I've been on these boards for a cpl months now, mostly in the general questions area.
Brief desc of my situation is:

My wife had an EA via email 3 months ago
I caught by accident and exposed her immediately.
It continued, and I caught her 2 more times before she finally ended contact.
The whole things is past us now, but in the 3 months since then, I have made every single change and effort that I could to make my wife happy. She claimed her EA was caused by her unhappiness in the marriage.

However, 3 months later, I approached her to tell her that in the last 3 months I have made particular changes that were meant to free up my time to spend with her.
This time was not used. All the other changes went unappreciated.
and most of all, she made no changes herself. That includes the fact that she didnt take advantage of my free time so to speak.

Present day:
2 nights ago I approached my wife to talk about her selfishness. I wont go into details, but I will say that our marriage before the EA, during and to this day has gone from her being unhappy, to being very happy (those are her words)
Problem is, i have gone from being "satisfied" to being "satisfied and resentful"

Resentful not because of the ea, but because I now know that my wife is a 10% taker and me being a 90% giver has been the only thing keeping us together.
Now that i am tired of 90% giver, I want 50/50 like it should be.

My wife understands this, and she also understands/admits that it isnt 50/50 because of her selfishness. (extreme selfishness)

2 nights ago, I told my wife that it needs to change.

My wifes words were, and she is sticking to them....

"I am selfish because I know what I want. I know I am far too selfish, but I always have been. and no, I will not change, i dont want to"

so, with that in mind, and all the stuff in the past that i havnt posted, i have abviously had "divorce" on my mind.

I mean that there is a possiblity that I, or even my wife might decide on a D in the future, so some things that I have been thinking of that worry me are as follows:

If we got divorced, my wife would almost certainly want to take our 3 kids and move 6 hrs away to live near her family.
My wife is a great mother. She has her downpoints, but we all do. So I sit here wondering to myself, "would I fight for the kids" and... "i shouldnt fight for them, they would be better off with their mother" or.. "do i think they should go with their mom just for an easy way out for myself??" or,, " joint custody??? or visiting rights... is one better or not for the kids ??"

and lastly,,
our financial set up is as follows:
I pay 100% of the mortgage/bills/food.
She pays her own car loan and whatever debt she racks up shopping, along with such things for he kids as school fees/supplies, clothes etc...

so, IF we divorced, that leaves me still with 100% of the mortgage/bills/food which would not change much. it may be about $1-200/month less for food, but thats about it. and after the bills I have almost nothing left. where does that leave room to help support my kids ???

Leaving my house and moving into a rental would not save anything btw.

Have you brought up the policy of Joint Agreement? If so, what did your wife have to say about that?

POJA won't work due to her extreme selfishness.

more details in othe rpost..
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=1#Post3072584

any thoughts on this "what if" post re: divorce?

Sure it will.

Practice this, I hear what you are saying, that you want... However, I am not enthusastic about doing ...

What would make me enthusastic about it is XYZ.

It's not your job to make her happy, just avoid being a source of unhappiness.

So don't compromise, but don't keep your position secret, tell her what you are willing to do and what would encourage your enthusiasm.

If she's not willing, she's not willing. But then that's your position too.

For you to stop doing things you are not enthusiastic about is not selfish. In fact, it's probably the most loving thing you can do for your family. If you are building deep resentments, that will kill your love.