I tried posting in Recovery, since that used to be my "home" but since I received little response, I'll try over here. Maybe someone here has some insights or has dealt with something like this? I would appreciate your comments and any advice you have.


We had been doing the recovery route for more than 3 years and had apparently been making progress. OW is history. The kids never knew about the whole mess and seem to be quite happy with a father who spends more time with them. I thought that I was doing pretty well. There were still things that bothered me but it was more about trouble relating to my H and he to me--"normal" marriage issues.

Then out of the blue it seemed, I found a naughty blog that my H had just started--complete with pictures and basically an advertisement for anyone interested in that sort of crap. I was floored and horrified. We immediately started hashing it out and I told him how much it upset me, how dangerous it was and, by the way, how dare him do that. He took down the webpage and started going thru the motions of getting some help thru our church.

A month passed and again I made a discovery. He was entertaining an obsession with something that could be easily bought and of a sexual nature. He blew at least $300 on it and was lying and sneaking around to do it. I was so angry. He got rid of it all and swore "never again".

Until this past week. He lied and sneaked around some more and wasted more money. He recognizes it as wrong but it's not enough to stop him. I'm so hurt by how he can put up a front that nothing is wrong and be all cheerful and "normal" when he's deliberately deceiving me.

At this point I am just sick. I am repulsed by his behavior. I hate that he lies to me. We can never have a healthy relationship without trust and now I don't feel that I can trust *anything* that he says--he's proven to be a master deceiver. He's all sad and sorry and droopy now and wanting to seek comfort from me. I don't want to give it. I feel that he's taken advantage of me and all the efforts that I put into trying to make our M work.

So what happens now? Am I an enabler for his behavior? Are we stuck in some kind of co-dependency? I thought that I couldn't tolerate this but after thinking about it alot I don't think I would divorce over this. *But* if we continue on like this (if he periodically goes nuts and gives into his obsessions), our relationship will disintegrate and we may as well be separate.

What are my choices here? I'm feeling very muddled.

(((((((((((((damsel)))))))))))))

Sadly, as I think you suspect....you are dealing with a bigger problem than just the past affair. The affair may have in fact been a symptom of what is looking more like a sexual addiction problem at this point. Unless that is addressed....your husband will continue to feed his purient interests at your expense. Addictions escalate and recur. Promises and MB don't work with addictions....because addicts are incapable of POJA. I'm confused about why you feel this isn't important enough to merit thoughts of divorce.....I can't imagine anything much more painful than living for years wondering when the next incident will arise and how this addiction will manifest in the future. Please look into Sexual Addicts Anonymous (SAA) and find out what help is available for couples in your situation.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I responded on to your thread on the IR board - Dru

Sounds like he has some sort of sexual addiction or whatever it is that porn people suffer from. MB methods cannot handle this fully - if at all. He may need professional help. Suggest you research sexual addictions and see what matches his behavior. This is about him, not about you.

JMHO

My husband is in counseling for sexual addictions. If you/he are open to Christian counselors, they are a great help. My husband is really learning a lot from this guy. I strongly recommend it.

If you are a Christian you can also look into the Every man's Battle weekends. Everymansbattle.org

Thank you for your replies. I'm already starting to think about all of this in a different light and am beginning to see it for what it is.

starfish--

You said

It's because I'm still living in la-la land--thinking that somehow we'll be able to keep functioning as a "happy family" and that the kids will be unaffected and my H will stop what he's doing. But I'm seeing that as these episodes occur, it erodes my relationship with him and in reality, it will affect the kids and everything about us. Also, I've been forgetting about the escalation factor--that is horrifying.

worth--


Yes, I see that more and more. He has even recognized that to a degree--that it doesn't matter how well I'm doing as a wife. This is his thing. I have nothing to do with it.

traveled and faithful--

We are open to Christian counseling. He has been getting involved in a men's group at church but I think he needs something more one on one. It's easy to hide in a group. I think that one of the books they plan to cover is Every Man's Battle but he needs it now, not in a few months.

Thank you all for your responses. I really needed them.

At the risk of offending some here, he needs professional help. If he can get actual, professional help thru a church, terrific. But more often than not, religious based help doesn't hack it for medical problems like his.

You shouldn't get marriage advice from a lawyer.
You shouldn't get legal advice from a marriage counselor.
You shouldn't get moral advice from a doctor.
You shouldn't get medical advice from a religion.

JMHO

WAT