Hi all,
I’ve had a really bad week and although I have tried to work through it on my own, I do need a little advice.
I am posting here because of the history of our M.
On Friday night my H got extremely drunk (he has a few problems as far as alcohol goes) and made the (stupid) decision to drive his car into town to hit the pubs.
Long story short – he almost hit a little girl, because he was speeding and I know for a fact he could hardly walk, that’s how drunk he was.
We are both in the Navy and since he had started this whole saga on base our senior officers became involved.
However, it was there dicision to sweep it under the carpet and sent him home, I told them he wouldn’t go home and he was then given an order to go straight home and informed that he would be charged if he didn’t.
You guessed it, he didn’t go home and it has all caught up with him, because work is trying to come down on him like a tonne of bricks. The problem with that is that they didn’t do any of the paperwork on Friday that they should have and they didn’t breath test him. So they have no proof.
He knows that I have super huge problems with drink driving (I know most people do, but my Dad was a drunk and used to do this and caused a lot of heart ache in our home when I was growing up) and he knows that if he didn’t accept responsibility for his actions to me I would speak to the executive officer, so he has, but he says it so aggressively that I know he is only saying the words, he just doesn’t want me to back the case against him.
He’s furious at me for the whole situation, says that if I hadn’t called him back to base (I was on duty and could not leave) to take his keys of him, then none of this would have happened.
He has given me at least four different accounts of what actually happened and it has gotten to the point where I don’t think he can actually remember what did happen. He swears that he never nearly hit anyone, but my argument is that even if he never ( and evidence makes it look like he definitely did) then what is to say that next time he gets behind the wheel when he is drunk that he doesn’t do it then and isn’t as lucky as he was this time by missing her. ******, what if it is one of our little girls, I know he’d never forgive himself and I would never be able to get over the fact that he had gotten to the point that he is now and I had let it slip through the cracks.
I know he is an adult and has to deal with things in his own way, but he doesn’t think that there is a problem.
I have spoken to him about AA or some kind of counselling but he is definitely not interested.
In light of all the problems that we have had in the last couple of years, I just don’t know what to do, I thought we were doing so well and now this happens.

What do I do? I don't know whether to be angry, upset or scared.

U s/b all those things: Angry, upset and scared.

Now go get some AAA help or whatever is available. U and your children need t/b safe. He also needs to be put away so he is not a menance to society.

What is being done about those drunken charges...nothing?

I am bumping this in hopes MEL or someone w/more experience in this field can help.

take care,
L.

startingagain,

Why don't you change the name of this thread....and call out to Melodylane....she has alot of experience with this issue.

In the meantime....the experts at helping folks in your situation are Al-anon. Please go!! They will help you understand how to help your family and your husband without enabling his alcoholism. The support you will recieve and the experience of those who are fighting the same fight....will be really valuable. If he won't get help for himself.....don't let that stop you from getting help for YOU.

He might not remember alot of that night because he was blacked out. He is doing what most alcoholics do when they are caught redhanded, they try to blame others and deny they have a problem. Your H is in serious denial about his problem and doesn't really believe yet that he is this bad. But, he is. You did the right thing in making sure he understood that you would not cover up for him.

Just consider what kind of crazy mentality almost kills a little girl and jeopardizes his freedom and his career and then claims he "doesn't have a problem?" That is REAL insanity, my friend! And yes, you can tell him I said that!

The best medicine for your husband is to face each and every consequence of his drinking. I would point out to him that he could very well be in prison right now had he hit that little girl. Not only did he come very close to killing a little girl, but he was a hair away from ending his life as he knows it. I wouldn't let that important truth escape him.

In the meantime, the best thing you can do for him is to make sure he faces the consequences of his drinking every time and understands that you won't cover up for him. If you think this is mean, just remind yourself that next time he might be successful in killing a little girl. Protecting him is to hand a gun to a suicidal person, in other words.

Secondly, I would start going to Alanon so they can teach you how to live in such a situation. Banyak and Bramblerose are also in Alanon and could be a great help in this regard.