I need some advice. I have been divorced for over 8 years and it was a pretty nasty divorce so we won't go there. Anyway I learned from it and my dating in the subsequent years following my divorce what not to do and what to look for. In the last four years I have dated infrequently and when I do it hasn't lasted more than a month usually because there is something about the other person I can't live with and most are only a few dates and it is done. I am pretty picky and figure that if isn't going anywhere why try to force it... It is also easier being single and happy than with someone just for the sake of not being alone.

So here is my dilema I met a really super great woman two weeks ago. She is very beautiful and has good morals. She actually came up to me and introduced herself because she noticed me looking at her and we smiled at each other from across the room, I noticed her previously and was talking about how in just her looks and how she carried herself that she was the type of woman I could deal with for a long time to one of my buds when she came up and introduced herself. I was like a deer in the headlights kind of dumbfounded and probably turned ten shades of red but then her and I began to talk and from then on we clicked like neither of us have ever clicked with someone else. I asked her why she came up to me and she stated because usually guys try to pursue her and they end up being jerks and she never pursues anyone she is interested in and she thought I was very good looking and had kind eyes and thought she would give it a shot finally. She said she couldn't believe what she was doing when she was walking up to me and almost turned around but then when she got up to me she was already there. I thought it was adorable. She was on vacation in Alaska where I live to visit her parents for a week, and the day we met was the first day she was in town.

After we met we spent most of the week together going out fishing, hiking, talking, site seeing, romantic dinners we were both on cloud nine and both felt the same about most everything we talked about and smiled ear to ear the entire time holding hands and kissing like it was our first Love. I was kind of freaking a little because it was the first time I couldn't find anything I didn't like about someone, and she was indicating the same to me, but it was a good thing. She was the one that started to say that we were soulmates, I was thinking it myself too. She has been wanting to come back to Alaska so she is closer to family. She hates where she lives and is trying to come back up here. There are issues with her ex husband and custody however. I told her that she needs to what is best for her and her children, and not to put me in as the deciding factor for moving. However I would Love to have her up here because I know we would be together for a long long time she is the one I have been waiting for I have prayed about this and asked for answers and everything in my gut and heart is telling me she is the one.

She left last Saturday and the day before she left and the day she left has been really hot and cold, when she calls sometimes she is happy and talkative and we are best friends which is how it was for most of the week here. Other times she talks and she is really withdrawn and acts like she doesn't want to even talk to me. This was the case the last time we spoke which was on Thursday. I realize she doesn’t have the ideal life where she is and feels alone there and unhappy from what she has told me. When she called last time I asked her if she was ok and she said she didn't know, and asked if she still wanted to be with me and said she didn't know and then asked well how do you feel about me in general, and she said she didn't know, then I asked do you even like me, she said of course I like you. Then I told her that talking on the phone isn't the best because you can't see and touch the person to feel exactly how they are and I wish she was here so we could talk in person so she could see that I am still smiling most the time and it made her giggle a bit. She said she is trying to come up here. I asked her what she felt about me coming down to visit her and she said she didn't want me to do that. I asked why and she said she didn't want me to do that and begged me to promise her that I wouldn't. This is when I asked her why what is there that she doesn't want me to see. She said nothing, and I said I am confused by this. Then she said she has to go, and I was a little upset because I wanted to talk more, and she said she didn't have to call and I should be happy she did. I couldn't believe her demeanor, it wasn't the person I knew up here and it made me feel like she wasn't telling me the entire story. I tried calling her back that day and she didn’t take my call got her voice mail.

Like I said I feel like this woman is the one for me and I don't know if she is scared now or had a relationship that she didn't tell me about before she came up and doesn't want me to know about it. I have spoken to some of my female friends to get their perspective and they say either she is in a relationship down there or she thinks if I see how she lives down there I will feel differently about her and not want her. I am so confused. It was so great while she was here. My gut is telling me still she is the one, my gut hasn't been wrong up to this point. I still feel like there is something else going on however.

I left her a message yesterday on her phone telling her that I am going to give her space and time and that I want her to be in my life most importantly as a friend first above all and if it still develops into more in the future then great if not that is ok too. I don't want to pressure her into something she isn't ready for and I will let her decide when she wants to talk. I told her that we need to be friends and open up and be completely honest even if it hurts each other’s feelings to a certain extent because if we are not friends first then there is no future of having a lasting relationship of any kind. I told her that I want her to be happy and see her smiling and she needs to do what makes her happy and I want and need to be happy too and I will do what I need to so I am happy as well and I will be waiting for her and won't push her away and don't want to hurt her and want her in my life because I think she is a special person. She hasn't called me yet.

I am so confused and have a knot in my gut because I honestly was falling in Love with this woman and she stated she was too. I went from being on cloud nine to being somewhat depressed. I am just being a fool and was I just some sort of vacation fling? Or is she just scared. I have all these fond memories here of her and I because this is where it all happened and she has none there of her and I other than what she has in her mind. I met her family up here and her sister was telling me this was the happiest she has ever seen her sister with anyone when we went out one night last week, which only adds to my confusion. My friend told me the same thing about me too, which is true. I think my backing off was the best thing I could do at this time. I will let her think about us and what could be. I can't keep putting myself through this hot cold hot cold scenario it is starting to drive me crazy and that will lead me to get upset and most likely say or do something I will regret so the best thing for me is to back off. Could someone please give me some insight into what may going on and am I on the right track. I really don't want to lose this woman but if it is Gods will it will happen and if it isn't it won't. Thanks.

M

Welcome to MB. Well, my advice would be what most of here are told at one point or another: Slow down. One week, when one of you is on vacation without the kids, does not a relationship make. Nope, not even if the two of you have never been happier. What you experienced was fun and exciting and intense and may be a good way to start a relationship, it just didn’t have the foundation of reality.

Reality is why the woman is blowing hot and cold. Reality is she may not be able to move out of state with her children. Reality is even if she does, she’ll be robbing her children of a relationship with their father. Reality is her children probably don’t want to move because their life is there, even if their mother’s isn’t. Reality is if the kids are moved to Alaska against their will so Mommy can be with her new boyfriend, they’ll resent you and make your life and her life heck. She’s thinking about all this now that she’s removed from the intense infatuation you two felt. That’s why she’s hot and cold.

If I were in your position, I’d try being her friend for a while. Talk to her on the phone, but not with the level of intensity you two had when you were together. I’d also suggest you go down there and visit her in a while. See the lady in her own environment with the pressures of life around her.

Thanks for the post Greengables.

I appreciate what you say. However, what I wrote was that she doesn't want me to come down to visit her for whatever reason. She does and has wanted to come up to Alaska even before she met me and when she was married, this is where she grew up and she wants to be closer to family who also live here, her ex refused to even visit here much the less contemplate moving here. If she did move up here it wouldn't be to be with me, it would be to be with family although it would allow us to be together too.

We did discuss the part about her kids and their father, she does have the same concerns that you brought up as I do also but at the same time she feels that moving up here would benefit her children in many other ways and is torn. I understand that part and it would be something that she needs to decide on her own and not for my sake and make sure the kids are ok with it too. It is a difficult situation. I agree that it is hard to tear kids away from parents, but when the parent isn't the best influence on the child then sometimes it is good. I know I had to decide whether or not to move myself with my daughter who was being abused and neglected by her mother and her boyfriend, I fought to get custody of and won and then moved not only for my sanity but for my daughters as well. Kids need healthy happy parents who can properly care for their children and doing something just for the sake of one parent while the children live with a unhealthy unhappy parent can be worse on children in the long run. There are many kids in the this world that have parents that live in different parts of the country and they still maintain relationships with both parents and grow up to be healthy happy adults. What kids really need is a mother and father who they can look up to and respect and look to as role models to live as a family unit not two separate parents that may have different ideals and are not that nice to each other. The latter is the reality of divorce unfortunately in most cases. But like I said this isn't my decision to make and I don't want it to be. I guess what I am saying is divorce is never good for kids no matter how you try to resolve it and the family structure intact as a marriage is always the best for kids.

Something I didn't mention about her was she has had kidney problems and had one kidney surgically removed already. She was fine for a while but now has similar problems that prompted her kidney to be removed and has constant pain again she has undergone multiple tests to see what is wrong and the doctors can not find anything conclusive. She is scared of this and fears the worst and needs the support of her mother in a big way, this is why she really wants to be closer to family. This along with the stress of where she is living trying to be a single mother and deal with an ex husband who might be good with the children but isn't very nice to her is overwhelming for her.

When she left we both agreed that it would be difficult and that a relationship between us may end up being only friends. That was acceptable to me because I would rather have her for a friend than nothing at all because she is a good person, but I am not sure if it is for her or not since she isn't really discussing how she feels right now.

If I were in her shoes I guess I would be hot and cold too. Sometimes it is easier to run from something that scares you than it is to deal with it. I still have been praying and know that what needs to happen will happen no matter if I like it or not. I guess I am starting to come to terms with this a little bit more. I still really care for this woman and know that good things still could be on the horizon but I am not banking on it either. Just taking what comes of it and will have to accept it. Thanks again.

M

Update:

She just called me and we talked. She does feel the same way I do she was falling for me as much as I was for her. We both feel that we both have all the qualities that each of us was looking for. She was mad that she found me 1500 miles away from where she lives, and was confused about what to do because of the difficulty of trying to be together. Reality set in for both of us she lives there and I live here and a relationship other than friendship right now is pretty much impossible until we can be together.

She did also admit she was seeing someone off and on before she came up here which added to her confusion. She told me she is going to see what happens with him since he is there. That did hurt me and makes me sad but I understand and want her to be happy. I can't force her to pack up and leave to come up here. I did say that I would be willing to move down to be with her and she said the timing isn't right now. Maybe in the future we will end up being together I still have hope but will live my life as it comes until then. I am still heartbroken but have to accept it.

M

Man oh man Blind...I'm so sorry. I know this hurts badly!! Long distance relationships (LDR) are really REALLY tough to deal with. I know from painful experience.

Now it's time for the open your hand and let her fly away wisdom. Like a butterfly, let her go. If she's meant to come back to you she will. If not, you loved her the best way you could...you let her go be free to chose & live her life the best she could under the circumstances she's in.

It ain't over for you my brother!! There is One who sees all & He's gonna step up for you & give you your heart's desire some day....

Have Faith!!
High Flight

She was seeing someone else. She had an intense, free-fall week with you, and doesn't mention the guy back home. Instead she talks about moving to Alaska to be with her family.

Blind, I think this may be for the best. She doesn't sound like she's in a good place right now to embark on a serious relationship.

Thanks for the words of encouragement High Flight. Life throws some curve balls at you sometimes that you are not expecting. I don't know where this woman is exactly at like Greengables states. She is up and down and all around when it comes to what she really wants to do, so it is probably for the best right now. I said I would accept whatever comes of it and this seems to be it. Everything happens for a reason. However, I think this may continue someday in the future, the blind will see.

Strangest thing happened after she called me yesterday. A female friend of mine from out of town got in touch with me and said she will be in town all this week. We used to work for the same place and when I had to travel to her town she took me all around and it was a kick. Now I can repay the favor and show her around my town she has never been here so it will be fun. It will help to get my mind off of this current situation, anyhow. Thanks again.

M

Well here is an update. I ended up taking my friend around town on the second night she was here and it turns out that she is separated from her husband. She said she just needed some space from him didn't want a divorce just wanted time alone. Well when we were out and about she was trying to get closer to me than I felt comfortable with and if I would have pushed the issue I am sure something would have happened. She is very attractive and she was telling me what a catch I would be and couldn't understand why I was still single and if she were single she would date me in a heartbeat so you get the picture. Anyway my moral's will not allow me to get involved with a married woman and I told her so. Anyway she told her husband that she had been with me, which I didn't really care because all I was doing was showing her around town since it was all new to her and this is one of the most popular tourist destinations in the US, so it is a nice place to see. I guess he must have gotten kind of jealous, which I can understand because he doesn't know we are truly just friends at least that is all I want to be. Not sure what she told him though. Anyway, now my friend is back home and she won't even talk to me. I am not sure if she thought something would happen between us and is mad because it didn't or if she is just trying to break communication off to appease her husband. It was a situation I didn't want to deal with anyway, I just wanted to show a friend around like she did for me. Not what I needed after dealing with what I did last week. Hopefully I didn't lose a friend over something really stupid.

I also found out some more things about the woman that I fell head over heals for. I now know there are more reasons for her withdrawal from me than just having a sideburner relationship back home. Her kidney problems she is having I believe are self induced. When she was here we discussed if either of us had fallen this fast for someone before or had been this attracted to someone. I told her about a woman that I dated. She was gorgeous, had a great job as the drug and alcohol coordinator at a hospital, worked out every day, and was a good mother from what I could tell, and dressed very nice too. Her kids went to the same school as my daughter and her daughter was in the same class as my daughter. My daughter called her the pretty Mom, and I was infatuated with her for months before we really began talking. Anyway our daughters started to talk and her daughter told my daughter that her mom thought I was cute and then my daughter told her daughter that I thought she was pretty and the two girls ended up getting us to talk and we started to date. Well after a month or so of dating I found out that she was a closet alcholic that drank alone at night. I stopped by one night and she was trashed and became a different person and would get so drunk she would pass out. This happened quite a few times and I confronted her about it and told her she needed to do something for her sake and her kids sake. She got mad at me and we ended up breaking up. After telling Amy about this she became withdrawn herself. One night when she was here she called me and wanted me to come see her, when I did she was drunk, I asked her why she was drunk and she said because she was in such pain from her kidneys and sometimes it helps to drink. It so happens that one of my friends lives by her parents and has seen her up here the last couple of years with her husband the last time and she had a drinking problem then. Anyway, Amy won't call me back on the phone I haven't said anything about her drinking since that night but I am assuming she is figuring that I would dump her too if we dated. I don't know. Perhaps this is all for the best anyway. I don't need all of this drama in my life right now.

I thought I met the woman of my dreams and it just goes to show that everything may not be as it seems. Time always tells. I still really care for Amy but I don't think she is in a good place right now and I hope she gets things figured out. We will see, there really is nothing I can do but pray for her. I guess my buddies are right in that I am a somewhat of a psycho-magnet. The women I attract are beautiful but they have issues. Why can't I just meet someone that I am attracted to that doesn't have these hidden issues? It is frustrating and it does hurt because before I find out I am already attached which makes it hard to move on.

I want to find someone that I can be best friends with but who I am also very attracted to physically, I want the whole package not just part of it, but I don't need these hidden issues. I will wait to see what God has in store for me. I am trying to learn patience and to accept what I have and be at peace with that. God bless.

M

BWS, I’m sorry things didn’t turn out the way you had hoped. After being in a couple of those infatuations in my youth, I’ve become deeply suspicious of anyone who gets too intimate too soon.

Anyway, I’m sure you’ll find a woman who can be your best friend and lover. Time and patience. And when you find her, don't be alarmed a few little hidden issues. We all have them. It's how we've learned to work through them that counts. (Addiction is not a little issue.)

Another update...

I have spoken to Amy a couple of times since she left. I had scheduled a trip to go down and see one of my friends near where she lives and wanted to go visit her too. I called her and left her a message letting her know I was coming to town. She ended up calling me the day before I was to leave and I ended up not being able to go because my friend I was going to stay with had to leave out of town. Anyway Amy said she was actually looking forward to seeing me, a complete 180 from where she was before. She even started talking about maybe us being together in the future and places that we both would be happy living in. So a week went by and I decided to schedule another trip to visit my friend at the end of this month, and called and told her that if she was up for it I would like to come and see her. She didn't call me back until a week later and stated she didn't want me to come and see her and didn't know if it was even a good idea to be even friends. I was shocked and told her I don't understand the back and forth message she keeps giving me and told her how I felt and wanted to be at least friends and didn't understand why she keeps freaking out. She said that only reason that I made the trip was to come and see her, and I told her that this trip had been planned for an unspecified date before I even met her which was the absolute truth, and it just worked out that I could come and see her too if she wanted it. I told her I would call her when I get down there to see if she had changed her mind.

Anyway, I changed my plans have changed. I ended up getting free tickets to the Seahawks-Giants game in Seattle for this weekend and will be going down for four days and drive to my buddies place and offered her to go to the game with me if she was up for it and if not I could take my buddy and visit her the days following the game, but wanted to have her be my first option because she has never been to a Seahawk game and told me she is a fan. I left her a voice message letting her know the change three days ago and still haven't heard anything.

So I am not going to worry about it I will end up taking my buddy who is probably hoping she won't go anyway. I don't understand Amy she is so back and forth it is driving me crazy. As far as I am concerned this is the last time I am going to try with her. The last time I talked to her she acted like nothing happened between us and I am living in some fantasy land or something until I reminded her of all the things we did together while she was here and what she told me, then she was just quiet. I am really beginning to believe this woman has some serious issues, more than I thought. It is too bad because she seems like she could be a really great woman if she just allowed herself to be, and trust people to be what they are for face value.

Anyway, I am mad, sad, and dissappointed at the same time. I am mad at myself for falling for someone so quickly and allowing myself to get wrapped up in it. My thinking now is I will not allow a confused woman to bring me down, I am going to have a good time when I am down in Seattle regardless if she is with me or not, that is why I had backup plans to have my buddies go if she fell through which it appears she is now. Oh well it is her loss, she doesn't know what a nice guy she is passing up by playing mind games. I just want honesty and someone that knows what they want which she aparently doesn't know at all and keeps changing her mind. I guess this is how it was meant to be and someone up above is trying to tell me something, she probably isn't the one. My instinct now is just to bag it and give up completely on her and move on which seems to be the healthy thing to do. Otherwise this back and forth insanity will drive me crazy and I don't need to deal with it. I just hope some day Amy realizes what she wants and can be truly happy.

M

Confused,

Sorry for your pain.

I think you need to forget about this woman totally she has issues she needs to resolve on her own, and I hope you will learn next time to please take things slowly and know that even though you can click with a woman, she may or may not be the one for you in the long run. Guard your emotions until you see who she is.

Anna

blind, you still don't see.

what you are doing is not using your brain or thinking cap to eliminate weird, disordered, people. One weekend, anyone can fake, stressful situations show what a person is really made of, and that is what you base your jusdgements on. . .

learn to discriminate. . .

wiftty

Blind, maybe she could be a great person. She could also be a terrible person. Right now, she’s a messed up person. Probably, the mind games aren’t personal. She is not intentionally hurting you. However, she’s a bit old to be unintentionally, selfishly hurting you by her back and forth. I wonder also if you really have the whole story. It sounds like there’s someone serious in the picture but she also wants you. You could be the unwitting “Other Man.”

Update:

After not hearing from Amy when I was down in Seattle in which I had an excellent time, I haven't contacted her since nor do I plan to. Like I said it was her loss not mine and I probably had a better time without her than I would have with her taking the situation into account. Her parents and sister live up here and I hope she doesn't contact me when she comes back to visit. I really want nothing to do with her now, I want someone that knows what they want and isn't wishy washy and someone who will do what they say they will and not change from one day to the next and someone that can be honest up front. My friends are honest and tell me the way it is even if I don't like it and if a relationship is going to have some chance of lasting friendship needs to come first and foremost.

Usually I take things pretty slow and don't get caught up in the whole emotional thing. For whatever reason Amy was different than other women I have dated, and allowing myself to be the way I was with her was completely outside of my usual character. I am back to just being me and enjoying what comes my way. I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met Amy and I am not looking for one now. If I meet the right person time will tell. Anyway, this was a good forum for me to vent my feelings and frustrations. Thanks for the support. It is time to turn the page and move forward better things are yet to come. God Bless..
;-)

M

ah, that is just an excuse for poor decision making. . . it is totally in your character, beause you did it, and there was no one pointing the gun at your head.

you took whatever came along, and then had a good time with an interesting and attractive to you woman, noting wrong with that, except that your after thoughts went completely wild with rationalizations and assumptions. . .

as i said, you still don't see yet, otherwise, you would not have had any thoughts about this person being the one as soon as she said that you can't come see her. .

wiftty