Two monthes ago I found out about my wife's affairs. I posted details in Just Found Out. We are seeing a counselor every other week. Two questions. Her first affair started around Mid-January and ended in Mid-March. We were getting along fine...no clues. They stopped because he got caught with another woman and he had a target on his back. She then took up with another guy we both know and she had been talking to a lot since January. It lasted until caught last week of May.She says they felt like one affair. Says nobody understands that. I'll be fair and ask.....Should be looked at as one affair? Any thoughts?
Next question. Is it typical for the wayward spouse to say or do things emotionally and physically with their cheating male friend that were never expected or made clear they would not do with you? Do I chalk it up to "The heat of the Moment?" Should I just understand that it's typical in these cases? We have been married 16 years. thanks

I think that it is pretty normal for the WW to be "outside of themselves" while participating in an A. This would include activities that they would not even consider with you. I am not sure this is heat of the moment, but an A is a fantasy afterall and it is probably percieved as an opportunity to participate in ways that they would be too embarrassed,etc to do with a relationship that is truly intimate. Not sure I have any good answers for you on the back to back A issue. I would personally have a little problem with this explanation just as you are but I have learned through my recovery that there is much about a WW that just defies explanation.

NT

Time,

Welcome to GQ....sorry you're here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

She says they felt like one affair. Says nobody understands that. I'll be fair and ask.....Should be looked at as one affair? Any thoughts?

My thoughts are that she is trying unsucessfully to hedge or minimize the seriousness of a "pattern" as opposed to an event. Don't buy it chere. A "series" of affairs is more serious than a single affair....the good AND bad side of that is that it may be LESS about the individuals or "soul mate" mentality than it is about a void in your wife's life....or worse...in your wife's character and morals. It looks to me....like she's trying to lessen the impact of making the same mistake twice. What she's probably being HONEST about however, is that the same feelings of disatisfaction, unmet needs, or low self value created the SAME desire to have an affair....but the affairs themselves are NOT the same. Does that make sense?

Next question. Is it typical for the wayward spouse to say or do things emotionally and physically with their cheating male friend that were never expected or made clear they would not do with you?

Typical? I don't know....common? Yeah. Affairs are based on fantasy, so it isn't uncommon that while involved in affair inhibitions and morality are out to lunch.

Do I chalk it up to "The heat of the Moment?" Should I just understand that it's typical in these cases? We have been married 16 years. thanks

I think rather than "chalking it up" you might want to face the reality that your wife is looking for more excitement than she feels she's getting in her marriage. Look realistically at how comfortable YOU are about helping to find excitement WITHIN the marriage. Is your love life ho hum? Boring? Where are your boundaries about exploring racier sexuality. I know for me....I'm willing to entertain most things....but I'm not interested at all in "opening" my marriage to other people or to painful practices.

Talk some more about your marital history, religious beliefs, and anything that might help us understand your marriage more clearly. Are you two in counseling? Have you agreed on a recovery plan? What kind of accountability does your wife need to give you to ensure your safety and that she won't recontact her affair partners or find a new partner?

Have three kids. Always gotten along. Never any sex issues. She works outside the house. No $ issues. I have my own biz and am the primary caregiver. Been with each other nearly 20 years. Both Christians. We are going to a christian councelor. She has said it was because they showered her with attention and all sorts of compliments on looks. Said I didn't do that enough. She has flirted in the past, but said nothing ever came of any of those. We both had full trust and faith. She has said it was her fault and mentioned something about the grass being greener...... and it was not. I discovered the second one, then a week later the first one. All I can think of for now. thanks

Time,

Do YOU think lack of compliments (filling the needs for admiration and affection) is reason enough to cheat? I sure don't. Make sure that your wife knows that while you take some responsibility for the vulnerability or the marriage....that she doesn't blame her poor judgement on YOU because the affairs are 100% her fault.

With multiple affairs....I think the recovery and accountability measures need to be stronger. What is SHE doing to make you feel safe? Has she opened her life to you? Is she accountable for time and money? Has she shown remorse and is she enthusiastic about going to MCing? Are you certain she's ended contact?

I would like to offer you a different spin on the interpretation of what has happened.

You didn’t mention it, but I bet that your wife will tell you that men were not your equal. I will hazard a guess that she has told you that she loves you but never really loved them and never had any intention of leaving the marriage. Am I close?

She sees her multiple affairs as one single event because to her the gratification from those affairs provided her with the same thing, a stroke of her ego. Her appearance is likely important to her and she welcomed these outside compliments.

Of course her affairs were never designed to hurt you as you were never supposed to discover her actions. In her mind the addictive nature of the outside compliments were for her private use. They were for her private playground and with them she did not need to look to you for validation.

Of course she did hurt you and I will guess that the results of her discovery is a bit of a crushing blow to her, especially as she sees what the effects of her actions has on the man she really loves, you. She is understanding much of this in the wake of the discovery.

There is good news in all of this and that is that your wife’s withdraw is quite a bit different then for many of the wayward spouses. She can likely easily walk away from these men and reengage with you in the marriage. Of course, it won’t be that easy, there are consequences resulting from her actions.

In view of all this the road to recovery is still a long and difficult one. Your wife will need to do all the things necessary to keep you safe. It is extremely important that she devises a plan that will GUARANTEE that you will never need to worry about her engaging in dangerous behavior again. That is her job and her gift to you.

Mr. G

Mr. G.....I felt the same way you did....but didn't explain as well as you did....well done. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I too believe that the positive side of this is that the affair partners were not real love interests/soulmate material....they were filling a void in her life.

Mr G

You just said exactly what my FWH said about his A.

Nearly word for word.

Wow.


I am 10 months from d-day. His withdrawal was nearly nonexistant. About a month of fog-talk, justification, trying to explain to me what he was thinking (which, basically, he apparently was thinking........exactly what you said, plus unencumbered sex with someone other than the same-old-same-old me).

I need to read this again and again, because I just can't process it in one read.

SB

Not every affair follows the pattern of a wayward spouse unknowingly finding him or herself immersed in an affair before they knew what him them. Some peruse these activates simply because a.) they feel good, b.) the WS somehow feels shortchanged in the marriage or c.) they create rationalizations in their minds that give them permission.

Almost never are these types of affairs meant to hurt anyone. They are meant to be solely harmless activities of lust or ego stroking carried out in stealth. Of course, they never turn out that way, far from it. Instead, they become life altering events.

I suppose that is why it becomes so important to extend the WS a second opportunity. I think quite often the WS’s discovery at the harm that their actions cause gives them direction to change their life. It would be a shame for a BS to miss out on that.

The question that Time4time must ask himself is, “Who am I married to?” His wife must help him to answer the question but he must be diligent to insure that he knows the answer to the question, both today and tomorrow. Yesterday was the teacher; did his wife learn anything from “yesterday”?

Mr. G

Wow....Sounds like you know the situation. Really good explanation. Should I ask her to read this? Not sure if she will, but would it help the situation? The whole thing is just an absolute shock. Hard to get past the obvious betrayal, physical and emotional part too. Sounds as if most affairs begin as emotional then, for some reason, turn physical. She made it clear to both that she wasn't leaving me or the kids. thanks

By all means share the opinions and views of the wisdom that populates these pages. Both of you can have the opportunity to benefit from first hand experience. I think it must be more difficult for a wayward spouse to read here as the most productive gift to give to a wayward spouse is a looking glass. It is almost never a pretty image that stares back. However, once they see the truth of the reflection things will most certainly improve. Not all can see, not all will look.

Mr. G

She looked, read and understood. All good insight.
Next question. We will see the other two "men" from time to time in our community. Sporting events that our kids are in, functions etc. One of the "men" is married and now moved out with another woman and will be served papers soon. Two questions. Do I keep my distance from them at events and monitor my wife? How should I conduct myself when they are there? Should my wife not go to these events? Said she stopped all contact with them and has for last 3 mos. Next.....She has not told the other "man's" wife. Should she in this case? Could be discovered anyway. Thanks for all the help.

Short and simple, NO F'kg CONTACT, No talking, no writing, no sightings, NO NOTHING. Is there something confusing about this concept?

If these men are typically at community events then find a new community to live in. I know that a sound harsh but that is what it takes. I assure you that you will live in fear with these men strolling around sniffing the air.

NO CONTACT is the best gift your wife can give you.

As for how you might act...

Calmly walk up to either one, and firmly bite them in the jugular vein. JUST KIDDING.

Ignore them. Stay as far away as possible. Save your marriage and let them and the memories begin to fade and fade...and....fade.......and fade......and......

If there is no contact then there is no need to say anything to the other man's wife. Ignore them. Live your life without them being a part of it. You and your wife will have your hands full enough without stirring more drama up with the OM's wife, especially if no contact is already in place.

Mr. G