Hi CM! Fellow Canuck here.
I have given my wife a form of an ultimatum. I said no contact with OM, no more overtime, and I wanted to see her phone logs from when she got her phone.
She has agreed to find a new job by January, completely stop overtime (this is when affair was taking place).
They will still be working together, yes? Until NC is established, the A continues. Just because it's not during OT, doesn't mean the relationship is over. Any contact (sight, spoken or physical) keeps the slow-burning fire going. Essentially, she has negotiated to prolong her A until January.
But instead of showing me her phone logs to be sure the affair was not continueing from the time I first exposed. She cancelled her phone. She says I need to show her I can finally trust her without always needing 100% proof from her that things are continueing. And therefore, she is not going to show me her logs.
In other words, she probably has something to hide and is blaming your mistrust (mistrust which is fully warranted, BTW) in order to put up a smokescreen. She doesn't have to *like* doing it, but she does need to provide full transparency (past, present and future) if recovery is going to work.
From the agreed comprhemise, I can be certain the affair, if it was continueing will end. There will be no option for her to see this man, without me being aware/supicious. As her affair took place at work in the office after hours.
Unfortunately, you cannot be certain. Be careful - WSs often try to negotiate a solution that will placate the BS just enough to keep things going on that front while still leaving the door open for the A to continue.
However, should I allow her the benefit of keeping her logs secret from me, on her justification alone. It strikes me as only a reason to hide that it was most likely continueing, and she does not want this information exposed. Should I demand to see these logs, at the risk of seperation. Or just let it slide, and work with the suspition that it did continue, but she is now willing to create an environment where it can no longer be so? Can a marriage survive infidellity if I believe she has not compeltely come clean of the extent of the affair, evn if I now feel the affair is certainly over?
I think you're right that the A continued and she does not want to own up. But even with that assumption, why start recovery (and your new-and-improved marriage) with dishonesty on her part and the enabling of a cover-up on your part? Why should she be able to play the "you don't trust me card" at this point? You don't trust her and you certainly shouldn't.
Why should you allow the threat of separation to bully you into backing down from the full transparency you both need? This sets a dangerous precedent going forward - if she threatens separation, you let her do what she wants, even though it clearly bothers you.
Not an ultimatum - a boundary. Not "show me the logs or else" but "I choose to not be in a relationship with someone who chooses not to do what I have clearly identified is necessary to make me feel safe, particularly given that that person is the one who made the situation unsafe in the first place."
Keep fighting CM - it ain't over, but you're making progress.
Best,
G
(Edited for clarity)
