Hello:

I visited this forum several years ago when my husband secretly tried to find a girlfriend on a side. He found one but their relations didn't last long. Since then I keep discovering that he tries to find somebody online. He frequently chats on the Internet and when I discover he stops for a while and then starts again. He even had couple of meeting for the last year. I am tired of it and don't trust him at all. The worst thing is that I don't have any wish to work on my marriage with him. He again promissed that he will not chat anymore, but I can't live whole my life near person whom I always should check what he is doing at each moment. How long do I have to live with him and check up on him? This is too much work and time wasted on him. I feel like I don't love him anymore even if he says that he stopped chatting.
He even read some of the Dr. Harleys book. But then said that all these advices are for doing work together. But what if I don't want even to work with him on the marriage because I am very tired of his lies.
Have you ever felt this way and what did you do?
Is it worthy to keep such marriage?
Thank you for letting me to vent.

Welcome back. How is the rest of the marriage? I read on your first post that you called 911 on him for beating your child. Is that still going on? Does he threaten or hit you?

Tanya, if all you want to USE the MB site to do is to "vent," then feel free to do so. It won't help much other than to perhaps make you momentarily "feel good," but it won't do anything to help you solve your marital problems.

Either you commit to implementing the MB concepts or you don't. Either you sincerely ask for advice that will help your marraige, or you don't.

But 16 posts in 5 years indicates a complete insincerity on your part for REAL help, and you just want people to sympathize with your "plight."

So, doing it "your way" is your option. But here's one thing you might want to consider as you decide what you DO want: The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome.

Unless there is REAL change, there will be no change.

So, given your propensity for "venting" as opposed to "working on real change," let me offer the following two scenarios that will "work" for your unchanged situation:

1. Continue "as is," kidding yourself that things will change magically on their own,

2. Divorce the clown who thinks his "feelings" are all the justification that he needs to do whatever he wants to do.

Neither one of you seems to have much understanding about what marriage should be or what being married MEANS as far as self-sacrificial love, let alone "Forsaking ALL others...."

No time to "play games" with the insincere. So that's all the "advice" that will be offered.

Good luck on your marriage or your divorce, whatever you think will make you "feel better."

this might be a record low average!



Here's what I'd do .... I would devise a PLAN to get out of the marriage ... just get everything lined up

and then

once you are ready

don't launch the plan

tell your H about your dilemma

[color:"blue"]"I am miserable. You don't seem happy in this marriage either.

Here are my options as I see them:

1. Stay with the status quo & remain miserable for the rest of my life.

2. Launch my plan to escape this marriage by divorcing you and starting off on my own.

3. Jointly work on this marriage with you by going to a Marriage Builders Weekend and working the MB program to build a mutually happy marriage.

I am going to make my decision in one week.

Let me know which of the three options you think would be best.

I will listen to your input before I make my decision." [/color]

Then, whatever he does or says ... don't argue with him.

Just let him think and talk and whatever he needs to do ....

then YOU decide after one week which option you choose.

All 3 are valid options for you.

You can only choose #3 with his cooperation.

I don't think he's a bad man.

I don't think he's happy in this marriage .... so you two have THAT in common!

I think he might be lazy and unmotivated to make any changes.

You can provide the motivation.

But, you must first be honest with yourself ... you cannot do this if you are not ready to make a choice on your own.

nothing quite as STUCK as 2 conflict-avoiders!

Pep

PS.......

If you choose option #1

you forfet all rights to complaining about your situation ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If you choose #1 .... you do the best you can with what you've got, acknowledging you have made your choice knowing the limitations of the marriage.

Pep

Pep, all good ideas but they require two things it does not appear that Tanya is ready to make:

1. A commitment to CHANGE;

2. The commitment to actually IMPLEMENT, the "option" her husband chooses. In addition, if he "won't choose," then she has to be ready to ACT on HER choice for herself.

I just don't see that level of commitment yet. I see "drama queen" and "come sympathize with my plight." We can symapathize all day long with her but it won't CHANGE anything.

So hopefully Tanya will take what you said to heart and actually find the strength to take a stand FOR her marriage and FOR herself against selfish self-indulgence and a lack of commitment to the marraige by her husband.

She & her H have that lack of committment to change in common, don't they !

Hi tanya,

Your English is very good, but it's not your first language. Do you live in the US with an American husband, or are you and your husband both from another country?

I know you are in a really tough spot. You have three children....one is only a few months old. Your husband's Internet activities have not ceased, in fact they seem to have escalated. He's had mulitiple affairs.

Under normal circumstances, I'd tell you separate from your husband until he can demonstrate consistently that he can address is sexually addictive behavior and anger management....but I don't know what kind of resources you have and if that's possible.

If you're alone in the US (far from family) and aren't working, you may feel stuck and powerless and so I need to know what your situation is and if you have some options besides living with him. If you don't....one of the first things you may need to do is to do some research and get some finances in place. You've made threat after threat about leaving if he continues this behavior....and haven't followed through. Is that because you love him and don't want to leave....or is that because you can't leave?

I don't know if your husband is capable of change....but I suspect that unless you have some independent options, and intend to follow through on your threats....he will keep doing the same thing.

So talk a little bit about what options you have if you decide to leave. Because of your 911 call....I'm worried about your safety. Has he continued to be violent or abusive through these years too?

(((((((((((((((tanya)))))))))))))))

tanya.....I hope you'll come back and fill in some more details and maybe explore some options. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Don't give up and don't disappear.

wow.. i cant believe the "blame the victim" stuff that I see here.

Judging only by this thread here, it sounds to me like TGov is frustrated, lost, and tired. I think that pepper's advice sounds excellent.
The one problem is that maybe he has an internet addiction. Or maybe a relationship/sex addiction(?)
The tricky part is in determining whether he is unsatisfied with your relationship, and that's WHY he's looking elsewhere... or whether he's looking elsewhere just because he's selfish/addicted.

I think the two situations require different handling.

If the reason he's looking is because of your relationship, then ideally, you would go through the whole EN/LB, etc thing with him.
Otherwise, probably some other site might be better for internet addiction. dunno.

HOWEVER:


Often, the WS is in this type of condition. no feeling of love left, no desire to work on the marriage.
Remember that after sticking to the love bank, no LB, etc, things get better for them. they could get better for you too.

If he *truely* wishes to work on things with you... i say, give him a chance for a month. Dont bother checking on him for that month. It sounds like you're tired of doing that anyway. Just focus on the two of you, and whether you feel he is making an effort. let him drive it. Let him prove to you whether he is serious or not. Let him work for it.

It sounds like maybe he is waking up a bit and actually wants to improve things between you, but you are too drained to try/believe him. he has read the book(s), and recognises to some extend what it's going to take to do it. So, let him put in the energy to kickstart things between you. (but hopefully, you'll help do your part to some degree. no LBs at least)
You might even tell him that. dunno.

After that month, maybe you'll feel a bit better, and a bit more secure about where he is mentally. If you do.. THEN maybe check up on him a bit more, if you feel he is worth it, and continue the MB plan.
If you dont feel secure that he's really trying, then maybe it's a better time for pepper's plan.

bumping for tanya <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

techie - with all due respect, no one (I assume you were referring to Pepperband and myself) is "blaming the victim."

You may need to go back, step back, whatever it is called, but here's the fundamental truth in this particular situation.

It's been 4.5 years since she first registered here. Suffice it to say that BEING here helps no one.

It takes commitment and action, which she has demonstrated none of.

She IS a victim of her husband's abuse and selfishness, but she has been "allowing it" by NOT proactively doing anything.

There is an old saying that is not theologically correct, but that has some practical merit, "God helps those who help themselves." If one will not DO anything, but steadfastly continues along the same path, WHAT help can we be other than a "shoulder to cry on?"

NONE of us can "make" her do anything. That desire and that choice has to come from within herself.

So what Pep and I were saying is she will get tons of help from many here on MB if she wants that help. But there are too many who ARE trying and who are needing help to spend precious time trying to help someone who doesn't even appear to want to help themselves. That is NOT "blaming the victim." That is calling "the victim" to no longer accept the "status quo" and to begin to make REAL CHANGES that are beneficial for herself and for her marriage.

But your offering of advice to her is good. I only hope that she chooses to listen and decides to implement some changes in her life.

God bless.

FH,

You might be right....I just don't know. I'm a little concerned that more questions weren't asked/answered....we really don't know alot. I'm also concerned that with an infant, two other very small children, and abuse issues that she may feel trapped. The language barrier is another concern....and it's easy to misinterpret personality when the poster is translating into English. That might even account for the small post number to some degree....it's hard to read and write in a different language, after living so much overseas....I remember how exhausting it can be. None of her posts got very many responses either. I guess I'm just not ready to make a judgement about her yet without more information. I really hope she comes back.

Starfish - and you could be right. All we have to "go on" is the posting history and what is said in the posts.

I went back and read all of her posts before responding orginally. So let me ask you what conclusion, not "judgment," you would arrive at with 14 posts in 2002 and nothing since then until the 2 this year?

I hope she comes back too, but I'm not betting on it. Nothing much seems to have changed in the 4-5 years since her original posting. She calls the cops on his striking their child and she drives by here calling for help, as if someone OTHER than herself can "Fix" her marital problems or "force" her husband to change his behaviors. Not going to happen, imho, so the only point, not "judgement" that I am making is that none of us can help her if she is not willing to help herself by changing her failed behaviors and actually implementing changes that will help her, and possibly help her marriage. None of us "likes" infidelity or abuse in a marriage, but all anyone here can do is make suggestions, the person has to implement them. I, and this is an "assessment, a judgment," or whatever term one wishes to apply to it, believe that she is a very weak, very dependent, individual who is more afraid of losing this abusive husband than she is in fixing the problem, even if it means divorcing him and perhaps finding someone else who IS more "marriage material."

I see nothing of faith in her postings, so the only "standards" likely to be in operation are whatever each of them wants them to be for themselves. Obviously, whatever they ARE, they are incompatible with a sound and loving marriage as they are each doing whatever it is they want to do with little regard for each other.

I hope she does come back and I hope she does find the "backbone" to stand up for "right and wrong," but time will tell. Right now, I see no reason for her husband to want to change his behaviors and I don't see her wanting to change her own behaviors. She wishes it were different in her marriage, but seems to take no action to help those wishes come true.

God bless.