It's official for me, there are no consequences for people who choose to live with no remorse for their actions. I have been looking for even an inkling of emotion, or regret or sadness from my wayward wife and I see nothing.

I am convinced people can do whatever they want in this life regardless of who they hurt and they only seem to flourish. With confidence and a matter-of-fact attitude she carries on without even flinching into the clutches of divorce. Resolve trumps forgiveness it seems.

I have worked and worked on keeping my heart soft and all I get in return is resentment and the snub from a woman who once professed love. Aside from my own feelings of rejection, I am beginning to see my efforts to reconcile as simple weakness, while her drive and resolve toward securing her place in this world, as a strength.

Why God have you asked me to love my enemies when they serve only themselves? Why must I live for forgiveness when I only receive spite and ruin?

Those who live for themselves reap so much for their ability to "move on" while I am mocked for not being able to "accept" what is before my very eyes: a marriage doomed to divorce. And I carry the wounds for both of us. A man with too many wounds to count and a woman with a brazen heart.

Something about me cannot stop caring. I feel cursed with a tender heart as a man, while my wife has seemingly turned away long ago, showing no emotion, drawing strength from another man who could provide what I -- through inference --cannot.

A man who steals another man's wife and claims her as his own through bold, sexual consummation has found his way into my wife's heart. She trusts him. She beds down with him and lets him into her most private being. I am appalled to have ever known her as my wife. I am saddened by what kind of failure of a husband I was to her. I am crushed by her willingness to embrace the rhetoric of an adulteress -- which she dismisses as her right asking all others to succumb to her desires first and foremost.

Well, I will not succumb. I will trust in my Lord to deliver me from evil which my wife has so readily and foolishly embraced. Adultery is nothing less than murder of the heart. An act of utter betrayel and thievery. And yet denial of sin can be a very empowering tool. No remorse means never having to face the reality of our weakness or disposition to pain.

Sometimes, I wish I had the heart not to have one.

((Cor))

I feel your anguish and pain in your posts.

I have been there my friend and it is so painful.

How long since DD?

It hurts to see the wicked flourish doesn't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

It's been going on for a long time and when it hits on our doorstep, we really feel the brunt of it.

But you know what? It is temporary. Those who live w/o remorse don't really live. They pretend and that can't last forever. Neither does it bring them true happiness.

Now use this info to your advantage. Know that life as a WS w/o remorse is a doomed lifestyle. Don't get caught up in it. Get to a safe place for you and your family.

R u ready to do that?

L.

thanks kds, orchid

kds, It's been 3-1/2 months since d-day and probably 5 or 6 months since the affair started. I can't imagine how going from a marriage straight into an adulterous relationship can be healthy but I've been wrong before! I know this is not a good choice for her, I know that, I am just baffled how a woman can show no emotion while I'm cut up deeper than a thanksgiving turkey. It's the male ego thing. I keep thinking I should be tougher than this.

orchid,
You are right, it is difficult to see wickedness seemingly prevail. That a self-indulgent decision seems to be paying off for my wayward wife shakes my faith in goodness. And if she is happy and can go one without remorse, why hold any alternate precepts at all? If she can will herself to happiness, what need to we have for God?

"Every man for himself" someone told me yesterday. So I think about it and, honestly, I can't abide that. Where is grace in that thinking? Where and what would humanity be like if we all made decisions like waywards? My epiphany in this is to not be a wayward type person in my own life. And that means not being self-serviant but instead serving others.


You're right, orchid. I just want to see it with my own eyes, instead of relying on faith.

Corinth -


Because God does the same for us. He continues to love us, and wait for us, even while we continue to willfully disobey Him (sin).

Christ said "Love others as I have loved you." He never said it would be easy.

Loving others doesn't mean you condone their actions. Hate their actions (sin), but love them (the sinner). Those who live for themselves may seem to get all the breaks and all the good stuff, but they're living a lie. And I bet deep down inside most, if not all, know that.

At some point, you may have to let go and turn your wife over to the world that seems to want so much. God will (and has) done the same....ask the Hebrews about Babylon sometime <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Again, it's not easy to do that - to let the one you love go. Sometimes, it's the only way for them to truly understand that all choices have consequences. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Paul wrote that we are but temporary residents here (or words to that effect) - our real home is in heaven with our Lord. That's the race you are running. Nothing in this world will matter when you die - except the status of your personal relationship with Christ.

Knowing this doesn't make the pain of rejection, betrayal and adultery any easier to bear. I know, as many others here do, what it is like to look in the eyes of the one you thought loved you more than anyone else, and see absolutely no remorse or guilt for the pain they have caused you.

Never forget that God is always with you. He will never leave you. Cling to that, and you will come through this a stronger person.

I do hope things get better for you, regardless of the outcome of your marriage.

I am sincerly sorry for your sitch. This is for sure the worst case scenario for any betrayed spouse when their wayward does not ever show any remorse. That sucks...but since we are talking about the Christian perspective here I might add a couple of comments.

First of all, she might be flourishing on earth but she will have her judgement day, and God help her unless that she changes her attitude. Secondly, as has been written on other posts, the commandment to love our enemies was never said to be easy, on the contrary, this test of our faith is one of the more difficult challenges. I continue to struggle with my rage at OM and sometimes even my FWW, I am reminded that the best advice that I got early on after D-Day was to pray that I could replace my anger and rage with compassion. This is tough to do but I think a necessary part of our personal recovery.

At this point, focus on your own recovery. Your wife made her choices and she will have to live with them. At this point, it seems like to best approach for you is to have compassion for her that she will get her due eventually but you deserve to move forward with your own life.

NT

It is written that every knee shall bow, and every tongue confess that Jesus is the Christ. IN that day, she will know what she did, and she will wish she could be anywhere but there, in the presence of one who would have helped her, but she would not accept the help.

The law of the harvest is eternal. "As a man soweth, so shall he also reap." Those who sow pain, will have it restored to them, and those who sow peace, forgivness, love, and help will have that restored to them.

It is for US that he asked us to love our enemies. It is so that we might become what all that he wants us to become.

I hear your anguish of soul - I wish we could help YOU.

Remember that he will not fail you, nor forsake you. Sometimes it seems like it though, sometimes it seems so dark.

Count your blessings, I bet there is still good in your life.

SS

I remember the intensity of the pain and emotion when I was in the same situation. You look into the eyes of your wife with love and care, only to see the thought of another man beneath the surface.

But one day, regardless of the path she takes, you realize that it wasn't really a man, but a fantasy. An impossible world that they envision and strive to reach, but it will never be found, I promise you this.

You treat her well and with respect because when you walk out of this he!! you will be able to hold your head up. You'll be proud of your behaviour and your WW/FWW will see you in a new light.

It seems like you do this for everyone but your wife at the time.

Yeah - what Sundog said.

SS

Thanks healingbird, sundog, ss, nottoday for responding to this. It sounds pretty gloomy. Honestly, I've been learning a lot over these past few months. I actually feel like this has been going on for ten years but it's only been three months or so.

The blessings from God I'm seeing already. Although I still wrestle with Him when I can. He usually just lets me know I haven't been forgotten and I try to thank Him for it. I know I never would've learned, or grown the way I have and will had this not happened. This is not the way I wanted it to be, however, we don't always choose our lots in life.

Healingbird hit it right on when you I asked why I still love, because God did the same for us. Romans 5:8. I wil continue to learn what love is and show it to my wife, even after our divorce, it is God's command.

nottoday, yes, I know all about rage and I know the best cure for that rage is to replace it with compassion. You're right. Anger will only callous me and hurt my future relationships. Like me taking out this pain on my next gf or wife. My wife will not learn this lesson and she will project so much pain into her future relationships. Man, though, I wish you guys and gals could actually hear her talk. I swear someone taught her not to ever show an emotion a day in her life. I feel like Tammy Faye Baker compared to her and I'm not even that outwardly emotional myself!

Still-seeking, every knee shall bow, yes... I know I'm not in control of my wife's salvation, I just keep praying she will meet up with the Lord again before that crucial time comes. And yes, there is still much good in my life, I set aside time just to be thankful for it, too. I believe our happiness is almost exactly proportionate to our thankfulness.

Sundog, the pain is intense and knowing another man has moved in is mind-boggling. I've actually prayed for the man because I don't know exactly what he's brought onto himself but I'm guessing it's not good. Reaping destruction is absolutely a sobering thought. I hope I can hold my head up, sometimes I feel like a straight up fool for having my wife walk on me. But I can't compete with that kind of decision making or that kind of fantasy. Sometimes I wonder if five years down the road my WW will look back and be like "I can't believe my BH did what he did trying to keep us together." Maybe not, maybe she'll never understand and just continually resent me for my past behavior, but by then I'll be walking into the sun with a smile.

God bless you...

There is peace in knowing you have done all you could do. Trust me. There is. Want to know their future? Read about my xh and his affair marriage...three days after our divorce was final. It has been horrid and rocky. Multiple affairs since their affair marriage...he has been miserable. sadly...I can't go back. It rips me up, but I can't. I will not be with somebody who does not embrace cause and effect and who can not feel remorse.

Please hold your head high....for you and for your family. Your kids will respect you.

And yes, sadly, a few years from now...one day will dawn and your xww will awake to a fog free morning. She will awake and realize the scum next to her has morning breath. He will not want to take out the trash. When she complains, he will say cruel things to her about wrecking his life...and she will secretly yearn for a simpler time...when there were NO custody arrangements..no property division...and when there was a thing called mutual respect..and a valid marriage. She will see she sacrificed her life for...nothing?

At drop offs/pick ups with the kids...she will look at you and wish for what could have been...she may even try to cheat with you (my xh has tried that too). She will forever be branded with A....

It's not forever love they have. It is selfish. It is the opposite of the "love" chapter in the Bible. Completely. It does NOT suffer long. It is NOT kind. It envies. It puffs up. Behaves itself unseemingly and seeks not its own...IS easily provoked and thinks evil...REJOICES IN INIQUITY AND DOES NOT REJOICE IN TRUTH...

an affair does NOT bear all things...an affair does not BELIEVE all things....an affair does NOT hope all things...AND AN AFFAIR DOES NOT ENDURE ALL THINGS.

AFFAIRS FAIL.

God bless you...

There is peace in knowing you have done all you could do. Trust me. There is. Want to know their future? Read about my xh and his affair marriage...three days after our divorce was final. It has been horrid and rocky. Multiple affairs since their affair marriage...he has been miserable. sadly...I can't go back. It rips me up, but I can't. I will not be with somebody who does not embrace cause and effect and who can not feel remorse.

Please hold your head high....for you and for your family. Your kids will respect you.

And yes, sadly, a few years from now...one day will dawn and your xww will awake to a fog free morning. She will awake and realize the scum next to her has morning breath. He will not want to take out the trash. When she complains, he will say cruel things to her about wrecking his life...and she will secretly yearn for a simpler time...when there were NO custody arrangements..no property division...and when there was a thing called mutual respect..and a valid marriage. She will see she sacrificed her life for...nothing?

At drop offs/pick ups with the kids...she will look at you and wish for what could have been...she may even try to cheat with you (my xh has tried that too). She will forever be branded with A....

It's not forever love they have. It is selfish. It is the opposite of the "love" chapter in the Bible. Completely. It does NOT suffer long. It is NOT kind. It envies. It puffs up. Behaves itself unseemingly and seeks not its own...IS easily provoked and thinks evil...REJOICES IN INIQUITY AND DOES NOT REJOICE IN TRUTH...

an affair does NOT bear all things...an affair does not BELIEVE all things....an affair does NOT hope all things...AND AN AFFAIR DOES NOT ENDURE ALL THINGS.

AFFAIRS FAIL.

wow peachy....amazing thoughts

(no evidence that it's true in my situation so far.....but really wonderful way to explain things)

Hi Corinth,

God will deal with your WW. It may not be now but WW will feel the consequences. What seems to be satisfying to your WW won't last.

Trust God. His message will eventually be reality. His truth will penetrate your pain and heartache. I found this excerpt helpful, "Trust God now to hold your heart in the protection of His loving care. Do not bury it in the hard ground or give it back to your spouse. Trust it to the one who binds up the brokenhearted. He know how to put together all the pieces so your heart will be safe and strong, yet soft, supple and warm."

God bless you.

My WH seems to have some remorse. Crying and what not, but not enough to stop doing what pleases him. So how remorsefull can he be? Guess it doesn't matter at this point. He says we are over so now he has to live with himself for the rest of his life while I try my best to move on. I feel a peace today that I am so thankfull for. Thank you God!!!

You are right, ready. Thanks for sending this... God's message will become reality. The race we must run is one of faith and endurance.

Thanks for this line: "Do not bury it [your heart] in the hard ground or give it back to your spouse." It's tempting to run and isolate myself because of this, but that would only make me a smaller person.

Sometimes I just want to get out of here. Quit my job and move to some tropical island somewhere away from everybody. Maybe sleep in a grass hut, lay around on the beach, drink a lot of alcohol, swim in the ocean, you know... be a bum for a while. Grow out a huge beard, where Hawaiian shirts and paint or something. I'm joking of course, but when something like this happens you tend to re-evaluate things... what life is really about... what you really want to do... who you want to be involved with. I need to put myself in the best possible position for the future, knowing some people can and will abandon when times are hard and uncertain, and for me to resolve to never be that kind of person or become betrothed to that kind of person. I must be guarded but loving. Jesus says "be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves." Matt 10:16. I love that line.

But all this also means I am a changed man from this... less driven to excellence and more driven by love and in knowing I cannot control my environment but instead can thrive within whatever situation I find myself. This is where I want to be and God willing I will someday.

As for the tropical island... why not? Maybe I'll just stop paying my bills too, you know, I never liked paying those anyway... (from the movie Office Space if no one caught that) haha. It's a good one! I also like "Sixteen Candles." John Hughes made a lot of great movies. "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" is great. I should rent "Planes, Trains and Automobiles." That is a sweet one.