My BP W and I have decided to separate.

It has become apparent that we do not want to be around each other right now and the anxiety we both face is making things worse. Maybe in the future we'll reconcile......Who knows.

Oh no I'm so sorry hangingtough. It feels like you're beating your head against a wall doesn't it? Are you going to continue MC or IC? Is she stable on her meds? Again, my apologies - such a tough illness to deal with. I hope you'll hold true to your name and hang tough, if only for yourself. Take care and please continue to contribute to this thread, maybe we can learn from eachother. I feel your pain.

Callie.......I set some boundaries a few weeks back and that lasted just a few days. She crossed the line over this past weekend, I have to stand up for myself for the first time in many years. I will not be a patsy anymore or enabler anymore.

She won't stabilize on her meds since she's hitting the bars 2-3 times a week. She says she can't stand being with me and her bar friends are more fun to be around.

OK, I get it. Go be 25 again. Although I don't want to do this, I know in my heart that unless this drastic action is finally taken it will only get worse. Whether BP, a mid-life crisis or just hating me I MUST get my MOJO back! She and the BP/Alcoholism/Addictions have stolen my soul and turned me into someone I don't care for.

BTW....She won't go to MC (yet) and claims that IC only makes her worse.

Bizarre, huh? Sounds like an affair is starting. She bahaves like a teenager.

((((((((((((Hanging Tough))))))))))
Separation is hard. I understand. BPD WH and I are divorcing. Separation/Plan B will give you the peace of mind and time to make decisions based on what you want for your life. you can only control yourself. her choices are hers...as are the consequences.
do something good for yourself today!
cgw

Hangingtough - I fully understand what it is like to have the sucked life right out of you. I also understand that you're turning into someone that you don't like. I know that I don't like who I am when I'm with my H. Because I'm always frustrated and on edge with H it makes it hard to get through the day to day stuff, let alone anything major. I can be my normal self around other people for the most part, but that person that I don't like (myself) is still always lingering.

My H also says IC / MC makes things worse because it just "brings it up". I understand that to a point, but problems have to be faced at sometime.

I agree with CGW that at somepoint, BPD or not, their choices are theirs, as should be the consequences. Do something good for yourself, a person can't live without their MOJO! Take care and please keep posting. Good to know there is someone out there that understands what it is like to live with this terrible illness.

Callie...You should also check out some BP support sites. Just because they are BP does not excuse them from their actions. BP are fully aware of what they do.....they just don't care at the time.

cgw........I finally got fed up. I've actually got to a point where I'm looking forward to peace and quiet. Spending time with our 3 y.o. in the best manner possible.

I'm 45, she's 36. I want to slow down and smell the flowers. She wants to relive her 20's and party on. So be it.

HT,
sounds like she's in a manic phase. my WH is a rapid cycler (about every 6 weeks; he was diagnosed in Feb) it was wearing me out trying to Plan A that. I had to go to Plan B for my own sake. it's been tough...cause I still love him, but I'm in a much better place for myself right now. OW#2 is BPD also. they make quite a pair.

make a good life for yourself & your son...someone's got to give him some stability in his life.
cgw

Any other sites you guys can recommend? H has not been classified yet and is only on depakote. I suspect he needs something different as well as an Anti D. I also suspect that he is a rapid cycler as well. How is your life now CGW? How are you dealing with the fact that you still love him? What steps are you taking to heal yourself and make peace with all of that?

When you've struggled so long trying to help someone it is hard to let go isn't it? I'm starting to deal with the possibility of letting go. If that is what is to be I would like for things to be as peaceful as possible as we have 5 y.o. twins.

If anyone wants to read and update, here ya go...bad news.

W tried leaving for hotel yesterday with our Daughter. this is after consuming quite a bit of alcohol. After I got ahold of her I convinced her that Daughter was better with me based on her current state of mind. She dropped daughter off with me and dissapeared. No calls, no checking in, none of her friends had heard from her. As she left she said I love you both.....leave me alone. She threw her cell phone out of the car and tried running me over. I filed a police report and got them looking for her.

Got a phone call at 1:30 AM from police saying they found her incoherant and laying in a hallway at a hotel. Completely drunk, plus she had consumed a lot of pills (meds). Suicide attempt? doubtful, likely decided she wanted to live since she pulled the fire alarm at the hotel to get people there. This AM, i found ouit she was transported by ambulance to the local ER and is now in ICU on a confidential nature. Fortunately I have contacts at the hospital that let me know she was there. She still has not called me or anyone in her family.

Tough love time. She has had too mnay chances and failed. She's got to do it for herself now.

Callie......Here are some links:

http://www.bipolarworld.net
http://members.iinet.net.au/~fractal1/list-hi.htm
http://www.mcmanweb.com/index.html

HT,
she is where she needs to be. she is getting the help she needs. my WH felt the safest when he was in the hospital. there is only so much you can take when they are acting impulsively and making poor choices. detachment may be the way to go. it is so good that your daughter has a strong dad in her life. I wish my kids had...
cgw

[quote]What do you suggest that I do to help him. [color:"purple"]Connect. Don't close yourself off to him emotionally. You have thoughts, desires, needs, fears that are very real and should not be set aside to work on his "illness." Don't become so concerned with his condition that you become his mother and nurse instead of wife. You must challenge yourself to not make the "BP" become the defining element of your marriage. He still needs to feel intimately connected to you and will hurt more if you pull back and away as a form of punishment or protection. Working with him....POJA. Which only works when he is 100% enthusiastic. He can't be if he is doing everything because he is feeling forced. He won't "get" anything out of treatment. [/color] Pretty much everything dealing with BPD has been somewhat "forced" on him by me, IC and GP. [color:"purple"]Again, I want to preface what I'm saying that my situation is only mine and I can only speak from my personal experience. Nobody, nobody likes to be "forced" to do something. Do you? He may be going through the motions...but like the joke says "the light bulb has to "want" to change. Change comes from within. My life experience has taught me that people only change when staying the same is more "painful." I personally was blessed with a parent (who is bipolar) who beieves in the power of one's ability to be and become...to live into what they set out to become and he believed in me. At a moment when I felt my worst I was able to call on this belief. It was a defining moment in my life. If I was to get healthier I would have to work and "fight" the depression. You have to want to learn and want to work...it doesn't sound like he has that yet. You can't give him that desire...what you can do is know yourself and your personal boundries what you will and won't accept and how to deal with it in a mature way. [/color]

'm going play with your words here, think about yourself and addictions...and how one must give up an addiction to get at the heart of a marriage: I question whether I even have it. I am beating my head against a wall daily with him. I do not know self at all, really I have no interest in learning about this affair. I do want to "feel better", but I don't want to put the work into it that he needs too for this to successfully happen.

Just interesting huh?...I do it too myself to when I talk about my WS...I always step back and ask myself am I really projecting? Am I really trying to stay focused on his affair so that I don't have to face the terrible cost this illness has brought into my marriage? Hmmm..

I've tried specifically pointing out manic / depressive phases that he's in. If I point them out he can see them / agree with them. He can not figure this out on his own and as of now he won't take the time to try. You're doing so much of the leg work, the understanding...that he needs to do. Just like you need to with your Affair. One must become responsible and do whatever necessary to commit to what their #1 priority is.

Is your #1 priority to be a nurse?...to be his wife till death do you part?...to have a succesful loving marriage?...to fullfill your emotional needs if it is seemingly easy?...Once you answer these questions for yourself...some of your anxiety will dissipate.

Say you decided to commit to your marriage 100%. It would mean NC forever...are you ready? Marriage is work. It is wonderful and work.

I would seek a counselor who is promarriage. I visit a pastoral counselor.

I mean no disrespect and I offer my words only in the hopes to be helpful.

[qoute]

hanging,
Sorry to hear about the seperation and hospitalization(again) Hope she gets the right meds/treatment, this time. Thanks for the links. Look after your self.

Update on my W. Last couple of weeks have had a few ups and downs. Mostly alchohol free (3 different nights she has had some drinks).

Tonight was really tough, on my way home I got a call from her. My 6yro son(pdd-nos) had wandered off toward the neighbors and she hadn't known were he was. She was totaly upset and in a ball on the bedroom floor when I got home. All 3 kid were downstairs. I was asking her about what happend, asking how he left, I was concerned that he may try it again. She felt that I was judging her, I told her I wasn't. Now it seems she changed from upset about our son, to angry about me judging her. She said you always judge me, you always want to be right. I got angry (she always accuses me of that), I said somthing like loudly "I am not judging you!! stop putting thoughts in my head! You're judging me that I'm judging you."

I went down stairs and found out that he had left via front gate of the side/backyard. So with the back door locked he wouldn't leave again. I went back up and she was still angry and I again same argument. I said I'm not taking this any more, you have to stop accusing me of things when they're not true. So it continues and she leaves off to shop (I had put her keys in my pocket and didn't give them back until she assured me she wasn't drinking).

While she was gone I talked to my son and he said he was out front waiting for me to come home, for about a half an hour or 45min, (note: this might not be true, she usually doesn't leave anyone alone for more the a few minutes.) She had said she was on the phone to a man she met at the rehab, who lives in the same town, talking about AA meetings(which she still hasn't attended). I also checked the computers and found out that she was at chat and dating sights.

When she got back the argument continued. She kept getting mad that when she said I was judjing her, I would say I wasn't. I did mention the chat sites. She said that was because I wasn't being supportive, I kept asking her what did I say that wasn't supporting her and she said I judged her all the time. She told me to go away. I told her not until she promised she wouldn't do anything stupid. I went upstairs for a few minutes and when I got back she said she had taken 6 depekotes (3000mgs), I told her I had read that too much could cause liver failure, and that if she didn't call her doctor, I was going to call 911. She eventually called and they said the max was 4500, so she would be ok just sleepy, but the should check the level tommorow, she happens to have her annual physical tommorow.

Thanks just needed to tell my story, any advise would be welcome.

More tidbits to my saga.............

when picking up her belongings at the hotel where her issue happened, I told them to give me the bill and I'll check her out. I was advised she paid cash. Any access to cash she has I can check (Bank account). Turns out, she "borrowed" cash from someone at her bar. Obviously didn't want to leave a trail. I called the OM she claims to be just friends with and confronted him. He admitted he gave her quite a few hundred dollars. When I visited W in the hospital she would not tell me where she got the money. After giving her chances to 'fess up, I told her I already know where it came from. From her hospital bed she ordered me to leave. I said "you know my numbers, see you later" and left.

After I left, she must've called me a dozen times throughout the night crying, etc. Say's she really doesn't want to split but but doesn't like being with me anymore (guilt about OM is my guess). Of course she doen't want to hang or talk with me if she is thinking about OM.

Called OM and he and I met last night over a beer and had a "chat" about things. They deny any PA, but are having a EA. I looked him in the eye and asked him 3 different times if he is in love with my W. He would never answer (his silence answered my question). Well, I let him know a few details about her illness and her past that he was unaware. I'm pretty sure I scared him away from having a long term relationship, but he does admit he would like to date her if we got divorced. He wants in her pants.

She got transfered from ICU to another psych hospital last night. Her EA and indiscretions have now been exposed to me and her own family. They are about finished with her.....shame she won't get help and stay with it.

"She had said she was on the phone to a man she met at the rehab, who lives in the same town, talking about AA meetings(which she still hasn't attended). I also checked the computers and found out that she was at chat and dating sights."

Hey JMM.......Since you are just finding out about this BP thing, an addict or BP goes to a pysch hospital to be stabilized. Period. Once stabile, they are discharged back to the world. Rehab is a loooong process. 30 days or more of inpatient and outpatient care.

From experience with my BP W, rehab and psych hospitals are just great places to meet others that have the same problems as well as a good source for future party buddies. If the person is NOT committed or willing to help him or herself, they will backslide and relapse within weeks. In the past, my W has met people in the hosp. and within days of discharge she's hanging with them while I am at work and Daughter is at daycare.

If your gut says something is happening, it probably is.

Hey JMM and others.....How are you doing with your BP??

We have separated. She is living at MIL's house. Funds have been cut and the rules of her MIL's house are total abstinence from booze, bars and boys (3 B's - Cute, huh?) until she gets herself together.

She is begging me to not take her baby away from her. She knows I hold all the power these days. This is not the type of power I want or desire. I told her it depends on her actions the next few months.

It's harder than I thought, but I'm managing. I thought that not having her crap to deal with would be easy and peaceful. It's more loneliness walking around the big old house. All the stuff is still there but she's not.

Oh well.....time will tell.

HT,
good for MIL!!! she sounds like a smart lady!
good for you too! you are the Lighthouse.

I understand the lonliness. it's hard when you're used to being together. do you have anything you do for yourself? bowling league? poker night? taking a class? church activities? if babysitting is an issue...is there someone you can trade with so that they can go out too?

Plans A & B are for YOU! right after I went to Plan B, I realized that my self-image was so enmeshed with WH's that I didn't even know what I wanted out of my life. I am just finding out now... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

as Believer says "what are you doing to make a good life for yourself?"
hugs,
cgw

cgw.....plenty of distractions/activities, just need to pull up the boot straps and do them. I've been here before, 1st marriage was 17 years so I know I'll be OK. At this point, I gotta give myself a little time to grieve and figure my own wants and needs first. Essentially get my MOJO back.

I'm tired and hurt by her actions the past year. I'm tired of making excuses and covering for her. I'm tired of bailing her out financially and emotionally every time she makes a mistake or feels guilty about her actions.

It's a start. Will we reconcile??? I'm not sure either of us want it right now. I cannot go back to living the way we were, that's for sure.

bump for hangingtough