I'm not sure if we're in what's considered the "early years" anymore. We're supposed to have our 5 year anniversary in September, but my husband has changed so much in the last 2 years that he wants to divorce me. I don't know what to do, I don't know what happened. All I know is he says he's "unhappy" which I don't see as real "grounds" for divorce. I told him I'd be willing to work on it and do whatever it takes to make him "happy" and that "happy/unhappy" are just temporary feelings. He has his mind made up though. I just don't understand, when we got married 5 years ago I never dreamed this would be happening. Neither of us even believed in divorce as an option back then, and I still don't. He has turned his back on his family, his old friends, my family, and now me. He spends every night in the bar running "bar league poker tournaments". He comes home after midnight smelling of beer and cigaretts. (he didn't smoke when we got married, then decided to pick up the habit a year ago despite how he knows that I hate it) Is there anything I can do to change his mind?? What should/can I do?? I love him very much and KNOW that if he'd just try to make this marriage work we could...but he won't try. I'm so sad and confused. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> please help. please pray for us.

I was married for five years and together for over seven with my former wife. She too changed alot over the course of our relationship. So much so I didn't know who she was anymore. The kids and myself would end up in the basement most of the time because Mommy was cranky. She went from having no tattoos, no piercings, good morals, to getting tattoos, having a piercing, and hanging out with younger women who cheated on their boyfriends or husbands. She thought this was funny. No matter what I tried nothing seemed to work.

My advice to you is don't try to change who you are or what you believe in. Because in the long run if it does end up in divorce you will greatly resent your former spouse and yourself even more. This can make you a very bitter person.

It sounds like your husband is the one that has changed and you need to ask him why he is doing these things now and why he didn't do them before? Ask him what makes him unhappy about you, and don't argue just listen. If you argue and get upset it leads to more hurtful words and closes communication even further. I know it will be hard if he is saying things that you don't agree with or don't feel are true but just listen and try to understand where he is at. If he has been drinking and has a drinking problem his thinking may not be completely logical which may also be contributing to his behavior now as opposed to before.

The most important thing to keep in mind here is your health. I know this sounds harsh but you will have to go on with or without him. Marriage needs to be supportive by both sides, if one side is unwilling then you can't force it. The best thing you can do is to pray about the situation.

I hope my two cents helps. I wish I could have done these things in my marriage, perhaps it could have turned out differently. However, I am a believer in God and believe that he allows everything to happen for a reason. Good Luck and God Bless.

blindwillsee

Dear firefly0214,

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. You might be able to lead your husband to counseling by saying "I love you and want our marriage to work, I understand you want a divorce, so I've arranged for some divorce mediation counseling sessions."

In those sessions you can both make your feelings clear. Maybe there's an "excitement" that he sees missing in his life with you. Maybe he really likes "running" the poker tournaments. Does he have leadership positions elseswhere? Maybe people laugh at his jokes at the bar and he feels like one of the boys? Like he belongs. Maybe there are other underlying issues that would come out in "pre-divorce counseling."

My wife started exhibiting very negative characteristics when we got married. It is passing. I don't know if that would happen for you.

I will pray for the two of you,
D--