husband dispises the OM. <P>No one in my family other than my husband and brother know anything about this. My other children have no idea. I have always been very embarassed and ashamed of the whole situation. Just the fact that the OM goes around talking about it as if it were nothing says plenty about his character. <P>The OM lives in our state but we're five hours away. Thank God for that. <P>Thanks for your suggestions. I do plan on telling her in the next few weeks. <P>Paul: I really like that, "my life is an open book before God"! I know when I come to the point in my life that I can say, "yes, I did this, this is who I am", to everyone in my life, that I will have come a very long way indeed. Lisa

I could not say that 4 weeks ago. Keep reading and asking questions. Read others posts even if you do not have anything to say. Who knows something maybe said that will give you another step up the ladder. My pastor said Sunday... when you feel like you're safe and secure reach a for another rung on the ladder, but I'll tell you this, the higher up on the ladder you go the harder the wind blows.

Lisa,<P>Sorry I could not be of much help. One of the most frustrating things these days is that kids at 18 are now considered adults and you cannot protect them. Schools don't even have to send grades to the parents, even if you pay the tuition to college. It would really be helpful if you still protect them until they are 21, AH the good old days.<P>I sure hope that this situation does not cause a problem between you and your H or your daughter. I suspect that your H having been through all of this will not view this as something you could have prevented, hence your relationship will remain strong. I can sure understand his feeling about the uncle. I suspect that you daughter will handle it well after the initial shock. She has plenty of men in her life now and doesn't need an additional one now. Not with new baby to take care of.<P>My only advise keep your H in the information loop as much as you can. Keep us posted. If or once the uncle gets into this please post there are very krafty people on this board, they may have good ideas.<P>Again Good Luck and God Bless You and your family.<P>P.S.<P>One last thought. You made a mistake once, but you and your H turned into a blessing ( a young lady that you both love and adore). You really do not have to apologize or hide. You have been blessed and you have perservered (sp) both are things to very proud of. It has been a long time.