I am starting a new post for xzero and others who need help convincing their waywards that no contact, means absolutely NO CONTACT. Certainly, I am not an expert in this area but I continue to see where that waywards try to negoiate just a little contact and that always impedes the chance of recovery.
We have a wealth of information on this board. Please help this newbie in trying to hold her ground and creating reasonable boundaries while that he is implementing his plan A.

You can read his story titled something like Help Me...Wife Cheated and I am Alone but here is the crust of it. His wife had an affair with someone at her office. She is agreeing half heartedly at this point in stopping the affair and trying to rebuild there relationship but does not want to change jobs. I believe this is a boundary that is not negotiable for zxero unless the OM quits his job. zxero is concerned that if he pushes the boundary issues too hard before he can really implement a good Plan A that he will push her away.

Allright, fellow MB'ers. Give him your best advice. I think since he is going to have his WW read this, advice from those who are FWW's who battled with the pull towards the OM early on while the fog was still heavy will be of particular value.

NT

Exposure of the A at the office usually puts to rest any dreams that the WS can continue working with the OP. Even mentioning the possibility of exposure could be enough to cause change.

My FWW was at first indifferent to people in the office finding out about her A, but as her "fog" cleared, she realised that it was untenable to continue working with the OM under those circumstances. She eventually decided to leave on her own accord - 6 months after D-day. She says she left to "work on our M", but subsequent conversations suggested to me that she was really concerned about losing the respect of her colleagues at the office if her A became known to them.

Whatever the main reason for her leaving, I think our recovery only really started when she left. We essentially wasted the 6 months between D-Day and her departure from her job.

I'd prefer if the OM was out of our life completely, but unfortunately we can't achieve that yet because our community is so small.

Excellent point MIM. Forgot about the potential sexual harrassment issues regarding workplace affairs. I think the important issue is that the A does need to be exposed in the workplace.

NT

Xzero,

I’m a FWW who had an EA on e-mail and I’m still working at the same company than OM due to personal circumstances out of my control. My EA ended in 2002 but just more than 2 months ago, I had a huge relapse (major e-mail exchanges with OM) because of this situation. You can read more about it on this thread (just click on the link). Also check my signature and profile for more information.

Me and my H had a huge setback in our recovery because of this and I had to send my 3 rd contact letter to OM in 3 years. Throughout the years, OM has contacted me from time to time in spite of my previous 2 NC-letters. I don't work with OM or see him very often (separate buildings and departments). However, I’ve experienced that true recovery isn’t really possible in such a situation and/or very long and difficult to achieve...even if contact is not deliberate or don’t happen regularly (like accidentally bumping into and/or seeing the person now and then).

In a nutshell (as was said by bigkahuna on another thread yesterday):

“Suzet is proof positive that contact screws up recovery. Look no further than her for reasons why it doesn't work.”

Also read the following post by MelodyLane:

[color:"blue"] Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Mimi wrote: Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...[/color]