I see where you are coming from...I'm feelinga little low today...we've been together 14 years today and my mind keeps reverting to past special days...thinking how horrible they have been...Mother's day was sooo hurtful...

I know today is a brighter day for us...we won't really be doing anything or celebrating because of his suspension and the weekend trip well you might as well say there's no room for it...

I've thought about writing a letter to him to let him know looking back, thinking of all the things that I'm grateful for.

H just walked in...we're getting together with the GNs and drinking some beer at their house tonight! I'm open for any ideas.

If affairs were about real people and not made-up ones, Rin...then the wayward state of mind would not be fogged, but real...

And your WH's affair wasn't about OW...it was about HIM.

All OPs do not measure up to the BS...they don't...not in the eyes of the BS's or other non-fogged people.

You can only A-proof your half of the marriage...and WH does his half...

What do you think you might be distracting yourself from by following these thoughts...what might you be trying to show yourself (a truth you have) in this line of reasoning?

LA

I agree with those. My FWW has ruined so many days it is sick.

I have her birthday. D Day was 2 days after her B Day. After she let me plan a very special weekend. Dropped kids off at mom's house. Dinner, massage, breakfast at the beach a nice walk etc. Then 2 days later I am the worst H on the planet.

My B Day that was when she admitted to more SF then before. Our anniversary she took om out to dinner I paid and had SF. My OS birthday she had SF then too. Fathers day because she was with him then.

There are more in there but wow hard to celebrate when you have that crap in the background.

Damn I just vented and it felt good. Sorry.

Anyway. I don't even think about the OM anymore because he has no power or control in my life. He was not the issue my wife was!!!! The ow is not the issue your H was. If not her then someone else.

What I decided to do was knock my FWW's socks off to show her how great I am.

Why not trying giving your H a little surprise before going to GN's house!!!!.

Then let him pick out your undergarments with a promise if he is good he will be taking them off for you.

I bet that puts a little spice into the night.

"What do you think you might be distracting yourself from by following these thoughts...what might you be trying to show yourself (a truth you have) in this line of reasoning?"

I really don't what I could be trying to show myself...I can tell you why these thought are in mind...

They started after I found out at lunch that FWH will be back at the other shop, closest to the convenient store...I'm fearful of FWH seeing OW...not that the A will be renewed...I sense that she doesn't want anything to do with him and the same on his end now. But just the fact of him seeing her...

I need to stay present... I know...I understand what you are saying about not being real but that's a hard concept to get through my mind...

I'll be alright! I understand your point!

Well, I just wanted to let everyone know that H and I are still good...even after I found me book, "Living with a PA Man" that I didn't recieve...WH got the mail that day, opened the package, saw what it was got mad, and hid it.

I walked back over to the GN's and announced to him that I found it, he asked where I found it. I told him, then he said that after I explained what the book was about, he had been looking for it since then and couldn't find it. I asked him why did you just tell me that you took it and couldn't remember where you put it? He said that he didn't want to tell me.

So, he lied about taking it from the mail...I asked before I filed a complaint with the company I ordered it from! I was mad when I found it. I knew he had lied at the time! It was in the top of the closet!

What am I suppose to think about this? It just adds to the distrust. And I did hear his truth, he didn't want to tell me after he found out why I wanted to read the book that he took it.

Just like I don't believe that he didn't buy OW a gift or card for Valentine's day.

Uhm, Rin?

How about reading the book first before you walked over to call FWH out on his lie? And even then, why not wait until you were alone?

I'm not bashing you...when you read the book, I think you'll understand better.

Also...the way you linked the lie to the card...that's what we've trained our brain to do...experience all betrayals (lies and lies by omission) at once...when they are separate...might want to look at what you're asking your brain to hand you...for your own self-care and clarity...and

reminded me of something to share...

Back in the pain days while the A was going on, I bought a movie my WH loved...a DVD...and hid it for Christmas...well, Christmas came and went and I couldn't find it...I knew this about myself, btw...from hiding presents from the kids, that I would do it so well, I wouldn't remember...and we'd find hidden gifts a year or two later...and laugh...this time, I was angry with myself...

Three months after Christmas, came FWH's bday...and I put together a little party with family and friends...and he went through his gifts, and then said, "Wait, looks like one more...hmmm? What could it be?"

"Who's it from?"

"You."

Wha??? He opens it and all the kids crack up because it's the movie...which FWH had finally come across and wrapped for the occasion...and we're laughing so hard because of the title...

"Memento."

ROFL

So...in defense of your WH's excuse of not finding it after he'd hidden it...I humbly submit...

And to take it to your cards...guess what wonderful, aware LA did?

During those pain days (same one), I had purchased a lot of little cards, individually chosen from my deep love and remorse...and I would put one on his dash...a couple weeks later, on his pillow...until I created resentment at not getting a Christmas card that year from him...so my stash stayed my stash...(I'm a child. I just am.)

I remembered those last week and went to get them to put one on the computer on the night he works until 4am...and looked, and looked for them...oh, no! Crud! There I go again...

He called that night on his break to chat and said, "You sound tense or upset." I admitted my self-frustration and he began to laugh, ending with an, "Ahhh, that was so thoughtful. Thank you."

"What are you talking about? I can't find them! I've hidden them from myself again!"

"So you were going to give me a Memento, eh?"

I laughed. I was embarrassed.

He said, "I got the thoughtfulness, hon. I love you."

Geeeeesshhhhh...

You can get from there to here...and that won't make me not be able to hide things from myself (which terrifies me from my wayward state of mind days)...and be loved, anyway.

They will turn up...Rin, this too will be worked through...I can't protect myself from myself, let alone from DH...and that's okay.

Just thinking of you...showing my embarrassing life to you...hope you benefit, too.

(YOU BUILT A STORAGE SHED FOR YOUR FWH???) You soooo rock.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

Hi, I've have a good day! I tore out the wall and old cabinet in the garage, built a stoage shelve (not unit), fixed one wall and have another to go. I'm organizing the entire thing...wires...tools...

Taking out that wall made a huge difference in the space...it was a mess...termite damage from the previous owner that was treated...the rotten wood...rat stuff...all clean now...

After work tomorrow I've got to get started on closing that other wall...build some more shelves and decide where the rest of the stuff will find it's home.

I like being organized! H and I both use the tools so often. See two years last Feb., H remodeled the bathroom for me...huge tub...moved the toilet and sink...it's really nice...and the garage was something that I've been wanting to do...I learned how to use the table saw yesterday...

That was so cool...HN's H came over wanted to know what H was tearing up...H said that wasn't him it was me...HN's H was amazed at the change...I'm proud of the work I've done...I can't wait to see what the finished product will look like...

Also, H has cooked two nights in a row since I've been working outside...That's cool! And I JUST HAD to show me appreciate...you know! LOL

well, H and I have had a good weekend, regardless of the book thing...it was quickly over...I'll wait a little longer before I say that we are in recovery.

Hi, all, I had a bad night's sleepand needless to say my morning's not going all that well. I was up before H this morning and he left 40 minutes before he had to go to work.

I called him and asked why he didn't take his lunch box. I figured he was stopping at "the store" to get some coffee. I didn't ask, and H said he would call me later to let me know how his day was going.

This triggered me and then I went in search of "the card". Nope, I didn't find it and I don't know why I'm wasting my energy.

I get to work and we're out of coffee and I'm so tired! Wondering how I'm going to make it through this day being so tired!

Rin just stopping by to say hi.
I'm trying to work between catching up on the threads...oh I guess I should say I'm trying to catch up on threads while I'm working.

More later.

Hi ChaCha! Thanks for stopping by...I appreciate you...I do the same thing at work.

I really don't have much to say today...just quiet! Saw H at lunch...he asked if I have ever been somewhere's I really didn't want to be...He was referring to work...says he feels like he's being watched...

Geez Rin,

You need your own home imporvement show. LOL.

There is one called toolbelt diva so you can't do that one.

It is nice stepping outside of the M and doing things you like and help you feel like a complete person.

Yes, I have to agree with you HL. It REALLY makes me feel good to look at what I've accomplished...doesn't even have to be the finiahed product...to say I did that...

See, my Dad is a jack of all trades, so it runs in the family...I've done plumbing, some electrical but I really don't feel confident about that...just whatever I put my mind too. Some people would call it work but it's more relaxation to me. Strange? Weird? LOL

Let me see, what can I call my show....? HUmmm...I'll have to think about it! LOL

It really makes me feel good! And the benefit of me being handy...I GET TO TEACH THE BOYS someday! Hurry! They were so excited when they saw that "I" had torn down the wall. I heard something like "wow, mom, you did this?" They thought that was cool!

Asking all kinds of questions like how did you do this and how did you do that? LOL

It's also my alone time when I'm doing a project like that! I would like to someday take on the boy's bathroom.

Well, HL, I have to thank you for helping me be in a better mood...getting me to think about the joy of my work! LOL I've done a lot of work around that house! Actually I wouldn't mind moving to another just so I'd have more projects! HAHA!

Well,

NP. Funny thing is I do the other stuff. I do most of the cooking in our house.

I made an awsome garlic sauce the other night. Chicken, Broccoli, onions, garlic over penne. I clean as I go so there is just really the dishes from the actual dinner and a pot or pan.

Cooked dinner again last night too but that was only cheeseburgers, hotdogs, mac and cheese, corn. But I did make grilled onions and bacon for the burgers. Same thing clean as I go.

So you can teach your boys the stuff that society would say a man is responsible for and I can teach my boys the things that society say is a womens job. LOL.

My roomate used to tell me that I was going to make someone a very good wife one day. LOL. He enjoyed much of my cooking and cleaning.

My FWW likes when I clean because when I do it I do it 100%. When I clean the bathrooms I rip them apart. Scrub the floors and use the wet vac. then rinse twice with hot water using the wet vac to get the water up. You could eat off of them when I was done. Including the base of the toilet. LOL.

The boys love it when I cook. Trying to get them interested in it as well.

I take pride in my dishes. I know they are awesome.

We used to hang out with another couple before they moved and FWW would invite them over for dinner. First question was who is cooking. If it was me they always said yes.

Nobody can take that away from me. Part of who I am. I enjoy it.

BTW my timing is impecable. Each dish finished and plated at the same time. No waiting.

Fabulous! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I would LOVE to taste your cooking...H has been cooking since he was off and I was working in the garage...nothing special but I didn't have to do it...hotdogs, hamburgers, bacon wrapped shrimp (I had to wrap them!), eggs...it's all good I've been asking him to cook for a long time! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I was amazed that he vaccumed the other day, and put the folded clothes in the rooms that they went in. H did the dishes, cleaned the stove, and the cabinets...not his usual behavior but he was really bored at home. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Now, the things that I need done like putting up the security lights because someone was in our backyard over two months ago...still not done...finishing the framing around the new doors on the inside of the house...still not done...that was before d-Day back in April...

I asked for help this weekend several times and either didn't get it or did the first thing I asked for and "forgot" about the rest. we kind of got into it yesterday...he thought I wanted to do this project completely by myself...I said I thought you were going to help and we were going to be a team.

I did get frustrated with him several times after asking him to help me...not even build...to find out where he would perfer this or that or help with moving the lockers we keep for storage. He even said he was going to build a wood rack for the extra lumber...I won't hold my breathe on that one.

Can you tell that I don't ask him to do much? It's like waiting on it to snow down here! I try my best to give him the benefit of the doubt...thinking yeah, he's going to do it...and it doesn't. So, you can see where I'm understanding about putting in and getting out.

Great! H just called...he's going nights...the last time he was on nights...he was in his A...when I think him working nights...I think A! He said not to worry...he said he knew where my mind went when he said nights...yeah, he was DJing but he was right... I did thank him for the reassurance.

He would get off of work, come home, shower somewhere in there, visit with us, and go visit OW.

I'm trying to think of the positive things about him going nights...more money....to make up for what he just lost...things got worse last time he went nights...there's not going to be anytime to spend together...This SUcKS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Rin,

Sometimes I laugh at your thread. You write it and I live it.


I resemble that remark. Even the snow part.

We bought a used car 2 weeks ago. It is not mine. It is hers. You know the POJA thing on that.

Well on Thursday morning I asked her if she called the insurance agent. It was supposed to be done before Wednesday. NOPE. I said why don't I take the car today and I will call the agent. I need it so I can bring it down if he needs to see it. Grab the Vin number etc. NO don't worry HL I will do it. I can find the vin and do it myself. Friday I come home and she wants me to go check the vin number etc because she has not called yet. LOL.

Then the car needed detailed. Guess who dropped it off and made arrangements to get the windshield fixed(free from the dealer) me. Now I noticed the paint job was messed up. I asked her to call the dealer. Nope I had to, I made the arrangements and dropped it off today.

In all of this the dealer lost the key with the remote. I made arrangements for them to be replaced. The guy was in on Tuesday. On Saturday she says I can't believe they lost the remote. I said you could have gone down any day to pick them up this week after tuesday. She said I know.

Now I must tell you I can WALK to the dealership in less then 5 minutes. She drove by the dealership about 50 times last week alone. It would have taken 30 minutes from the time she left to the time she got home.

The nail is the back lift door can be open and closed with the remote. We put all of our stuff back there for games and stuff. She complained how much she hated not having the remote.

GEEZ.

The night thing sucks too. When you say night shift is it a graveyard or what. What time will he get home?

Good time to set up some boundries Rin. IE a call when he is leaving from work to set your mind at ease.

Besides the A figure out what may cause you to feel down and let him know. Like no stopping at the store especially if she may be there.

Just my two cents.

Hey, Rin ...

I'm trying to catch up a little. LOOOOOVE that you are so handy!! I've been thinking about some projects that I want to do at our house, but am not nearly as good as you. I'm impressed! Anytime you want a (working) vacation, come on up. I've got plenty of projects! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

HL ... anytime you want a cooking and cleaning vacation, you're invited, too!! It could be a big MB party! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I do the hiding things from myself thing. I've been finding lots of never-given Christmas gifts recently. Some are very, very old.

Sorry about your H going to nights, that does stink. When H and I were doing well, andhe was working nights, we had a few things we'd do to get extra time in .... don't know if any of these will help, but I'll give you some of our ideas....

I would almost always take him dinner (just whatever we had eaten for dinner), sometimes it was before the kids went to bed, so I'd take them with me, and sometimes they were in bed already whenhe got a break, so I'd get some alone time with him. Even if it was only 20 or 30 minutes, it was still a chance to connect a little bit. I'd also get up with him for an hour or so to hear about his day when he got home. Before the shift change, he would get home about an hour before I had to start getting ready ... so it was perfect timing, we could snuggleand talk for a while, and then I was off to work about the timehe was ready to crash. We also almost always had lunch together after he got up. I'd either come home and we'd eat and hang out there, or he'd come get me and take me somewhere ... it was a nice way to connect, and when the kids are in school, it's just us.

You'll be able to get the time in, you will just have to be creative. Is your work schedule flexible at all? Could you come in later or leave earlier so that you can spend some time with him?

-AmI.

He'll be working 6pm to 6am. OW will have been to the "store" already, but her route probably ends after 8:30am , maybe no later than 9am. It's the time that I'm at work that bothers me. The time before he goes to sleep.

I'm concerned that we will have NO QT time. I get up at 6am to get ready for work and the kids and I are out the door for 7:30. In the afternoons, I get off at 5pm, pick up the kids, and get home as he's leaving. I usual make dinner for him and bring it to him but that's us dropping it off and leaving.

The "store" should be a safe place with these times, but I'm still a little concerned, just because it's the "store".

The way I figure it is if something happens now, I'll be able to tell from his actions. He's been calling my baby, and lots of cute names, being nice, so if that changes I need to question why. At least, he knows I'm bothered by the change.

I don't know...I guess I'm just scare...

6 to 6 is the same shift my WH worked. If he's working 12's, then does he work a lot fewer days?

Does he go right to sleep after he gets off work? Then have him come get you and go to lunch after he gets up... does he work weekends?

Can you drop off dinner to him during his "lunch" hour, so that you'd get to spend a little timewith him, instead of just dropping it off?

Maybe let him know how you're feeling and ask him what he'll do to help you with that ... ?

-AmI.

((((((((RIND-Y)))))))))

I understand scared. Figured you needed a hug.

- Kimmy

Thanks, Kimmy! I really needed it!

AmI, no, he doesn't go or should I say didn't go straight to sleep. H would go to sleep about 10 or 11 in the past. I know that I need to stay present...I'm worring that an old pattern will repeat...

His lunch hour is like 9pm and the kids are in bed for 8:30pm. Granted our state doesn't have any laws about how young the kids are when you leave them and they would be asleep, I would still worry about them. I called dept. of Social service...family whatever...child services...just to check it out once...

Then there's HN...watching the house...I bet she would just love to call the cops on me...to claim I'm negotating my kids...she's that type. Not a DJ, it's fact from another sitch in HER life...OH, on that note, HN is NOT talking to H anymore! LOL

I'm sure it will be 6 days a week that he'll be working. No more bike night either.

I really shouldn't be worried...everything will be fine....there's no need to get worked up about this...H has admitted making a mistake...we're in a better place...

I can do this...just have to be more creative...right? I can also use this time to do more of my projects...

At least that's what my head is telling me...my heart's a different story...