Hello all,

I have another thread going on that you can access here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=1#Post3070768

I started this new thread so I don't deviate the focus of my main issues, but I wanted to gather your opinion if I should talk or write a letter to the OMW. My H already met with her in person when he revealed the A to her and I have been thinking about excusing myself and asking for forgiveness. I don't expect her to actually forgive me or anything like that, but I am not the type of person that I became and I think I owe this woman some type of apology. I am not sure how she would feel about it, but at least I would feel better about myself and I think my H will feel better too. Some may think that it is none of my business or that it is the role of her H to apologize, etc. But I want to know your opinion. If I should do it, what should I say to her? Should I write a letter and hand it to her in person, should I talk to her face to face?

Do it in a letter if you are going to do it, being careful not to call her honey, or dear or anything else which could be perceived as patronizing.

Don't ask her for anything, including forgiveness. This would put her in a position of having possible guilt if she doesn't want to forgive you.

Just state that you are sorry for the pain you have caused.

Maybe better post it here first.

Yes,

I think you should apologise to her because you have harmed her and it is the right thing to do.

She may or may not forgive you..but this isn't something you are doing for immediate gratification..it's something you are doing to change direction from being a person who does WRONG to a person of integrity and accountability.

People who take responsibility for their actions and seek to make amends where they can are people that I am able to respect.

Personally..I think it would be easier for HER if you wrote it in a letter it may be too much for her to see your face and the apology may need some processing.

As a BS I can tell you that for *me* a sincere apology from the OW would be both welcome and meaningfull.

Ok, I will do it in a letter, but I was debating if I should hand the letter to her in person or not. For some reason I am inclined to do it in person, but I am not sure how she will feel when she sees me or what I will feel. I don't have her mailing address, although I could try to find out. Also, what if the OM takes the letter and does not give it to her if I send it by mail?

noodle, that is what I want to do, take reponsibility for my actions and changing to a person of integrity and accountability.

What else should I say in the letter?

Thanks, HG

Hmmm...

I wouldn't want to encourage you to take any action that brings you CLOSER to their lives [especially so soon] such as seeking her out if you can avoid it.

You say that your H is on board with this plan?

Perhaps HE could search out her workplace or deliver the letter for you?

If you know her first and last name and the city that they live in it shouldn't be TOO difficult a task.

Ok, I understand. It is weird, but for some reason I want to see who this woman is. Anyway, my H is on board with this plan. He had actually suggested it some time ago, but now it was me that brought it up again. I feel some type of responsibility to do this. My H knows where she works cause he revealed the A to her by giving her a suprise visit there.

I can understand the drive to see her or to do this personally..I really can..the bottom line though is..am I making a WISE choice.

Who does that choice serve?

Your sincere apology is a good faith gesture..do not allow your curiosity to mar that and bring selfishness into the equation.

If it is going to be done..do it with the understanding that this will likely be a *traumatic* event for this woman..even seeing your H at her work [especially considering that he used that as exposure grounds] will likely raise her hackles and put her on the defensive.

She may be upset..angry..conflicted..who knows?

With that in mind I suggest that your H deliver it AFTER the work day has ended rather than before or during.

Be sure you don't ask for anything..and do not blameshift..just take responsibility and apologise for the harm.


It's a good thing you are doing Honeygirl..I think it will follow you.

Well said; same thinking here...

In person or not... I'm not sure though...
For me, it would be nice to see a bit of pain and discomfort and true remorse in her eyes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Just read the rest... listen to noodle - excellent advice.

HG,

You asked what to put in the letter.

I'm slightly at a loss..because I think if it is scripted..it will feel that way to her as well.

So..I've decided to share something with you..and hope that you will be able to use it as a tool rather than recoil from the harshness of it and try to deny it.

From OMW perspective/BS perspective...an affair is very akin to being raped.

Do you know what role that puts you in for her emotionally?

Go to this place if you will..

Someone has raped you..and later they are very remorsefull about it..they want to apologise.

Of course we would tell that person that this is the right thing to do..but how to do it?

How to apologise for an offense of that magnitude?

What would you want included in a letter from your rapist?

Then you admit that you have been tempted to do it in person partially out of curiosity. You want to see her.

Do you think that a rape victim should have to look at their rapists face or be confronted by them..even for an apology..even if they are truly sorry?

What you need to do when writing that letter..is be very carefull to be RESPECTFULL as a contrast to your disrespect during your A..and to approach her as your victim..because that is what she is.

There should be no rationalizations or expression of your feelings of loss..or dissappointment..or grief..or anything besides sorrow and remorse over what you have done to her..and how you had no right to do it..and will take every precaution to NEVER behave so disrespectfully again.

You really need to put the white kid gloves on for this one because while your goal is noble..the damage is probably beyond your ability to comprehand it..possibly ever.

I would mail it if I were you HG.

I would also ask for forgiveness - it is much more meaningful than just an apology. An apology is in order but I would also ask for forgiveness.

Certainly my wife asked OM'sH for forgiveness and apologised - she ignored the letter. OM also send me a letter apologising and asking forgiveness. It was meaningful to me - at least until he kept screwing around with my kids but that is another story.

HoneyGirl:

Up to this point on your other post I have been trying to quietly persuade you to see things in a little different light. Sorry if I am reading this wrong but I just don't think you get it yet. So here comes my 2 x 12.

In your other post you rationalize a lot of reasons why that you are even here but have yet to really get to real reason. During your A, you put your own needs, desires, wants, fantasies ahead of everyone else in this world. You committed the ultimate of selfish acts and for a time, you believed the world revolved around you. Now presumably you are trying to rebuild your marriage and repair the pain that you caused your BH and OMW. But at every turn in the road, one thing still comes up way to often...I....

Reread your post and count the number of times that you use the word I. Still the world in your mind revolves around you and what you need to recover and move forward. This and the other post is two steps forward and three steps back. It is time for a little radical self honesty and putting the needs of others way ahead of your own needs.

Do you owe OMW an sincere and heartfelt apology at some point...absolutely, that is the least that you can do for all the he77 that you have caused. But do you think she wants to recieve this apology in person even if it is in the form of a letter...I think not unless her intent is the beat the living daylights out of you. The farther you can remove yourself from OM and his family the better off that not only she is but that you and your H are.

Personally, I believe this desire to deliver the letter in person is driven by a need for you to "size up the competition" and try to find a way to repair your broken self esteem caused ultimately by OM's choice of her over you. I can see no benefit to you ever being face to face with her or him ever again. I believe that your posts are really only a facade to try and convince yourself and your BH that you are over this whole deal, when in reality, I believe you are up to your ears in fog and dwelling waist high in bull butter over your former obsession with this fantasy and your current loss.

Honey Girl, this post may seem mean spirited and heartless but I am really trying to give you an eye opener to try and find some ownership of your own actions and some compassion for the pain that those actions have caused others. My FWW and I are well along the recovery path now. Part of this was due purely to my willingness to forge forward each day regardless of how wrong it felt to stay the course. The other part is her ultimate willingness to sacrifice even things that she loved to do whenever she knew that staying away from that activity would help in my recovery. Our recovery was possible only because of her finally putting everyones feelings, needs and desires ahead of her own because she unfortunately had her time where the opposite was true.

NT <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I agree with nottoday. Please, don't see this woman in person. I don't want my H's OW within 10 miles of me. Post your letter her first, please. But let your H deliver it or mail it to her. Please, leave that woman alone. You don't need to see her face to face.

in my opinion, you are doing this for yourself....you said it would make you feel better and that you would like to see what she looks like

this is about YOU not about her......you are still putting YOUR wants and needs before hers....leave that woman alone

HG,
I understand your intentions .....and they are admirable.

Just not sure about how closely the actual intent....will end up resembling the desired OUTCOME (especially from OMW's viewpoint).

However,
if your determined to do this In Person ......are you at least going to give this poor Woman a bit of notice .........and NOT just "pop" into her day and Life OUT Of NO Where ????

I mean how heartless is it for YOU to be Totally Prepared and "ready" to confront her .......yet she is ONCE Again blind sided by your [mostly] selfish needs and wants.

I for one,
would NOT be receptive AT ALL ....if my W's CLB just decided to "show up" unannounced at my home, job, car OR "wherever"!!!

Believe me,
its gonna be hard enough for Her to have to Read the Stuff your going to write .....let alone having to have you There & IN Her Face.

Just for myself,
I'd be alot more comfortable dealing with the CLB's W (OMW).
Corresponding with the Other BS (although STILL uncomfortable) would be something I'd be willing to do.
However,
with the CLB himself ......NOT So Much.

Whatever you decide upon,
I wish you ONLY success in it turning out for the better for everyone involved.

Honeygirl,

You have no right to intrude on this woman's life, a letter (mailed) expressing that you are sorry for what you did to her is one thing, but to go to her in person is completely not okay.

Someday if she ever wants to approach you, that is entirely her right though.

You are the perpetrater, she is the victim.

Once you truly get that, you would never have the audacity to walk up to her in person. What a completely selfish and hurtful act that would be to her.

And she just may deck you.

Well said Weaver. My thoughts exactly.

all i want from the OW is that she goes away FOREVER! her apology would mean nothing to me....if you are truly sorry...your ACTIONS not your WORDS are what she will appreciate

stay out of their lives FOREVER starting TODAY

no calls, no letters, no visits

just disappear so they can try to forget you ever exsisted

that is the unselfish....hard....respectful thing to do

When OW called me and said

"What can I do to make this up to you?"

my response (completely serious)

pay back half of what my husband spent having this affair

she hung up

LOL

Pep

stay away from her. Period.