zx:

Since your wife is adamant that she will not quit in job even though that substantially lowers your probability of recovery, I would suggest that you have two choices at this point. 1) Decide for yourself if you are willing to put the effort into this recovery even though she is not willing to commit to the one thing that increases the chances of success or 2) become proactive and take the bull by the horns and report this workplace affair to the HR department of her company. If OM is in any level of supervisory position, it is likely that he, not her will lose his job...problem solved. This is particularly true if there is a legitimate threat of sexual harrassment suit against the company. Also since you know now the true identity of OM, if you haven't already you need to expose this affair to the OMW. She deserves to know and her knowing will put additional pressure to ensure that this A does not continue.

NT

This made me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

zxero, you and your W are younger than both my kids which makes me feel kind of old and kind of odd but it really doesn't matter.

Nottoday is absolutely right. I did stop everything this time around (6 months ago) but the important thing I did was to leave my job 2 years ago because the OM was a client and could turn up at any time. When I started the A I was aware he was a client but that had nothing to do with the A. The A was with my old HS b/f I hadn't seen for 30 years and I had no idea he came into the office from time to time.

After the A started whenever he came into the office he always made some pretext about seeing "an old friend" (me). People at work weren't stupid and had put 2 and 2 together.

My point is that NC is essential. It is the only thing that gives your marriage any chance whatsoever. It just DOESN'T work to keep the fix going, and that is what it is. The WS can call it what they like, but as long as that fix is there the marriage can't progress.

Xzero, please note I’ve send you this post on the thread nottoday started for you.

Is it worth it to hit Plan A hard while we're still living together even though she is unwilling to agree to NC? What is the likelihood she will come around? She says she's done with OM...

In my personal opinion, as I stated in another post to you there is never any downside to a good Plan A for the BS. This gives you the best opportunity to show her that you are really serious about giving whatever you have to the relationship. More importantly, I believe that implementing and following through on a good plan A is the best thing that you can do to rebuild YOUR self esteem. Although the Plan A is directed at showing the spouse exactly what they risked losing, etc. it has very positive attributes for making us feel good about ourselves. Finding out your W is or was having an affair is a huge sucker punch and it is only normal that the BS will have feelings of inadequacy, after all she at least temporarily chose someone other than us to fulfill their EN. But after implementation of a good Plan A, the BS starts to realize that even though we certainly didn't do all that we could prior to the affair to make the relationship healthy, we have grown and become one ****** of a catch...either for your W or someone else.

Will she come around eventually....most likely, she is still deep in the fog and really not thinking through this completely. She is still thinking very selfishly and not having as her number one priority protecting you. IMHO, all waywards are innately selfish people, otherwise they would have never put themselves in the position to even have that spark even start. Can they change that attribute...I hope so because nothing good comes out of selfishness. But even if they can't change, they certainly can suppress those attributes once it really hits them of just what they risk losing by not making changes to their mantra just as you will have made changes through your Plan A.

Be sure and read and reread Suzet's post on the other thread. Lots of really good info on their. Have your FWW read and reread this and maybe even have her start a thread directed specifically to Suzet and other formers who can help her sort through all the muck that comes along with the fog.

NT

Post deleted by zxero

That really stinks, zx. Sorry you had to find those. If I were you, I would save them onto a computer disk and put that disk somewhere for safekeeping.

Don't make a big deal confronting her about the evidence... just quietly snoop while you continue to plan A.

How are you holding up?

Read 1 Corinthians Ch. 13 over and over and over.

Shimmy:

All things considered I'm doing pretty well. WW and I have been talking a lot this week...she'll say she's uncertain if she can ever love me again and wants to part ways, but then later will announce she needs more time to think. The stall tactics have become tiresome, and I'm growing weary of her constant flip-flopping. Just now (as I was typing this post) she announced she wants to at least see a counselor next week. I've been staunch about the NC rule, but she won't comply. I now know when she is lying to me, and every time she does it I become more distant. If she moves out, she plans to get a different apartment within our complex. Her fog is a heavy one, methinks.

I know her WS rhetoric is still in full effect. I think she has some things she needs to discover about herself before she will be able to commit to any marriage, let alone ours. If she does move out and we engage Plan B, under no circumstance will I take her back unless NC has been proven and RH is paramount within our relationship.

Today we talked about the LBs in our marriage that brought us to this point. I told her I felt disrespected when she never thanks me for what I do. WW does none of the housework. I do all the laundry, pick up after all her messes, clean the kitchen, etc., and not once do I hear “thank you”. I never said anything because I figured it was one of those sacrifices people make during a marriage.

WW then tells me, in so many words, that I am a door mat, which is a point of contention with her. She doesn’t like that I have never shown anger towards her or anyone for that matter (she also says I didn’t get mad enough on DDay). She’s uncomfortable that I choose to ignore people who use provocation to start a discussion, whether it’s about sports, politics, or anything for that matter. She tells me that by behaving the way I do, I intentionally avoid confrontation with others, and that bothers her.

I have always considered myself to be above those who try to provoke me, and therefore will not allow myself to sink to their level and engage their wicked motives. I can see how not showing anger can be perceived as not being passionate, but I certainly don’t think that’s a reason to end a marriage.

What’s funny is that WW is projecting her own flaws onto me, and I don’t know how to make her realize that. I have talked to BIL and SIL who both told me she has always been bottled up. WW herself has told me she doesn’t like confrontation, which is why she still isn’t talking to anyone (except SIL – WW told her about the A). WW says she doesn’t want to talk to her family because they will all tell her to try and save the marriage, that she’s making a huge mistake, marriage takes hard work, etc. I think she doesn’t want to hear it because she knows they’re right.

I just don’t get why anger and confrontation would be ENs that would have ultimately prevented the A. Is this possible, or am I just hearing more fog speak?

Sounds to me like she came from a disfunctional family, and thinks that is normal.

I hope you don't have any children with this woman. She sounds very selfish and ungrateful. Lot's of women would LOVE to have a man help around the house.

No children, thank goodness.

I've come to the decision to confront WW about the PA happening at work. I know the A continues today (even though she told me it was over). Any suggestions?

Have you exposed the affair to everyone who could have any influence?

Her SIL and best friend know about the A, but as far as anyone at work is concerned, I would have to say no. I have the ability to expose the A at her work, but I'm afraid it will make her so angry she will just walk out and not give this a try. I just need advice, since I'm a greenhorn at these things and whatnot...

Okay ZXero, since the affair continues, the best and first piece of advice I'll offer is do not disclose your posts or MB ID to your WW.

If the damage is done, change your ID pronto.

Affairs are akin to a war, your battle plan includes tactics and this is one of them.

Jo

Okay, so which plan should I follow? I'm planning on telling the best friend, SIL and possibly work that the A is happening during company hours, that the A is taking place on company premises, etc. How should I approach this? Who should I disclose this information to first? WW, SIL, best friend, or work? And how do I communicate what I know without revealing how I know it?

Here is my dilemma:

I've been doing my best with Plan A, but I'm not doing very well with hiding my emotions (I let them slip, but instances are few and far between). It's probably driving WW away from me. We are still sleeping in the same bed, which I'm guessing is a good sign. Full exposure hasn't occurred yet, and I'm worried that when I do expose the A to her friends, family and work, the results will be catastrophic and she will just give up. I hereby vow to mask my emotions about the A and treat her with unyielding respect and thoughtfulness from this moment on (as I had done so every moment prior to D-Day). Is it prudent to keep showing her the sunny side before full exposure occurs? I'm afraid once full exposure happens it will undo all that Plan A has accomplished.

Thanks in advance for listening.