i am in the battle of my life i discover my H affair on july 2005 with a friend and neighbor.I helper a year after i knew her with a separation, i help her with her kid ... and i know why she was so nice with me the A last 5 years under my nose I am 40 my H 47 sice that day my life is e real mess. I felt so helpless, suicide idea, not able to eat or to work and depress. And my husband of 17 years and 20 years together told me he is in love with her.He left me once last august to think about the situation and call me back and beg me to return and get somme help that what I did to realize a few monts later that he was still with her. He tryed to separate fron her but he is so addicted to her and she is doing everything she can so he leave me. A lot of time she attempt suicide ( that what he toll me) trow stuff at my doors that we did give to her when she was a friend, call me to tell me nasty thing and a can go on.Now he is still with me but he said he is stil doesnt know what to do. He saw a therapist to help him and she made him read a book call to bad to stay to nice to leave to help him decide. I start to read about plan A-plan B i don't know if it consider that i already start plan A or I shouls started. I rally need advice, i dont have friend around i had one but she stole my hudband a hate her so much for the pain she causing to me and my kids. Yes i have to kids that adore their father 8 and 10 years old. please help me
i need hope

Welcome

I will post a longer response in about 2-3 hours...

Pep

Hi, I just wanted to add to Pep's welcome.

You have come to a good place, we will help you.

I see lots of hope in your sitch...try not to dispair.

I am leaving just now too, but wanted to let you know you are not alone, and there is lots of help available here for you.

Does she have a husband? And if so, does he know of the affair?

Husbands family?
Your family?

Do you work outside of your home?

thank you to welcome me it is good to know that i am not alone but it sure feel like it. to answer your question she is separate about to 3 years ago i think she was not happy with her husband and went she met my husband that give him a reason to leave him. My family know about it and almost all his familly two of his sister try to talk to him and it seems to work for a while but every time she is back in the picture he forget everything, excuse her for everything like we dont exist she have so much influence on him and i thing he is afraid of her sometime because she can react with such aggressivity she also have a drinking problem ( husband told me ) and i think he want to save her. I am a teacher so i was of for the summer. Nice summer and it 2 in a row that i have like that. I an going to work in a week, i am afraid because i dont know if i could i miss 2 months last year. The worst thing in that he always give me hope, alway close to me why is he doing that if he love the other one. i am so afraid of everything. Sory with my english my first language it french. i hope you anderstand me, i will be back later. thank for your support

Would it be possible to move? Many people sacrifice their current home in order to get away from the other person. It seems like that might be the very best way to start for you.

I'm sorry you are hurting.

Fellbad - I have been in the same situation in that my wife had an affair with our next door neighbour. Only solution is to move I'm afraid - NC is essential to recover from this.

You need hope, yes

You also need to gain control over yourself ... please see a physician to get some medication to help you cope & to focus your thoughts

Once you have more self-control and are not bobbing around like a cork on the ocean ... you can develop a plan

YOUR plan ... not your husband's plan

BECAUSE this A has been lasting 5 years ... you need to become serious yourself, and very very committed to making your personal boundaries bullet-proof

OK?

Step one ... get your emotions under control ... seek medical help for this ... no one could tolerate this much stress ... needing help is not a personal weakness... OK?

If you have been a really REALLY awful wife, I'd encourage you to Plan A ... but

because of the length of this affair

and the fact is that you have NOT been a terrible wife (drugs, alcohol, running around with men, affairs of your own, neglectful of the kids, etc)... right?

It is time to get Plan B ready

do NOT discuss Marriage Builders or your plans with your husband ... this must come as a surprise to him if it is going to have the full impact

It must come into your husband's mind & heart that he will hurt MORE if he continues his affair ... and it is up to YOU to supply the consequences that HURT via Plan B

But you are many weeks away from this ... so get mentally & physically healthy first ... OK?

In as far as how to treat your husband right now, be polite. But do not lie if he asks you how you are doing tell him

be honest

"Your affairs are like slow torture for me & the kids."

the thing is

you must stop waiting for him to decide what happends to the family !!!

you need to take action

no more talks with him
no more guilt trips with him

speak of your feelings honestly if he asks, otherwise, plan B & arrange this series of consequences in silence

Understand?

Pep

Also

one thing that must be UNnegociable

OW

can

NEVER be around your kids

NEVER

she has a history of violence ...

make certain your husband knows that this is a boundary that can not be crossed

Pep

I agree with Pep.

You're WH is still very conflicted, this is good.

OW is an alcoholic, violent person...once he is faced with the prospect of losing you to be with her, the fantasy aspect of the affair will end. He will be thrown headlong into her nutty world. Not very appealing when the fantasy becomes reality.

You have two kids which cannot be around her for any reason and that will put a big damper in his fantasy, even though they are not to be used as tools this will bring much nasty fighting into their R.

The children must be kept in a stable environment.

I agree wholeheartedly with what PEP says about you needing to be very, very serious about being unwilling to continue to live in this triangle.

Lots of hope in your sitch Fellbad, but being wishwashy or using empty threats and guilt trips is not going to cut it.

So the next several weeks use to gather strength, get your ducks in a row and make a plan.

And not a word about any of this to hubby.

PS, I come from a long line of French Canadians! work with quite a few as well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

i want it to reply and wrote about 20 lines to told me he canot proceed i dont know what i dit wrong ?? and i lost everything

it work now, ow try so hard to by my kid bying gift for them play with them .. to have them on her side i tought she was such a nice person she would of win a oscar.She is been violant went thing doesnt go her way and she abuse alcool and for sure i dont want my kid around her. my oldest know a litle bit wath going on and he told is that before that he doesnt like her and doesnt want see her but my younges doest realise it and he just know that ow make me cry.

The OW cannot be the focus anymore, nor can your WH...you need to focus on you and your plan.

I strongly recommend Frank Pitman's "Love Must Be Tough", I think a lot of it fits your situation very well.


Did you read Pep's post? How are you going to start to get back into mental/emotional/physical shape?

What kinds of things are you not going to do.

It is very important to switch the focus to you right now.

Edited to add:

And what are you and your husbands interactions like right now? Good? Bad? Tearful? Blaming/yelling?

FYI: if it wont let you post something, you can highlight everything you wrote with your mouse, "copy" it, and then start a "new" post.

also, if you use the "Reply" button to someone's post, instead of typing in the bottom area right away, it seems to not time out.

"Quick Reply"s, need to actually be quick <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Or is it "Private Lie's" ? Shoot, I can't remember after two years...

can someone help me out on this?

i will make a appointment with the doctor i was on medication for 2 months and i didnt see any change so i quit. I will try to see if i can have other medication. What i am afraid it i dont really have a close friend here and my family is at 6 hrs drive and i will rally need some support i dont think whright now i can do it in my own. Your so true about thinking about myself i think i never did that since i have the kid and i am so afraid for my kids to put them throught that and i fell guilty all the time. i will try to go to the gym or tacking a class to help me focusing on others thing, because now all i think is my marriage

Dobson wrote Love Must Be Tough

to aswer your question about my relation with my husband. We still are very affectionnate we talk ,something that we didnt do before.Im crying a lot i had done a lot of begging to give our family a chance. no yelling Yesterday talk for 2 hours i want to know what the therapist told him. He said she suggest for him to clarify his tought to be seperate from both of us?? whath do you think? and right now he told me he doesnt have any contact with her because 2 weeks ago coming back from vacation she left me at my door a bag with his underware a old flight ticket that confirm me she went to see him when he was on a bussines trip and some e-mail with love word they exchange (nice gift)She is tryng so much for me to ask h to go so she can be right there to confort him. Sice that day he was mad at her, she is vandective and a few days after told me it was over. After that she send him on his voice mail that she will attempt suicie. Since that day i ask him if he ad any communication with her and he said no. I have been looking his cell and 2 days ago her phone number was on the missing call and there was a lot of blosk id so no way to know if it was her.

Thanks Pep.

It's a good book fellbad and reading not only gives you ideas, it is very good way to start to get back to your old self by distraction.

What you have listed will be a very good start. I too have no family support around, and it can be scary when you have children. I have an 11 yo girl.

I found so much support here and they also gave me a great deal of courage...you will find the same.

You are familiar with LB's right? Stop all of the "Love Busters" immediately...begging, crying, pleading, yelling, name calling, blame.

Focus on getting back to the best you you can be, come here for support and feedback.

I was able to train my mind not to think about someone by using a "pattern interupt" technique. Whenever he popped into my mind I visualized a sign flashing the word "IRRELEVANT" and refused to think about him.

This was key in my recovery and what you will need to do to change the obsession you must be in after five years of this.

For now, he and OW are irrelevant because this part of your plan is all about you...and getting yourself in shape for the next phaze of your plan.

okay?

I want to say attempt suicide she always done that when he try to leave her. I ask him yesterday if he doesnt know if he shoud stay with me why would he close the door to her. He said because it about him now and he have to find out what he want in life an what make him happy. If you recommend a book that will help me i will try to get it. I did receive 2 days ago the book surviving a affair.
thank you for your response. I know there still good people around.

From this day forward, assume that they are having contact. It makes no difference to your plan right now. It is IRRELEVANT to your plan at this time.

No more asking him about OW, about what he is going to do...

for the next several weeks no relationship talk at all.

If he brings it up then answer his questions in as loving and honest a way you can, but no more.