I been reading through alot of your posts and I need to apologize to some of you for the way my first post must have come across. Reading through some of your posts, it seems that many of you were/are in the same situation I was in where YOUR needs were unmet for years, you were mistreated and shut out, but then your spouse had the nerve to cheat on you! My heart goes out to you all because if the shoe were on the other foot and after putting up with my husband's b.s. for all this time he had cheated on me, I think I would have had to be taken to either jail (because I would have murdered him), or to the looney bin. I definitley can relate to the anger you all feel. I wish more of you could relate to mine because we probaly have more in common than one would think.<P>Okay, my questions are this. <P>#1. If you could go back in time and leave your spouse before he or she had a chance to cheat on you, would you?<P>#2. Do you ever wish you had cheated on your spouse FIRST, before he or she cheated on you?<P>#3. Do you ever think about having an affair now?<P>#4. Knowing what you know now, would you still marry your same spouse again?<P>Thanks for your time.

#1 - No, I've thought about that ? for a while, and I realize that I married her becuase I am in love with her.<P>#2 - No, I wouldn't want to put her through what I am going through. I love her too much to cause her pain like that. Once you've been betrayed you know how much pain that can cause.<P>#3 - It has crossed my mind once or twice, but I'll refer to my answer to #2.<P>#4 - I would marry her all over again, but I would be a little more careful. I thought things were great in our marriage. She still says I didn't do anything wrong, but something caused it. This is a hard time in our lives and I will never think of her in the same way again, but I know I love her more than anything. This will always haunt me, I hope I can make it not haunt our marriage.

#1 No<BR>#2 No<BR>#3 No<BR>#4 Yes<P> If a person had these options they would hopefully fix what went wrong before it ever does. I love my wife and would marry her all over again. I cherish the time we've had together and even in these trying times I'm sure to become a better person for it. The strongest steel is the steel that goes through the hottest fire.

Male perspective here. I am the betrayed.<BR>#1. If you could go back in time and leave your spouse before he or she had a chance to<BR>cheat on you, would you?<P>No. Yes, it sounds crazy. She was then and still is now God's gift to me.<P>#2. Do you ever wish you had cheated on your spouse FIRST, before he or she cheated on<BR>you?<P>No, because I wouldn't want her to experience the pain that I have gone through with all this. She still is God's gift to me.<P>#3. Do you ever think about having an affair now? <BR>Yes, when I feel weak and want to retaliate. However, it is not very often. When I do feel this way, I go read my Bible to get my focus back or come here to read or talk to friends here in town.<P>#4. Knowing what you know now, would you still marry your same spouse again?<BR>Yes!!!! I know this sounds crazy too. I have grown closer to God as a result of what has happened and thereby learned to have more compassion for my W. She is still His gift to me. I have sinned as she has sinned. I love her because He taught me how to love completely and unconditionally.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

PodPerson,<P>I'm glad you are taking time here. This place just about saved my sanity and I have learned a great deal from some very wise people. Welcome.<P>1. No...although the pain of betrayal has been crushing.<P>2. No. Cheating would be a betrayal of my own valules as much as it would be of my spouse. <P>3. No. The idea repulses me. Truly.<P>4. Honestly, I can not imagine my kids not being people (you know what I mean), I believe we have a great, almost charmed life, and do have a very good marriage that has every chance of becoming even better. I do believe that my H had doubts between the time of our engagement and wedding. He brought them up and honestly what he brought up was so minor (would I mind if he continued in his recreational pursuits - no I would encourage it) that I honestly thought he only had cold feet. So no, I guess if I could go back I would set him free. But choices have been made, we have a life, we have a family and we have a love we are determined to protect so nothing like this ever happens again.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

#1 No way. If I could go back in time there are a lot of decisions and some of the things about me that have caused problems in our marriage that I would change.<P>#2 Never! Cheating would only have caused everyone in my family pain, not just my spouse. I realise PP that your husband needed the proverbial 2 x 4 and so did I, but I still cannot wish this on anyone or their family.<P>#3 No not even if I was guaranteed to "get away with it". The guilt felt by the betrayers is too real. Even if I knew I was getting divorced I would feel guilty for my kids who look for me to be a moral role model.<P>#4. This question was harder for me. If I knew she was going to end up having an affair, probably not. Because of the affair we never worked on our problems and the divorce train just keeps rolling. But then I wouldn't have the same kids I adore. If because of what I know now, that which needed to be changed and the affair could be avoided then definitely yes! Because even now though love is fading, I do love my wife.

1) no<BR>2) no<BR>3) no<BR>4) YES<P>Podperson - <P>I LOVE my husband...what we have gone through is all a part of life. There is nothing unique or extraordinary in anyone's behavior.....<P>Everyone deals with situations differently. Some take advantage of others.....some take care of others.<BR>I believe that the way spouses treat each other comes from a few different causes....it is those causes, or reasons within their mind that must be discovered, brought to light and fixed in a manner that is beneficial to the person as well as the marriage.<P>In my case..my husband is running away from responsibility after some life changing experiences. His escape route has been women and joining up with single, divorced or just plain messed up other people. He has no cares in this little world he thinks he is in.<P>What does it do for me to be angry or bitter about the way he has treated me and our marriage? Does it help me?<P>What good does it do the person I love to turn my back on him? Does it help him with looking at what he is running from? <P>Your situation is different then mine in many ways.....but there are similarities, also.<P>You have had years of certain behaviors that you do not like and that have diminished the closeness between you and your H. Those behaviors are on both sides - not just one!! You may believe that you have tried all you can to get H to change.....but what you've tried has not worked. I did the same...I thought that I had tried all I could to make H see his errors and what we needed to do to fix things.<P>What I have discovered since coming to MB is that there were a lot of other ways to do things.....The Art of Communication is just one...but it is the key!!!! <P>Perhaps, like me, you are the stronger one when it comes to emotions and fixing. I know that my H would be perfectly content to not have to "think" about his end of the relationship. What is needed is to get them to remember that they have to think.....And that part is up to the ones (us) who are more aware of the problems.<P>You are very lucky in that counseling is involved with your situation.....use it to your advantage. Make sure that you have a good counselor and besides deng with the affair part of his emotions..get down to the reasons why his behavior has become what it is.<P>Use the MB tools....Emotional Needs questionnaire, lovebusters, POJA, etc.<BR>Make the counselor aware of them and let Him/Her aide you in introducing them into the marriage.<P>I hope this helps.....the best thing to do is to get deeper into the reasons that the offending behaviors (on both parts0 are there and what you both should do to change and avoid them.<P>The biggest thing to be accomplished is to get back to being a team not separate identities pushing at each other. But separate people with one goal and loving support for each other.<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba <p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited October 04, 1999).]

NO<BR>No<BR>No<BR>Yes, only if the necessary changes took place first.

1. no<BR>2. no<BR>3. no<BR>4. no

Thanks for all the interesting replies. I had to take a few minutes to think what my own answers would be.<P>#1. Yes, I would have left my husband 10 years ago when I begged him to go to counseling but he told me he didn't have a problem, just I did.<P>#2. I am glad I was the one who cheated. I can live with myself making a mistake, but I don't think I could have lived through being crapped on for 20 years and then cheated on. Like I said, somebody would have had to die if that happened.<P>#3. Not applicable. Been there, done that, and like alot of you, I have no desire to do it again. Next time I'll leave first..<P>#4. Maybe, but like I said, I would have divorced him long ago. Then I'd still have my kids and maybe I could have found a mate more suitable to me and have lived happily all these years.

1. No. I wouldn't trade all the wonderful years for anything.<P>2. No. <P>3. No. Even the thought of dating scares me! I know I'll never find anyone like my H. <P>4. Yes. He is perfect for me (with one little exception )<BR>

OK, here goes...<P>1. No. Not in a million years.<BR>2. No. I wouldn't wish that pain on my enemy (ok, well maybe on Sweetie), certainly not on someone I love.<BR>3. No. I'm married and in love w/ my alien h.<BR>4. Yes. But I'd be more observant and more conciencious of my marriage, even during the crisis times. I hope to be able to try that out soon.

Pod,<P>You know,,I thought the same thing when I read your first post. I could really identify with your problems in your marriage and really felt we had alot in common, except for the resulting affair. He had one, I didn't. I hated what you were saying, but gosh darn, I understood!! <P>To answer your questions,,,<BR>#1- No, I wouldn't have left him. At the time he met the OW we had already been married 20 yrs, had been through SOO much and I thought we had time to work on us later, when everything else was resolved.<P>#2 No, I'd never inflict that kind of pain on him nor could I live with myself. Not pretending in any way, shape or form to be "holier than thou" but fidelity has always been of major importance to me,,even prior to knowing it was a problem in my marriage. And he knew that!<P>#3. Yes and no,,I have a male dominated career and have had many opportunities, as we all have had, and chose to back off the moment I felt uncomfortable. <P>#4. Yes,,in a heartbeat. Without him I wouldn't have had my kids and my darling grandchildren. And we did have many good years. But I would do things much differently than I did. If only I knew then what I know now. Famous last words.

Pod -<P>Good set of questions.<P>1. No, I love him dearly and know that with God's help we can recover from the affair, accident and his alcohol problem. <P>2. Not in a million years. I wouldn't even wish that pain on the OW (and I have wished a lot of things on her)LOL. Seriously, I would hate to think I ever wounded anyone that badly. I thought I would die.<P>3. No.Refer to #2. Besides, I couldn't imagine ever being with anyone other than my H. I love him.<P>4. YES. Although my life has been anything but a bed of roses. Well, maybe thorny ones. I would marry him again.<P>All the good and bad has made me a better person today. I have compassion and empathy that I never had. I TRY not to judge. But mostly, God has become a real factor in my life. I might not have called on Him so soon.<P>God bless

PodPerson -- <P>1. Absolutely not.<BR>2. No. I have been acused of being an a@shole many times in my life, but I have never been that big an a*shole.<BR>3. NOW?? NO!!!! Have I thought about since discovery? yea for about 2 minutes. Then I realized what that would mean, and immediately knew that was NOT going to happen.<BR>4. Without question YES!!!!!!! I would definitely do things differently though.<P>God Bless

#1: No, I wouldn't leave my H. Even though we suffered, we both became better human beings as a result. It sounds cheesy, but it's true.<P>#2: No... I'm not interested in vengeance. Besides, before our "troubles" I never even glanced at another man.<P>#3: Yes. I have to admit the thought has crossed my mind, but not for vengeance, or lust, or because of opportunity (of which there has been plenty). I have never strayed because I would not want to inflict such pain on my H, I would not want to damage my relationship with my H, and I cannot bring myself to even touch another man whom I do not love. The only reason I have ever even considered such an action is because of loneliness and a desire for companionship; so many long nights (and days) alone can be a strain on a person's soul...<P>#4: Yes. I have learned so much about life and love and humanity, from everything that has happened in our relationship (good and bad), that to turn my back on such an enriching experience would be uttery folly.<P>Elixir

1 No. If I knew she was going to cheat, I would make sure things didn’t get to that point.<BR>2 No.<BR>3 No, although some female companionship would be nice.<BR>4 Absolutely!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Hi there gals and guys,<P>Just stumbled upon this post. It's a neat one and thought-provoking for sure. Frustrating tho' that sometimes because there are so many of us here that good threads sink fast!<P>I thought I'd share a perspective with you... one of the betrayed who eventually caved too. And please, I don't mean to be preachy here, we all are different people and we'll all find out way...but be careful about the concept of "never".<P>I was one who did say "never". It was against everything I believed, against how I was raised, against my concept of self-image. Yet, I did step out of my marriage. And, I accept that I made a conscious choice to do so. Pretty humbling, eh?<P>Again for perspective... a little timeline: W began affair 15 years ago. Off and on-again thing for 6 years, sometimes with over a year in between. I had funny feelings about our relationship fairly early but wasn't sure where they came from, what to do about it, or even (sadly, now) if I cared. <P>I kinda figured out infidelity was a distinct possibility about 4 years after it started. Although, I believe at the time Suse was in the "off" mode. She finally confessed to me after a little over 6 years. My affair didn't begin until 7+ years later.<P>What happened in between? Life. Kids. Suse trying hard to overcome her shame and fear of rejection. Me needing to be closer to someone and not being able to get where I wanted to go with Suse. Presto, affair.<P>Sounds sort of desparate, eh? Yup. I'd just sort of given up. Even tho' I had no intentions of leaving my marriage, I'd just about given up on ever having that intimacy again. Woops! Wrong! Better than ever.<P>So, here's my simpler answers to your questions. Hope they help someone...<P>#1> No. I still feel the same. Wish'd I'd been more attentive to Suse, hers mightn't have happened.<P>#2> Definitely not.<P>#3> Definitely not. We've achieved more intimacy in the last year than I ever thought we'd have. And, a little note to Elixer if you're reading... you're right about sharing tough times making things better. I believe they do. Not cheesy at all!<P>#4> Ayup. We're a very good match for each other. Enough similarities to make things comfortable, enough differences to make things interesting. Guess we both always knew that. How the heck did we forget about it for awhile???? Doh!

1) Yes - Unless there was a way to prevent it from happening<BR>2) No - I did consider it, but couldn't justify the hurt on her part and the guilt on my part that would have resulted. These are things that she evidently didn't consider important.<BR>3) Yes<BR>4) I don't know. There are reasons to say an emphatic "yes" and reasons to say "no".

1)No<BR>2)No. I would never want to hurt anyone like that.<BR>3)Yes. Sometimes I worry that if he were ever to want to come back, he would feel too guilty to, though I can't imagine where I would ever meet any single men - everyone I know is married. I once asked him if it was ok to date, since he was, and he said yes, but watch out for married men!<BR>4)I don't think so. As much as I love my kids and can't imagine life without them, I would not have chosen to bring them into this world if I had known to suffer the pain of abandonment by their father, not only by the fact that he left, but also because he ignores their pleas to spend more time with them. One child said that he probably thinks he loves his kids, but he doesn't know how to love.<BR>