Hi
I just found out a month ago my wife of 5 years had an PA & EA... I can not seem to get over this or move on from it, she is my first love, & we have been together since high school, we are in our 30s & have no children, We have always been a very close couple except for this I have no clue what made her do this, & she cant seem to give me a reason.. She always says she dont know, I can tell she is remorsefull & regrets it she doesnt leave the hous anymore even & Says she dont know why except she has no desire to go anywhere anymore she always wants to be close to me & right with me.. I like this but at the same time it scares the ****** out of me.. I Have not been able to have sex with her since I found out everytime we try I think about her being with him & I get grossed out & tell her to get away from me, I know it hurts her to hear me say it but I can not help how I feel, I am so hurt & disguted by her & I dont think I can move on from here, is it easier to get a divorce or is it easier to work on things.. I love this girl more than life itself, I just have no clue how to work on this Becasue honeslty right now I can not stand the sight of her she is not the same person I married [color:"blue"] [/color]

Welcome to marriagebuilders.

You asked a good question. Actually, I think it is easier to get a divorce.

Do you want to do the easy thing, or do you want to have a better relationship than before?

What you are going through is very natural under the circumstances, and most men react in a similar way.

Hi Tony - welcome.

I suggest you read around the info on this site and order the very good book, Surviving An Affair.

You guys can recover from this.

Assuming this is sincere, there are guys here who would cut off their favorite appendage to hear this much.

I'm not suggesting this is easy, just that you're WAY ahead of others - again, assuming she is sincere.

Please examine your prior marital behavior and see if you can identify what bad juju you brought to the marriage. This is stuff you have control over. Fix it. Put some energy into fixing the marriage instead of expecting HER to need all the fixes. This is very likely a two way street.

Don't be in a hurry. It took a long time to have this problem - fixing it won't come right away.

Most important - print out this post and show it to your wife. I bet she's having as much anxiety as you are. Encourage her to read here and learn. If you're not careful, you'll both benefit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Counseling is a must. Ya gotta find a counselor qualified to help you both recover - and to find a cure for the marriage disease. Her affair was just a symptom of the disease - the fever of the virus.

You can make a better marriage than either of you have imagined. Believe it. Read, learn, ask questions, and have patience.

Firsat step - no contact with her affair partner. Period. None, nada, zip, zilch, zero. This is vital.

One month is a very difficult time. I think it was about a full two months of disgust before I started looking at things differently. Is it easier to get a divorce? Absolutely. Why would you divorce someone you love so much? If you are willing to work and put out your best effort, you can have an even better marriage. It is a lot of hard work. My opinion is that you can get divorced any time. No need to rush. Your feelings will change. You are not alone. Many have been there including me. I just celebrated my one year Dday anniversary and am only now beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel. On the other hand, my WW was not remorseful and continued her affair for many months after I found out about it.

I am sorry you had to join this club but please give yourself time to let things settle down. You have a lot to deal with on your own. You need to study up on the 5 stages of grief. Read the book His Needs Her Needs. Start to look into what may have been wrong about the marriage that caused your wife to decide that having an affair was a good decision. You are not to blame for her affair. Don't ever let yourself believe you were.

If you are willing to work hard, suffer, cry, hurt then yes I believe trying to save your marriage is worth the effort. JMO.

WELL WELCOME TO THE CLUB AND IM SORRY YOUR HERE. Read all you can and then decided what you are going to do. And let me tell you, love has nothing to do with it. It still hurts the same years later.

She has had no contact with om at all since I found out, he was not married but in a realtionship, I did not ask about the affair she just came out & told me one day, She did write the no contact letter to him & I was there when she delivered it along with my if you ever come near my wife agian I will kill you speach (yes I know a little over board).. She is sincere with the being near me & wanting to do everything with me.. When I tell her to get away from me she cries & I start to feel bad but then think to myself you did this to yourself not the other way around, she has said during arguments that I dont respect her, or i never make time for her, but after she has cooled down she says she didnt mean it..I can not help but to throw this(the affair) in her face everyday when she tries to cuddle with me, or kiss me or any of the other fun stuff, She says I am never going to get over it, I asked for details & she wrote me a letter telling me everything, I know I asked but she went into great detail & told me not to read it while she was around, I still have the letter & everyonce in a while I go read it again, Should I throw it away??? I know I am jut rambling on SORRY for that, I am just so ugh, I just dont want to hurt her anymore but I dont know how to not hurt her when she has hurt me so much more than I ould ever hurt her

Try to avoid the arguments with her. You are riding the rollercoaster. I know the pain is fresh. At one month I could sit and stare at a wall for 8 hours. I would start to think I could learn to accept it and then some random thought would turn me into a wild man.

Do you know why the affair ended?

Tony welcome, I am not expert but she did have an affair, there was reason's for it, she saying she doesn't know doesn't mesh people know why they do things. It could be simple boredom, it could be EN's not being meet.

You both need counsiling, IC and MC.

It will take time but if you both are radically honest you can make it

Put the letter away. Reading it once should be enough.

You must get control, and stop throwing the affair in her face. Instead, the two of you need to figure out why it happened, and work on that.

If you feel like venting, come here and write it all out. We understand.

We know it hurts.

You are justified in hurting.

Do you want to get beyond this or do you want to rub her nose in it?

Then don't tell her that.

You have to "help" it. Swallow your pride. Yes, as I said, you are justified in being hurt. Come here and rant and rave and yell. We understand. We've been there. It doesn't help to aim this at her. She knows it.


No, you should burn it - and allow her to light the match. Make this a symbol of destroying your old marriage and starting a new one over.

Her telling you everything is a gift from her. It clears the air. Take it as her disclosure and cleansing. I guarantee it hurt her to write it. This is not a contest of who hurt who the most. Stop the hurting and start the healing.

WAT

She said the affair ended becasue she didnt like hurting me, I told her I would have rather not known, but she has never been able to hide anything from me, so she said she had to tell me, from what she said it lasted about 2 weeks only having sex 2 times, said it was more of an EA than Pa, because they talked all the time.I know I need to show her more attention, etc.... she has takled about it with me from time to time & always answers all my questions about it VERY HONESTLY sometimes to much so ... I dont think I will ever be able to trust her again, & the clinging to me is really starting to get onh my nerves I wish she would get out of the house to atleast do something, she quit her job & wont even go to the store anymore something she used to love to do LOL like I am sure all women do, but when she has tried leaving I start an argument with her, & then she changed her mind.. that was 1 week after she told me & she has not tried leaving since then, she even calls me at work every hour on the hour just to let me know that she is thinking about me & loves me.. I have not even told her I lvoed her snce she told me, I have told her I hated her but I didnt mean it at all... I really do LOVE this women with everything in me she is my world I want this to work becasue I can not imagine my life with out her, she is a great person to everyone all except this one lil screqw up that will haunt me the rest of my life

I don't believe it will haunt you the rest of your life. Don't worry about trusting her right now. Leave trust to the very end. You have far more important issues to work on right now.

I find it a bit odd that your wife seems afraid to be away from you. It is one thing to be willing to remain under your watchful eye to help you regain trust but what you describe is fear. Why is she afraid? It almost sounds like she doesn't trust herself. She is afraid of freedom because she might make a bad choice. BTW experts say trust takes maybe five years. I love my WW but I don't trust her any further than I can throw her.

Okay. Do you know how the A started?

tony, sorry you are here.

believer is right... as much as it is hard to do, lock the letter away in a place where you cannot get to it easily. Some anger and other strong emotions is healthy and good... you need to release it. But to keep reading it just focuses your emotions on the negative and brings you further away from recovery.

Start to look for some good things in your relationship and about your W. See if you can focus on some positive things to give a foundation for recovery.

Stop throwing the A in her face. This does not mean that you condone it, that you don't have a right to be angry, or that you need to cover up your feelings. But there are several goals here... one for you to recover on your own, and the second to see if your M can recover. For your M to recover, you need to build an atmosphere of safety for both of you to communicate. Throwing it in her face might cause her to be afraid to tell you the truth.

She says she doesn't know why. She may or may not. She might not have been courageous enough yet to really search. Or, she might only have thought of "blaming" reasons and does not want to hurt you further. Either way, she has to get to counselling to look deeper at her own weaknesses that have caused this to happen. You also need to look at yourself to see what part you played in the relationship getting to a place where this can happen. Possibly you didn't play any part... A's can happen in good relationships... but I'm sure there are things you can learn through this.

I was a giver... but I've also learned alot about myself and am still learning over a year past Dday.

It is painful. It will also be painful for your W as she discovers some things about herself she doesn't like. In the end, it is my opinion that the WS hurts themselves more (although differently) than they hurt the BS. It doesn't feel like it right now and won't for a while... but you can get past this.

Have patience. Be the best H you can be... someone who is a rock while their W is floundering. Down the road you can be proud of how you dealt with this crisis and your W will love you more for it.

Patience.

Shaden

Then let her know this. Tell her you love her. This is not a weakness. Even though she has hurt you, let her know that you love her. You can tell her how much you are hurting, but also tell her how much you want to get past this. She needs to know that it will be hard, but she also needs to know that you are a safe place in her life.

frmo what he had told me & there stories are pretty much the same, he started it.. She accepted dinner movie his house,, I believe her but I dont I know that dont make sense, but I do believe that part, I told her parents about the A.. Her mom blames me saying I was never there enough, her dad says he is staying out of it.. My sisters tell me I wasnt there enough, my mom said shes a hoe sorry but that is what she said & she knows that my parents no longer lik her, I kow I worked alot, went out alot etc...
But this to me is not a reason to cheat.. Maybe I am wrong, but I do not see this is a reason at all.. She has alwyas been very happy & very proud of herelf, we were supopsed to try for children this year & she doesnt even want to do that. I cant blame her for that we kinda have to have sex to do that & I cant even think aboutkissing her. I know she feels bad, but I do not feel bad for the way I have been treating her she deserves it.. UGH I AM SO PO HURT ANGRY etc... SORRY

This is probably a tough one to give advice on because everyone is different. But I'll tell you my experience.

When my FWW was able to have sex with me at times it was very difficult... I would be thinking of her with OM throughout. But I also said to myself that I was not going to allow this very emotional, personal act of intimacy be ruined for the future. If I threw her away from me, it would always be something that was there between us. I dealt with the thoughts privately and now they are not there when we are physically intimate. I didn't let the thoughts control me.

This might be completely opposite from other thinking here. They might tell you not to have any sex until you are clearly ready. I'm just giving my feelings on this one.

Shaden

Yes there was never a reason for her to cheat. Are you willing to change those things that led to her cheating? If you are angry, vent it here. Leave your WW in peace. Be a loving husband. If you don't want to kiss her, don't. Tell her you are hurting and need time. Can she hug you? As much as I hurt during those months, I appreciated every gesture WW made.

There is NO EXCUSE to cheat. Nothing you did or didn't do caused it. But people do make mistakes. Your wife sounds a lot more remorseful than 99.9% of the wayward women we see here.

It is good that you told your family - your mom loves you and will be angry for a while, but if you love your wife, you can overcome that.

You need to keep talking and venting here. We know how horrible it feels to be betrayed.

You are right. There is NO reason for an A.

You not being there enough is something that might need to be fixed... but this is something the two of you need to communicate together... not for her to have an A.

Unfortuneately, however, sometimes it takes an A for both people to wake up, realize that communication is so important, and to stop being afraid of talking and confronting. This was the case in my sich. We were both conflict avoiders and afraid to hurt each other. We didn't listen. She escaped with an A. No excuse... but still something to learn from.

The opinions of the family should not affect how you recover, and they will probably change in time. What they want mostly is for the two of you to work things out.

Shaden

thank you guys for letting me vent I am goingto bed for the night I am sure I will have more to talk about tommorow she is already asleep on the couch just might go kiss her on the forehead just a though though dont know if I can really do it or not NIGHT ALL