Hi all,

My WW and I are working through the A. It began last summer as "friends" then went physical 2/2006. I was never told about A. Now D-Day has passed, she says she is only contacting him for work. I know he still calls cell. Have found messages that suggest contact (but are not 100% clear). I am pushing now for transparency. She says she can't stand the snooping.She wants to hide minor contact. She says to protect my feelings. I have told her not too. To please tell me, I also have asked for transparency. She is not going for it. After last argument she went away for 20 min, and called the OM. She then came home and told me, I told her I was hurt, but appreciated the honesty. Then dropped it. Says "I can't live like this", You have a right not to trust me but "I can't have you watching my every move". I understand this, but need transparancy to build trust.
Why did she call the OM last time (for 5 minutes), was it confort or a test for me? She says she didn't tell him about the problems, just that we were having them.

I have been working hard on myself and building a good plan A, trying to make things flow as well as possible. Yesterday she told me she wants some time to think. She will be staying in a motel here in town tonight. I feel sure she will at least contact OM. She tells me at times about contact (text message and voice) that she listened to but didn't respond. I have found more contact that she is not telling me about. Trying not to bring it up and help create a good plan A. It seems when she gets upset about us then she wants to contact him even more. I guess this is normal. She still says she has only called him once (after we had an argument) for personal reasons, other than that she said it had been all buisness. How do I believe this? She says she thinks about him all the time now, and this really hurts me. I told her this. She usually doesn't talk about it much and when she does it is a flood of negative emotions.

The A has been exposed to my family, her family and friends. I haven't exposed the A to her work, OM work or his family. It may be hard to do this since he lives 2 hours away. Should that be the next step if she doesn't agree to NC? I told her I felt it was important to have NC, she is unwilling to try this due to work and looking for another job, she won't change her cell number. This has been their primary method of contact. She still has contact at work, which I suggested to run through another person. She wouldn't agree to that. I asked her to send a NC letter, she said she would think about it but thinks a personal phone call would be better. I told her I think it would just bring up those painful emotions. She has given no answer on this.

PS- She also told me that after her doctor's appointment the other day she may have cancer (again).

Please advise <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

How's the listening and repeating going, Davy?

"You're choosing to stay at a motel tonight and say it is to think things through. I believe it is to further your affair. All contact with OM continues the A."

Whatever is work related...the contact excuse...then be brave and expose to her work and his work...and especially to HIS family...all of them...is there a OM girlfriend, or do you know from your own investigation? Don't take your WW's word on his status, 'k? She may not know he's married. Double check.

What did you say when she gave you the doctor's news? And did you call the doctor to get information directly? That's allowed in marriages, right?

I haven't been posting the last few days...wasn't your post, I promise.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am glad you moved over the GQII, though...you are fighting for your marriage and this is the trenches.

What are you feeling, thinking and believing right now? Reading for support? This kind of self-care matters a great deal. Nothing your WW is doing or saying is out of the ordinary...nearly textbook for WS, I promise.

You don't break delusions...she does that. You provide truth, reality...and maintain that...respectfully...using listen and repeat...identifying and meeting ENs, eliminating all LBs (including the ones you do to yourself), and congratulate yourself for the wise choice in hiring a PI.

Stay present...in the right now...I repeat "right now" because I repeated it A LOT during my Plan A...it's reality, and sometimes fear will catapult you into the future or trap you in the past...and the reality that all this is just right now helps.

Keep posting, 'k?

LA

It is absolutely essential that you expose the affair to the OM's wife. Otherwise you are sending a message that it is acceptable to screw your wife without consequences. Why should he stop his behavior? No consequences to his actions equals no motivation to change. The same goes for your wife. She continues to contact the OM. Unless you enforce boundaries then she is giving you a message that she feels it is all right to cheat on you and lie to you. Make it clear that the marriage is at risk. It seems like your wife felt she could have a sexual affair and put your health at risk for STD's without consequences in that you would not threaten to end the marriage. She should be doing everything to save the marriage and show you that you can trust her. She is doing the exact opposite. It sounds like you want the marriage a great deal more than she does.

Sadly, a request for "space", "time to think", etc., is really a request for you to get out of the way so she can continue the affair.

Continue in Plan A, and continue exposing the affair.

OM is single...it's in his signature line.

Exposing to his family and friends is important though for as long as you maintain his secrets for him he is free to make booty calls to your wife. Especially if she's the one calling him with her availability for some uncommitted liasons. As a single man that lives a bit away he needs to be encouraged to pursue more local and available opportunities. Your wife needs to be more of a hassle than she's worth.

BTW, motel for a few days is usually keyword for affair rendevous.

As long as any contact continues the affair continues. You must continue also with the stick of Plan A. Exposure.

Also, you don't have to tell her EVERYTHING you discover snooping on her. Just know that until no contact...you are in Plan A mode ...not recovery.

Mr. Wondering

I understand what you are saying about exposure, however the Plan A section of SAA doesn't mention that. Maybe it is further in the book than I have read. Plan A seems to be going well so far at least on the surface. She is warming up to me and seems to be much more interested in talking with me. I have been working hard on her EN. I haven't found out about any contact in the last few days, she has also not told me about any. I feel sure there has been some. I know the exposure to work will make her very angry. Probably push her over the edge. I want to make sure it is totally necessary. In SAA it mentions in Plan A not to ask or do anything that may upset the WS. That way they have a good and happy memory of the time together. With exposure to work I think she will be furious. Won't that we counter productive? I think exposure to his work would be fine. His family would be hard to do as I only know OM's name and town his mom lives in. No idea how to expose to his family.
Will the carrott of Plan A be enough? The A has already exposed to most all people connected to her.
She is also looking for jobs out of the area, she says her family has turned their backs on her because of this. She says she can't imagine staying in the area, afraid that someone may say something to our son. How do I pick up and move with her? How do I disrupt our son and my job (which is exaclty what I want)?
Sooo many questions.