This prompted by something I read over in 2crazy's post and something I've seen over and over here...but I've always struggled to understand it...

Why do FWWs express anger towards the OM, or think they should?

Don't get me wrong...I'm not implying they shouldn't. I'm just trying to understand where this is coming from.

I see this primarily in FWWs...not so much in the FWH's here.

I do know that my ex-OW was furious with me for a while after the A ended.

Is it because they were "rejected"? If that's the case, I don't see any reason for the BH to take comfort in that.

I was never angry with the OW to that extent...I chose to do what I did. OW was just as broken a pathetic as I was.

What do I gain by being angry at her? I actually felt sorry for her and hoped she'd learn from this and heal as I had to.

I sometimes felt embarrassed and disappointed in myself because I do feel like I was used to some extent...but I let it happen.

I didn't want to deny my ownership of what I did. I felt that blaming the OW was a way to let myself off the hook...so I didn't do it.

I just don't understand the "why" of the anger...

"H*ll hath no fury", LO . . .
Mulan

Or why do some not, when the BS thinks they should?

Well, not exactly. I don't feel anger 2ward RM myself, so much as pity.

...but I'd still like 2 see him in the ground! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

Now an OW, but a W, here's my guess - Women think these relationships out, more, and are therefore more greatly disappointed, upset, and angry that it didnt work out the way they had planned. While the men are happy scoring extra tail, the women thought it <sigh> meant something <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. Just my guess - Dru

because girls just are funny that way <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

what frightens me to see on these boards is the FWW clinging onto the "hope" of a long-dead affair and actually extending her time on the road to perdition by pining over what OM "thinks" of her ...

I'll tell you what he thinks of her ~~~> she is willing to break marriage vows

He thinks she is a woman without the strength of character to remain faithful to her vows.

Low ... it is horrible (as a woman) to literally open one's body up and allow another person to enter ... and then discover that is was some nasty business and not some fairy-tale-happy-ending ....

It is in the nature of how our bodies are different ... we let someone "in" .... literally.

MY point is ... check their references first !!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Make certain they are worthy of such an honor!

I am my husband's jewel. A ruby.
I am not trash.

An OW feels like trash when the affair ends ... largely due to the fact that she has given herself away at a discount price ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

It's humiliating. Which seeds the anger.

Pep

Who can find a virtuous wife?
For her worth is far above rubies.
The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.

Proverbs 31:10-12

In some cases I think it might be a means of avoiding responsibility for their own role in the affair. It's easier to revise history and paint the OM as an aggressor/predator than to own up to the fact that it took two to tango.

Low Orbit..

I think Pep summed it up superbly! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
(from the stand point of the WW)

Women think and see differently than men, therefore we perceive the A differently. (Yes Dru..thanks for the <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> and being blunt!)

For me..I still get angry at myself...that I could have been so blind..that I did not see the A for what it was...I also get angry at the OM, for as of yet, there has been no exposure to his wife. So for me, I feel as though he has not had to deal with the consequences. He was able to put his tail between his legs and run back home to the "safety" of his life. So when emotions at home are running amuck (as they often do in these early months!)....I STILL GET ANGRY!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

understand a little better now???

Just in case to reiterate..what Mulan said...
"****** hath no fury ...." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

This what makes sense to me, but I'm not sure it's right...to wit: the are many FWWs here who accept their part...but still have this anger...that's what I find confusing.

I have wondered this...and tell me if I'm off base...

Could the Former WW want to be angry so they can show empathy with their hurt and angry spouse? Do they CHOOSE to be angry as means of proving themselves to their BS?

Women do tend to see empathetic agreement as a form of "support" more than men do.

Pep, I see what you're saying about opening yourself up. Women do seem to naturally allow themselve to become more invested in a relationship than a man might...I'm not sure I understand this or even want to...just an observation.

That reminds me...just why were all those "wenches" slapping Jack Sparrow every time he tied up in Tortuga? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ditto what Pep said...no experience with being a FWW..but plenty with being a woman.

I have been told, and read, that anger is a secondary emotion. It stems from fear, shame, pain, confusion … whatever.

Pick fear – the anger with OM may be a way to deal with the fear WW may now lose everything, M and A. Or fear that they are indeed deep down exactly who and what they act like?

Could be anything, really.

But I don’t believe this anger at OM has anything to do with anger at themselves. That looks completely different.

FWW went through the same anger phase when OM unceremoniously dumped her under promise of nuclear exposure.

So, what feeds my lingering anger with OM? I don’t fear him. I no longer fear losing my M or losing my identity. I could care less whether or not I am the butt of cuckold jokes, any more.

But as 2long says, I would happily pee in his open grave if I didn’t have to stand in line.

Maybe it’s just confusion. Maybe I just resent being put in this rotten position in the first place.

Sorry, I did not mean to ding you, there. ANY woman would be hugely p*ssed off learning they were played by some guy to get into their pants! This is not exclusive to WW's.


I dont think it's an act - I do not think woman can choose NOT to be angry in such a situation! Everyone gets angry when they learn they were taken advantage of, played, or make a fool of. I cant imagine man handling that aspect any better.

It's just that in A's men arent so much played as they are the player. It's often said that WW's are more emotionally invested than WH's, therefore more vunerable to being played - Dru

From what I saw via H's multiple OWs, and from DD's current sitch...women are instinctively ashamed of offering availability beyond the commitment they get in return. So they invent an illusion of commitment that makes it OK for them to be giving away so much of themselves for nothing. They invest the A with a 'specialness' that allows them to avoid the sense of being cheap.

When the A ends, the OW is forced to face how much she gave away for free, and her sense of her own value plummets. And then she hates the OM for 'fooling' her, and for taking all her goodies without giving anything in return. In my experience, the words 'I woz robbed' hover over the end of most affairs.

TA

hope my WW reach this point one day.

kool to see if OM gets burned by my WW.

living in hope. lol.

This thread has be chasing a train of thought that might not be productive.


“When the A ends, the OW is forced to face how much she gave away for free, and her sense of her own value plummets. And then she hates the OM for 'fooling' her, and for taking all her goodies without giving anything in return. In my experience, the words 'I woz robbed' hover over the end of most affairs.”

Since a woman is invested in the A and/or the OM so much, relatively speaking, does that not imply M recovery when the W commits adultery is a whole lot harder than when the H does?

I mean, if a typical woman is so invested compared to a typical male, what is the point of recovery? The BH is indeed settled for after all.

It does seem to support the statistics that fewer by about half M’s recover when the wife commits adultery than when just the husband does.

According to this thread, my FWW really did love OM from the bottom of her heart and completely transferred her affections from me to him during all those years of the LTA. I am indeed the consolation prize.

Not very MB cheery.

OTOH, now I can have an A and claim it is just SF and be belived simply because I am male.

Maybe there is a silver lining here after all.

what is with this line of thinking?

this i do not understand.

it is her choice who to be with not yours. sometimes "second" is the most treasured gift someone in the world would truly love.

like a comfortable shirt. IT may not be GQ but it oozes comfort.

never lessen yourself.

Aph..

It *might* ...and this is pure speculation...have more to do with the lies that people tell themselves to grant behavior they are uncomfortable with.

For example..a man might say to himself.."It's just about the sex" but that little convenience fades pretty fast when they have tears streaming down their faces or are vomiting in withdrawl..contemplating suicide..losing their JOBS to pursue the OP..you see what I'm saying?

A man might be more likely to DENY the transfer of affections..even when it has obviously occurred..and a woman might be more inclined to EMBRACE the transfer and seek to justify it.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> h*** YEAH!...I would say that women are "wired" to be more forgiving...I think that when the wayward is the wife it is a tougher "pill" to swallow for the husband...

And I don't think WW transfer their affection. It is not that simple....while in the A..we become 2 people....we get from one what we don't get from the other...Then comes a time when a choice has to be made(usually when we are exposed!)....for me...I chose my Marriage....it is probally the harder of the 2 roads....however, it is the one that I chose (and I think most WW )...for we never really stop loving our BH...we just find ourselves getting the attention, and most of our emotional needs met by someone else. That is why it is so difficult to break away....and truly end the A....it is in learning to feel differently and see our BH differently that lead us back to them!

At least in MHO....

2Crazy

I purposely made certain my H made the OW mad as hayul ...

because

it ended the A on the spot!

anger of OW toward my H = a good thing in my book <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Pep

Aphelion and Noodle come the closest to my belief in regards to your question LO...

I have anger and disgust for the OM...the REAL OM...because I made him up...I made up the fantasy he was, nothing close to his true actions...and I have fear behind my anger over my own power to dupe myself that much. And I have anger at him for his participation, his own duplicity.

I also have anger for all the words he used to bash my DH...and yes, I was half of that...but now being FWW, I take offense to that manuevering, because it attacked my marriage and my DH. Shame is behind that anger, I believe...

and I do have a hard time finding which way my anger is directed--outward or inward. I'm still learning how angry I remain at myself and feeling it toward OM.

And no, my FWH does not feel anger at OW. I don't know if that's him (he has great difficulty in feeling and expressing anger), or a male trait. I tend to say it's an individual basis...fantasy romantics come in both genders...as do self-delusionals (my personal brand label for myself).

If it is possible, this anger isn't current...like an echo at past selves...the OM is now unknown and will remain that way...I've changed, so I'm not as angry, I THINK, at myself as I am at the WW I once chose to be.

And Pep? Anger from OW to my WH didn't end the A, in my case. And I engineered a little bit for opportunities to incite it if she was willing (and yes, she was willing!).

I couldn't understand why she could rage, be manipulative and demanding, things my WH hated in me, and accepted in her. I think fantasy is very strong...what is a duck looks like a swan if the resentment is high enough.

And I do feel a bit protected by my anger...like a healing step towards indifference...and I will get to indifference. My fear is my own shame blocking me.

LA

niiiiiiiiiiiice