my wife of two years left me 16 days ago. we are both 29. she is staying with a friend. thanks to a great friend of mine, he recommended a great counsler and we have been to see her once (next appt is tomorrow, thurs).

every issue that she has brought up about me, i completely agree with and know that i have to change. she thinks that i tried to fix the issues before and it didn't work. the problem is that there are more issues now then before. the problem was, i didn't recognize them as issues and also that she never really presented them to me.

some issues - 1. name calling back and forth, nothing of meaning but just stupid name calling. 2. me concentrating on work, fixing houses, etc. and not spending enough time on her and our marriage. 3. control: she is good at being in control and so am i but when we were together making decissions, they were usually made by me, she lost control. 4. she being very hypersensative and me thinking she was very stern and strong.

okay, enough of the long stuff, after reading some other posts, it looks like my best bet is to give it some time and role with the punches. keep going to counseling and keep faith that this is only the first of many bumps in the marriage road. i want so bad for this to make us the strongest and most loving family in the world. i am just hoping that she feels the same. i dont think she does right now because of all the "withdrawls" ive been taking from the love bank. plus, she wants to do couseling to better each other, not us. that scares me. as though we will fix ourselves and then move on to other people.

any advice on what i can do to make her realize that i am giong to change and that i married her and only her for life?

thank you,
brent from pittsburgh

Welcome, Brent, to MarriageBuilders...another brilliant choice, along with MC (marital counseling) you chose...IMO.

Have you read Love Busters by Dr. Harley? The articles here on Basic Concepts, Emotional Needs (ENs) and the Rules of Marriage?

Name calling is awful...it's abusive. It defines who another person is and as humans, we have no right to define others...only ourselves. I'm not bashing you...I did that until I came here and learned why I gave myself permission to do it and then revoked that permission. I did it for me and it benefited our marriage.

One of the rules of marriage is Time...making time for UA...undivided attention...is essential to all marriages. The very act of making it shows your priorities...and allows you to get admiration, appreciation and acceptance from your partner, instead of fixing things, work and other stuff...because where your thoughts are, there is your treasure. Treasuring your marriage above all else is key to having a thriving one.

Control...no one can control any other human being on the planet. We can believe we can, or believe others can...that makes our experience appear to be controlled or controlling. Reality is, we aren't or can't. Respect is the antidote for believing in a fantasy (control)...we can only control ourselves...our thoughts, beliefs, perspectives and perceptions. Period. Lovely design, I believe. It limits our responsibility and gives us freedom. Unless we choose to not live in that truth. Our choice is inviolate...we always choose how we live and what we believe...what would do you choose?

I believe once the control reality is set, then Harley's policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) can change a marriage from sustainable to celebratory. Worth the effort in my experience.

Respecting she feels what she feels and acknowledging those feelings puts the responsibility for her feelings where it belongs...in her. You can't cause, control or cure her of what is hers...nor ask her to do that for you. Inject that respect...she IS strong, and weak, a loving, whole and complete human being. So are you.

You cannot make her realize anything...respect she chooses her beliefs the same as you do. Look to your own stuff...what is yours...and share who you are with her. What you learn. Be radically honest and remove blame from your marital patterns. It doesn't exist. Stop living it.

You are changing yourself for you...you are realizing a lot of stuff you didn't know before...if you make your goal to be fully who you really are, with healthy permissions and loving intent, then you'll achieve that. If you're doing it for her, to get her to do or be something, you'll fail.

You have no control over her...and to believe you do is disrespectful. In counseling, are you learning listen and repeat? How to make open and honest statements? Separate what is to acknowledged and what is an issue (they are different)?

Rolling with the punches is conflict avoidance...knowing what is a punch and what just feels like one is more important, I think, and more honest.

Know that the more you DJ (disrespectfully judge) by assuming what she is thinking, feeling, believing, the more you sabotage your marriage.

Honor what she believes...counseling to fix yourselves first, before the marriage...can be a healthy belief. If you both married believing you completed each other, instead of being two complete humans in a union, then that belief is worth confronting and changing. Same thing for choosing what you experience...if you choose to believe that completing is better than complementing, then your union will remain shaky. Choosing to concentrate and believe you are two wholes complementing each other, loving by choice, then you'll have that joyous, strong family you crave, for life.

Know what you feel...what scares you, where your fear is coming from inside you (our emotions come from our own beliefs)...and share those with her. With yourself.

Stay true to your goal to love her for life, honor your marriage...because it's yours and it's valid.

You can do this. You are not alone. Read the articles here, buy the books...His Needs, Her Needs...Love Busters...Fall in Love, Stay in Love...they are terrific. Do this for you, for your goal; let go the response. Respect her response as hers...she's in counseling with you, which is terrific. Work toward her moving back in even while you work on the marriage.

Snoop and make sure there are no male friends or coworkers she's confiding in...do not take all the blame or all the credit...you're half...takes two to get where you are and to get to where you want to go...that's marriage.

You're not alone.

You might want to move your post to Emotional Needs section, which gets a little more traffic than this forum...or even Infidelity General Questions II, which has the highest traffic. You're worth it. Your marriage is worth it.

LA