Dear friends:My HB who is a phycician is having an A with a nurse he supervises.He was my boyfr since I was 17, only men in my life, he was 19,almost 16 y marriage in 3 w, 1 daught, the kind of couple that people questioned how could we be together all the time, always put me on a pedestal, the best hb, went thr graduate school together,achieved everything in our life togeth, dpending on each other for everything, almost perfect...
Now he graduated from residency,his social status in the new job has changed, he is an attending anesthesiologyst, great salary,new porsche,turned 40, started to lose the extra weith from 220 to 160, lots of pressure from women at work...His affair started by talking and talking, he tells me that the need for conversation and understanding got him involved with her, she is 5 years older, manipulative person that talks and talks,separated from her mentally unstable hb who just commited suicide before divorce was final, the kind of woman who is used to have special "friends" thr her 2 marriages...she openly wants to marriage my hb,emails him constantly and he tells me she is not going to let go, he recognizes he feels controled or manipulated up to a point but he also admits is he who wants to do it.
The consequences of this A have been devastating for our fam, marriage and even his work. We are both desperate,he tells me he wants to save our marriage but still needs to see her,is unable to brake with her,he enjoys being with her, tells me its not sexual, sex with me is much better its about conversation and her way of discussing problems... he tells me he feels like 2 diferent persons,he makes future plans with her and me, he has compulsions to see her, e mail...he asked me to help him and please dont leave him, he wants to continue to rebuild our marriage and thinks that will be what makes him leave her,he tells me he will disolve it his way, little by little, but I see things getting worse, I am afraid I will brake with all this suffering every time I see him in the email or coming late, we are use to have 100 % control of where we are all the time, he even tells me when he will go to see this wm,still goes when i ask him not to.
I am in plan A but I can't just pretend I am happy when I am dying, i cant eat, ive lost weight, I can barely function (I am also a doctor, I have to keep my mind clear, I dont know how to deal with this when I see him going thr compulsions and going to see this woman even after a great night of sex with me.Even when I try my face shows the sadness even my daughter told me I look worried. He tells me we need to move to other city, he wants to leave,and we are planning to do so by december, but in the meantime what?, I am about to break, he is desperate too I see it in his eyes, looks like a different person at times, doenst want to see me crying or sad, he wants me to focus on us, he says is the only way, he doenst want me to spend the time together talking about the A,He thinks that if we are strong he will not need her.
I dont see the end of this, next year is still far, I am afraid for him and for us, and after we move what, this may continue, she has told him she can go to another city too, I want help for my hb, to help him decide, he says he has alrady decided for us and wants me to be patient, but I am desperate. He has always been strong and capable of making the hardest decisions, not now,
This double personality thing scares me, what is the answer, I dont know, I wish I could do plan A and try to be the woman he fell in love with when he met me, I dont know if i have the strengt seeing him like that every day.He wants my help and my love and he is afraid he will lose me, he tells me that he will be nothing without me, he needs me and I am certain that he will be a lost man without our matriage and family.I know he is desperate looking for an answer inside him but he its not the kind of person that will do what he its told like "you have to end the affair".He hasnt found his way.
Any ideas in how to help him?
How could he break this addiciton when NC its not a choice now
How to help myself in a realist way?
How could we rebuild from here, every book says its almost imposible.
I would appreciate your comments, advise, will answer questions
giraldilla3

giraldilla, you can rebuild from here, but as you can see, that is not going to happen until contact ends. And as you can see he is very very addicted and can't stop on his own.

The most potent weapon you have against this affair is EXPOSURE. Affairs thrive on a fantasy that is fueled by secrecy and when they are exposed it is ruinous to the fantasy. Just imagine going into a crack house and turning on the lights and bringing in an audience. It has that effect also on affairs. It is no fun to smoke crack in front of an audience; it ruins the high. The affairees are forced to see how sleazy and ridiculous they look through the eyes of others when forced to explain themselves. It is because of this that exposure is the most powerful weapon you have in your arsenal.

Good exposure targets would be employers, his parents, your parents, HER parents, HER spouse, close friends. Your children should also be told about the affair since this impacts their life.

This assault on the affair may very well serve to induce one of them to leave their jobs and solve your problem. At the very least, it will make them harder to carry on at work because folks at work will know and will take steps to keep them seperated.

If it doesn't induce one of them to leave the job and end all contact, then we can help you with next steps, such as Plan B.

But first try exposure, giraldilla, and see if that has any effect. While it may not have an immediate effect, its damaging effects can hasten the death of the affair by making it so problematic.

In the meantime, it is very important that you get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Willard Harley. It can be ordered on this website with cheap fast shipping.

Secondly, I would strongly recommend that you counsel with one of the Harleys. They offer phone counseling and simply the very best there is when it comes to marriage recovery after an affair. He will assess your situation and give you a PLAN to bust up this affair and save your marriage. He will not waste a minute of your time with nonsense. I think they charge $185 an hour. From what I have seen here, it is worth every penny.


Sorry you are, giraldilla, but welcome to Marriage Builders. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Also, your WS should not be forewarned of your exposure.

The plan you should be in now is called Plan A. It is a plan that is designed to bust up the affair while, at the same time, attracting him back. That means that you avoid lovebusters, and do your best to meet his needs. Here is some key reading on Plan A:

How to Survive infidelity: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

Plan A and Plan B: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Lovebusters: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

A good synopsis of Plan A by Pepperband:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Thanks for your answer.
Exposure have already ocurred, his parents know and have been very supportive to me, a cople of his friends trying to help him, at his work he was called about the rumors, even there was a letter to the Hosp admn that another nurse filed alleging that my husband had been rude to him because he acts different in the presence of this woman.
My daughter knows that something its going on with daddy but we havent told her straigt , we are trying her not to suffer.
regarding the work situation, he denied at work, despite I am sure everybody knows, he is so naive and has been socrazy that has not been cautios, exposure basically has come from himself,I went to his work to show him inconditional support, I dont practice in his hospital but people knows me, the work situation can turn very bad for him and I dont want his license or record to be afected, this is something I will not allow, we have fight to hard to achieve our profesional goals and his achievements I feel them as mine...I feel that the facts will fall on them by itself but He deeply appreciates my inconditional suport and I truly do it because i want to do it.
I dont think plan B is a choice for me.
I am most desperatelly seeking advise in how to deal with his addiction, he is open to my opinions but tha cold turkey has not been a good answer he could deal with. I believe the Harleys approach is that ending the affair is step 1 and that only after that you can rebuild ; my situation its different , he will not end it just like that, he already tried once and couldnt keep it.
He will leave the job eventually since we are plannyng activally to move to another city by dec/jan. he is the one who told me we needed to leave this town but in the meantime what, how could we survive, I feel he is sick , his life and everything dear its falling appart...
he tells me that he argues with that w most of the time, he is trying in his mind to see all her flaws(which are many) but still feels mesmerized and compelled to keep the relationship despite all this disgrace.
its like a malignancy
thanks, friend

I'm very sorry you are here, but it is the best place to be under the circumstances.

Plan B is not an option until you have done a good plan a.

You say your sitation is different since he will not end it cold turkey. That is the situation at least 90% of the posters here face.

Is there a way that you can change cities sooner?

If she makes plans to follow, I would alrert all of the hospitals in the area that she is following him.

He does not need to be supervising her. Certainly, hospital administration could make changes in schedules where she is reassigned to a different area of the hospital.

How long have you been married?

How old is your daughter?

Have you read the book surviving an affair?

Would it be possible for him to practice at your hospital until you move to a different city?

giraldilla, you have an excellent exposure opportunity at his workplace. Exposure there will help him with his addiction by splashing the cold water of reality on it. I would suggest writing a letter to the director of Human Resources and to the hospital ccing other key management, such as the OW's direct supervisor. Inform of the affair and its damaging effects on the workplace. Suggest to them they are leaving themselves open for a law suit and ask them this:

"what do you intend to do about this? Or do I need to take this further?"

This will propel them into action and force them to do something about it. By doing this, you will create great CONFLICT in the affair, which will help kill it off.

To not expose this affair is to ENABLE it, giraldilla. To enable his affair in this way, so you can protect his career, is NOT "unconditional love," giraldilla. That is "unconditional ENABLING." That is like handing a gun to a suicidal person. Get him the HELP he needs by exposing this affair. Stop protecting him from the consequences of his actions!!

THAT is how you deal with his addiction, giraldilla. You stop enabling him and force him to deal with the consequences of HIS CHOSEN ACTIONS. If he ruins his reputation, it will be BECAUSE OF HIS AFFAIR. If he loses his position, it will be BECAUSE he CHOSE THAT PATH. Stop protecting him.

Why in the world should he end his affair if he doesn't HAVE TO? Cold turkey is the BEST ANSWER, it is the ONLY ANSWER, but he doesn't WANT TO deal with it because he doesn't have to. As long as you protect him from the consequences of his affair, he will have no motivation to end his affair.

As a Doctor why are you not reaching out for help from the foremost Doctor in the field...Dr. Harley??

You certainly have the money to afford it.

Link to the contact information on the main website and set up an appointment for a telephone consultation (it takes few days to get in so do it soon). They have proved time and time again to be well worth the money. Utilize this forum as continued consistent support with Dr. Harley and his staff as the professional support.

Because your husband is an Physician his addiction is going to be VERY difficult to break. He's intelligent and well educated thus is highly likely to trust his "feelings" and less likely to be influenced by others. Basically, he is prideful and not likely to ever concede being wrong. It's called "entitlement"...he's thinking: "How can it be wrong when it feels so right". You NEED the help of a professional to break up a "professional" affair. Trust me, I'm a lawyer (slight sarcasm but I'm one of the good guys...a tax lawyer)...anyway, fortunately for my marriage my wife had the affair before I did in our previously vulnerable marriage...if it had been ME instead that strayed we'd have been in a tough spot.

It sounds like your Plan A is working. OW is lovebusting him like crazy and without total secrecy the affair is no longer thriving; however, it continues. OW may follow even if you move...you must bust it up NOW. The sooner the better for ALL involved. Exposure IS the most effective weapon...however, I recommend you call Dr. Harley and his staff immediately.

Good Luck,
Mr. Wondering

If you point out to the hospital that they have huge liability for a sexual harassment case by any of the employees around your WH and the OW, they will take action. Even if they are not moral people, and only do it to protect the hospital, the result will be the same.

Rumors by other employees are not the same as a pointed letter to HR, from the spouse of one of the participants, confirming the factualness of the rumors, and pointing out that the hospital stands to lose tens of thousands of dollars upon being sued, well that is a whole different proposition.

Thanks for all the comments:
My husband has told me that the hosp is going to call this woman about the rumors, she will denied it of course. There has been an investigation based on the complaint that i comment on my first post and the conclusions will be final next week, he has been told the hosp dosnt want to lose him and everybody spoke great thinks about him as a profesional.

He can not be transfered to another department. As long as he is there they will work together, he is an anesthesiologyst and she a nurse anesthetist, thie is its a small department and a close enviroment , the OR.
Moving to another city could only happen about dec/jan because my daughter's school and also the process of finding a job, interviewing, house,etc takes time
My hb wants to go with me on vacation next september for our 16 aniversary, he tells me he wants to spend time with me, he insist we need to be together and talk about us and have fun...
I am not certain I understand how a hospital can prevent a relashionship between employees from happening...A little more insight in that?
Mr Wondering, yes we doctors are the worse patients, he knows, i know but at the same time he has been able to tell me what the problem is, the double presonality thing, scares me..
We are seen a counselor, I dont know how good, we just started, my main focus here i think is his addiction and find alternatives.
I welcome all your help.

I suggest you talk to the Harley's RIGHT AWAY. Your husband sounds a lot like mine - all the talk of not wanting to hurt you (while continuing the affair), wanting to work on the marriage (while continuing to have sex with the OW), is nothing but words.

If I had come down hard on my WH BEFORE the relationship had time to grow and get more entrenched, I might have been able to save my marriage.

But after almost 3 and a half years of his BS, I lost my feelings for him and have filed for divorce. They are still together.

giraldilla,

Sorry but as a fellow doc, I have read nothing that tells me that you can not relocate immediately. You have the wherewithal to do just that.Like most BS's on this site, your fog sometimes exceeds that of the WS.

I can not envision any hospital administrator nor medical staff not acting quickly if they are made aware of ALL the facts of your WH and the CRNA. Docs are expensive to replace. Sexual harassment suits are MUCH more expensive.

As per your child, tell me what would hurt more, adjusting to divorced parents or having to adjust to a new school.

You are citing dematitis as a treatment priority on a patient(your M) that has been discovered to be in asystole.

Best of luck.

The best medicine for an addiction is to allow the addict to FACE THE CONSEQUENCES. So far, you have protected him from that.


The hospital may or may not seperate them, but just telling them the truth would put great pressure on the affair and cause conflict there. They may even terminate one of them to avoid a sexual harrassment lawsuit, that is not uncommon.

It is doubtful that your H has any plans to move away in December. He is not likely to give up his mistress unless there is any motivation to do so. And so far, there has no motivation.


gir, now is the best time to inform them of the affair and give them the truth so they can deal with it. Don't help them lie to protect their affair. You are harming yourself and your child by helping them hide their dirty secret. You help the AFFAIR by doing that.

By keeping this secret, you are going to allow your H to destroy your marriage and your children's family in order to protect his reputation. Is that a good bargain for your children?

thank you all:
The work situation is something i would like to handle carefully, honestly I understand you are all right but i dont want to do it openly, i can not turned him in openly, i would have to find a smart/subtle way to talk to the human resourses people and express my concerns without openly telling them,there must be a way, if the hospital forces a separation that is the best, they will not ask her to leave she has been there 10 y and as i said its very manipulative, social person who 2 weeks ago lost her husband to suicide(the hosp doesnt knoww the reason of death) after she filed divorced papers and sent him to live on a trailer, she knew he would kill himself,she told my hb she nkew he would not last until the divorce was final...
Yes , he is very very addicted, Somehow i also thinks he still is very in love with me, the deeper kind ...you must think I am crazy believing this.
He is the one who told me he felt like someone that is drowning and was reaching my hand to get out and ask me to start preparing the moving...
He will go out on vac in 2 weeks, we will go to the other city for interview, and to find a lot,house,...
then he wants to go to cancun for a week on our aniversary...
I thinks its still possible to move him to my hospital, he has privileges there too, but i will think about the talk to HR to force that.
Of course she will find a way to see him, email, she will not give up. and yes, she is lovebusting a lot, i know that doing the thinks she promissed that wont happenned in their relashionship in constrastto min (i know this becues i used to spy on his e mail) not anymore i can not handle the pain of doing it, it ruins my will to put a good face when he comes back.
Since things are in the open he doesnt need to lie anymore, today sunday he has been with her since the morning , still not back, told me he needed to see her and appeared very affected when he saw my tears in the morning, still have plans to go out for diner the 2 of us tonight, i dont know how i coul make it, and look relaxed,a be a good company, i am dying inside...
To answer the question my daughter is 14, very smart, knowk that there is something going on, my hb does not want to tell her what the problems is, i dont know what would help other than keep tryin supporting her
thanks for all the comments, please keep writting

I know it will be very hard, but your daughter probably needs to know the truth. She senses something is wrong- so she needs to be told the truth.

Of course he does not want you to tell her. He is ashamed of himself and his actions.

If your husband is sincere in telling you he wants to work on your marriage, he should be willing to write a letter to her and tell her there can be no contact aside from professional contact in the hospital (this must be very short-term) until you can move. I would also send a copy of the letter to the HR department. He should block her number from his cell and should change his email address.

I think going away will be a very good thing. Ask him to commit to not talking to her for the time when you are gone. That will give you a great opportunity to Plan A and draw him back to you.

Currently you are allowing him to have both of you.

How did you repsond when he left to spend the day with her?

I'm curious as I doubt I could have let mine walk out the door without throwing a fit they'd hear in Lubbock (across Texas from me).

I know it must be hard on you knowing he is with her. Hang in there.

giradilla,




You appear to be wringing your hands and excusing his behavior on this forum while he continues his"professional" relationship as we speak.

You would not tolerate inaction in a grave medical situation by another physician.....so why do you tolerate it with yourself?

I will find a way to force a conversation of us with my daughter without hurting her more...
He will write no letter, i am sure, i suggested, in conclusion rigth now he tells me he its dealing with the A and it will dissolve, he its trying to convince himself about all she is not compared to me, still i know this are psychological excuses...my hb its not very easy, I know, rationalizes, its very educated, smart,...
I suggested that i didnt want to go to cancun to our aniv celebr with a ghost between us, and e mails and so on, he replied why do you need to pay so much attention to that if i am with you having fun, we have to focus on us, he es basically encouraging me to do plan A
When he told me he will go to see her today, i tried to remain calm, his initial intention was to take her out for dinner but i discovered it and told him that if his intentions was to keep all this private he should not be seen in rest where we often see colleagues, (it was a fancy one) one of our fav) To my surprise he said ok, then i will go in the morning and so he did today, i tried to keep calm, ate breakf together and the i could not stop the tears, he told me he didnt want to see me like that but still left. I did not make s scene, thats the type of things that happened in the past and i know it hurted our M.
After all Plan A means keep your cool, right?
But I could not avoid to cry, this is all new in my life and I live him truly.
thanks
giraldilla3

I will find a way to force a conversation of us with my daughter without hurting her more...
He will write no letter, i am sure, i suggested, in conclusion rigth now he tells me he its dealing with the A and it will dissolve, he its trying to convince himself about all she is not compared to me, still i know this are psychological excuses...my hb its not very easy, I know, rationalizes, its very educated, smart,...
I suggested that i didnt want to go to cancun to our aniv celebr with a ghost between us, and e mails and so on, he replied why do you need to pay so much attention to that if i am with you having fun, we have to focus on us, he es basically encouraging me to do plan A
When he told me he will go to see her today, i tried to remain calm, his initial intention was to take her out for dinner but i discovered it and told him that if his intentions was to keep all this private he should not be seen in rest where we often see colleagues, (it was a fancy one) one of our fav) To my surprise he said ok, then i will go in the morning and so he did today, i tried to keep calm, ate breakf together and the i could not stop the tears, he told me he didnt want to see me like that but still left. I did not make s scene, thats the type of things that happened in the past and i know it hurted our M.
I know I am allowwing him to have us both...
After all Plan A means doing that, keep your cool, right?
But I could not avoid to cry, this is all new in my life and I live him truly.
thanks
giraldilla3

Pleas everybody, should I make demands?
wining, cry, more lovebusting?
its not the language he understands, I know I am allowing him to see her, I am trying to do PLAN A Isnt that it...?
giraldilla3

plan A isnt about making demands. It's about showing that you care about him, and that you wont hurt HIM by lovebusting.
Making demands, or whining, would be anti-plan-A.

You cant either "allow" or "stop" him from seeing her. That is not in your control. In no way does plan A mean that you in any way condone or accept his affair, though.