Well, I did a drive by...just mention (at an appropriate time) that I was hurt but the fact that he was open and honest meant more...

I didn't get a comment, of course, I didn't want or expected one...

DH went to Bike night...hanging with the boys...also something we recently started...He said he would be here and then there and he had his cell phone if I needed him...

I did call...the kids and I went to the grocery store and there wasn't a whole lot of bikes where he said he would be so I called...

No, the kids and I didn't go down the drink isle...LOL Thank God for the person who came up with incaps to displace their products...LOL

Anyway, we chit chatted for a minute...we started bike night as date night but we all know that changed and now with the kids in school...it become guys night out...

I don't mind...he's hanging with good people...some of who know what going on between us...I think it's good before we did everything together and I think him and I need to have some things separate...

I've been thinking about trying to find a local group to join...see what's out in the community that I may be interested in...make some new friends and do something I enjoy or might enjoy...I had thought about one of the local Mardi Gras groups but the dues, throws, parties, and costumes get so expensive...I would rather spend me money elsewhere...I mean you are throwing a lot away...LOL

Well, I'm open for suggestion of how to find a group to join...I thought our newspaper had a listing but I haven't found it yet...

Okay! Yesterday when I dropped DH off at work, I spend a few minutes talking with a friend of our and he said I hear you hit the road. He was talking about me learning to ride my motorcycle. I said yeah. He said well you need some road time with other people. And the conversation went on for a few minutes...well, it sounded like DH told him that I drove out of the driveway by myself.

The thing is that another friend of ours thought the same thing...I drove out of the driveway by myself. So I asked DH the other day when it came up if he had told her that I had done this. He said something about Well, I thought you had drove out of the driveway and she must have I said you did.

Let me explain...I've rode the bike twice by myself...DH won't let me out of the driveway because of the high traffic volume in front of our house. Until today, I felt that I could do it and make it to the next street, a quiet area, to practice. We're talking a short distant, maybe one block...but like I said DH is concerned and won't let or should I say would perfer that I not attempt this...

Yesterday, when I heard the same thing from our other friend, it didn't hit me but in the middle on the night...yes, one of those times I was up it hit me...So, when I talked with DH this morning I asked him "DId you or did you not tell F that I drove out of the driveway? He said I told you what I said and I told them the same thing, it's not my fault they got a misconception. Well, we hung up, after he changed the subject to how bad he's feeling and would like to go to bed early tonight.

I thought about it a little and TMed him: 2 people, diff. story times, same misconception. and I hit the wrong button and sent it before I was finished. He called and I got to hear...I told you what I said, You always have to find something to be unhappy about?, oh, so now, you are using my words against me (misconception), and if you feel that way it's you or fine, I won't say anything until you drive to their house...

I was trying to explain that it bothers me when he gave or told people things that are not the truth...because he says these things and I don't know what he says and then I feel stupid when I get put into these situations, and I don't need to feel stupid. That is really bother me when he does this. Basically, what he was saying about the misconception and blaming two different people thinking the same thing was not sitting well. I strongly feel like he was lying, which is in his nature when recounting an event.

DH has a habit of not telling all of the truth when telling someone about an event, he'll add a major detail and then expect me to back him up. He's even winked at me with the person standing right in front of him. That was the signal fro it's okay and please don't correct me this time. I have done that sometimes on purpose, sometimes on accident because I didn't know...he's never "corrected" me for it.

I can't support this behavior any longer...I can't be expected to remember his lies, and I back him up. What does that say about me? I feel like people can tell when he does this, like the wink...hello!

My top EN is O&H...I told DH he might as well tell everyone that I went to college on scholarship (like my parents did). I said it means that much to me. I was speaking in a caring and loving voice, even called him baby. He was defensive and perhaps I backed him into a corner.

I have mentioned throughout our past that I don't like habit of his, of course not like that. The last time I was speaking about people in general...something came up and we were talking about exaggarating...I said I didn't mind a little exaggerating but over exaggerating really bothers me, than I didn't like it at all, that other people can tell.

It's not necessarily the fact that other people can tell, it's the fact that I know it's not the truth and I have to support his lies. If they do know he's lying and I back him up, what does that say about me?

What do I do about this? I will not support this behavior...being a model does work because I don't do this...

HL-I know that you have said it's a guy thing but I feel this is a little beyond guy thing...it makes me uncomfortable...

Rin,

Am I hearing this correctly? For some reason your WH embellishes and wants you to not contradict him due to possibly feeling embarrassed after embellishes?

And you don't like feeling embarrassed when you're caught in one of his exaggerations?

Maybe I don't understand...they seem to be the same thing...and nowhere on the scale of him telling you of his attempts at contact...and I see you trying to force him to admit to his lie to others over how far you've gone on the bike?

Hmmm.

LA

Sometimes it's embellishes, sometimes it's out right lies...the point I want trying to make is that I sometimes get stuck in the middle feeling uncomfortable, not knowing what to say or do...I used to bike as an example...

SOmetimes...even when it's not involving me directly I fell uncomfortable...because he'll defer to me to back him up...

yes, I guess I was trying to force him, now that I look at it...because I wanted him so understand that I am uncomfortable, I can't support his actions when he defers the conversation to me...


We didn't even about contact attempts...but I do know there was eight calls totaling 15 minutes...I mentioned I saw the cell bill (it was in my email account late night before I went to bed). I wasn't even going to look at the account after he told me that about the calls yesterday.

Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

I just talked to DH during my break...

During the conversation I apologized becasue I didn't think I communicated my intentions clearly...I told him that my point was that I feel uncomfortable becasue I don't know what he's said or not said which makes me unsure of what I should say or not say...

We ended the conversation on a good note...

Rin,


Nope!!!!

First and foremost a lie is a lie. First about his embelishments(lies):an honest person does not need a good memory. LOL.

If someone gets good at lying and it becomes a habit then it is easy to justify it. IMHO pathological liars do not start off telling the big whoppers. LOL. It just becomes an ingrained behavior. That is why to me honesty is the most important thing to me when dealing with anyone. If I come across a person that is not honest with me then I pretty much doubt most of what they are saying. More importantly if someone feels the need to lie about a little thing I wonder what they are capable of when it is a big thing. Just my two cents.

In regards to the phone bill. Look my philosophy is simple no contact means no contact. If she calls him he should say no contact good bye!! That will take less then a minute. Cell phones are billed in one minute increments. Anything longer then one minute on the bill is too long>

Again not saying he is lying about this but any extended conversation etc. can start his withdrawl process again. Now that effects you and that is not fair.

There needs to be a break from that insanity. The cycle needs to stop. The definition of insanit is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

HL- I agree totally and I need to hear what the conversation b/t the two was about. I just don't know how to get where I need to get...how to start the conversation and be respectful, stay respectful...I want to listen and repeat...

I'm not scared to do it but I am nervous...one conversation..two conversation...NC...

I could scream...trying to figure out how to phase what....

If I said to DH in general...that I can not live like this for another year without resolving some of our problems...would that be stating a boundary...

How can I go from one day feeling great to today not sure where to place my next foot?

Hi Rinder,

I do think, at this point, you are splitting hairs. I think you lost more than you gained by accusing your H of fibbing (and it's not that I dont think he did).

He's JUST gone NC with OW.

You've got to give these foggy (almost F)WS's some time. He's done a MAJOR thing by NC, you need to keep the energy positive and friendly right now. You can hash all this out later. You've got a thousand points of fine-tuning ahead of you. Now is just not the time.

Just my 2cents... I dont know your whole story, so if I've missed something major I take it all back <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> - Dru

Rin,

Emotions, including anger are not bad. Sometimes anger gets us to the end result that is required for healing.

Everyone can give me the 2 X 4 I don't really care. LOL.

The reason I say this is that the person on the other side may not think it is that big of a deal if you are always calm, cool and collected.

It is how you express your anger that is important. What is causing the anger. For me it was usually hurt. If I was hurt and you are the cause of that hurt and more importantly you are continuing to do the things that hurt me.

So very simply you say to DH, whenever you have contact it hurts me. If you have contact it makes me feel like you are indifferent to the pain you are causing me. Or you don't care that you are hurting me. When that happens I get very upset or angry with you. When I am upset or angry with you I cannot treat you the way that you probably want to be treated. It also lessens the amount of trust I have for you. I have given you my heart and my love for you to care for. I need to trust that it is safe to do that. I do not feel safe doing that until you write a NC letter to the OW and then have no contact.

If the phone rings from her just don't answer. There is no reason to call her ever. Not even to tell her NC.

You cannot speak in generalizations you have to be specific. Not another year either.

I cannot live another day like this. Why would you give a week, a month, or a year.

You have a few choices where to place your next foot.

To the left.
To the right.
Backward.
Forward.

IMVHO not having the NC letter and expressing the hurt contact causes is not forward. If that is your destination then you need to act and not react.

Hi Rin! Boy, we are in the same boat. I feel this way a lot. I guess its because we are headed down a new path and we know where we want to go we just aren't sure how to get there.



That probably is not the best way to put it. It kind of sounds like a vague threat. But I know the feeling. The approach I'm going to TRY to take is...

1) recognize when we slip into old pattern
2) change the way I respond
3) point out that this is the way we did things before and it didn't work.
4) use MB techniques without trying to jam MB principles down his throat
5) listen more
6) trust my gut
7) ask for clarification when I need it.
8) be O & H w/ him.

The way I look at the worst has already happened>>>he left. Before I didn't know if I would survive...now I know I can thrive, even without him. It takes my fear out of it. I know myself better, I am stronger.

Rin,

Your choice only, to live in truth or not. Do you not do what is uncomfortable? I don't think you got that supeRinderella purple cape by avoiding unease. You have your truth...state it to your friends. It's yours. Leave his where it is...over there.

Nice distraction, though, wasn't it? I think HL hit it totally...not knowing their words/conversations in those 15 minutes (8 calls) is the lie by omission you're seeking...not his lying to friends...and a DJ to believe he is asking you to back him up...unless he states, "I'm going to lie about your motorcycle skills and I don't want you to contradict me" then leave the DJ alone.

What I posted to your main thread...we disconnect and we reconnect...we live in truth, then a lie, then in truth. Know your choices...and be accepting you have internal patterns...and you're slowly changing those...see this one for what it is...do you fear the next step? Asking him for those missing 15 minutes of your life?

You were safe and then you pushed on the distraction...hold out for the big stuff. Before you act, know what you want to do and why...think it through...know your own stuff. Get centered, then choose to act or not. Maybe knowing inside you that there is this pattern of you choosing to cover up with him was enough. Didn't need to be said at this time, given the NC breaks and ownership. Staying safe is important, too.

You're going to go way up and down, Rin...you were like this long before WH, weren't you? You're learning moderation, contemplation and inner peace...doesn't descend and stay--please learn that from me...how quickly you see what you need to see in yourself is more important than getting the feelings you want all the time. They aren't protection--they are information. That means they aren't harmful, either.

ChaCha's list is great for clarity...recentering...knowing what you know...even when we forget for a short time...and I do, too. You know that.

LA

First of all, thank you for all of your support!

I love the insight that I get here, it really helps me focus. And yes, I thought there was NC for 37 days. Yesterday, DH told me different and he decided to call because he thought it was time. He said at lunch today, in a VERY brief conversation that "it was time to get rid of a problem." He said that he didn't do it for sympathy or empathy...he did it because he had too. he said this because I asked for clarity on his statement about "adult feelings." I said that I don't know if yesterday's event was painful for him or what he was feeling, and i felt that it would help me if I knew what was going on. I wasn't sure to be sympathic or empathic.

I said that I didn't feel secure and when I talked about the NC letter or phone call that I may have been unclear on what I needed for it to be concrete for me.

DH asked "Why is it so important for me to know everything?" He was interrupting me when he asked this, so I asked that he just listen and accept what I say as information. I said "For 37 days I thought that there was NC and there wasn't." I mentioned the NC letter and phone call but didn't go into detail. I knew from the eye rolling when I asked him to listen that I needed to make it short and sweet, sort to speak.

I said "Before I trusted you without any question, now trust has to be earned. I need something more concrete to feel safe and right now I have to accept you at face value." I said that "I'm trying to be patience" (not my best trait), and said "you have to admit I did good yesterday but I'm waiting for you to share your experience with me."

I may have said a few things more but tried to end it on a light note. I fixed his plate and he put his nose in a book and ate at the same time. I ate and remained silence, making myself available should he want to talk. He closed the book, and rested his head. He's not feeling well, his sinuses are going crazy, just another reason to be patience. I wouldn't want to talk much if I wasn't feeling well.

He fell asleep for a minute and woke himself up by jumping. His tone of voice was soft and he said that he was ready to go. I remained quiet, in case, he chose to say something else. When he got out of the car, he called me by my pet name, BUDDHA, then kissed me goodbye. He was very cheerful when I was driving away, even laughing with a friend.

I joked with him about jumping like he did before we left the house.

I don't want to disregard some of the other things you all have posted to me but I have an important task to handle.

I do love CC list, I think that's a wonderful guideline. It might be helpful for others also, would you consider putting it in your sig. line, I mean the link?

Thank you all, I am very grateful to have all of you in my life.

Have you given him Josephs letter? If not search for it and read it then maybe give it to him.

Then I don't know how to word it but here it is. His perception of what is important for you to know and not to know may not be in your best interest. So since there is that barrier right now it is important for you to know everything. Then you can decide if it is important or not. He lost the benefit of making that decesion on his own.

I would say have a single focus right now and that is NC. I hate to say it but the biggest mistake I made through this whole thing is trying to move forward with a big anchor tied to my butt. Your anchor is the NC letter and NC all together.

It is hard to move forward like that. It is slow and tiresome. It was like step, drag the anchor, step. I could be nice to her but I can tell you I wasn't as nice as I could have been if that anchor wasn't weighing me down.

He owes it to you to either cut the rope or help drag the anchor. You may forget everyonce in a while it is there but in tough times it just gets harder.

What impetus are you giving him? I would not trust my FWW to go out on bike night or girls night out if I knew there was contact. Why because I would wonder if it was really bike night or girls night out. Since I don't want to have those feelings I can now put ownership on her.

I do not feel good about that because you haven't written a NC letter. Until that happens I get a rock in my stomach when you leave.

I feel like you are asking me to trust you more then you have earned. I have done that before and it did not turn out well for me.

I gave him Joseph's letter in the beginning, as a matter of fact, I was looking for my jounral and ran across the envelope last night. Perhaps I can compose something similiar...I'm open to any suggestions, maybe just having him read it again...

I was thining on the ride back to work how I have changed. I can see a change...I would have met yesterday with a great deal of anxiety...flying from my emotions alone...reacting...

I felt that I acted for the first time...later last night...I accepted it and grieved...I was thankful he was not there...it gave me the space that I needed to be emotional without affecting my Plan A...

I got the opportunity to play with the kids (We pretended that the truck was a spaceship and we went through the black hole and a meteor shower!) I got a lot of time to think without any interference. I asked myself why I was not angry like I was the last time I found out C was made. The difference is that I knew something was wrong.

I'm not sure if you all will remember me telling H that I couldn't change him, felt like I couldn't work on the M, but I could work on myself...

There you go...my gut instinct...

LA-I really don't remember being so extreme prior to H, but I do remember acting crazy with him a few months after we were together. We moved in with each other 3 months after we started dating. I will have to give it more thought.


This has been something that has bothered me for a long time, but this is the first time I can remember or have noticed I should say that I know he lied and when F asked me about it I wasn't sure what to say. I have covered for him in the past...I'm not doing it anymore...led by example, right? I didn't appreciate it happening twice in the same week.

Am I just not being tough enough, because I'm good at putting my foot back when I need to?

Well, let's see if I have to deal with withdrawal then I've got seven weeks till me B-day. No longer Sept 1st, huh, LA?

My gut feeling is that the fantasy is over...I am basing this on fact...he said yesterday that she kept hanging up on him...he hates that...he will finish saying what he has to say no matter the situation...if you hang up...he will drive to you...been there done that since D-day.

So, I'm glad that he got to speak his peace on the phone and not face to face. I'm trying to be positive here.

I can't force him to give me the NC letter...I'm dealing with a very stubborn and prideful man...also fact! I can't force him to give me anything I need...and I'm not going to push because I know from past experience that he will rebel out of spite. That's fact too...remember the reason he was calling before...WH said it.

I think there's a thin line there...and I get the wonderful opportunity to self-improve more...

I am angry some because I feel like I'm starting over again...but really I'm not huh, LA? It's that different rung...and I can see the difference this time...must not be the same pole either...like summer the grass has grown around the bottom of the pole changing my view...maybe the paint...not sure but this time is different...


ME! I'm different...I feel the change...

Rin,

"This has been something that has bothered me for a long time, but this is the first time I can remember or have noticed I should say that I know he lied and when F asked me about it I wasn't sure what to say."

Saying to F that your H lied doesn't sound like your truth to me. "No, I haven't gone past the driveway."

"That's odd. H told me you did."

"Well, I haven't."

Does that help?

"I have covered for him in the past...I'm not doing it anymore...led by example, right? I didn't appreciate it happening twice in the same week." Hey, you'll come to it again and again...your own expectation that twice in one week is too much...because you hadn't decided ahead of time what to say. Now you have that. Maybe 6 times in a week will be fine.

"Am I just not being tough enough, because I'm good at putting my foot back when I need to?"

Tough how and to whom?

Oh how well you're doing with reminding yourself of the rung you are on, regardless of the view!! Awesome, Rin. Sincerely. You CAN'T be where you were before...everything has changed...because you have.

Like a bloodhound, I'm still watching you for P/A behaviors...and I want to ask you about this one:

"you have to admit I did good yesterday but I'm waiting for you to share your experience with me."

Does he have to admit? That's the key part to me. What you're saying...about waiting for him to share his experience, the words, the feelings, etc., is great.

Have to admit?

Think about this...are you asking him for praise, recognition or admiration? Then ask directly. If you are asking yourself (which it sounded like you were giving yourself solid recognition for doing something way out of your previous pattern), then what does that mean?

I think you would not like WH saying, "You should be happy I'm not calling her now and leave it at that."

Would you?

It is a catchy phrase, a subtle manipulative one, don't you think? You have to admit it is! LOL

You're not bad here...just thought you'd be interested in what may bite you back...so you can enforce that boundary because you hold yourself to that standard.

And I would suggest that pole is the same...all the way to the top...it is called deceit...what you fear a lot...a recurring theme, maybe? Being deceiving, deceived and self-deceiving. Might have you feeling back to the bottom rung when it's not even close...each time you come around to it, how you address that pole is what matters most.

You're doing great, Rin.

LA

""you have to admit I did good yesterday but I'm waiting for you to share your experience with me.""

LOL...I knew I was wrong when I said that but why hid my mistake...that was instant for me...I heard myself say it and [email]thought...d@mn[/email] it...I was wanting him to notice the change in me...there's honesty for you! LOL

I think I'll label my poles...when you mentioned themes...i didn't get it...I got it today...actually sounds like my character traits...the major ones...the ones that really shake me to the bone...it would make it easier to watch for to say the least...

"are you asking him for praise, recognition or admiration? Then ask directly"

Are you saying that I should say something like: Can you recognize that I didn't ask you anything about it yesterday, that I'm trying to be patient? Instead of ...you have to admit...

See after I did it I couldn't figure out how to correct it so I let it go...not knowing what else to do...

"If you are asking yourself (which it sounded like you were giving yourself solid recognition for doing something way out of your previous pattern), then what does that mean?"

Well, um, LOL...I would like to think that I've broken the cycle...that I'm overcoming and strenghtening areas that need reinforcement...before I wouldn't have been able to wait a minute much less a day...so I am learning to be patient...

I can say that I feel better about myself...regardless yesterday morning conversation with WH...I was still able to hold my head high and not feel hopeless...

I'm proud of myself the last two days, except that one thing and I'll just have to work on that! I feel like the pendulum didn't swing from left to right and back again...a more even keel...

No 3rd D-day that's for sure!

Ladies and gentlemen we are really quiet tonight. DH chose to bury his nose in a book, and I'm still making myself available to talk.

The TV hasn't been turned on in two days...that a miracle around here...as least for DH...I like the peace and quiet of not having the Tv on. I've even turned the kids down this week regarding the PS2 game. Less noise...

We haven't had a good weekend in a while. He's still calling me baby, which I know is good. He said earlier when he was still in the living room with me that he was trying not to think...then he mentioned soething about a guy and his bike...an a minute later, how many miles he has on his...

It's that meaningless conversation...cool...I'm strictly practicing listening and holding my tongue this weekend...that's my goal until Sunday...

I would like to say to myself Sunday night that I did a good job anad I'm proud of myself!

I feel like I have a better sense of what's happening this go around, that I'm handling it better...of course I'm angry and hurt but I'm going to deal with that...

LOL...keep that taker on the back burner right...my time will come?

I mentioned to WH today that I was learning not to rush like I once did...that it doesn't mean that things will get done any faster...

Standing still...waiting...patience...respect...these are the things that I want to learn better...not for anyone else...just me...I have a need to learn...have always been that way...education is my passion...

I'm a sponge...it's easy for me to slip into a book...that's what I did when things were bad at home...it was everything I needed...adventure...knowledge...it was my way out...

WH doesn't even understand that one...

okay, it's med time...sure don't want that eye to swell up again! LOL I don't like being the pinkeyed, swollen monster. LOL

To keep my sanity...I'm sure I'll post later!

Nice thread you got here, Rin.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I like the decorations. New thread, new you, huh?

Can we talk?

"I'm a sponge...it's easy for me to slip into a book...that's what I did when things were bad at home...it was everything I needed...adventure...knowledge...it was my way out...

WH doesn't even understand that one..."

You say this DJ...when your H is sitting in the living room, television off...reading...having said, "that he was trying not to think."

And then you write...this was your way out...

Hmmm.

Balancing your Taker and Giver is knowing what you're doing and why...no sacrifice, tests or judgments. You're taking the peace and quiet...told the kids no PS2...your Taker is present...enforcing your boundaries, seeing to your needs. You acknowledged you were on the computer while he was reading...together in different pursuits. Available to each other...or was it you available to him to talk.

You called his disclosures meaningless...they meant something to him. He shared them.

What's under this, Rin? Are you wanting your fear and pain from the contact disclosure addressed? Or are you working at being safe, respectful...taking care of your own stuff? Combination? What is in your mind that would make this a lovely, enjoyable, comfortable day for you?

If you test yourself, you'll test others, won't you?

Being is difficult, Rin. Doing is easy. Today could be your day to be, just be.

I looked for your thread because I didn't see it on the list. Sought after, you might say. I wanted to share I'm working on my letter to my folks...my fear is great. It's huge. Funny how it feels in my body like a block in my throat...where I speak from, even when I write. Where do you feel in your body your emotions?

I am grateful for who you are, all of you, Rin. For staying here, choosing your marriage, to listen, to learn...to be available.

Do you think we confuse dealing with our emotions as healing from our emotions? Isn't healing an emotion? Would I be back to the snake eating the snake thing again?

LA

On the knowledge, book things...guess I failed to mention that was when I was growing up...I would retreat to me room and read...school and college was my only way out of that environment.

WH has said to me that he doesn't understand how love to learn things (conversations b/f A), I explained it was my coping skill...my way out of a poor life...I'm the first to graduate college on my mom and dad's side...

Now, I read not to get away but to learn how to move forward to be a better, awesome me.

Yes, I guess I did say that what he said was meaningless...I was thinking of what he said about sometimes it's good to have meaningless conversations...using his words...but in thinking about it now...I would thing that there are no meaningless conversations...it's really rather the depth of the conversation that he means...b/c WH mention in the same conversation a few things but was having trouble desrcibing what he meant...I'm positive he was trying to refer to the depth of sharing...

I was making myself available to him to talk...yes, I do want to talk about the contact but I feel that I certainly can't push...no need to rush...gets you nowhere...it will come when I least expect it...haha...yeap, I said expect it, but I still realize that I can't expect anything from him right now...

I want to home in on my listening skills (I'm horrible with that), patience(another big area I want to do something about), and open-mindedness. These are the areas I really want to improve whole-heartly...

Not need to deny, I want to talk about the disclosure...and I may be setting myself up, waiting for some moral of info...but I'm not going to ask...I'll going to tale it slow...I've even come to realize I may never get what I need for him about the A...NC letter...disclosure of any kind...am I okay with that...not at present...

We ended up having a good night...WH went into the bedroom to read and I stayed in the living room...

Today, I woke up angry...WH and I rode ALL day...we got home @10 and then went to a bike night where we met up with his SB. We had a good day...the morning was crappy for me b/c i was riding and thinking about why I was angry and how to deal with that in a positive manner. At some point in the morning, after lots of thought...my mood changed and I enjoyed the ride...I'll have to tell you more about that later...

I'm trying...I'm trying so hard not to force things...to not cover them up with other things...to be disrespectful...to be a new an improved me!

"If you test yourself, you'll test others, won't you?"

I think only if I expect something from other people...it would be only if I expected something from someone else...

I want this for me...

Oh, It would feel great to let my taker run rampit but we all know that's not healthy...

Well, i write more later...I do look forward to reading your letter...I'm positive it will be good...

I'm so tired for the day and it's ending on a better day than it began...