Some of you may know me. I've posted here throughout 2006 trying to save my marriage. My wife walked out in Feb. because she said she felt alone and said she "checked out" on me. I know I made the mistakes of taking her for granted, not showing enough affection and doing things with her. I owned up to all of this, but she still never came back.

Since then, she has lived at her parents and we will be officially divorced within days now. We have always been nice and respectful to each other during all of this. I did find out she was at least getting emotionally involved with her old high school bf who has always been friends with her and her family.

Anyway, I will get to my point. Basically, I put out a TON of effort, patience and love to my wife and was willing to do anything to save our M...but still I failed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

She still says in emails that she will always love me or loves me, and asks about my life now. I'm in an apartment and we just sold our house...she is living with her parents. Her lifestyle is heavy on drinking and socializing...mine wasn't, and I think that is why things didn't work out. She is such a great person with such a great heart, I can't imagine finding someone who can be that again.

I just feel like I failed, like there is something about me that is not good enough for her to even try with me, I'm lacking, or something.

Makes me feel horrible. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm sure this is normal, but I just can't wrap my mind around "why" she didn't want to stick it out with me.

Thanks for listening.

Hey buddy,

Sorry to hear you're in this mess. It is really tough when someone you put so much faith in turns their back on you. I know, it's devastating and makes no sense. But that's just it, quit trying to understand your wife. Quit today. Make it your choice to not live in her mindset.

Your worth doesn't come from your wife, she doesn't have the power to bestow worth on anyone else. Your worth comes from God only. And this is the truth, God gives you your worth and this is not a feel good message, this is the truth.

My advice to you is to seek Christ Jesus with all of your heart, today. We're talking about the long haul here. Your wife DOES NOT SET THE RULES! She is living in a fantasy world which knows nothing of honor, or loyalty or love. Love is shown by actions, and walking out on a husband is not love.

Sorry to break it to you, but the sooner you realize this the better off YOU will be.

It's tough to understand how and why Jesus is the real answer to this problem, but He is.

You can "own up" to every single thing you ever did in your marriage and it won't matter to your wife right now. She is interested in being immature and senseless. You on the other hand must begin to see that your future is in front of you. The sun also rises, my friend.

Your worth doesn't come from your wife. A woman can never make us men, men. She will never complete you. She is only someone you can share life with, but she is not asking you to share it with her. Instead she is tossing out the "love" word trying to make herself feel good about herself. Maybe she has some lingering appreciation for you, whatever it may be it's not love.

This is my take on this, Paul. I don't know your whole story and I'm just laying it out there as I see fit. You aren't worth any more or any less as a person REGARDLESS of what your wife does. You are worthy because God says you are. Get that tattooed on your brain. God sent Christ to die for each of us individually. Stop looking at yourself through your wife's eyes, or even your own eyes, look at yourself through God's eyes. God sees you with infinite value, that's why He gave you a soul.

This is not about today's circumstances, this is about whether you will come to God with this or not.

I'm not some religious crackpot just making this up to make myself feel better. I'm telling you man, from experience and it's a day to day thing here, seek Christ first before all other things and you will notice the difference.

Peace my man. Stay strong with the Lord.

Wow!

What Corinth13 said...

HL

I agree with you Corinth13, it is just so hard to surrender and trust in God and feel worthy. Rejection is what I feel the most right now. I just don't see how my soon to be ex could let go someone who loves her for her, has been loyal, faithful, kind, and is mature. It is just so hard to understand why God is allowing this to happen...so trusting him is the hardest thing right now. I just miss my wife dearly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I continue to pray for strength and understanding, and also to replace my fear and worry with faith and hope.

I just feel so lost right now...

OK, this may be just a tad too deep, BUT here's my take (female) on it.

Don't know why your W left you but how you feel is based on how you see yourself which in turn is reflected on how people, your wife icluded, see you. Simply put, if you feel unworthy, it will come across to others. Accept that there is some transparency in all of us.

Live your life for YOU, not your W or others. This way you cannot look back with regrets. This is what you are doing. You are doing a lot of should've, could've, would've, but didn't. Start looking at this ONE failed M as one of your life's lesson. Rest assured, you will have more. Learn from it so that you won't repeat the same mistakes.

Take time to heal, however long it will take for you to process. But as long as you see yourself as being "unworthy" what woman is going to want to establish a relationship with you? Think about it. So, you've got 2 choices:

1) Remain where you are mentally and emotionally, or
2) Make some changes and move on.

There are no BUTs here.

CHOOSE ONE.

Wow Stargazelily, you get right to the point and I appreciate your honesty. You are right, right now I do feel low and unworthy, and I'm sure it does come across that way. I just think it comes with the territory of newly divorced.

I guess the good things that have come out of all of this, is that I've realized what I could have done better and what mistakes I won't make next time around, how socially inactive I am in life, and how I need to become independent and happy with myself first and foremost.

My changes are:

*I work out of my apartment online and it is very isolating. I'm thinking of getting a part-time job or something to work into my schedule to get me around people. I need social interaction badly...no wonder I have anxiety, lack of confidence and interaction with people.

*Exercise. I joined a gym and am starting to work out. I'm also continuing to go running. I'm also getting out to go swimming at our apartment pool.

*Trying to make "small" talk with anyone, just to build up my confidence and self-esteem.

*Will start going to Divorce Care group at a church and also go to the church on Sunday's

That is all for now. Other than that, I try to at least get out with the small amount of friends I do have.

It's tough. No question about it. I don't understand either why my wife doesn't value what I have to offer. She just doesn't. But that's not the point.

The point is there are women who DO value what I have to offer. I happened to marry one who doesn't and she showed her true colors by making a decision to commit adultery. This is what she must come to terms with. It doesn't mean she can't find forgiveness someday, she can. She could today is she wanted to, but she is not deciding that.

The truth is there are women who value loyalty, faithfulness, kindness and maturity. They are out there. It's hard to see right now because the rejection is so strong and so fresh in your mind. I struggle too, because I have been conditioned to some degree to now believe all women will cheat on me, reject me, lie to me, and scoff at my suffering.

So why me? Am I defective? Of course not. I make mistakes, I have issues, I'm incredibly flawed, so what can I do about it? I can make it a priority to better myself. I need to prepare myself for my future, so I am healthy and ready to participate in a real, God-based marriage someday.

The ironic part for me is, while I can be focused on improving, I also need to learn to give up control at the same time. Kind of a dual tact. During my worst time I called this idea, "embracing choas" meaning I accept the fact that sometimes I will not understand why things are happening to me (chaos) but I will have faith in God (embrace) that He will guide me through it. Faith in something greater than myself.


Since He IS allowing this to happen is exactly why you should trust Him. Why not trust deeper the One who spans all things, sees all things, and lets Himself be known in every heart who seeks Him? This is why you SHOULD take this pain to the foot of the cross and into Jesus' able hands and out of your own. Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

So if things aren't going as you planned, get in tune with God's plan. We know His first purpose is that we all seek Christ. Okay, if that's happening, then all other things will sort of cascade out of that singlemost importance.

I believe it is much better to live in accordance to God's will, allowing Him to work in our lives even when we don't understand it, than it is to go it alone -- because in the end we usually only screw things up. I know I do. If we cling to God, in time He will fulfill us, He will grace us with more than we deserve.

Because bottom line is, Paul, none of us deserve anything. Really, truly, we all deserve to be in the gutter.

The key to our difficulties is in our gratitude. Success through hard times will be equally proportionate to our thankfulness.


It is important for us to fully surrender ourselves to God.

Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

Then at the end (or beginning) the day. Take a break from all this mess you are in. Forgive yourself every hour if you have to for what you feel responsible for. Smile at the stupid things you did, and know that not every woman will treat you like your wife has. And in the future, know you will not treat every woman like you may have in the past.

This is life. Embrace it.

God Bless

Sorry if I were too direct and harsh. Sometimes it's a blessing and a curse.

Divorce can be looked at from two perspectives. One, the end of what could've been. Two, the opportunity of what can be.

As for God, (I'm a non-devout Catholic), your W entered your life for a reason. And it could very well have been to "teach" you one of life's lesson. Some relationships last weeks, a few months or years while some lasts forever. Nevertheless, people enter our lives for a purpose as we enter theirs with a a purpose. However you look at it, there is this grand master plan God has already mapped for each one of us. It's up to us to realize that.

Divorce is a difficult and painful transition. Rest assured you are not alone. Heck, I'm still in the process of going through mine. It's a test of courage and strength daily. But it's how we rise above such fall that will ultimately defines us who we are.

Just look at it this way. Just because you didn't get the dream job (woman/relationship) you interviewed for, does this make you less of a man or less competent than the next guy? NO! It just means that the job wasn't meant for you! Your W was not meant for you or to be your W forever.

Life just has a weird way of working things out in the end. Trust it. There's a reason things are not supposed to be the way you want them to be. It's your higher power looking out after you! Trust in it!

You'll be fine!