Hi everyone,

I have been terribly confused over the last few days. Last year I broke up with my boyfriend of two years (he was Italian, I was Indian, and we met at school). We had a wonderful relationship, but the distance eroded it. In the end a few significant problems (especially the distance and temptations) drove us apart. I had also decided that I was ready to get married but at the time he was unable to commit. During this year we have still been friends and kept in touch. He recently came to see me and this time is sure that he wants to commit to me and get married.

In the past year however, I have met someone else online who I share a lot of things with - Indian music for instance which I am passionate about, as well as poetry, a love of word games and an amazing sense of compatibility in our communication. I have now known him for a little over a year, during which time we have spoken online practically every other day and met once.

My ex-boyfriend and I still share a deep emotional interaction, a great deal of respect and trust, and excellent conflict resolution skills. He is a kind, patient, gentle man that I know I can always negotiate with, although he can be sometimes stubborn and a little self-centred. We have little in common outside of that... I am very arty and indoorsy and he is very sporty and lives for the outdoors! Our sense of humour is also quite different and sometimes we fail to be interested in each other's conversation (which I feel deeply)

My new friend is someone who I laugh with constantly, he is very smart and we seem somehow to always speak the same language. I really look forward to my conversations with him.. they are addictive, and we can talk about anything or nothing. He is also a kind, sweet, family-oriented person. However, he does not seem to have a lot of ambition and drive, and also is a bit lacking in confidence which is not sexy in person. From the racial perspective he will be easier to absorb into my family (although this is not a big deal for me).

Is this a choice to make between intellectual and emotional compatibility? If you could pick only one (I think I could make the physical side work with either one) which one would it be?

Cheers
mg

I would pick your old love. You have been together and get along.

The online one could be just a fantasy. Real life tends to interfere.

Who says you have to pick either at this point in time? IMVHO, if you are this conflicted, you are not ready for a commitment to either one.

You didn't indicate your age, but I have the impression that you're fairly young (you mentioned meeting at school). What's the hurry? You've got the rest of your life ahead of you. Who's to say that you won't eventually meet a different person with whom you are even more compatible?

Hi there,

I am, infact, 28 years old - we met at grad school <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> So I do think that I'm getting on in age and I believe (this probably has something to do with my culture as well, since I am Indian, although by no means a traditionalist) that I want to have kids, I want to have them when I'm reasonably young, and also have a few years with my husband before I do that. My personal window of opportunity in my mind's eye is closing fairly fast!

mg

It would seem to me if you are this torn, then you don't really know what you want now and neither one of them would be very good for you or perhaps I should say that you would not be good for either of them.

Do either of them know of the other? Have you ever met this online buddy in person? If not it is pretty easy to hide behind a computer and be something you are not.

I would say wait and date because it sounds like you are lacking things you would like in a potential mate in both of these people.

M

If 28 is "getting on in age" then I guess I must be like your great great great grandmother! Good luck.

Hi blindwillsee... thanks for your post.

Yes I have met him in person and things were (perhaps understandably) not as rosy as they were online. However, we still do have that amazing rapport and never run out of things to talk about. This guy is probably my current "best friend"... and he knows about my ex-bf of course... but my ex doesn't know about him.

GBH <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> If you're my great great grandmothers age and still around perhaps we could hope for a Guinness book record one of these days? hmmm? The way I look at it... would like to have a kid by roughly 32-33, no later than that. This would mean need to find a husband by 30 at the latest. Also as long as you think of a marriage in the Indian community (although I'm not restricting myself - the arranged marriage system does allow for a last option...) the pool of eligible men is going to be much too depleted, much more than in other cultures.

Cheers!

Dear MG,

My wife's ex-roomate was Indian, and she fell in love with an American country boy. She had doctors, lawyers, businessmen, entrepreneurs, all kinds of people leaving messages on her machine (people set up by her family). I heard some of the messages, they were incredible. "Hi, this is Dr. Seni calling with a message for N., if possible please give me a cal..."

The parents were wanting to set their daughter up with the most incredible people (judging by their voices). Also, they'd leave their business addresses and numbers.

"You can call me at the office of XYZ company and just ask for me, I work in the marketing dept. and the sec. will put you through, or just call me at home..."

She ignored all of the calls and spent all afternoon making love to her boyfriend.

I don't have a positive impression about your online fling. Also, I think that you need to be clear and fair all around. I believe that it would be fair if your boyfriends knew about each other, and you were honest about your thoughts.

Right now, you are available, and you are "playing the field," you are deciding between two men, and it's likely that you will decide between a few more.

Setting a time deadline for yourself might not be the most effective way to find a great life companion. Honestly playing the field, going on dates, not getting involved and thinking and praying will likely put you on the right track.

Do your parents know? They might actually be able to help. I found my wife's ex-roomates parents to be really helpful, concerned, positive, and caring.

I don't know if she married her country boy. He was nice too, you know? Maybe she's on a farm in the west wearing an apron happy as can be!

Best wishes,
D--