Dear friends:My HB who is a phycician is having an A with a nurse he supervises.He was my boyfr since I was 17, only men in my life, he was 19,almost 16 y marriage in 3 w, 1 daught, the kind of couple that people questioned how could we be together all the time, always put me on a pedestal, the best hb, went thr graduate school together,achieved everything in our life togeth, dpending on each other for everything, almost perfect...
Now he graduated from residency,his social status in the new job has changed, he is an attending anesthesiologyst, great salary,new porsche,turned 40, started to lose the extra weith from 220 to 160, lots of pressure from women at work...His affair started by talking and talking, he tells me that the need for conversation and understanding got him involved with her, she is 5 years older, manipulative person that talks and talks,separated from her mentally unstable hb who just commited suicide before divorce was final, the kind of woman who is used to have special "friends" thr her 2 marriages...she openly wants to marriage my hb,emails him constantly and he tells me she is not going to let go, he recognizes he feels controled or manipulated up to a point but he also admits is he who wants to do it.
The consequences of this A have been devastating for our fam, marriage and even his work. We are both desperate,he tells me he wants to save our marriage but still needs to see her,is unable to brake with her,he enjoys being with her, tells me its not sexual, sex with me is much better its about conversation and her way of discussing problems... he tells me he feels like 2 diferent persons,he makes future plans with her and me, he has compulsions to see her, e mail...he asked me to help him and please dont leave him, he wants to continue to rebuild our marriage and thinks that will be what makes him leave her,he tells me he will disolve it his way, little by little, but I see things getting worse, I am afraid I will brake with all this suffering every time I see him in the email or coming late, we are use to have 100 % control of where we are all the time, he even tells me when he will go to see this wm,still goes when i ask him not to.
I am in plan A but I can't just pretend I am happy when I am dying, i cant eat, ive lost weight, I can barely function (I am also a doctor, I have to keep my mind clear, I dont know how to deal with this when I see him going thr compulsions and going to see this woman even after a great night of sex with me.Even when I try my face shows the sadness even my daughter told me I look worried. He tells me we need to move to other city, he wants to leave,and we are planning to do so by december, but in the meantime what?, I am about to break, he is desperate too I see it in his eyes, looks like a different person at times, doenst want to see me crying or sad, he wants me to focus on us, he says is the only way, he doenst want me to spend the time together talking about the A,He thinks that if we are strong he will not need her.
I dont see the end of this, next year is still far, I am afraid for him and for us, and after we move what, this may continue, she has told him she can go to another city too, I want help for my hb, to help him decide, he says he has alrady decided for us and wants me to be patient, but I am desperate. He has always been strong and capable of making the hardest decisions, not now,
This double personality thing scares me, what is the answer, I dont know, I wish I could do plan A and try to be the woman he fell in love with when he met me, I dont know if i have the strengt seeing him like that every day.He wants my help and my love and he is afraid he will lose me, he tells me that he will be nothing without me, he needs me and I am certain that he will be a lost man without our matriage and family.
Any ideas in how to help him?
How to help myself in a realist way?
How could we rebuild from here, every book says its almost imposible.
I would appreciate your comments, advise, will answer questions
giraldilla3

giraldilla, Plan A does not include enabling your husbands affair by helping him and the OW lie and hide their dirty secret at work. Plan A is also about exposure and doing what you can to bust up the affair.

If your H won't end his affair now, what makes you think he will end it in 3 months? He won't, because that is all fog talk designed to get you off his back about his affair. It is unrealistic to pin your hopes on the "word" of a completely unreliable, untrustworthy person. With a WS, you have to go ENTIRELY by his actions and ignore his words. Words are meaningless with a fogged out WS.

You are asking how to rebuild, but that won't happen until you bust up this affair. There will be no recovery until the affair - and ALL contact - is ended, gira.

Do a proper Plan A, gira, the easier, softer way has availed you nothing and will continue to avail you nothing until you start doing something effective here.