Yes, that was my undestandind of plan A, we already went thr the ugly scenes and also thr the very calmed and respectfuld discussions on what to do and he knows I dont approve the affair and we discussed NC and ending the affair, he did it and failed.
So continuing with plan A implies allowing the affair, what else could i do without lovebusting?
I am having a problem remaining calm, looking happy and inviting, he just came back from seeing here like nothing , invited me to go to the gym like always, i excused my self there will be diiner later at a fancy place the 2 of us, he just spent 5 hrs with her, when he came my daughter asked wherehave you been? she never faced him so directly....
I agree , plan A seems like a passive plan, it doesnt address the addicted person, as a physician i am trying to review literature in how to deal with emotional addcition, so far, i still dont have the answ, i want to help my hb, i notice he gets almost scared of us coming back to arguments and a bad enviroment, he says he wants to enjoy our time togh and rebuild our marriage despite i tell him that while the A continues all the experts say its almost impossible, obviously we disagree in that but still our conversations are very rational, thats an improvement from before...

does anybody have experience in doing plan a, allowing the affair to follow its course and any results at all?
i am just not sure that this works and i dont want to go wrong

thanks, please keep writting, your help got me thr the day.

giraldilla, Plan A has nothing to do with "allowing the affair to follow its course." The purpose of Plan A is to EFFECT THE END OF THE AFFAIR. Sitting there doing nothing is NOT Plan A. Plan A is not a PASSIVE plan and yes, it DOES address the emotional addiction. IT does this through EXPOSURE. EXPOSURE is the most potent tool you have in your hands to fight against the affair.

EXPOSURE deals a blow to the addiction by forcing the addicts to face the consequences of their actions. It is RUINOUS to the affair. To protect them from the consequences, as you are doing, is to ENABLE THE AFFAIR....at the expense of your marriage and your family. You are sacrificing your marriage to ENABLE the OW, do you understand this?

The "plan" that you are currently employing: the do nothing plan, is most likely to result in divorce. The longer the affair goes on, the more CEMENTED their feelings and the more you will fall out of love. The longer this goes on, the more destruction inflicted on your marriage and your daughter.

There may be no marriage to return to if you continue to REFUSE to lift a finger to save your marriage.

You have the tools to help yourself, giraldilla, you only have to pick them up.


I would suggest that you have this conversation alone with her since your H is so unstable right now. Your H will not likely wish his D to know and will want you to help hide his secret. Your DD needs to know the truth and needs your moral guidance to manuever this situation. How old is your daughter?

"Since things are in the open he doesnt need to lie anymore, today sunday he has been with her since the morning , still not back, told me he needed to see her and appeared very affected when he saw my tears " (GAG)

He enjoys having you at home, and spending the day rubbing his affair in your face.

My WW works at a hospital too and is having A with coworker. Exposure has done little - neither are able to advance in the field, though they don't know why.

Cite the Hospital's Mission statement IN THE LETTER. Especially about how they are dedicated to their employees and families. Again, my WW's hospital mission statement says this, but nothing has been done.

Don't get over happy about it. It doesn't mean the affair WILL end. It is just another aspect to exposure.

He again today asked my "permission " to go see her , apparently se fainted and in the ER, he told me he wanted to go.
I did something diferent, pointed out how this is the situation we have every day for one reason or another, one day she need this other that...I told him I didnt want to live like that anymore and wanted to agree in how to do it.
He left.
Called me 15 min later that he was coming back.
I have been reluctant to ultimatums but for me plan A/ allowing the affair to go its not working in any sense, he said that this doent make any sense , that he its not going to leaveme but he saw my decision and I am not going back
since he came back and wants to pickme up to see me talk, go lunch , I am going to be soft but firm at the same time , i have to have the strenght not to back up...its a dangerous situation for me, but he hasnt been able to make a decision the other way and I feel that nobody its getting anything positive out of our prior approach.
Any ideas, please read my thread...

Did you read our posts, giraldilla? Plan A DOES NOT MEAN allowing the affair to go its course.

So, you've recieved the same advice from a number of people here.

You need to EXPOSE this affair (with whatever "proof" you have) to both of their bosses. And make it clear that you're looking for assistance in putting an end to this, at least at the work place.

And you need to make it CLEAR to your WH how much his actions are hurting you, destroying your family, and 'emptying your lovebank'. You said he feels that he still is "in love" with you...you should let him know clearly that every time he goes to see her, he's destroying that much more of your love for him. Make it clear to him that you will NOT sit around forever waiting for him to 'make up his mind'. He says he wants to be with you...that means he's NOT going to be with her. Anything less isn't going to fix your marriage or restore your love for him.

Expose to his family, his friends, even his co-workers if you know them. When you do so, make sure you explain to them what you're doing and why...that you're asking them to help you end the affair. That what you're looking for is people to help him end what he's doing, and that you're asking this because you love him and want to save your marriage. NOT because you want to 'hurt' him.

Plan A also means doing things for yourself. Start taking care of yourself. You'll be amazed at how much that will cause him to doubt what he's doing. Start eating some...go to the gym, take time for YOU.

And at all times make it clear to HIM what you're doing and why. Don't tell him about exposure BEFORE you do it...but do so after it's done. And again, tell him WHY.

If you sit there and do nothing...nothing will change. If you want a change, you've got to work for it.

So the next time he asks for your permission, tell him no. Tell him that you can't control him...but if he does choose to go see her, that he's destroying your marriage and your love for him. That you're not going to agree with him doing this anymore.

And start making your PLAN on how to deal with this. If you feel that NC can't happen until you move and get a new job...start planning that out, with or without his help. He can choose to move with you or not...but again, HIS choice will determine HIS consequences.

That's the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum. You're not controlling him...you're setting what YOU are willing to accept, and letting him suffer the consequences of his choices.

Hope that helps.

I think I am starting to understand the difference between boundaries and ultimatum.
this is what I have done today andYES, I have read every post and I thank you all so much,
When I gave him an ultimatum after he said he would go for only a few minutes to the ER to see what happened to her because she fainted, its sick, bla bla,he didnt go , he came back , we went to lunch together and I told him that what we have done for 3 mo already its not working and I wanted to do something different , I told him that when I saw us together I couldnt even believe this is happening to us, I pointed out the positive, the way we talk about things now, calmly despite the fact that we havent been able to produce a conclussion with results, I told him my impression that the affair its getting worse, he is visible upset when I call that person hislover, he refers to her like "that person"; he again didnt gave me any good answers, he says he knows he is the one who have to solve this but he was trying to do it his way, to justify it in his mind
I confronted him by asking how do you explain that your way its not working and what are we going to do about it.
told him that I want asking him to leave the house, but I needed an answer
he interpret this as pressure
He says he understand my position
didnt give me any answer,
after lunch was finished he again told me he just wanted to see that person in the hosp and the he would come back asap
that he wanted to do this and that didnt have to to with anything...
I told him again I disagreed but I could not control him.
Yes I know that I am pressuring him.
This doesnt do any good for the enviroment between us despite i said it calmly
EXPOSURE has mostly ocurred , hes got his parents on him all the time, our friends lefting messages that they want to talk to him, HE blames me for telling everybody, that everybody now knows everything and judge him.
EXPOsure at work has mostly happened without my intervention, because of his careless atitude, I will do some more when the moment comes but not openly , If I do it openly since it might affect him more at work he would consider it high treason and I know 100% I will lose him forever...
So coming back to the pressure I am putting on today this are my fears:
If I tell him I will not accept this anymore I know for sure I will throw him in to her arms specially since now she its a widow ...
But honestly I dont want to continue to allow the A anymore,what does that mean doing?
we have been dealing with this for 3 mo now since I discovered, her HB just suicided 3 weeks ago after she separated from him and filed divorced.
Every day its a new excuse.
I need advise, I told him that I needed an answer when he came back
I dont have much hope about his answer, he keeps repeating the same.
But I really dont want to come back to allowing this...
How could I say I dont want to allow this and at the same time dont throw him out.Isnt that a contradictory statement?
Anybody has experience?
Yes, I feel that a little pressure on him its needed ,yes, but how?

For a doctor he's not acting like a very smart man right now.

OW CHOSE to have an affair with him, she knowingly filed for divorce from her husband KNOWING he'd kill himself and NOW she's playing the victim to your husband as if HE owes her loyalty in light of EVERYTHING she has given up for him. HOW OUTRAGEOUS. She's playing her little damsel in distress cards quite well in hopes of landing her a doctor husband. "Fainting in the hospital" what a nice little trump card. She's probably berating your husband to death to get him to file for divorce for fear her "victimhood" time period with regards to her husbands suicide entitles her to hit when the iron is hot. She's dropped her panties enough now that he MUST "be there for her in this time of need". Playing on a Doctors innate concerns and desire to help others has your husband eating out of her sick hands. It's all so insiduous and disturbing.

Mr. Giraldilla3...you are being played by a woman, a deceiptfull and conniving woman that knowingly betrayed and pretty much killed her husband in order to get what she thinks she deserves .... A DOCTOR HUSBAND. She is trying to DESTROY YOU and YOUR FAMILY. This OW cares about NO ONE but herself. She will be just as mean and conniving to your children as their step-mom, she will NEVER truly be trustworthy (what happens when the next doctor with a little more money and grown kids he doesn't have to pay ENORMOUS child support to comes along) and she will be a horrible spouse to you (she alone can NEVER replace your family and eventually you'll regret her for it).

Further, you better be wearing a condom when you are with her and KNOWINGLY flush the condom down the toilet drain or else she's likely to knock herself up just to TRAP you in her entitled SICK life.

YOU are NOT responsible for OW's poor life choices. You are no doubt a smart man that when you don't have the exact answers you KNOW to seek out such answers from colleagues and textbooks. Read up...OW does NOT hold a candle to your wife and family. DUMP her NOW before you lose your wife and family. Get counseling to assist you with the withdrawal from your addiction and with the recovery of your marriage. I'm telling you from one professional to another (lawyer to doctor) ...you are making the BIGGEST mistake of your life. STOP and seek professional assistance. This is ONE situation where YOU are NOT one of the smartest people in the world. YOU do not have any notion of the answer. YOU are not immunce from failure. Even a Doctor can make a totally HUMAN mistakes. Get home, admit your mistakes, beg forgiveness, be transparent and move on...OW is irrelevant...forget about her and get home to YOUR FAMILY THAT TRULY LOVES YOU. Other than your intellegent albeit addicted brain, your family is all you've got. Trust them...Not the black widow that is trying to destoy you.

Mr. Wondering

This is not exposure. This is just rumors flying around. Exposure means a targeted effort to make sure key people have the CORRECT and COMPLETE story. All tht has happened here are rumors are flying around.


gir, no, you will lose him forever if you continue to do nothing to stop this affair. Every day that you protect his affair is another day that it becomes more and more entrenched and the closer you move to divorce. You don't seem to understand that the AFFAIR is the greatest threat to your marriage, not EXPOSURE.

Your marriage CAN survive exposure, it probably won't survive the affair. We have tried to help you understand this and give you the advice that is most likely to end this affair. But if you refuse to help yourself, there is nothing we can do for you. Your H has no motivation to end his affair and will continue it as long as you persist in helping he and the OW hide their affair at work. You are not a friend to your marriage, but a friend to the AFFAIR.

I wonder if the affair started BEFORE her husband committed suicide. That would be quite a load on a normal person's conscience.

Apparently it doesn't bother her too much.

I urge you to expose to work. In the beginning, the infidels are afraid to leave their secure marriage (your husband, not the OW). Throughout the affair, my WH told me he loved me, and he couldn't quit seeing the OW. Now I know he just wanted to cover his bets.

We had another poster here - momof3boys - whose physician husband fell "in love" with a CNA at the nursing home where he was the director. She didn't stick to a plan, and now the infidels are together with a new baby.

Hello everybody:
Need help claryfing a couple of things:

Someone mentioned (NUKE) that a hospital is liable for sexual harrassment law suit by the OW OR any other employees around my WH and the OW?Hoe come someone else could be involved?

Isnt the law suit only possible by the OW to my husband who supervises her?
Who else could sue ?
Does it matter that both parties are consensual?
Why would someone sue the hosp instead of my Husb?

I know these are sort of legal quest , I would like to understand.

Going to another subject, I copied and printed the posts by one member couple Mr Wondering that I found specially helpful; I showed to my HB, he read it , specially the last one about the "black widow", I think he is starting to see it. She is lovebusting like crazy with her fainting and nervous attack from last week, someone who was perceived by him as "she is extremally in control of her emotieons and very secure...I think this might be a good thing that he can see the real her, us running away its after all "Escaping", we will do it, yes, but she will remain in his memory as a hero and platonic love that could any time reburst...

My husband question about Mr wonderings case after reading his post that I printed, and also pertinent to other recovered marriages was:

What did she do exactly to break the affair? He meant the unfaithful spouse?Not the BH

I think he is looking for experiences of others in his same situation and I am sure he will listen.

If any former WH or WW could tell me in detail how to do it I would really appreciate.

I am fighting hard, moving along with plans to get out of here for end year,our 2 week aniv vacation next sept already booked. Yes I am fighting and it feels good...

Thank you all, you are great help

G,

Not a FWH, but before MB I was at risk of becoming one and like I've said before...likely to have been just as prideful and stubburn as your loving wayward husband (now that's an oxymoron).

Your question; what makes a WH decide to finally end the affair relationship is usually consequences or brains, or a combination of the two.

Affair relationships seldom survive over 2 years. Inevitable such insiduous relationships disintegrate themselves from the inside out. Two much has been sacrificed by both partners to ever achieve marital bliss. The payoff for the consequences each has endurred to be together, against all odds, can NEVER be obtained. Once the "romantic period" is over the affair partners wake up to discover that their own personal problems have followed them and the same dynamics that destroyed their original marriage NOW infects this affair relationship, ONLY the expectations of HAPPINESS have quadrupled. After all...she/he was your "soulmate". Granted some affairee's plow ahead, to prideful to admit or accept that they made a HUGE mistake...but do not doubt for a second they will REGRET ever having the affair in the first place someday.

Now some WS get wise. Not too wise, just wise enough within their addiction to realize this is NOT the way they want to live their life. Unfortunately, this "conflict" is short-lived and they flip back and forth about what they intend to do versus what they want to do versus the affair which they feel they HAVE to do.

Being a Doctor your husband MUST have some knowledge of addiction. If he could stand outside of himself for just a second and realize that he is addicted then what do you think would be the cure. Cold Turkey is not enough. An alcoholic can and will stop drinking if you point a gun at his head. However, without a RECOVERY PLAN, remove the gun and the underlying issues remain hence drinking is almost guaranteed to resume. Your so-called intelligent husband must realize that he is destroying ALL that is truly valuable to him for an illusion. His relationship with OW CAN'T work. They are not special or unique. A relationship built on the destruction of self and others is doomed to failure. NO CONTACT...cold turkey is the first step BUT must be done hand in hand with a RECOVERY PROGRAM.

Dr. Harley is one of the foremost experts on INFIDELITY in the US. He and his staff are available for telephone counseling and can talk to you each individually and as a couple. They can answer more specifically and professionally any question your husband may have. We here on MB are just laymen. We've experienced it and have a cursory grasp of the tools but we are NOT a substitute for the real deal. I know you two have got the money...there is no reason you can't seek out professional assistance.

As far as consequences changing a WH's mind...inevitably if your husband continues his affair to fruition he will have to endure a bitter, contested divorce. If he's lucky he'll get every other weekend visitation with his children. He won't see or talk to his wife and she likely won't be very friendly to him for years to come, if ever. He will always be the bad guy that broke up his marriage and destroyed his family. Eventually, he'll see his wife remarry some decent upstanding man who then will be in assisting in the raising of his children. He will forever be an OUTSIDER to the lives of his children. BTW, after the divorce...the wife is going to look GREAT. She'll do stuff she should have been doing all along but got a bit complacent. She'll work out, eat right, get new trendy clothes along with a trendy new hairstyle and color. His friends will ask him if it's OK if they ask out his Ex-wife and he'll be jealous. He'll soon apologize for all he's done and be filled with regret. But alas...it's too late. He's stuck with a nagging new affair wife in an insiduously sick affair marriage. He can't trust his new wife and she is so selfish and full of entitlement that she nags and prods him for more and more of him until she has eaten away EVERYTHING. He feigns happiness...but he's thrown away so much that he now realizes he can never get it back. The years go by and regret turns his hair gray...but alas...maybe a NEW affair will fix things. It made me happy before and certainly and predictable OLD HABITS resurface and one or both the affair partners begin CHEATING on each other. What they do with you....they'll do to you.

The above is the consequences that MAY at some point turn a WS around into attempting to reconcile. If the BS remains, then the marriage remains savable.

Anyway, here are some interesting links your husband may find poignant:

Shortcut to Suzet’s guide to withdrawal for BS and WS

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2686313


Link to American values study on divorce and happiness

http://www.americanvalues.org/html/does_divorce_make_people_happy.html


Sorry for the rambling...don't feel much like editing...lotsOtypos I'm certain...

SET UP AN APPONTMENT WITH THE HARLEYS

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - I just noticed the specific question was what did Mrs. Wondering do exactly to break off the affair?

A: I was one of the lucky ones...I put enough pressure on the long distance affair that eventually single OM broke up with her to persue more available less complicated opportunities. Otherwise, I would have likely endured months of painful fence sitting with now FWW unable to choose. I am certain FWW would have come to her senses eventually but whether in time to save our marriage that is uncertain. Your husband won't be that lucky cause he is every poisonous woman's wet dream...a "doctor" husband. She will pursue him as a possession forever until your husband wises up and gives her the heave HO (literally ...HO). What's great is nearly every OW shows there true colors once they are dumped. He will end up hating her once she stalks you and your family. Sues the hospital and tries to ruin his career. Flattens the tires on his car. Keys his car. Calls your home at all hours of the night. She will likely become a felon trying to maintain her relevance in his life. After all, he OWES her she left her husband and he killed himself...she did that for HIM....BULL PUCKEY. She did it for a "Doctor" husband, she cares NOT about you otherwise she wouldn't be set to destroy your life. Good woman DO NOT have affairs and do NOT pursue married men. She will stop at nothing to get what she thinks SHE deserves...do you think that kind of attitude in a affair marriage with her will ever lead to YOUR happiness. This woman will stop at NOTHING to get her way. Think about it.

Mr. G...YOU OWE HER NOTHING. SAVE YOUR FAMILY...DUMP HER A$$.

Finally, Mr. G...is this WHO you imagined you'd be someday. Did you grow up believing you'd end up cheating on your wife, divorced and then separated from your children forever. Is this YOUR DREAM??? You are a guy that makes his dreams come true. You set out on the long arduous journey to become a doctor. It wasn't easy and there were many obstacles along the way. However, this dream of having a wonderful, happy relationship with OW is just an illusion. It's IMPOSSIBLE. No matter what you do you can't make the DREAM of happiness with her reality. Your REAL wife and family...you can attain such dream of HAPPINESS. Your marriage has been long and at time arduous but YOUR WIFE has been there all along SHARING, PARTICIPATING AND SUPPORTING your dreams. OW will NOT support ANY of your dreams...It's all about HER dreams of getting a doctor husband. Do you really want to be somebodies TROPHY???

Sorry rambling again...I'm out.

do you have an update for us?

Just checking in on you. Are you still here are you doin plan A? {pst your questions for us.