I don't know what I am doing any more. I have been staying away from this site thinking maybe it was keeping me from healing by opening the wound everyday. I have come here and read but just not as often and I have not posted.........But, today like before I need input from all of you. My H and I had our provisional hearing over a month ago and the judge wanted to take inconsideration our case and said he would rule later. Still no word from the court.....my H has quit paying any money and today when he called the kids I'm sure he tape recorded our conversation. He asked to speak to me....and wanted the kids Wed. I told him Tues. (I usually let him have them on the day he request,but I work Tues and I'm off Wednesday and Thursday.. I offered him Friday also. and he said why not Wednesday. and I told him I have plans with the kids. "Well, I have plans on Tuesday! he said. "This is the same ole story life revolves around what he wants, he didn't want them on Sat. of his weekend and only took them Sunday. I accomadate the times he wants to pick them up. I just haven't let them stay over night and he is punishing me and the kids by not paying any support. But , I'm trying to be the good role model here and despite all the crap being tossed my way let the kids see and talk to their irresponsible father and his woman. My heart was breaking today when he called and she got on the telephone and talked to my kids for 15minutes. what right does she have to call here and chat with my 4 and 5 year old. I am their mother and from what I hear from my attorney I have little rights to their upbringing from now on. Does anyone else have these problems......I know I am rambling but I am so heart broken, how do the rest of you work out visitation. I try to stay gone most of the time when he picks them up. But, I am starting to think he may try and use that against me in court somehow. You know he wanted this divorce and he wanted her why can't he just leave and go on his way.. He didn't worry about the kids when he started this affair,,,,why now.

I don't know about where you are at but here visitation and child support are completely different animals and have nothing to do with each other. That is not how it should be but it is. If a man fails to pay child the it becomes criminal. If visitation is denied then the only out is to file a contempt charge which is usually handled by the judge telling the accused "shame on you, don't do it again. Now come here so I can smack you on the hands with my ruler" Pitiful. Write down what you feel visitation should be and have him do the same. Try to meet in the middle and do not vary from this. It will help you in court. "Your Honor he was supposed to have them Sat and Sun but only got them Sun, that is not my fault, children should not be an inconvenience to there parents and he should get them when he is supposed to not when he wants to." Good luck, I hate this kind of situation.

I guess, I have steered this situation to every other weekend and one day during the week,, without putting it into writing, on the weekend he gets them then its the following Thursday,,, and then the off weekend he gets them on Tuesday. And before he started seeing them so much, it would go days between contacts, I insisted that he call on a certain day/night at a certain time that I would be certain to have the kids here. I told him he could call at other times also, but by knowing an exact time at least once a week, the kids would get to talk to him. Well, since he quit paying any kind of support, he calls almost daily or drops stuff off in the mailbox...suckers, candy, junk etc. for the kids., and I guess what really burns me, is he puts her on the phone when it's his kids.....he calls but she talks. And yes, support and visitation are two separate issues here also. I would feel different too. if he really couldn't afford anything support wise but he brings home 1,300.00-1,4000. biweekly. I think he could help support his kids alittle. My check makes the house and the car payment and buys a little bit of groceries. I want the kids to know their dad, I want him to help raise them, but from the man I have been dealing with the past year I am not sure I want them to be involved with him.....because he sure isn't acting like the man I married or fathered our children. He is irresponsible and a liar and who knows what else. Does this make a positive influence in our childrens lives. Sometimes I feel relieved when he doesn't get them,,, I know who is watching them and where they are. If it's his weekend who knows anymore..the kids said the other day he let them ride their bikes and nobody was watching them on the street, and wanted to know why I wouldn't let them ride on the street without somebody......they are 4 and 5. I don't think he would intentionally hurt them....he is just not of mental capacity to supervise himmself let alone the kids. He is in LaLA land.

cbs I do know how you feel It's like they get everything they want and if you object you're the bad guy. I don't understand why you don't have much say in their upbringing. You better have at leat joint legal guardianship over major decisions. I know you can't tell your ex how to bring up children. Unless what your attorney means is that since you will no longer be a married couple the State now decides what is right for your kids education, who should have what life insurance, etc. On of the suckiest parts of divorce is the things the State tries to enforce that they don't do for children of "normal" marriages.<P>Perhaps the OW is speaking to the kids to get you upset and is taping it. Ask your lawyer what rights she has when you aren't divorced yet!

If you go and file for a "legal separation" - there will be papers drawn stating the temporary visitation agreement as well as child support. Thats the first thing you need to do. If he does not pay support after its been awarded by the judge - you can either have him arrested for contempt of court ... or garnish his wages. I did this twice to my ex and it was so embarrassing to him that he hasn't chose to try that route again for 7 years. <BR>Its tough when there is another woman involved and you didn't want this divorce. If she had any brains, she'd be handling this better too. Obviously, she has no feelings and is very immature by being with a married man. <BR>I had to handle another woman with my children too ... and its not easy. The best thing for you to do is encourage them to see their dad, but I wouldn't go out of my way for him. Let HIM do some work. Handle the legalities of this first ... that way you don't get in any trouble. And, if he is taping you without your consent, I believe that is illegal.

Well, I did ask my attorney today if he can tape our conversation and in our state it is legal if at least one of the parties know they are being taped. I have been thinking about this..When he has the kids I am free to call there and talk to the kids right? Well, how would he like it if I had some guy chit chat with the kids while they were there? I won't but see what things these situations belittle us to childlike thoughts. As far as separation our divorce is to be final in a month. That is what the provisional hearing was suppose to be for....even my attorney doesnt' know why it has taken five weeks to hear something on a provisional. I don't know if I have a poor attorney or what , but she said she doesn't want to file anything else right now because one, it will cost me more money and two it will speed up the divorce. Which is what I am hoping will not happen anyway, but after hearing his voice today, and the last couple of times I have spoke with him, I'm sure there is no turning back now.. The 18th of this month it will be a year since he left the first time. I was sure hoping after reading the book we would be in recovery by now.

It's hard for me to give any kind of encouragement on this because I was where your H is about 5 years ago. Difference, I was never married to my daughter's mother. But when we split she demanded money from me and of course I wanted visitation. We both felt that the other deserved nothing. Sad. Anyway we went the hard way through courts and let me tell you I don't think the resentment will ever end. I pray it will, but..., the road was long and hard. I fought for every minute with my daughter. And the only regret that I have is the stupidity the my ex and I showed in front of her. Get everything in writing and finalized. If not for you then for the kids. You may not see it now but this may be for the best. I tell you this not to be negative but as a loving father in the same situation.

We are very careful in front of the children , they don't know their father is not supporting them financially and I let them visit usually without hesitation, because you are right the kids and the money is not a reason for nonvisitation. However you can bet if I didn't support my kids for a month with food and housing and clothing the authorities would have ME arrested for neglect, so why is he allowed to skate off with his girlfriend into the sunset, careful without a thought as to if his children are provided for without a backward glance, he isn't the one with bill collectors calling daily and utilities threatening to be shut off for back payment,,he isn't the one scraping for lunch money for the kids. He simply gets to live in his apt with his lover and her child which he isn't responsible for and he just assumes I can find resources to met all these demands. So, I'm emotional and finacially bankrupt. How can one person change so much, so fast?