HL, I'm sorry that you're weekend didn't go well and that you are having to face those emotions again. I know facing my own has been a struggle.

ChaCha, thanks for stopping by...FWH was MOF about it...I felt like he was being honest...

From the little I know...the "little" FWH remember...I thought that the A had ended badly...I mean OW hung up on FWH several times...there was 8 phone calls...I didn't think that she was response to him...but then again, she did tell me that she was going to go in the other direction should she see him...

SO, why should I be surprised that she blew...I will file it away...it's probably best...I fear that should I say something also that will stop him from telling me again in the future...he's rebellious like that!

Hi, All! I just wanted to say that I went home for lunch and took a nap. I feel so much better!

Funny how a nap can make a difference like that! LOL

I guess this is just a rough day...darn song on the radio...

I'm craving FWH attention, a small gift, something...anything...

Yesterday, organizing the workshop, I ran across a lot of old cards, letter, some from the first OW...I threw them away and did my best to let go of those feelings...i made the mistake of reading two... this was from 8 years ago...flirty...sexual references...just put them in the garage without a word said...

They should be gone by the time I get home...

I'm not feeling overwhelmed today just a little down...I was doing good after my nap but I had to run the post office and heard this darn song causing me to think of FWH and OW... FWH's Christmas party...a phone call he made on his cell while sitting outside...just a flood...

I'm trying to just face them...chose how I react to them and not allow them to bring me down...

It's just rough...we're on our 8th day of working nights...soon enough...I feel like I've been slapped today!

Rin,

Stay strong.

Sometimes it is hard to chose your reaction when the way you should react is right.LOL.

What is in the past is there for us to learn from.

I have a hard time too when I am triggered. I want to look at the FWW and say hey by the way that song just triggered me and I feel like crap. You may want to back off for a while or treat me a little better today because of that. But we can't. Right. So we do our best to just get over it.

This too shall pass.

LMAO...I'm trying to make light of the situation...I just checked out who's on line and now there are not one but two names that trigger...one I'm sure you all can figure out from my sitch and now OW's name!

It's MY day and I'm going to run with it...I'll be in the workshop tonight clearing my head! I WILL be fine!

I saw FWH a few minutes before he went to work. I didn't say a whole lot, he was a little talkative.

I went in the kitchen to fix him some sandwiches for break. HN asked him earlier if he want some lasanza (?) that she made...so he got a plate and planned to eat that for first break. I made him one sandwich instead of two. H said thank you and asked what was wrong.

I said that I have a rough day with a few triggers and that I didn't talk about it because I felt he wasn't good at being empathic. He said oh, kisses me, and went to work.

I'm thinking about not working in the workshop today. I really don't have the energy, I'm very tired!

Ya know these FWS's drive me nuts! I just don't get it. They just don't seem to get it...exactly whats at stake...what they/we have to loose. Its like they are willing to do "whatever it takes" as long as its comfortable for them. I know change is not easy but man...what does it take to wake up and smell the coffe?

Just venting... I 'm frustrated w/ my FWH. He is away in Boston this week. He called the kids but didn't speak w/ me. So I called him and he was working on a presentation he needs to do for tomorrow. As I was talking I thought the phone had gone dead..." oh no, I'm still here, I'm just working on the computer." I replied "Well I guess thats more important to you than talking to me." and I hung up uuugghh!

OH, ChaCha! I'm not sure what to say on that one! Good thing is it's just today...tomorrow's a new one!

If it makes you feel any better I have wondered the same thing! I'm just doing the best that I can...Is your FWH PA too? Did I see that in one of your post?

I bought his lunch to FWH earlier. He asked why I was looking all depressed...I said I had a rough day and I was tired. He asked why I haven't been sleeping, I said I haven't slept since you started working nights.

Then, he says that it looks like he's going to be on nights for awhile, but hey at least he's making money.

That's his way of being concerned and comforting. Thing is I've always wanted more out of our R, felt I deserved more. On d-day, I told him that I deserved to be loved and if he wasn't willing to give that to me then there was someone else out there that would.

Well, I need to go fix a toilet seat in the kids bathroom. I hadn't planned on doing anything tonight but I've tried for two days to get it off. I'm fixing to try gets it off with the sawzall.

I'll be back around later, after I complete this task.

That's it, that's it, THAT"S IT! Ijust took two benadryl and I'm going to bed as soon as it kicks in. I go outside get the sawzall and walk into the boy's bathroom. YS (4) has wrapped a face towel aroung the faucet and the water is rushing under the faucet and into the cabinet! There is water all over the floor and everything in the cabinet is soaking wet.

I cleaned up as much water as I could, and called H! Told him what his child did...YS is all his daddy's attitude! FWH stops and starts telling OP in the background! Yes, it will be funny in a week, but I am so mad right now!

Not to mention the bottom piece of wood closest to the floor is soft! Needs to be changed. Does this come with the territory of raising kids? I have repaired SOOO much in the last year from them destroying stuff...the blinds, the ceiling fan, top rail of the bunk bed, the toilet seat...and a lot more that I can't remember right now!

The bad thing is they are good kids! I would hate to see have some other people's kids! I would kill them!

I told H, I have had enough of this day, I'm taking two benadryls and I'm going to bed!

You know what he did...he laughed! Yeah, I'm glad he can laugh right now! I said jokingly "Well you have fun missing all of this good dad stuff!"

He replied okay, you go get some rest! And said I should get the fan out of the workshop and dry the cabinet out!

I told him thanks and I didn't think about the fan! So, here I am! Calming down and trying to relax...

Good morning! Today is much better than yesterday! FWH bought me a Cappuccino this morning, second morning in a row! He said that every now and them I deserve something special. Before that I was saying that he could have brought me reg. coffee. That really made me feel good! There's that something I was craving yesterday!

YS messed up mom and dad's time this morning. FWH was trying to wake me up with my cappuccino and he was standing at the edge of the bed. I scooted over to the edge and low and behold who walks into our room then to the bathroom. After last night's water experience, I told them not to use their bathroom to use mine. SO, I messed that one up this morning! LOL

OH, FWH asked me this morning, "What did your bosses say with everything that went on (Talking about his A and me exposing to them) when you told them that I was going to work nights again?"

I said they didn't say anything they were just happy you didn't lose your job. He said I don't think that it would have gone that far.

Oh, remember I had told H last night: "Well you have fun missing all of this good dad stuff!"

I told him this morning, I sure hope that you didn't take that wrong. LOL He said "No, all I heard was great dad!" OKAY!

Come to find out, FWH's work has pushed the deadline back for the "wenches", so he'll be on nights alot longer. I tell you what has made me feel better, he's sticking close to home instead of running the roads like he use too! Actions do speak louder, and this morning's comment and question about something special and what my bosses thought topped it off.

Any ideas on the question about what my bosses thought in regards to FWH asking that? I thought it was a little strange for him to be asking that at this point...but then, again it's not like I've have to go thought this experience before. I did tell one of my bosses my concerns and why I felt that way about him working nights. SHe said that the difference now is that I will be able to notice the behavior change this time.

I said that she was right, I think I would be able to tell the difference.

OH, and FWH called me after I was asleep last night right before he went to lunch to check on us/me. We talked for about fifteen minutes about changing out the toilet and the vanity in the boy's bathroom as soon as we can. The toilet is this aweful blue-green color, along with the tub, and tile on the walls. DO you think it's time for a remodel?

Do you think that my comment to H about having empathy had something to do with his behavior? I know that is going to be a DJ, but I feel like I stuck my neck out when I told him that. Then, he called me, I didn't call him. That was cool!

So, here we are NC for 33 days, except for the wave, and I'm feeling pretty good I guess. Do you think that I will continue to have that fear of the A re-zooming for awhile? Is that something normal? To be fearful of it happening again...I mean that's where the comments about not being about to go through another one and going straight for D come from.

Yep.

Oh do you need more then a one word answer. LOL. Yes him working nights is a trigger. So you are dealing with the unknown and a trigger at the same time. Fun isn't it.

In many a sitch I have told my FWW isolated incidents are not important what is important is a CONSISTENT PATTERN of behavior. Up until this point you have only 33 days of a consistent pattern of behavior. That is not a long time at all. So every day there is NC he is adding to the duration of his consistent pattern of behavior.

That is important because any time a person exhibits that the more of a habit that pattern becomes to where they don't have to consously(sp) think about doing it or not doing it. It is just ingrained.

I will give you an example. Lets say HL is a letch, and I love to oogle women when I go to the beach with the family. I sit down and watch every honey go by. My FWW says she doesn't like it. All summer long we go to the beach and I do it. Winter rolls around no beach so no opportunity. Summer rolls around again and I want to go to the beach. FWW gets a pit in her stomach. We go and I do it again. FWW says see you are doing it. I say you know I haven't done it in 9 months. I am absolutely correct because we didn't go to the beach for 9 months.

What my FWW would need to see to feel safe is us going to the beach and me not doing it consistently. I should never do it again. I don't know how long it would take for her to feel safe but it wouldn't be just once. It might take all of this summer and half of next summer for her to see and feel safe to go to the beach without that pit.

What I am trying to say it is the pattern lasting long enough for you to believe it.

Now you and I both know right now you should be worried. It shouldn't consume you but your being worried protects you. Any little inconsistently you will investigate and verify. This will keep you safe.

He knows this as well so it will also help you stay safe. Stay that way until you have seen that pattern of behaviour.

There is nothing wrong with that at this point.

HL- I see what you mean! yesterday, I went home for lunch and his truck wasn't in the spot that it was suppoe to be in...when I left that morning. I got nervous, then I noticed the bikes weren't either, so I walked into the garage and noticed the ice chest. That's when I knew where he has gone, then, I felt comfortable.

Rindi .i guess it will not leave you for awhile so you have to expect it (thoughts) and learn how to control them for awhile. i guess.

I am not aware of the whole situation though....is he out of the fog?

nc007-I think so...I think that the question that he asked this morning is more proof that he is out of it. FWh said the day that he called OW and requested NC that he was getting rid of a problem.

I can tell you a mind is a terrible thing. LOL.

Nobody to this point has been able to explain exactly how the brain works.

Smell is one of the biggest memory stimulators. You smell a perfume your grandma used to wear and it triggers you to think of her. If it was a really nice grandma they are good thoughts. If it was the mean grandma you have bad thoughts and the feelings that go along with it. These thought can go all the way back to childhood.

When you see, hear, or smell something that reminds you of a traumatic experience it will bring you back to the experience. It is not your fault it is how the mind works.

What you know now is how to control your feelings based on those thoughts. You verify and move on. If you cannot verify you look to FWH to verify. If everything is on the up and up you move on. Done over finished.

BTW the empathize thing might have been a DJ. It may be true but you could have found a better way and time to discuss it.

Remember your I statements. I feel like when you do that, or act that way you are not empathizing. You need to corolate the statment to a specific action. Not a broad spectrum.

My FWW uses the words "never" and "always" a lot. The MC picked up on that and told her that is not a fair or true statment. It might happen a lot or it may not happen a lot but to say it always happens or it never happens is an untrue statment. Then he said something never happening almost never happens. I almost fell over laughing.

So your husband does probably empathize sometimes but you want him to do it more.

Hey, Rin.

Thinking about you ... sorry I haven't kept up as much recently.

I have to admit that the kids bathroom story made me giggle ... We've had destroyed bathrooms and walls and doors and carpets .... and all the other fun things that come with that age. These are the times you'll look back and remember. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Did the neighbor making your H lasagna bother you? I think that would have gotten to me a little, given her previous affection for him .... I bet there will be triggers for a long time, but I'm really proud of you being able to talk about it with your H. You're doing great. You're my idol!

Hang in there, the night shift stuff can't last forever, and you're smart and creative .... I just know you'll figure out ways to get lots of quality time in together.

-AmI.

HI, guys! Thanks for the posts. HL- I hear where you are coming from. AmI- I understand how busy you've been. I completely understand.

Both of you are doing well...that's good! Take care!

Short it's so short...just not up to it!

Hope that's 'cause you're snuggling and playing and enjoying your kiddos and making all kinds of progress on the garage. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

No brooding over DH, and night shift, right?

You're my hero!

-AmI.

NO, yesterday just wasn't a good day for me. I was thinking about what has chnged with me and I didn't really see anything.

I've been yelling at the kids again, typical of pre-D-day. I was thinking that I don't feel any different on this new meds and it's been a month. H even said this morning "what's wrong? You've been looking depressed here lately."

We talked a little and then, he said to go walk in the kitchen. I got up to go and he said "I didn't say stumble into the kitchen!" I got in there and ((((he made me coffee!)))) I was very happy! I thanked him so much, and told him I felt very loved and appreciated.

It was like having MY REAL H back, pre A!

I'm getting off work early today to spend sometime with him.

I just need to call the Dr., I feel like I'm no taking anything and would actually prefer to be on the Lexapro.

The last two nights I have taken two benadrly to try to sleep all night and it doesn't help, as least I don't think so. The first night I woke up 5 or 6 times, and last night I woke up I think twice.

The weather is great down here...hardly any humidity and last night it was in the 60's. I turned the A/C's off and slept like that!

I fixed the boy's toilet seat last night and OS climbed on the kitchen cabinet's to get the ketchup last night and riped off the vener on the counter. I was so mad. He asked if he should throw the piece away and I started yelling!

So, I get to add another something to my list. After the kids went to bed, I went hang out in the workshop. I hadn't planned on doing anything but I did. I sorted throught some misc. boxes and picked up what I could, then just sat there for a while.

I was thinking yesterday that doing these home projects when H is gone where it was a hunting trip for the weekend or when he was working nights is not much different for me. I enjoy doing the work, so in that regard I have in fact stayed true to myself. I really enjoy fixing things, the differnce is I haven't built anything like this before.

I guess what I do see different is when I walked into the kitchen, H was not to for behind me and I would have thanked him, but I heard one of you guys saying...Did you tell him that it made you feel loved and appreciated? Could it have been LA in my head?

I read here yesterday, but didn't feel like posting...still don't really...I looked up enmeshment, validation, empathy, and a few other things on the net yesterday. I haven't picked up my PA book, or any other book, perhap I need a break. I don't know! I also wondered if I was allowing the situation to be swept under the rug...wondering if I'm doing the right things to ensure an A proof M.

I haven't done any R talk and still have a few weeks until I'm able too, which is okay because I would hate to use the time that we do have together for that.

Basically, it's alot of thoughts about am I going in the right direction...H had said something the other day...I didn't caught it really...but it was something about me trying to change and not really doing it...

I didn't have time to ask him to repeat it and if I asked how he would remember...of course it doesn't matter what he said, it matter was I think and I can't pinpoint whether or not I see anything right now! I do know I'm doing the best I can to be grateful for everything and see the little things.

Oh, H handed me a snicker before he left yesterday...he rode his bike to work and when he went into his fork bag, it was in there...H handed it to me and said "OH, I bought this for you a week ago and forgot to give it to you."

I laughed and told him thank you! Then, heard LA in my head later saying "DID you tell him you felt appreciated?" No, was the asnswer, so I do see that!

Perhap I have reached a plateau!

Oh...it didn't bother me that HN offered H some food...I know she's not a threat...H has seems what she's capable of and has seen her little games.

Him being aware of what I saw makes the situation a lot easier...he thinks she's crazy!

So, that sitch is cool! I'm going to continue to handle it the way I have...from a long distance...the way I like it...equal to NC!