I am writing this in desperate hope for advice. I have been reading a lot of the posts and articles on this website and it has helped me a lot already. None of my friends or family can honestly understand what I am going through but the people on these boards can definitely understand and hopefully give me some help.

My wife and I have been married for 8 years and we have 3 fantastic kids, 6,4 and 2. About a year ago, my wife started spending more time away from home in the evenings. I thought that this was a great thing as she had spent the better part of 6 years staying at home with the kids. She started a job working part-time overnight at a local grocery store to help make ends meet. I started feeling like she was spending more and more time outside the house and less and less time trying to be an active member of our family. I initially gave her the benefit of the doubt and my total support as she was coming out of the baby bearing years and needed to spread her wings a bit more. But as time went on, I felt like she was getting more and more distant. I felt that both the kids and I were and inconvenience to her and that we, especially me, were dropping lower and lower on her priority list. At the same time, our almost non-existant sex life had become much, much better. (She had gained a lot of weight with our first child, had a bad body image and no drive to speak of)

About 3 months ago I really started asking her what was going on. I new that we were drifting apart and didn’t understand why. She never conveys her thoughts and feelings well, but I usually am able to sense something is wrong with her and I can get her to talk it out. Well this time, she tells me with tears in her eyes, that she is not sure that she is still in love with me. I asked her flat out if there was someone else and she said no. I took it hard. After a day or two, we talked and tried to come up with some things that would bring us closer together. That worked for a week or two, but then I would sense the same drifting feeling again. I was cold and she would want to make love. This would go on for a couple of weeks. My wife had occasionally written in journals about her feelings and such, but she said that it was always for her eyes only. I always respected those wishes. Eventually, she left the house on an errand and I decided to read her most recent journal. I was stunned to find the most graphic descriptions of a very sexual affair. It was more graphic and specific than any porn that I have ever read or heard of. I went into a state of shock. I called her on her cell, told her that I knew all about the affair and that I wanted a divorce. She said nothing and then I hung up. I then called her mother and told her. She was shocked as well. I packed up the kids and grabbed a few things and took off to my parent’s house which is over an hour away. Before I left, I broke a few items included our wedding cake topper and a few photographs. I managed to do this without the kids seeing.

After dropping of the kids, I returned home to get a few more things that I forgot in my haste as well as to confront her. I ranted and raged for 90 minutes. I took the computer, her cell phone, the other journals and anything else that I thought could help me. She said that she was sorry, that she wanted to tell me and that the other guy meant nothing. She wanted to try to fix our relationship and I just couldn’t accept it. I called her every insult that I could think of and told her that we were over. I never touched her or threatened her.

My kids and I stayed at my folk’s house for about a week. I spoke to my wife a few times after I calmed down, however I was in a deep depression. She barely acknowledged that I had the kids or that she missed them. I took some money out of our bank accounts and she never said no. As I calmed down and started considering my options, I started thinking about the possibilities of fixing “Us”. I told her that she had to end it with the other guy (He is a single, overnight stockboy at the grocery store who my wife described in her journal as moody and brooding) and I begged her that if she ever found herself with him again, to just let me know so that I can just move on with my life and stop hoping that we would work things out. She said she would do anything and asked me what I wanted her to do. I told her that was something that she had to figure out on her own and that I could not give her a list of easy instructions to get back with me.

As we continued to talk occasionally and as I became more receptive and hopeful to work things out, she became more distant and cold. What is that all about? I moved back to our house and she agreed to move to her mother’s house. She said that she told the guy that I know and that their relationship was over. We tentatively agreed that she would come to the house while I was at work to be with the kids and that she would leave when I returned. That worked for a day or two until we both had a break-down. We went on a drive to talk where she said that she now thinks that she loves the other guy. That she something thinks that it would be fine for me to just take the kids. That she doesn’t know what she wants. She was cold and I was hurt and angry. I don’t understand her. I don’t know her. She changes moods and her mind every other day. I can’t keep up and it makes me more and more frustrated and hopeless.

With the help of my family, I decided not to talk to her and not to make any decisions for 2 weeks. It has been awkward and she still seems to get pissed off at anything I do or say. Somehow I have become the enemy, the bad guy. I am the one that should be angry and she should be the one fighting for my forgiveness, but I guess it doesn’t work that way. Eventually, I asked her if she was still seeing the other guy and she said no. I guessed that she was lying but had no proof. After she left, she called me and said that she didn’t want to lie to me and that she had seen him. I said that I guess she had made her decision then. I then told her that I wanted her out of my life and quickly and as painlessly for the children as possible. I then became very cold and abrupt with her. I went camping with my family for the weekend and didn’t talk to her. As soon as I got back, she started calling me and remained aloof and cold. She then started talking again about fixing our relationship again. I said that she was nuts and that she had made her choice. She said that she saw the guy, but was not with him. Whatever.

We decided to meet on how to proceed with a divorce. (I had already met with a lawyer). We discussed things in an adversarial way but came to some agreements. After that we started talking about how we fell so far and so fast. For the first time she and I were listening to each other rather than one of us being mad and closed off. I offered her one last chance to see a counselor and told her that I would like to try to be what we once were. She said she didn’t know and that we should talk the next day. I was convinced that she would just say divorce as she is not a fighter. When the going gets tough, my wife folds. Crisis situations and tough decisions was always my role in the relationship. But to my surprise, she said she would do counseling. She didn’t seem enthused about it, almost like she felt she had to, but she agreed none-the-less.

Now for my questions. I am full of self doubt. I don’t trust my judgment, my thoughts or anything. I love my wife. I always have. We used to make each other better people. We complimented each other, where one was weak the other was strong. We were best friends and everything you think a great marriage should be. I’m not sure when it went bad. In hindsight, my wife was depressed at times. Did we have 7 good years and 1 bad year or was it the other way around? Have I been deluding myself that we were ever good together in the first place? My soul tells me that we were very special and we have 3 fantastic kids, but I just continue to doubt myself and every thought that I have.

How do I proceed? She is still staying at her mother’s house. While she is not cold, she is still distant and obviously hurting. I understand the concept of withdraw from the other guy, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I don’t want to push her too hard but I don’t want to be passive either.
I am now on anti-depressants and feeling a bit better. She said that she hasn’t told the other guy that it is over again and that she is going to try counseling, but she said that she will. I want to believe her but I don’t know who she is anymore. Nothing she does or says makes any sense to anyone who knows her. One minute she wants help, the next minute I am the bad guy. One day we gave each other a good long hug that we were going to discuss counseling, after we decided on it, she doesn’t want to touch me. Shouldn’t I be the one that doesn’t want to touch her?

I met the other guy at the grocery store. I needed to know who he was as I suspected every person that I saw in our town. I asked if he was C*****, He looked at me hard and said yes and asked in a sarcastic tone what he could do for me. I smiled at him and said that he could do absolutely nothing for me. I know he knows who I am. Do I confront him? I’m afraid that I will hurt him. I am not a violent person, but I am now full of rage and anger that I have never felt before. I don’t want him to think that he got the best of me. I am a fighter in the figurative sense.

My wife is not a fighter. I am afraid that she won’t let herself really try because it seems to hard. I don’t understand her seemingly cavalier attitude toward our kids, although that is starting to change recently. I can’t stand just existing. Not doing anything. This is our whole life and I feel helpless. Hoping for a troubled, but normally wonderful woman to find some strength and honesty that I don’t know if she has. She freely admits that she does not know how to cope with severe issues. I’m rambling now and I need some advice. I love her and I know that she loves me, but I don’t know how long I should allow myself to suffer and hope. Fish or cut bait! I’m dead inside. Any advice that anyone could give would be very, very grateful.

Jack,

I am so sorry that you are here....but you are welcome here. This is a very sad story, but one that is similar to many of the ones we hear. It's the kind of club, you wish you weren't a member of....I know.

Anyway....thanks for giving such a detailed account of what's going on. I have a couple of immediate responses....that relate to where you are now. You can't make much progress in counseling if your wife is still involved in an active affair. As you can see....she's all over the place....which is pretty typical of the waffling WS. However, now is the time to stick to some conditions for reconciliation. Tell your wife that you love her, but you are unwilling to attempt to recover the marriage until she ends the affair and finds a new job. If she can't do those things....the money you will spend on <marriage> counseling will probably be wasted....however, please please, give the Harley's a try and do some phone counseling on your own until your wife is ready to re-invest in the marriage.

Read up on Plan A....and offer an attractive alternative to her affair. You've got to get control of your runaway emotions and stop love busting. You also need to continue to let your wife know in a calm way....how destructive the affair is to you, the children and marriage. Don't forget to complete exposure....and tell other people in your life who may be able to intervene in the affair. For instance, does your wife's boss know about the work related affair. That would a good place to make a big impact. If she loses her job....that's unfortunate....however, it's just another one of the sad consequences of infidelity.

Your wife may be more of a fighter than you think she is.....I know she's messed up right now....but if you can be the lighthouse in the darkness and chaos....stop pursuing her and let her come to you once she's free of this affair....there is still hope.

In the meantime....you need to get legal help to secure your finances and custody issues. Find an atty....and it make take some hunting....who isn't dead set on simply filing, but is willing to work with you at a slower pace that protects you, but doesn't force you to end the marriage before you're ready.

I'm sending you hugs and prayers. You've come to a good place. Please be prepared that you may encounter some rough treatment at times....but there are plenty of people who are caring no matter what their style of posting is. If you're floundering....or enabling her poor behavior....you can expect to get some harsh replies....but please know that the folks here will do their best to give you advice from the heart.

Keep posting and filling in details. If your post falls off the page without much activity.....post on it again....and bring it back up to the top. Don't get discouraged if it takes a while for your thread to get alot of attention....weekdays are better....now is a slow time.

Anyway.....hope this gets you started. Please do as much reading around the site as possible....and ask lots of questions.

((((((((((((((((((((jack)))))))))))))))))))))))

It might help you a bit to examine the source of your anger and to balance that with your objective to possibly restore your marriage.

What does that mean?

From your position your wife has played you for a fool and no one likes to be played for a fool, after all, you have your pride. You graciously supported her need to have other interests after being chained to the house and kids for so long. Your graciousness was repaid by her betrayal of her marriage vows. Those vows were likely more then just words to you and that makes the betrayal even worse.

So the question becomes, “How does a spouse look past these hurtful acts so that reconciliation can even be considered?” The answer is that you do NOT look past it. It happened and there is no going back. Believe me when I tell you that just about every wayward spouse on the face of the planet has pleaded with their spouse, “Why can’t we just move forward, why do we always have to rehash the past?” Her past is now your present and it takes time to process all that has happened.

Unfortunately before anyone can go “forward” it takes a little self discovery to surface the reasons for the betrayal. Your understanding of the causes of affairs and what they really, really mean will help you place your false pride on the shelf. We can call it “false” pride because it is a type of pride that will not serve you as you and your wife attempt to reconnect in the marriage. Her act has caused you to question your self worth and the natural reaction is for your pride to come to your rescue to diminish her. The pride is false because she has already diminished herself, you do not need to do it for her. Further, that pride will act as a barrier to prevent you from understanding the nature of what has happened to you, your wife and your marriage. That kind of pride has to GO or at the very least be placed in the proper context. Sure, it will break free from time to time but you will be in a much better position to control it, to put it back on the shelf.

As Star-Fish noted, no contact is the only choice here. THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION AVAILABE. That means that her employment there has come to an end. This is what it will take for you to and your wife to have any chance to reconnect. You can feel free to do just about anything to facilitate “no-contact” but in the end it will be your wife that makes the final choice. Remember, as you start to tell others of your wife’s affair it will become increasingly difficult to let go of your pride so pick your targets carefully to best dissolve the affair. Affairs are very ugly when viewed in the light of the day.

Your position in all of this is simple, you love your wife but you will do whatever it takes to destroy the affair, “I hope you understand that honey, I’ll be right here waiting for you”. This does not mean that you are giving her permission to see her affair partner, quit the contrary; you should be vehemently opposed to her seeing him, talking to him or any other contact. You of course can’t make her do anything, nevertheless, do not enable her.

See how the next several days play out and a clearer picture will emerge. Stay positive but at the same time be guarded as a slip or two is normal.

Mr. G

Call the Harleys. More than one person here will second this. A consultation is @180, really not that bad-45 minutes or so. Get SAA and read it. Have her read it. She wants to make this her past? That is a good thing but you can not be a doormat.

Feel free to read my sitch. WW is out of the house and I have kiddies too. That cavalier attitude comes and goes. I call my WW when my daughter cries about her not being here: why should I deal with what is my WW's fault.

Get a backbone. Workout - does wonders on the aggression AND since my WW A started I have lost 15 lbs. I am getting more attractive, taking care of my hygiene. PLAN A is about you. REALLY study it. I didn't and ended up with a PLAN A that sounds like what you are doing.

Plan A involves showing your WS that you are an awesome alternative to stockboy.

Will WS go and live with this boy and his mommy? Get something going for yourself. Something that occupies your dead time (it will kill you if you don't).

With your workout plan, come up with nicknames for people that are all body types.

IE Someone who is wimpy is a squirrel. Someone who works out and gets muscles is diesel. This can be a constant running joke with you and a workout buddy. It is great motivation because when one doesn't want to, you just say, "Okay, squirrel." See, isn't that fun?

Try to see the forest. Every minute will seem like eternity (it does for me). 5 years from now, you may say to yourself that you did all you could to save the M. And you will be telling the truth. You will even be able to look your children in the eye and say it. Will she?

Though you want to, don't kick his butt. It will only look bad if this ends in a D. You want your kids don't you. And what would it do? The pain will still be there. Trust me, I have thought of it alot!

look i know what you mean about wanting to go and hurt this guy,ive wanted to for a while and still do,but people made me realize that after you do that what do you win.
you dont want her to come back cause you forced it
you want her to come back cause she wants too.