Post deleted by Stargazelily

Stargaze,

Yes....you confront him right there in the MC's office. I'm so sorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Be the strongest and calmest you can be.

I suggest you confront him, saying you know he's been communicating with OW and his participation in MC is a ruse.

**********************

See what he says.

When he denies it, calmly say you know for sure he's been communicating with her and you know he's "trying to work things out to end his M so the two can be together" - using the exact words he used in the recording.

Let him squirm. When he asks why/how you know this, just calmly reply, "I know it and you know it. It doesn't matter how I know it."

Do not get angry or strat speaking fast. Slow and calm.

********************

JMHO

WAT

Please do not give your source away! Read WAT's suggestion and go with it.

I don't know if I'd give away how you know he's been lying. If you can just say you know and save your ability to get intel on him should he try to continue to deny and lie.

I might say that I know he is just going through these motions with MC, but intends to leave you...then let him go be with her. I don't know your story...like if you've been doing a good plan A. As Star*fish said, be strong and calm with a steady, calm voice.

Of course he could be just fence sitting/cake eating and not really ready to leave the marriage.

There is no reason to push for DV...let him do that if that is what he really wants.

BTW, stargazer they do lie to the OP you know. My H made all kinds of promises to his OW to keep the A going and he never intended to leave me or move in with her.

Don't forget that WSs lie to their affair partners at least as much as they lie to their spouses.

It's possible he's lying to her and is sincere about your marriage.

There are two sides to the fence.

Beneath the surface of the mud - is more mud.

You have to weigh this possibility in light of other behavior.

WAT

I would confront you.

What does this mean to you?

What is it you want to do?

Max

Thanks you all.

Our MC told us in the beginning that she'not going to keep secrets from one spouse to the other. That if I or WH were to call her, the other would be told.

My first inclination was to wake him up and berate him, but I knew that would backfire. I expect he'll deny it as he has denied everything. But I'd be damn if I'm going to hand him on a silver platter to the OW without a fight!

I knew WH wasn't telling the truth. Recently, he's changed his email and onlne phone passwords. And he doesn't bring his cell phone in and when he does, it's turned off.

Please keep the advise rolling. I need them just to help calm me. My heart is pounding. After having a nice couple days together where both of us actually enjoyed being together. That's why he told the OW, "sorry, I couldn't call you."

I just want to go and pull the sheets off his lying head and kill him!!!

Ok, I feel better...for the moment. Today will be so hard.

Breach this first in the MC session.

"This makes me feel like you're not interested in working on the marriage and are still in contact with OW."

Hopefully the MC will take the ball since these are secrets.

*******************************

JMHO

WAT

In all of this you have to weigh the value of showing him to be a liar.

You would be right, but this may not further your cause if you revel in it.

Does this mean you shouldn't reveal his lies? No.

It means you should reveal what you know, but let him hang himself - you don't need to help him. Do not consider it a victory in showing him to be a liar. Don't rub his nose in it. He will react in defiance and get angry, just remain calm and watch. Let the MC do his/her job.

WAT

I went through similar times with my FWH. They can drag in out a long time. That was when he was in 4 yr A. We had a few false recoveries. We had two separations. Keep fighting for the marriage. He wants to keep eating cake. Unfortunately, one of the ways to end the A will be to let OW meet all his needs thus bursting the affair bubble.

It is clear he isn't ready to really be working on the marriage. Avoid displaying anger, it isn't helpful...a bit of digust and disappointment maybe...never pleading though. Be the mature calm and composed one.

If you don't have SAA...get it and see if he will read it.

Madmax,

Despite everything, I still love my H. Yes, we've gone back and forth about separating. But I also know that he still loves me. Yesterday, he brought home flowers. We sat and listened to music as we held hands. We both got emotional. This is what and how we spent the last two days. It was nostalgic so to speak as we remarked the things we wanted, enjoyed and spoke of goals. He commented how happy I was and how he liked it and enjoyed it.

Remember the movie "Pretty Woman" where Richard Gere told Julia Roberts after hiring her to be her companion, he said, "In two days, I will let you go". And Julia replied, "yeah, but I'm here now and baby, I'm going to treat you so good that you'll never want to let me go." (I'm paraphrasing) So that's the approach I'm going to take.

I know it'll be hard. But, I also know my husband, wayward or not.

I know you know it will be hard.

Follow your heart.

Odd really you sort of remind me of me.


Max


ps, our marriage now rocks

MM,

Don't know your story. But if I remind you, how did it turn out for you?

You have a good shot at saving your marriage. It doesn't usually happen overnight and usually takes longer than you think it should.

If you follow the MB program you have a better shot at getting to a real recovery faster than otherwise. You are not there yet. You still have a foggy WH, but there is hope.

Keep up the good work.

I guess I just knew like you seem to.

I knew he loved me.

Things have panned out good for us.

Best advice if I dare, keep your head on your shoulders.

Think, coz you know him best.
If you do get lost, seek a marriage counsellor, you trust

Max

Post deleted by Pepperband

Post deleted by Pepperband

Pep's suggestions are good ones.

Whatever you say, DO NOT use "you" subject statements.

Use "I" subject statements.

"I feel hurt by secrets."

Not - "You have secrets."

"I feel......"

Not - "You are....."

See the difference?

WAT