Hey all!

It's been a long time since I've posted. 3 months after I fully disclosed my A, H asked me to leave. H and I have been seperated since March 2005. H filed for D in January 2006 and we've been marching in that direction. I, at first, dragged my feet as I really felt our marriage could be saved since the A was purely fantasy, and I had owned up to everything was remorseful was dedicated to repairing our M etc.. But weeks after I moved out of the house, H started "dating" his ex-wife, they went to Europe and now she is moving up from LA to SF (where we live).

The continuation of his relationship with her has been very difficult for me to see any hope. H has always been very negative about everything and is predictably negative about our relationship. He says we aren't good for each other, he can't forgive me etc. I plan A'd for many months - received him with open arms after his European vacation with her, and after several visits he made to her home in LA. But now that she is moving up here - well, I really can't see us reconciling.

So my question to you all is: I see that there is a marriage builders workshop in SF next weekend. Do you think I should suggest it as one last gasp? Over the past 18 months, I've suggested it probably 10 times. But I'm feeling compelled to do it ONE MORE TIME.

Our marriage seems so far gone. However, we still care for each other and enjoy each other's company and go to dinner or do something fun at least once a week.

What do you have to lose? Worst he can do is say "no".

HL

hope... I would say whatever you have to do to be sane and happy if you can continue to fight for your marriage you must. Not his choice, its yours. If in ten years you are divorced will you be happy that you tried everything to save it.

Why did he divorce his first wife?

Is this another fantasy?

Will he not loose interest in her after romantic love dissapates and reality sets in?

Its your choice to stay available for him, don't let his actions hurt you though, as they are actions of an alien.

Thanks for your responses....

I think he initially got back together with his 2nd exwife (I'll be his 3rd if we divorce), primarily to get back and me, and to have sex with someone new (kinda new I guess). I think he still gets together with her, because there isn't anything else going on - I'm sure not having sex with him!

We got together today. Again, it was nice and fun. No talk of divorce, relationship etc. He's happy with the way things are (I guess). For me he'd have to make me believe that he wanted our marriage and was willing to make the changes and committments to make it work. My heart tells me we can't or won't do that - too lazy, selfish or something. I guess he likes his porn, drinking and variety in sex partners more than he liked being married to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Again, Saturday a nice outing to the farmers market. We got back to his place and I gave him a scalp massage - he loves that. He wanted to make love - and I refused him. Later he said via text that I should have stayed...and "taken off my pants"! I baited and said - oh love are you trying to tell me that you value our marriage and have considered all of the work and committment we would need to accomplish to be happy?

He responded that he had considered it - but he didn't want to talk about it via text messaging. I reponded that I would very much like to talk more about this.... I never heard from him all day Sunday...so there's my answer.

Today is Monday, and everyday this week, I'll measure my feelings as to if I want to ask him to attend the MB seminar (again for the 10th time)..but this AM it feels fruitless.

thanks for listening. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Ask for yourself. You value MB and believe it will help your M. If he refuses to go when it's in your backyard, you have your answer. If he attends but shows no interest, you have your answer. If you attend and know that you have done all you can to salvage your M, then that may be just what you need.

Well the weekend is over and no - we didn't go to the MB seminar. Sunday we went to dinner together. We were both looking forward to it but when he arrived I could tell he had been drinking. This is a major major problem for me. I suffered through the night, trying to stay up and nice. He signed over the car to me - a very generous gesture, but I would have traded it for his arriving sober.

His generosity with material things seems to have given him permission to take a pass on having to meet any of my other needs.

I'm accepting that the marriage is over. I still get sad. I need to have things finished up so I can move on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hope,

Did you tell him you would rather have had him sober than have the car? Do you communicate to him the things you feel open and honestly? I know that a major mistake I made during my marriage and even after my separation is the belief that she should have just known what I was thinking. I wonder if he could better meet your needs if he knew what they were. In any event, my heart goes out to you. If you have any strength left in you at all don't give up hope! You have the rest of your life to move on, don't get started too soon!

Peter