And I have a follow up question for everyone here -- how do I now prove to Last Dance that she always was, will be, and always will be the only gal for me? How do I let her know that I know that even though I've engaged in behavior for which I'm responsible and am very sorry, and that our marriage is now very much in jeopardy, that I'd like to try out what a new one might feel like? That I'm not rushing to see everything fixed, but that I want to get to a point where we can at least experiment more actively in seeing whether a new and better one can be built?

We are also going to the Marriage Builders weekend this weekend. Any thoughts from anyone -- given where we're at -- as to how we can get the most from it? How best to approach it?

Welcome Last Dance. I hope you will post on your own thread. Often married couples who post on the same thread don't get all the help they could get.

I would not have any children with your husband until he has proven for several years that he is taking care of HIS problem. It is not your problem.

And wherefrom, you will have to rebuild trust over time by NOT engaging in these behaviors - I don't buy the "acting out" explanation. In your marriage vows, you probably promised to "forsake all others". You are extremely early in your marriage to break that vow.

You might want to check out the website for Sexaholics Anonymous - a 12-step group similar to AA only for people who have sexual addiction issues.

www.sa.org

From their website:

What is Sexaholics Anonymous?


Sexaholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover.

The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober. There are no dues or fees for SA membership; we are self-supporting through our own contributions.

SA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization, or institution; does not wish to engage in any controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any causes.

Our primary purpose is to stay sexually sober and help others to achieve sexual sobriety.*

Sexaholics Anonymous is a recovery program based on the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous and received permission from AA to use its Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions in 1979.

*Adapted with permission from The AA Grapevine, Inc.
SA adaptation © 1982, 1989, 2001 SA Literature.
Reprinted with permission of SA Literature.

The Problem

Many of us felt inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid. Our insides never matched what we saw on the outsides of others.

Early on, we came to feel disconnected -- from parents, from peers, from ourselves. We tuned out with fantasy and masturbation. We plugged in by drinking in the pictures, the images, and pursuing the objects of our fantasies. We lusted and wanted to be lusted after.

We became true addicts: sex with self, promiscuity, adultery, dependency relationships, and more fantasy. We got it through the eyes; we bought it, we sold it, we traded it, we gave it away. We were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, the forbidden. The only way we knew to be free of it was to do it. "Please connect with me and make me whole!" we cried with outstretched arms. Lusting after the Big Fix, we gave away our power to others.

This produced guilt, self-hatred, remorse, emptiness, and pain, and we were driven ever inward, away from reality, away from love, lost inside ourselves.

Our habit made true intimacy impossible. We could never know real union with another because we were addicted to the unreal. We went for the "chemistry," the connection that had the magic, because it by-passed intimacy and true union. Fantasy corrupted the real; lust killed love.

First addicts, then love cripples, we took from others to fill up what was lacking in ourselves. Conning ourselves time and again that the next one would save us, we were really losing our lives.

© 1982, 1989, 2001 SA Literature.
Reprinted with permission of SA Literature.


When the time is right, your wife might want to check out the co-addict group - similar to AlAnon:

www.sanon.org

Thanks for chiming in, Cinders. Another good one is recoverynation.

I don't think anything is that cut and dried. I may be many things, but I don't think I'm a sex addict. I do have issues, and I am in both marriage and individual counseling. I also have a great many very good qualities that aren't emerging in this narrative. I'm not trying to be combative with all of you, or either rationalize or pathologize my own behavior, but:

a) people's behavior (including mine) is more nuanced than it seems.

b) there's a lot of good in both me and our relationship.

So frankly I don't think I'm a candidate for SAA, nor do I think we have to wait a few years to have a kid. Just did a mind and body check as I sit here alone in our house in the forest, and don't think I'm going to repeat the behavior, and I think I'm otherwise a pretty good husband to my wife. This episode has broken us open to give us a chance of having a much deeper relationship than we had before. And the one we had before was pretty deep.

Not going to plead my case further. I am a writer by profession, and words mean a lot to me. I take them seriously.

But let me close with this. If I thought this was going to happen again, I would let her go. Really. Because I love her enough not to put her through this again. I am posting on a public message board, and I will assert this: As God is my witness, I will not transgress on my marriage again.

Hello Wherefrom,

I can relate to your wife's situation, the only difference is that I am not married but I have been in a serious relationship for 7 years (we are what otehrs ses us as the perfect couple), I know one thing for sure is that your wife is definately not alone in the Bay Area, because I live in the South Bay, and after my BF visted many MP and Pros, adn with my extended research on this, I believe that a good majority of the men here in the Bay Area have used escorts, due to the plentiful 'supply' here in the Bay Area. You are probably familiar with the RB site used here in the Bay Area...? I too found out about it from checking the computer history, but my BF knew that I am an extreamly smart woman, so he tried to cover all his acts, all the way to the point where he purchased a pay-as-you-go phone (something that I know they recommend on RB), but as he knew, I was way too smart about finding almost EVERYTHING, including the pros he slept with (I even spoke to one of his ATF). Well, this was definately the most devistating experience I have ever encountered, I have been raped and molested in the past, and this pain of my BF using escorts/hookers/prostitutes is not even close to those pain. I lost more tha 17lbs in just the first week of d-day, and I wasn't even over weight to begin with. This has totally crushed my self-esteem, not only did I have low self-esteem, I had no self esteem at all, and I know that I am a very attractive women. I pretty much went through the same emotions as what they describe in regular EA books with maybe a few differences. The good news is that at first I thought that my BF was a SA, and he said that he wasn't, he never gave me an answer until a few months after d-day (during the first several months after d-day, he was still secretly visiting MPs and Pros, and kept his pay-as-you-go-phone even after I confronted him). He too thougth nothing more, thinking that there were no emotions attached (true to some extent, but if there really were no emotions involved, I'd probably wouldn't have sense that something was wrong). After a few months of recovery for both of us, he finally did come up with an answer to his actions, which I did find quite satisfied, he said that it was "Weak Character", and being very selfish. He has been working really hard to make me happy, and help me recover as well, I did find that the more open he is/was, the faster I recovered, even though it is very embarassing to him...one thing I can tell you is that you are doing so much more than he was/is, my BF will only discuss if I asked about it, and still sometimes not get into details. I printed out Dr. Harley's basic concept for him to read, and he didn't find most stuff useful, except for the 'giver and taker' part. The comming up seminar this weekend is too expensive for us, plus I'll be out of the country for a couple of weeks, so please keep me posted if you do decide to go. I am sure that most couples who attend the SF seminar probably have very similar situations as yours and mine. Feel free to ask me anything else, as far as to helping the recovering process. I am almost healed, after a little over a year after d-day.