Hello all,
New member but I have been reading MB a few months. Married 14 years with two daughters 4 & 2 1/2

I don't know what to do but keep trying. Over a year ago things were all going hecktic. My wife My wife didn't want the buisness we just opened up for her (with a five year lease). We were in big debt from it and whe just wanted to dump it. Through the course of it I was drinking a little heavier too. She also wanted my name off some property we jointly owned because her father gave it to us 2 years earlier. and it was at that time last Aug. we started MC and I was asurred it would still be ours. Lets just work through our problems. Well through MC we saw Alcohol as a problem and we both stopped drinking.

During that year too, prior to MC, she was having a problem with seeing my family, saying my mom and sis were trying to take the kids away from her. She had no problems before and would ask my mom to watch them some times. During the year She wants only to see her family which are in Florida and Virginia. So she is doing a big pull away from my family which I could not understand we have been together for 22 years and did so much fun things together with my family.

So last Sep. I signed the property to her tinking that will help smooth things, She said her dad wants it that way and he is up in the years with bad health. She left with the kids to see them in FL. And she was JUST going. I got depressed, drunk, and called her sister asking her why wife wants to leave me. Why does she want me gone, does she want me to kill my self? I can do that. Well with that she called the police and they took me to get checked out. I'm ok.

Wife comes back after extending the trip and things are so-so. By october I find out she went to a lawyer to divorce me and move the kids to Fl. I confront her about it and she won't talk about it. She was so distant through x-mas always looking for something to be mad about. I'd ask how are we doing and she would say "I'm still here". By this time she had nothing to compain in MC so she would try to fabricat thing which MC would debunk and my wife didn't like it. Jan. 15 she told me to get a lawyer "your getting served". She had the papers drawn up sighned them but never submitted them. Things were rough. she moved to the couch for two weeks. Begining to end of March she said we could work things out if we move to FL for a fresh start. I know she cann't remove the kids from state without a court order.

I said I would think about it and she said think fast. We went to a Mariage retreat I had been asking for May and it was realy strange to be alone with her. She had picked it because I could check out FL again. When we come back she got on me about it and I said not at this time. She went balistic. Won't go to MC any more is down visiting her parents again for 3 weeks with the kids.

I feel I have been very giving, She has taken the kids away constantly for her need to visit her family. I have told my family to step aside as we try to work things out. I feel she is only taking and setting herself up the best she can for the time to pull the plug.

Any thoughts. I'm at the point of feeling taken atvantage of and want to say if you want to live like room mates get a job or lets work on repairing our relationship.

Welcome to marriage builders. You might get more posts on the general questions forum. Is there any possibility that there is another man?

I hope you have stopped drinking COMPLETELY, as that was identified as a problem.

In the meantime, check out Plan A here, and stick to it.

I don't think she has another man but everything is a secret. A few people and a counselor suggested it because of her behavior. I think she is just unhappy and has become detached. From reading some of the posts here, if she feels she is done and is working through the D it's hard to pull her back.

And yes I have stopped drinking completely for a long time. It made her very angry especially at first because I think she thought the state might grant her permission to remove the kids from state. (I didn't drink that much.) I was really hurt when we went on our couples retreat and she accused me of drinking when we got off the airplane in May. I had not, but I had no one to dispute her allegation. I couldn't tell if she was serious or trying to wrongly accuse me. We were one isle apart and she sat with one daughter I sat with the other.

Every time I try to talk to her she doesn't want to. May to now since I told her not interested in Florida until we repair our relationship. but she just will say that will make her happy and nothing else to work on. Mean while our LB's are in real bad shape. I want so much for things to get better. I don't even know who she is some times. I miss my wife.

Since she has been down there with the kids visiting for over a week right now I miss her so much. I try to talk to her on the phone but she normally passes me off to the kids or talks to someone there while talking to me on the phone. The past two days I was even thinking again to take a leap of faith and talk to her about moving down there to make her happy. But I know I am afraid of the fact she may just be telling me things will be ok down there, then cut me loose when we get there. Or feel like she can do this whenever she wants.

I wish I could really be interested in down there and we could work on our relationship so I would feel secure to trust her. I also don't want to lead her on to say I might move down there and then back out and hurt her.

I really wanted to talk to her tonight about this. I just feel she wont talk or it would be better in person when I get down there next week. Or I don't know what to do I want to save our marriage.

What does the counselor say? You do have it right, as long as you are living in your present state, she cannot take the kids and move. I believe, staying where you are is the best place, but I am not a counselor. Here, she has you and her family. You have done the right thing to tell your family to step aside while you try to get things worked out. Sounds like in Florida, she would use you against her family and they against you. She seems to be dependent on her parents and not be independent. If she is a stay at home mom, a good suggestion would be for her to find a parttime job. The kids could be with you when you get home and she could find a job may 2 days a week. Women sometimes need to feel important, need to feel they are needed, beyond childcare and housecleaning and sex. If a parttime job is out, how about an activity. She could be in a book club. Go back to school. Take and get into an exercise program. Do some swimming classes. Take a art class. There is so much that one can do, and if you were willing to take care of the girls while she was out finding herself....that is a great deposit in her lovebank.

By your post, she is VERY angry and putting on a tantrum. Which she may have good cause. We don't know both sides of the story.

Keep yourself alcohol free, for this is so bad for your body and not a good example for the children. This could be a reason to take the girls away from you if she could prove it.

Keep posting....there are many here that can help you....Blessings.

Our MC said to us to fix our relationship here because it would be a extra problem to fix it in a new place with all the stresses of moving too. Kind of like geographic changes do not correct your problems. I'm not sure if she is dependant on her parents or feel they only have a couple of years left and want to spend more time with them. I understand that. She might feel a little guilty because when they moved down there 19 years a go she moved back up a year later to be with me.

It defiantly is a tantrum which comes out from time to time. I guess she is a silent steamer so when it does come out. look out. And it's her way or she gets very mean and like Ice. And yes She does have cause to be angry with me I had adult material in the house which I thought she didn't like but was ok with. (gone now) She also told me not to go to go go bars at all. After several years and after my 1st was born I stopped in one for a quick beer. I didn't go for a thrill but that inconsiderate act broke her heart which she forgave me for. But now she is bringing that up.

Alcohol free? Yes. and I will stay that way. Sometimes a stressful day at work or being faced with divorce and having a broken heart, you feel like a beer. I love my girls too much to let that take control of me and have it effect them. And I know my wife was looking for something to run with the girls to Florida. Alcohol abuse can have damaging effect on children and I know that is what she was going to say.

I felt her wanting to start the business was her getting claustrophobic because she was a new stay at home mom for 2 1/2 years then. It was just too much though with the new baby and too much work and responsibility. I watched the kids during the day and got a job second shift.

She emotionally separated and keeps adding to the list. She stopped many things, even stopped doing my laundry including me in meals. I suggested last year maybe a part time job would be good but she said I don't want a business I don't want to work I want to be SAHM. With all the down hill slide I did ask her last month if she just wanted to live like room mates and if so does she want to go back to work for that reason. I didn't want to LB but like our MC said to me (as she will not go anymore) I need to stand up to her some and not just be a door mat. When she told me to get a lawyer in January I asked her what is she going to do when we divorce. She just said she would have to go back to school so she could go back to work. She has recently been looking at dentistry and Studying for the SAT without telling me and hiding it.

One thing I don’t understand is when she stopped going to MC recently she said I could not go anymore. When she asked if I canceled I said no and why do you want to stand in my way if I try to seek help and do what I can to help the relationship. She just got angry and stepped aside.

Well She was down in FL visiting her parents for most of August and I was really missing her and the kids. I was even wondering if I should consider moving with her down there to make her happy. (She has said the damage I have done in the marriage has caused her to want to divorce becouse I say I will change but for how long). I considered it might be a good change for us. I wanted to talk to her on the phone about it or when I got down there. She was so cold I said why bother.

After we got back it was still in my head becouse I know she is serious. I even thought she may have submitted the papers last week. So this week end I opened the discusion and told her my feelings why I am afraid of moving down there and afraid she will divorce me when we get there if it won't work here. (a year ago I found out she went to a lawyer and asked about D and taking the kids out of state) I am condidering giving it a shot and I told her that as long as I am comfortable that we are doing it together and it looks like a good plan.

We have had a few discusions and a few things alarmed me. A quick move is important because she doesn't want to continue with this here. If I cann't find a job quick enough I could be like a property manager for her ailing father. (handyman for his couple rental apartments). Health insurance doesn't seem like a great concern. She wants to go back to school for dental hygenist I think. We are both 40 and have two daughters 2 1/2 and 4 y/o.

I believe she is being honest about giving it a try down there. If it doesn't work out she has a better safty net of her family if I fail. But we will bring our problems we have to work out, work through.

Bottom line today I told her I don't want to disapoint her or hurt her by looking for a job and not finding one, and don't want to take just any one. I don't want to say I will look, not find one and make her feel I will not move quick enough for her and she will feel like I let her down and back to divorce. She told me she does have the papers didn't want to have just anyone serve me. Do I want to move or not. Do we divorce then try to reconcile? there has been no A's that I know of.

I don't know what to do

We have been doing pretty well. It has been friendly and even affectionate over the past week. A few months ago my 4y/o DD sang the Barney song but said "I love you, you love me, we're a sad family". Don't know if she was kidding or felt the tension between my wife and I. This week end we were hugging and my DD said "she wanted to get in too!" Then sang "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family" I know it hit my wife and I hate this mess it's bringing my kids. They don't deserve it. So the past week my wife is happy because I asked her what it would be like to move to Florida. But she wants a definite yes that we are going in 6 months.

This past Monday she left early for the dentist came home in a bit of a mood and implied that I wasn't sending my resume out fast enough, being to picky for a job and didn't seem to be giving her a definite we are going. As I told her I am willing but will not go if I feel there is not a good plan and it seems right. (this may sound wishy-washy as that is what she said).

She then walked away and gave me the divorce papers and explained she didn't want me to be served at work or by a stranger. She then asked me what I want to do with them. Because she will cancel If I don't back out. I felt like she was putting the divorce in my hands and making me do it. I don't know what to do with it. We have continued to be like all is OK. I think I need to ask her if I am "served" or just sign that they are received give them back and see what she does with it. I understand her needs but I also feel like this is and has been a selfish demand.

Any thought?

Not sure you are still here but I just wanted too know I read your story almost a month ago and I wanted too post back but I had some problems with the registration. I was just kind of wondering how things were going? I do have a question what have you been doing personally too help your wife make a more possitve decision. Have you been too a councelor at all? It sounds like you really love your wife, I can't say there is much love on your wife's side for you, BUT that doesn't mean you should give up. You have kids together and that alone is not a reason too stay with someone, but she obviously knows leaving you won't be easy either. Possibly one of the reasons the papers are taking so long for her to finalize. it seems she may be throwing the papers at you as a sign of if you want too save this marrage make some changes and make them fast.. She is screaming do something, anything too give me a reason too stay. Sounds like the same hurt I have felt for a long time with my husband. HE was emotionally abussive and becoming more physically abbusive every month we stayed married. My kids have suffered and so has my mental state of mind, too a point that I cheated just too give him a good reason too leave me. Too my surpirse God decided at the same time too stir his heart and gave him a new begining, Which was ironic that it was the same weekend I had been with the OM and had made my final decision that I was going to get the divorce paper for real and that was it. I went too him and he cryed for 3 days and promised me that it wasn't just a bunch of words this time he felt my coldness and I gave him a couple weeks and I realized that from his actions not his words that he was serious it hasn't been but 2 weeks since i told him of the affair but his determined that he wants nothing more than too be the man that I have wanted the whole time and its not just words but actions he is speaking. He is making effort he has never made before, its amazing and I can feel your wifes pain and I can see your desire too stay but she is now too a point that you need to take some real action in not words but by showing her your disire too stay together in the things you do, counceling and church may be a good start too show her you are serious and you want too be the man she desires, Well I hope that even if she has already left you and you are torn, remember even though she might be gone that doesn't mean you stop fighting for her if thats what you want. Even if she leaves adn wants nothing too do with you change for yourself and your kids, because if she leaves and divorces you the only thing being angry adn hurt will do is make you bitter and resentful. Take this as an opportunity too make what was wrong right even if she doesn't care anymore

thinking of you
JEss