I haven't been here in years...hoping some of the old faces are still around......or maybe not...that they healed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well....she had her third affair, filed for divorce and married a guy in her office. She has my son most of the time....I am living with my mother at 38, still trying to recover financially.

I've dated two girls....both in their twenties.....

INSANE

I can't seem to get over the internal anger. How long should we blame ourselves for their adultery? How MUCH should we take blame? I was a great husband, no affairs, went into debt, she was diagnosed with BPD....on and on.

I can't seem to recover to have a healthy relationship............HELP

Man oh man, I truly feel for you Dazed...You have my complete sympathy.

Have you joined a recovery group? This is a very important step. Stick with one until you get to the other side too.

Read the following book: "Crazy Times: Surviving Divorce & Building a New Life" by Abigail Trafford

Stay here for support!! We all need each other here.

I'll include you in my prayers,
High Flight

I remember reading something on the MB forums years ago. It was a lady who wrote it, but it applies to all of us. She said something like:

"One day, I decided I had spent enough time paying for his sins."

How much time are you going to spend paying for her sins?

I can't seem to shake the internal anger either, 2 years later. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to offer, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in having difficulty in recovering/moving on. My only guess is that since we're still healing, because we were hurt so badly, perhaps we aren't attracting anyone of substance?

Jen:)

Tough stuff, no doubt.

You'll probably get responses from others who are in the same sitch as you, myself included.

I'm 2 years into this, but still not divorced. Moved out about 20 months ago. I've wondered how much my feelings are a result of the trauma continuing. But I really don't think so. What I really think is this: I've become jaded towards men and relationships. I really hate to say it... I so try to put a positive slant on things... but that would be a cop out. Faking my feelings again.

Fact is, I'm not willing to lose myself again, not willing to lose all my assets either, not willing to risk finding out I've made yet another bad choice in men, afraid to find out all men are like my STBX. If I don't try again, I can hold out hope that somewhere there are men who aren't like him. But if I try, and find only more men like him, then I'll never change my thinking. Since I no longer trust my judgement in men it's a high likelihood I'll pick more of the same kind of men. And it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Them's the facts. This is the real deal - what's truly going on inside of me, and no amount of trying to paint it pretty will change the fact I've become a cynic.

Obviously I'm not recovering. But, I'm no longer sure I care. I have a great bunch of friends. I LOVE living alone. I do what I want to do, trying to make up for lost time, I have lots of things I want to do, places to go, etc.

My advice? Try to recover as a person, not in terms of relationship recovery. Just find yourself, find a life that will make you feel good about yourself. The rest may either follow, or maybe you'll find out it doesn't matter.

Deja Vu said
I second this advice! I've had longer to deal with this than you have - check my timeline, but time alone doesn't heal us. I began dating too soon after I ended contact with XH and before my divorce was final. It helped in some ways - first with self-esteem and second with recognizing that all men aren't abusive like my XH. But, it was the year I spent after it ended, doing what DV describes, that I really regained myself, let go of XH and my anger at him, and finally moved on. I did this with the help of this site and others like it, counselling, and in my case, Al-Anon.

I'd vowed to myself not to date again until my divorce was final and I didn't, but, I did sign up for a dating service soon afterwards, dated one guy, then met someone by chance who I've been seeing ever since. So far, it's been wonderful. He, too, suffered from his XW's infidelity after a long marriage and then had one failed relationship. Both of us bear the scars of our pasts, but hopefully have learned a few things, too.

Healing almost always takes more time than we want it to and it requires letting go of the anger, whether that seems fair and/or reasonable or not. Join a recovery group, read a book, go to counselling, work on making a life for yourself, whatever it takes. We and we alone are responsible for our own happiness.