I am 47yrs old and have become engaged to a 57yr old man. We have been dating almost three years. Our childen are grown and out of the house. My last marriage lasted 17 years and ended after the fourth affair and his marriage ended after 29 years. She left because they drifted apart. My divorce was fair and friendly and his was a bitter two year battle over money and things. I guess that's why he wants to enter our marriage with an agreement that states what he earns is his and what I earn is mine.

That may sound fair on the front end but there is more behind the scenes. I left my marriage with not much more than my share of a good down payment on our new home. He left his marriage giving his ex $500K. If I am to catch up on my retirement, I will need to focus on work. If and when he dies, I will only have social security and his children walk away with everything. Luckly he has agreed to leave me his half of the house and enough life insurance to finish paying for it. Still, his kids and ex walk away with a lot. Oh, did I mention his ex never worked.

I'm not oppose to working two jobs, that's what I do now. It's not the life I want. I'm either worried about work or exausted from work. I feel cheated that he won't just will me his assets. He said he would leave me his business so I would always have a job if he dies.

I carry a good bit of weight in the domestic area, while he is domestically challenged. I cook, grocery shop, entertain in our home, decorate and maintain our home. I also go on trips with him. He loves it, but doesn't understand I'm tired. I have a full time job 45 min from my home and a private part-time practice in our home. I have an office in our home that I spend 10-15 hours a week working on client work and billing it. He likes the lifestyle that I help provide, but I'm tired and worried and can't seem to catch up.

He is a good man and I know he means well. He just doesn't understand. Or maybe I don't. Does anyone have comments or can give me a new set of glasses to look at this situation. I'm just beside myself.

Dear Deannlady,

You sound like a wonderful wonderful person. You sound capable, honest, hard-working, and you have excellent communications skills.

The pre-nup is a process of negotiation. If your husband to be is fair, he will include everything you've written in the process. If he is "offering" you something, take it or leave it, then he's not entering into a fair process of negotiation with you.

Maybe you could make it a fun thing, seek a third party, a marriage counselor, someone besides the lawyer (or "his" lawyer)...someone to help you laugh your way to a good pre-nup!

It must hurt to be in love with someone who was so generous to his ex, but likely associates that with pain and being misused. Another thing is that, maybe he wasn't willingly so generous to them. Maybe you are much more his ideal wife, and he doesn't want you to change into his non-working ex.

Best of luck to you both!
D--

I think a lot depends on how many assets you are talking about, and the value of the home and business he is leaving you. Leaving you a home worth $2 million and a business that you can turn around and sell for another $2 million is not too shabby in my opinion...

My will leaves an equal amount to my three children and my new wife (none in my will to her son). However, in your husband's case, what he leaves you may be worth more than what he is leaving the children...

You wrote his ex and kids walk away with a lot. His ex-wife is still in his will!!! I would not be happy about that! If you are talking about the original $500K she received, he probably did not "give" that to her, she was probably awarded that in court.

I suspect your husband is offering you much more that $500K if you look at it without emotion. If his business made enough to justify paying his ex $500k, then it is probably worth well more than that if you were to sell it.

It sounds like two separate issues:

1) what you get if he dies - this sounds fair to me
2) what you get if you divorce - this is a touchy one based in my opinion on how long you are together. If you dump him in 5 months, I would not think you should be "entited" to much at all. How much does your husband get from you if you divorce?

Of course these are just my opinions and I am no expert...

I do like the advice from D--, I think id deserves an A++! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />