i have more than 'survived an affair' and thanks to MB we are happier than we've ever been in our 23 year marriage. i now have a friend who i've referred to this site. She is suspicious that her H is seeing this OW and wants to confront her. Should she? i was the WS so it was different in my situation. i can't find concrete info on how to approach another woman.

Before your friend takes the exposure to the OW step, she ought to get a plan together.

Encourage her to read (surviving an affair, etc.), identify her boundaries, learn about plans A & B, setup her personal support group, secure her finances, do a complete background check on the OW, work with a good MC or call Steve H. and pray for a clear mind/calm heart and lots of patience.

My quesetion to you is if you are familar with MB, you would have already known these basic steps. What of the above did you already help her through?


L.

I wouldn't bother confronting OW. All she's going to say is that they're just friends, whether that's true or not.

What your friend CAN do is learn to gather evidence that she can use to expose to OW's family/friends and to confront her WH.

In fact, confronting OW may do more harm than good because then they would know that she suspects. If they think they're being watched they will increase their opsec.

Thank you for your response. She has the book His Needs/Her needs, she has been on this website but not posted yet, she has a great lawyer, been to MC already and is seperated. I never went through any confrontation of OM and never needed this question answered. She is in Plan B right now, after exhausting Plan A for a year. Long story, but suffice it to say, she is on board and i didn't know how to counsel her on approaching the OW. i think i'll tell her not to do it. Sounds like it could be more of a pain. The OW will be suppeonaed to court soon and will have to answer that question under oath.

Again, thanks always to the rules of MB. They saved our marriage and today we remain more than best friends and have so much to give and share with others. We counsel those in need.

G,

Please let your friend know she can post here and we can give her our suggestions but it doesn't replace good MC support.

I can tell you that before confrontation, she needs to have a clear mind, calm heart and a lots of patience. Don't expect the OW to welcome her with open arms. Open claws at best and Active OWs love to inflict pain, then pretend they are the victim.

If your friend wants to hear HORROR contact stories, let us know. I gotz a doozy, so I speak from experience.

Realize though not all Ow contact is horrible but more are. If the OW thinks she has the right t/b in your M as a 3rd party....contact won't work. In fact the OW c/b trying to replace the BS. There was a case where an OW went into the family home and ransacked the wife's jewelry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

L.