{{{Roguester}}}

Great news...I will look for your thread when you post on it again.

Thank YOU again.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Heh. I do suppose I should also give everybody an update on my situation. I'm not sure when the last time was that I did. Should I make a new post or just ressurect an old one?

Good evening LA

I’m glad you are doing better.

I’m having a really bad day she is back into her deep fog; she is not making any sense

And feel free to respond here on MB, I don’t care if she reads it I decided not to hide
Anything from her anymore, I know she read the last thread, she said that she didn’t,
I don’t care anymore, I’m on the bottom again I need to pick myself up, I told her that
I’m not done fighting for my marriage yet; I’m not done fighting.

I started a new thread couple a days ago, you can reply on it.

Thank you

Tony.

Well, that's great that it stuck in your head...I was self-conscious about it to be honest about eight or nine posts later I deleted it. You don't have to say anything...I know...my fears...

I am glad that I had a hand in the matter...strange how sometimes we feel like we're not heard but it sticks somewhere to come out later...I'll have to work on that! LOL

Rin, I will admit I was self-conscious about my posts, here, too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Especially once I started reading the posts from the much wiser heads than mine that are around here ....

..... and I'm so glad that they are! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ahhh, will you be my sister? You can't be the mean one though! LOL

Thank YOU...a appreciate the thought...

LA,

Sorry I’ve taken so long to respond. I lost my first response. I’m glad I could help, but you already knew this I just gave you a nudge.

I should be taking those 2 lines off very soon, maybe today. Mostly a laziness issue on my part. Things are going well FWW has been reading SAA and got to the part that lists things that need to be or are being done that show you are starting and into recovery. She read that and stated that we are in recovery and pointed these things out to me. I agreed with her that these things are being done, we are both reasonably happy with things, (can’t always be happy or there would be no goals and we would be bored), she has started saying LY and ILY. We are planning things into the future, looking forward to milestones with each other and the kids as they progress through Jr High and High School. She is still working on H&O, but getiing better at it. Soooooo I guess we are making progress. Counseling with Jennifer is once a month now, IC twice a month for FWW and monthly for me. I believe I am in a good place and most days we are both in a good place.

I hope all is well with you aaaannnnndddd Yes I am one of your many #1 FANS!

Woooooo Hoooooooooooo!

You are welcome!

WOW Eagle...I know I haven't posted to you before but I have to say that is GREAT! Pray for me that my FWH reads SAA. That would be a dream come true for me, I mean to both be living my MB rules moving towards recovery.

LA-could you pick up on my thread and advise in regards to my HS and her H, and her BF? I just want to make sure I stand my ground correctly. She should be visiting me next week, I'm not sure if she changed her mind since H and I wouldn't let her BF stay with us.

Thank you and best of continued luck to you Eagle!

LA,
If you talk again tonight, be sure to tell us how it goes.

Prayers.

SS

Thank you for remembering, SS...

I'm touched.

And yes, I plan on it...

LA

Eagle,

Thank you for your update. Warmed my heart...and I wondered, if you, like me, hang onto something hurtful...one sentence or aside...long after it applies...behind our own backs?

Those last two lines made me wonder...if we shared this...and seeing how far you've come, grown, expanded and risen...through so much...by sharing so very much...if you wanted to let go those tiny shard sentences, like I do...and if we could help each other.

And I believe there are better sentences to hold to...utterances we could choose...MrsEagle saying ILY...she wouldn't unless she meant it, truely...that's what I got from her posts...authenticity...wouldn't say it if she only suspected or sort of chose it...she's an all the way gal...out of the fog and into your arms...what a marvelous place of redemption you both are creating.

You're a blessing to MB, I believe.

LA

LA,

I believe you are right. I do hold onto things that really have impact on me good and bad. I am trying to get over these things as well and hold onto the good.

Things are getting better each day, we are working on our conversations and the way we approach them. Some success there, little by little.

Thank you for the kind words. I'll keep you updated as time marches on.

I do hope everything is getting better for you, you deserve the best as does Mr. LA and the rest of your family. Best wishes.

Eagle

Seems the place to post...to step off and be vulnerable again...

I'm full of regrets and sorrow...and anger, denial and fear...my mother died unexpectedly last Sunday...even with SS's help, and everyone else's...I feel lost...didn't break that enmeshment enough...guess now's the time...because I don't know what is right now, nor feel whole at all.

My mother was still angry with me since July...she went into the hospital on 11/15 and asked my father not to tell me. Consequences suck...and are ceaseless in life, I guess.

I called that Friday, my normal day, and Dad told me, anyway...though this was something unrelated to what she's physically been dealing with...her blood was finally in balance, had just gotten that news that Wednesday, when she began experiencing chest pains...and went by ambulance to emergency. She went into ICU for pneumonia and congestive heart failure...they were thinking the fluid was creating the failure...so they got the fluid taken care of...heavily sedated her...and she never woke up.

I'm left with a miasma of my own stuff...feels like a DDay of sorts...all about me and I KNOW it wasn't, isn't...and the process we humans have created for mourning, grieving, coping and living through loss...the funeral arrangements, visitations, calls, notifications, eulogy, family coming together...is so smart. I wrote and gave her eulogy...still desperate for redemption...and somewhere in me, I don't believe in it, I guess...that this is the deal breaker...the unredeemable...her anger, holding onto it, out of my control, is a gaping flaw in God's design.

I know it isn't..still feels like it is...

I hate regrets...regrets being what I didn't do...remorse for what I've done...and all that overlap, smearing and mixing of them...sorting them out like her closets, memorabilia and garage...where I could get my hands on those things...and not all this pain...

I made an album from pictures she had in a manilla envelope she'd wrote her name on...of her life before she came into ours...and I took it to the visitation to share...to her remaining relatives in her home area where we buried her Saturday...another act of redemption...she feared greatly not being remembered...known...brought home to me deeply, again, our human mandate, most basic purpose and deisre...to know and be known.

I don't know why I'm posting this, exactly. I'm asking not for condolences...we all grieve, lose, share and continue living...I guess I'm asking about redemption...a recheck...did I enforce a boundary against myself? Did I do the unforgiveable? Had I been there, could I have saved her, changed the outcome, keep her with me?

If you could help me see what God's trying to show me...maybe...just like when I lost my first mother...my fault, my crud (I know I am experiencing a lot of those little 8-year-old girl feelings again)...Crud was my mother's word, btw. I just noticed that. I heard her voice say it when I wrote it.

I'm not looking to fix my pain...took me two years to grieve my Aunt in '92...my first mother's sister...a daily meeting of how significantly we are in each others lives, though we live far apart...the downside of sharing...of the being known and knowing...I'm just in denial and anger and may very well be bargaining here...my tiny acts of redemption...because when I most needed to be strong, brave and true...and thought that's what I was being...I wasn't rewarded at all.

Earning love is a dead-end road. Please help me to stop going down it...to find my true amends, once and for all...

LA

My father died suddenly...on vacation..in a hotel room...

I had just started speaking to him again...

We had a very COMPLICATED relationship...

I was CRAZY for a year or so after his death...

I was functional..so not LITERALLY crazy..but I was forever changed...

In the end though, I LEARNED from it..I grew from it...

Isn't it you that recently shared that from MOURNING COMES LEARNING....

I PRAYED FOR UNDERSTANDING..as you are praying..and GOD ANSWERED...

You are a righteous woman, Loving...A "PRECIOUS" JEWEL...

You will be blessed with God's caring and grace.

HE will see you through this...

Loving, I do want to discourage you from asking "WHY"..you will not get that answer..tell yourself that "IT JUST IS"..it's a CHAPTER in your LIFE STORY...

((((LA))))
Of course you feel like a child, your mom died. And she died with so much unresolved between you. NOT your fault. From what you have written about her she was a woman who was uncomfortable w/ her emotions and didn't show her love easily.

My MIL was not an easy person to love. She blamed me for taking her son away, she was horrible to me. Consequently, since she treated me so badly, we didn't see her much. After we had our 1st child we still didn't see her much because my H didn't want our son to witness how she treated me. After she passed away a friend of hers confided to me that she was so glad MIL had apologized to me. That she often bragged to her friends about how I was such a good mother and so good for her son. MIL had never said a word to me. I was ANGRY! How dare she waste all those years and depriving my son from really knowing her. I prayed for her...that her soul find peace. It was her short coming, I was open to her and she never reached out although she apparently wanted to. The lesson I learned....don't hold back your love, don't waste time w/ anger and resentment. Feel it, acknowledge it and let it go....don't let it bring darkness into your life.

LA, you can't undo what has happened but you can release it. Use this time to grieve for your mom and for the little girl who lost her mom. When you are ready, release it. Build the bond w/ your father. He has suffered from your mother's actions as well.

Come vent here anytime. You are loved anyway!

LA -


Oh LA...my heart breaks to read this, because I've been where you are. Still am, in many ways.

As a Christian, you know the only unforgiveable act is to deny the Holy Spirit. Everything else is forgiveable. I think what you might be struggling with is how to forgive yourself, for whatever real or imagined things you did wrong.

The last sentence in my mom's note was "Forgive me for your sakes." It took a long time for me to understand the significance of that sentence. If you can't forgive another person, how can you forgive yourself? To take it to a spiritual level, if you can't forgive another person, or yourself, how can God forgive you?

What boundary do you feel you enforced against yourself? The no visitation boundary (I'm making educated guesses here)?

That boundary was to protect you, not to hurt you. Yes, not seeing your mom by your own choice undoubtedly hurt, but it protected you from her anger. Think of it kind of like doctors - sometimes to heal the patient, they have to hurt the patient.

I don't know how many times I've asked myself what I could have done differently to change the outcome of either of my parent's death. I will never know the answer to that question...no one will. It doesn't make it any easier to accept.

If you are looking for redemption, which is understandable, I would humbly suggest that a good place to find it would be within yourself first. Identify those things that you think you need redemption for, accept them as real, and then decide objectively if they are valid.

If they are, forgive yourself. Focus on the people still in your life - your DH, your sons, your father. Continue to live and act from your code. Share your feelings, your fears, your regrets with those closest to you.


No child earns the love of their parents. I know you know this. Repeat to yourself, as often as needed, "I am loved because I am who I am, and I do my best to be true to myself." Your true amends are your code. All your experiences in life, that define who you are. And more importantly, the choices you make everyday that define who you are.

Healing will come. It takes time. We're here for you.

If one good thing can come of my mom's suicide and our estrangement, it's that I can reach out and help others in a similar situation. Everything is still fresh and raw, and you're undoubtedly struggling with the total shock of both the loss and the lack of closure. I'd be happy to share with you whatever might help you, both the things I did right, and the many that I did wrong.

As you are so fond of telling many on these boards, you, LA matter. To God, to yourself, to your DH, to your sons, your father, your friends, and to us.

Hi LA -

One more thing. Something that has helped me was to write a goodbye, of sorts. Both to my dad and to my mom. Though I lost my dad over 5 years ago, and it was not unexpected, it was still hard. And that was in the context of a good relationship with him.

Anyway, if it would help you, I can post what I wrote to my dad on the 1st anniversary of his death. It was a way of healing, for me, though even now the pain is still there.

So if you think it will help you, I'll be happy to share. If not, that's fine to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

((((((((((((((LA)))))))))))))))))))

OH (((((LA))))).

I’m so sorry about your pain, I know you are looking for answers, I know you are blaming yourself, you know my grandmother lived with us she used to say when it’s your time to go, you will go, no body can change that, it’s written on everybody’s forehead.

I think the message that god is trying to relay to you, is simply don’t do what your mother did, don’t let anger and resentment keep you away from your loved ones.

You are the most wonderful honest and caring person I had the honor to cross roads with.
If helping all these people here is not repentance then what is.

I’m praying for you every night, you have a new addition to your family coming soon,
New innocent life, focus your love on her, I hope they live close enough to you to be part
Of her life, this will be healing for your pain.

Keep praying.

God bless your family.

Tony.

The problem with letting things go.............

Is that we sometimes feel we could have done better, and we hold it against our selves and we won't forgive US.

What are your regrets?

SS